Welp,<p>I emailed my IC (she knows my H REAL good, she was our former MC). Here's what she said to do:<p>**************************************************
I don't like that he is attempting to communicate with you. It appears that he intends to try to maintain some kind of delusion of continuity and appeasement of his own shame by being able to say "oh, I'm still friends with or in touch with my ex-wife."<p>I'd like you not to file a restraining order, but rather a warning note to him that if he contacts you again you will consider taking legal action as necessary.<p>Whatever his needs are or have been, his decisions suggest that he is still manipulative and immature (why would we expect anything different?).
**************************************************<p>I called my XH and told him that altho I think he may have had different intentions, his card to me did nothing but bring up extremely painful memories, and I request that he PLEASE respect my wishes and leave me alone. He was surprised, he said he didn't mean for it to hurt me, that he was just sitting at his desk at lunch and started to think about me fondly, so he sent the card to me.<p>He said he will no longer contact me and he'll wait for me to call him. Unbelievable!!!!!! We've had this exact convo at least 5 times in the past year, and he always says that. I told him that his card, specifically the last bullet, was condescending and offensive, and I explained why ... (i.e. find "Your" family and find "REAL" love). He still didn't get it ...... and he then became cross. We say good-bye and hang up.<p>I then sent him an email titled "Why No Contact:" that detailed the things I have gone thru with him and OW. I composed it over the course of a year and never intended for anyone to see it, it was solely for my anger and healing. But ... I sent it to him so his revisionist history warped brain could digest what I have been thru and why I NEED him to leave me alone. <p>I hope it works, and I hope I don't regret sending it. I'm sure it's an LB and I've been such a good Plan A'er ... but hey .... Steve Harley told me I am no longer Plan anything. <p>Jo<p>[ December 07, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Dear Jo,<p>{{Hugz}} If he can give you the respect you deserve than it is not a loss. You are not the one who lost the world, he did. <p>IMHO, I believe he is coming around to that understanding. However, sharing that with you is still too painful for you. <p>Please Jo, you are such a wonderful person. Gifted and loving. Don't loose those qualities. When you choose to allow that special man to make you happy enter your life, let us know. We will do our best to screen him to make sure he will treat 'our Jo' no less than the best. Til then, you can treat our Jo your best. No less. K? <p>Love your lil' sis.
L.

Hi Hon:<p>I posted to you on the earlier thread...but he said just what I expected him to say....and he'll wait a while and then contact you again...he's won again. Quit letting him win...he's just hurting you. Let his attempts to contact you just roll over your back. <p>He's closed a door to the past...he can't just keep opening it and peeking in to see if your still pining away for him. If he ever truly wants back in your life...he knows how to do so...but for now he's just keeping a foot in the door so it doesn't close. I love you too much to see him do this to you...but only you can make him stop.<p>Love Faye.

Hi Jo - I hope you can turn your back on this episode immediately. <p>I am concerned that you mentioned Plan A and LB'ing. These concepts are irrelevant with regard to your X. Understand? <p>Perhaps turn your thoughts to put these principles into practice with the good people around you. Maybe we should be Plan A'ing of a sort the rest of our lives to help us feel good about ourselves and to develope trusting friendships with everyone close to us. Please apply your tremendous compassion and warmth where it will be appreciated.<p>Dave

I agree with your therapist. one faux pas might be understandable, as people we all have a hard time fully understanding others feelings. However he has a well established pattern of doing what he wants re you. I think it is reasonable to think he is indeed manipulative and controlling and seeks to keep influence over your emotions. He may actually think he is being considerate blah blah blah, but that is the nature of personality disorders, think everyone else is the problem. Also he reacts poorly when you are firm, another red flag of controllers. Jo I follow your posts and feel so bad for you. life dealt you a more rotten hand than many, even for these kinds of circumstances. I know it is of little consolation but there are many psychologically evil/dangerous people in the world, and most of them marry someone. There was nothing you could do to make this better, you were doomed from day 1. If possible (the cup 1/2 full thingy) consider yourself lucky that you have had the rest of your life restored to you, and look forward to the wonderful opportunities and experiences that await you. Kinda like being in a terrible car wreck, put on life support, expected to die, made your peace with God.....then miracle of miracles you live, are taken off life support, lay in bed miserable for a few more weeks, and discharged fully healthy and recoverd, but a lot smarter, now when you drive you wear your seatbelt, pay closer attention to the road, speed less, even went to for defensive driving lessons to increase your skill level. I agree with your email. It is normal for people of goodwill (you) to think well of people even if they are unintentionally rude or insensitive, and want to think positively of them. But when someone you deal with is hopelessly toxic you have to hit them over the head with a 2x4 to get their attention. If the email fails (hopefully you also told him you will not accept calls, and will throw away any mail unopened), then tell him you will get a protection order. As long as he keeps doing this you are in the position of someone laying in bed with a broken leg (no splint) being visited by a cheerful caring smiling person, who for some reason sits on your leg every time he comes (cause it makes him feel better to sit there), and gets offeneded when you scream at him....ya know? You are ok, just put a gaurd on the door with xH picture, and tell him to shoot em on sight...so to speak.

Jo,
I replied on you're other post before I read this one so.... disregard the other reply....

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I hope it works, and I hope I don't regret sending it. I'm sure it's an LB and I've been such a good Plan A'er ... but hey .... Steve Harley told me I am no longer Plan anything. <hr></blockquote><p>That is right you are not in any Plan anything, so it doesn't matter if it was an LB.<p>good for you for sending the list. who cares what he thinks or feels.<p>GO buy yourself a great bday present.