Well, this is the weekend my FWH is on a business trip, the OW is there as well. <p>When I asked him if he needed a ride to the airport he said that he would catch a ride with the OW!!! That, needless to say, did not go over to well. <p>Last night after our son went to bed I just started to spew out garbage. I was so angy, told him he was a B*****d and to get out of my house, not to come back here after his trip. He had plenty of his own choice things to say as well.<p>So I cooled down a bit and went to him and told him that I was sorry for the ugly, hurtfull things I had said. That I did not mean them and I had been speaking out of anger. He calmed down too and we commenced to have one of those three hour conversations we are all too familiar with.<p>He did most of the talking, he told me he was moving out in Jan., and needed to move on. He told me he loved me and would always love me but the two years of my depression had been to much and he just could not try anymore.<p>I then said that since this was probably the last time we would have one of these talks if I could ask him some specific questions about the A and have him answer me honestly. So I asked him the things that have been bothering me the most. It was VERY hard for him to answer me, but he did. I told him that I just needed to know the answers so that I did not spend the rest of my life wondering. <p>We also talked about her, how he misses her. (he see's her every day) About the fact that he is confused about his feelings for her and his feelings for me. He told me that he does not think that the grass is greener with her and that he is not leaving me for her. He is afraid that he is making the biggest mistake of his life by leaving. He talked about his guilt and shame. He told me that he wants only the best for me. That he wants me to become the best person I can be and that he feels like him being here is preventing that. That he wants to be a wonderfull father. Oh, just so many things. I was mostly quiet. I tried to just validate his feelings and not be judgmental. <p>He goes back and forth between blaming me for my actions of two years ago and blaiming himself for letting someone else into our M.<p>So, by about midnight, we were both exhausted and were ready for bed. I asked him if he would please come to our bed tonight and just sleep next to me. It took him a minute, but he said, yes, that he needed comfort and wanted to comfort me. We went to bed and he pulled me close to him. He held me for a few minutes and asked me, not as a proposition, but as a question if I wanted to have sex. I said that I did but I knew it was not the right time. He asked me why, he does not understand why I would want to make love with him after all we have been through. I told him that there were a variety of reasons. I told him that I missed making love to him, that there was a time when making love with him was the most magical thing in the world. That it had been a long time and I had found that I just wanted to more than ever, that I heard that that happens to some women in their 30's. He told me that it had been just as long for him. (Since Oct 7 to be precise) We were quiet for a few moments and then he said very quietly that he was "sorry for breaking Camelot". He rolled over on his side, I cuddled up to him and he whispered, I'm so sorry. I just said thank you.<p>So today, he asked me to take him to the airport, I did. When we got there I asked if I could kiss him goodbye, he shook his head no, I told him I loved him, he hung his head. A few moments later he said he would call me and then said goodbye.<p>So here I sit, knowing he is with her, even though they would have a very hard time being alone. He is sharing a room with another guy, who I know very well. Knowing that he is planning on leaving and that there is nothing I can do. <p>I just can't believe or accept that my M is about to end. I am so lonely. So scared. It is going to be a long weekend. <p>I don't know if I should ask him to continue to sleep in our bed until he leaves or not. I really want to, but feel he will say no.<p>Sorry this was so long. I just needed to get it all off my chest.<p>Thank you all for all of the support you have given me. I know I don't post to many responses to people, but I feel at such a loss in my own life that I really often don't know what to say to help others.<p>Needing

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I can really empathize. <p>Try to let go a little bit this weekend. Try to find something to enjoy. This misery is crippling. I know it is hard to focus on something else....but this is such a great season and I hate to see all of us in such misery. <p>I will be thinking of you this weekend. Take care of yourself.

MnM,<p>You are right, as soon as I am done typing this I am going to decorate the tree w/my 4yo. He is very exited about Christmas this year and loving everything about it. The joy in his face makes me want to cry. I feel like this is the last Christmas we will have as a family and it is very hard for me to enjoy the season. I have always been such a Chrsitmas person. This year it is a chore. But I have to put on a happy face for my boy!!! the two of us will try to get out and do something fun this weekend.

