I'm in a down phase right now about my WS. I'm feeling I deserve much better and sometimes I feel like telling HER it's over and that I can't be part of a marriage where she does not love me anymore. <p>We've gone to about 4-5 MC sessions since d-day and they have been helpful, but it's been very hard for me to bite my tongue when she blames me for her misery over the past several years. She has contributed at least equally to the sad state of our marriage, but laying this all out for her would be counter to the Plan A and a big LB. I know we will need to address my issues at some point but my patience is beginning to wear a little thin.<p>I was not the one who went outside our M to have my ENs met. By not being able to tell her how badly SHE f**ked up our marriage, I feel great resentment building. I'm feeling less love toward her now. It was her responsibility to make sure I knew what her ENs were. I know she would say she did, but I rarely ever heard them. The usual mode of communication in this area would be during an argument in the height of her anger, and then I was not very receptive to her demands. She rarely took the responsibility to tell me what her needs were in a more loving way. Her unmet and unknown expectations festered, and now here we are.<p>I know things can be so much better and I have an overwhelming urge to protect my family and keep it intact, but it can't be so one-sided. I do love my W, but her actions have caused me to lose respect for her and our M.<p>The drugs are making me much less anxious, I haven't been asking her a lot of questions lately, but I have been asking myself how I feel and what I think, and some of the answers are not so great. <p>I visited my W at her work a few days ago for lunch (she works with OM). I'm not sure (haven't asker her either) but I think I caught a glimpse of the OM. I now know a lot more about OM than I did before (that he's married, has 2 little kids, what his job is, etc.). At the risk of sounding overly snobbish, it gauls me that she would risk our life together for this person. This has brought home to me just how little respect and care she had for me and our M. I've worked my butt off to make us financially stable--with her blessing--and now I feel I've done it for this ungrateful cheat.<p>I will and do admit my shortcomings in our M, I will work on myself and become a better person. I just am not sure if SHE deserves this from me.<p>It's good to vent.

You are not alone. I couldn't have written a better post on how I feel right now either. I have been asking myself lately if it is really worth it anymore, how much more of this can I take? W has not given me much hope, her actions show me that she just doesn't give a damn about me, the kids or the M anymore, that it is so much more important for her to 'find myself'. She spends all her free time with BF now, not OM, but that isn't much better (be thankful OM isn't your neighbor like it is in my situation!).<p>Just when I am feeling at my lowest and about ready to give up, there is some little hint from W or some other situation that makes me realize that it ain't over till its over. Case in point, I have a project deadline coming up and W has planned the entire weekend to go shopping with BF, we got into a bit of an argument over it, no major LB's on my part, and W hung up on me. About an hour later W calls me and told me that she has rearranged her schedule to 'accommodate me'. I'm thinking 'accommodate me?', but hey, I'm not going to question her method, she seemed sincere about it.<p>I too have worked by butt off with W's blessings to get us to where we are. W and I have both sacrificed a lot to accomplish our goals, but it has come at a price. Remember the saying- "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." It fits my current situation very well. There are a lot of good books out there (wish I could remember the titles, SAA is a great one) that spell out the dynamics of an A and what people go through when they get involved with people outside of the marriage. If you haven't read some of them, give it a try, it helped me understand why W did what she did.<p>Ever think that they are acting like a 2-year old, or a teenager? (they are both the same) Once the A is revealed, they push our boundaries to see how much they can get away with and then get mad at us when we say no more.<p>Hang in there and remember that this time is for your own personal growth, WS will have to do it on her own, with or without you.

>>> It's good to vent. <<<<p>Oh yeah, you tell it!!<p>Yes, we're in similar situations. After 4-5 IC sessions, I believe all my WW was able to accomplish was to rattle off all her complaints and misgivings about me. Meanwhile, in my IC sessions with the same C, I've been calm, collected, rational, explaining what I hope to have in the future, etc. - a clear constrast that even the C describes my WW as "making crazy" (i.e. driving HERSELF over the edge).<p>The way I look at it right now - I disregard EVERYTHING WW has to say about me, about us, about our M. It's all a foreign language that I have no desire to learn. So I just go about life as best I can. I do try and communicate with her more and more now, little notes that explain my feelings, etc. She's receptive to them, although not a lot else in terms of EN being met. Then again, the EA (PA??) is still on-going, much like with you.<p>She was out late last night. It infuriated me. I was primed for big LB - but caught myself and kept it pretty calm. I'm being an enabler, but that's okay, because my time will come. I keep reminding myself that, and it feels a bit better.<p>I'm also trying to evaluate my feelings very carefully. Are my feelings of resentment fleeting, or are they a permanent pattern? I think a better judge is that I find more and more moments of the day that I don't think about her, about us, and I find myself laughing more, cracking jokes with friends at work, etc. This is, to me, a stronger sign that I'm moving to a new place. But I still have a ways to go yet. Give it some more deep thought, and you'll know when you know, I'm sure!

How do you deal with the lonliness? Since DDay H treats me like I was the WS. It's like pulling teeth to get him to talk to me. He looks at me with disgust. His latest is him accusing me of having a PA to get back at him. When I say thats not true because I lave him, he says I'm lying and I'm full of sh*t. Latley, I'm wondering if I do deserve better. Everday I fight with myself not to kick him out. I know he still has contact with OW. He is just being more careful now not to get caught.

Hey, thanks for commiserating with me.<p>LHS:<p>I have often felt, even before A, that my W acted like a teenager and this is even more pronounced now. And the funny thing is, she thinks she is the responsible person in our reltionship (sometimes she is).<p>JR:<p>I'm not anywhere close to throwing in the towel yet, but I'm getting more angry with the situation. Venting here helps greatly.<p>This morning my W opened up about some of her feelings. I was glad she willing to talk to me about her feelings, but what she said again brought home how little she appreciates my sacrifices. She was angry that we got a phone call from a bill collector, on something we didn't even know we owed, and this brought out her resentments from a few years ago when we were very financially strapped. We still have some big debts, but I have paid off all our credit cards ($20K), saved enough money for a large downpayment on our house, and bought two new cars. I pay for our kids' daycare ($1400/month) and nearly all the other bills. <p>Much of our prior financial woes stemmed from her decision (with my encouragement) to finish her BA and get her masters degree. I supported her during all of this and it really put a strain on our finances. I told her I would pay off her student loans too.<p>She likes to complain about not having enough money or a big savings, but when I bring up how well my business is going and that things are really looking great, she accuses me of being too materialistic. Sometimes I think she is still grasping for things to criticize to somehow justify her feelings (or lack thereof) about me.<p>Arpow:<p>I think what JR says makes sense; right now it's better to diregard what the WS tells you, especially in your situation. They are looking for or creating faults to help them justify what they are doing to their S and family. I think it's important not to dispute their stated feelings (otherwise that gives them more reason to complain) but just let it go and try not to take it all too personally.

I think it's GOOD that you're venting! Always BEST to get the resentment/anger OUT. If you don't vent, all this ugliness just gets trapped inside until it eventually erupts...BIGTIME.<p>I'm not sure how far along you are in recovery, but it took me months to get over the resentment and even longer to gain back RESPECT for my WS.<p>Try not to let the bitterness get the best of you. It's hard...I know. But, I also KNOW it CAN be done.<p>Peace, ~Marie (26 months post d-day! Alive and well...and still happily married to the same man [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] )

I couldn't believe it guys......I could have wrote this letter as well. Every emotion that you described has been right there lerking just below the surface.<p>Will the WS ever get a clue. And what makes them immediately want to turn everything back on us. I know it is not the right thing to do.......but I desperately want her to feel the pain I have been through the last 6 months.