Good,<p>If I can make it through tonight and get my sanity back together....I am going to do something fun with the kids too. They also are very excited for Christmas.<p>We got our tree up and the ornaments on last night. THe kids had so much fun. They love to unwrap everything....even my oldest two..<p>I do pretty good most of the time...and have felt much stronger lately...really thought I was starting to do better....then I get hit by this crap today....and back down in the dumps I go. Oh well, tomorrow is another day. <p>Have a great weekend!!!

Needing hi I'm so sorry for the pain and emptiness you feel right now. I'm not familiar with your story but I just felt the need to reply and let you know that you are not alone. Please do not give up on your M yet. It sounds as though your H is very confused. I'm glad that you had the opportunity to talk to him openly and honestly and he answered most of your questions. I know this is very difficult for you especially knowing that he will be leaving soon. Take this time to enjoy the season and concentrate on you. Who knows what will happen in the future. Are you in counseling? If not you may want to consider it. If H doesn't won't go do it for yourself. Good luck to you.
C

Thanks guys.<p>MnM, the tree was hard. We have all of these ornaments from our first Christmas together, special little tokens we have picked up for each other over the years...I cried once, but had to stop for my son. But who knows what I will be like after he goes to bed. I better stay away from the wine.<p>Cybil,<p>I am trying not to give up, but it is so hard. He seems so sure when he says he wants to go. Then he says or does something that makes me think he is'nt sure. Thank you for your support. It really does help me stay sane.<p>Needing

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

mylife<p>I am trying to do Plan A, I did HUGE LB's last night, but tried to make up for them. I still have'nt decided what to do after he leaves. The actual PA is over, and he swears the only contact is professional. I actually have access to his e-mail (he does not know that) and can confirm that they are not continuing contact that way. He is in withdrawel, but that could go on forever with the contact.<p>I have been thinking about Plan B, but we would have to have some contact regarding our son. At the same time I keep thinking that as long as he does not start the A with her again I should try to Plan A after seperation. I feel I should be available to talk to him, especially since I know she would be. If he needs to talk I want him to feel safe coming to me, not like he only has her to turn to, that only she cares about him.<p>It's just all to confusing and painfull sometimes. I already miss him so much, I don't know what I will do when he leaves. I know will not beg him to stay. I have done that before, not real good for the ol' self esteem. I will have to let him go gracefully.<p>This is going to kill our son.

Well, just an update. I talked to him last night. He was in his room, I could hear the guy he is sharing the room with in the background. He yelled Hi to me. They were all going to meet at the bar, there are 5 of them on this little ski side trip. They were not going to have a late night, getting up early for skiing. They only have today. <p>Thing is he said he would call me this morning and has'nt. So here I sit, all freaked out that something happend last night and now he is afraid to call me. I know in my head that they probably just got up and got going, but I'm still worried. And they are staying in the mountains tonight and heading back to Denver for a Sales Meeting tomorrow. He will still be sharing a room with this same friend, but it's at the same hotel as OW, and there are socail dinners and stuff that they will all be at. UUUGHHH!!! I am just sick over all of this. <p>My main thinking right now is that I need to put my best face on. I was extremly pleasant on the phone, asked about the other people there that I know. Told him to enjoy the ski lesson. Told him I loved him, he responded with give S a kiss. I need to just be as upbeat, non confrontational as possible when he comes home. <p>I don't want him to leave in Jan. I think I will just not bring it up at all. My H is very much a procrastinator when it comes to everything but work. I am hoping that he just does'nt get around to looking for a place and that gives us extra time. He also has a very busy work schedule and the holidays. I just don't see how he could manage it by Jan 1.<p>Still losing my sanity this week. Want to run screaming into the wind.