OK, so I haven't done enough reading through old posts to gather my thoughts on this, so I figured I would just throw out my question for you wonderful people to help me think through this.<p>You see the time-line of my story in my signature line. <p>I am dying to call the OW. ??? Should I??? Can I??? Will it do any good????<p>She's 26, single, my H is 31, I'm 32. I've never met her, seen her, or even know what she looks like, escept for a little bit of descriptions from my H. He's living with her now, since Oct. 20 when he moved out "for good". When he came home the last time, at the end of September, she sent me a letter. It was a letter apologizing, and admitting that what she had done was wrong, and she wished us luck in rebuilding, and that she would stay out of the way, and she's a Christian and knows what she did was wrong, and she believed from my H that our marriage was beyond repair... bla bla bla. well, 3 weeks later, he was moving back in with her.<p>He tried to get me to file D with him on Oct. 18. I wouldn't. I still haven't been served, and he hasn't mentioned the D since before Thanksgiving. I saw him the other day for about 10 minutes, and he was very nice, complimentary of me and my appearance, seemed nervous talking to me. I tried to ask him of his living arrangements on the phone earlier that day, and he avoided the issue. I have "hinted" several times that I know that he is living with her, but we haven't totally cleared the air and been honest about the whole thing. <p>It just KILLS me ... knowing the good, moral, Christian man that he WAS ... that he can live like he is, and not be overwhelmed with guilt and doubt.<p>So, I have this urge to call her and try to meet her for lunch, or talk on the phone with her, or send her a letter. I don't know why. I want her to know that I still believe in my marriage, and I still love my H (because I'm sure he tells her it's over, and I am over it). I want to meet her face to face - woman to woman - and let her see that I'm a real person, that's hurt by the betrayal of the man she loves dearly. I want to ask for her help - to do the right thing, and end their relationship. <p>Help me think through this. Has anyone ever had any luck doing something like this? Will it make ME feel better to just send her a letter? I mean, what could it possibly hurt?<p>sighhhhhhh.... <p>I know, I should just forget about it... there's nothing I can do to make the A end. I'm just wondering if they're stuck in this and need something to shake them awake. When I fist discovered them, and called them on their little week-end getaway, I scared him to death - that I followed them there or something. He later told me he was glad I called them, because it woke them up and made them realize what they were doing was wrong. that's when they ended it the first time.<p>ok... done rambling now.... thanks everyone.. for listening, and giving me your thoughts on this.. any and all thoughts are welcome [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I REALLLLY need help with this... so all you weekend MB warriors.... talk to me!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ December 08, 2001: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Ok Faith,
What would you say to her if you had the chance?
Wouldn't that be a LB for you then?
Have you thought all of the What If's out in your head?
Are you plan Bing like you should?
Do you think she would be so nice to you if you did talk? What if she started calling you names and saying rude things to you.
Isn't that playing with fire?<p>How about you call me and act like I am the OW and say what ever you want that way you get the urge out. Sherry

{{{Faith1}}}
I have talked to my H's OW 3 times. Each time, she tried to tell me what a beautiful woman I was, and "why did I want a lying cheater like my H?" Faith, I can tell you it will NOT help. It will give her something to bit@h to your H about, and trust me, he will be mad at YOU, not her. You cannot do or say anything at this point to make this woman have morals. It doesn't matter that both of them are Christians, they are HUMANS first. This woman is going to believe NOTHING that you say. I speak from total experience. My H's OW claimed that my H was lying to "one" of us. She felt SOOOO superior to me that she actually believed EVERYTHING he said to her, all the while, knowing that he was lying and betraying me. I cannot stress enough how badly I wanted to talk the OW out of being with my H. Faith1, they believe that they are the WS's SOULMATE. That's all they hear from the WS. We are the ENEMY. No matter what you say, she will not believe it. My H's OW actually had the nerve to ask ME how my FAITH was! This woman was walking with the DEVIL and so is your H and his OW. Don't do it, don't do it, DON'T DO IT. You will not get ANY satisfaction from it. If you need to, write to us and tell us what you want to say to her.......<p>Hugs and prayers going out to you, Faith1!<p>MOM

Faith, <p>Do you really want my opinion? Your feelings are strong. May not go away until you do something. You appear to be reaching out for the acceptance stage but stuck on this point. <p>You are going to have to do something. Not sure how it will be received. So here is what I recommend. Write you thoughts in the letter. Don't LB. Be careful but keep a copy. Ask your H to deliver the letter and if he won't you get it to her somehow. To her work, her home, e-mail, special delivery whatever you choose. <p>Don't meet her in person. She lied to you in her letter. That has been my take since the beginning of her correspondence. You keep a copy of that letter. If you get a response you may have her fingerprints on it. Make a copy and put anything from her in a plastic bad and seal it.
Future evidence thing.....<p>Of course, all my info is based on what should be done if there is a psyco OW involved. Might be overdoing in your case but better safe than sorry. Then if you need to recall what you communicated you always have it in writing. Your H can not accuse you of stuff you can't prove. <p>Phone call or letter but not in person. She is not worth the look. Also don't spill out your guts or your plans. Let them just .....wonder.<p>L.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

I just want to add that seeing her face to face really wont help. You do not know what she will say and you could end up getting hurt even more. <p>If you really need to do something, send the letter or e-mail, that way at least you not in a situation that you could lose control of.<p>Just my thought.<p>Needing

Faith,<p>If you want a picture of her, I will have my 7 year old draw one up and send it to you. His depiction will be a bit gruesome but you expected that right??? LOL!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sending that thought to make you crack a smile instead of crack up.... I am at work, call or page if you can. <p>L.

thanks everyone!!! You are wonderful. Ok I agree. I REALLY don't want to see her. I don't want to spend the next 3 months of my life getting those pictures out of my head. ok. Thinking of writing a letter for sure... and I will keep thinking about whether to send it or not. <p>thank you for your thoughts and support. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>please keep sending them.... need more .. if anyone is out there...<p>don't worry. I'm ok - not panicking or anything... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] and I wouldn't do anything until Monday anyway... but I need some help thinking through this. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear Faith1:<p>Instead of setting up a luncheon date with OW, why not meet your H for lunch?<p>Is there a way you can contact him without OW knowing? Can you get a message/letter to him somehow?<p>Does H's parents know where he is? Will H's parents be willing to help you repair your relationship with your H?<p>Are you familiar with Lostva's story? Her H moved in with OW for approximately 6 months...and, all the while she would send her H little letters/cards telling him what was going on with her and kids. She was able to get these letters hand-delivered to him with the help of her father-in-law. She said things like, "I'll never give up on our love", or "You will always be my husband in my eyes," "I believe in you," etc. Eventually, her H's affair with OW fizzled and they were reunited!!! Here's the link to her story (Look for Lostva's post...5th one down)
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=004084<p>Just a thought!<p>Praying for you and your H. ~Marie<p>[ December 08, 2001: Message edited by: ohmy_marie ]</p>

Way to go Ohmy_Marie,<p>I loved that thread, it is giving me hope. (I need to read it again)<p>Faith1,<p>This is a great idea, re-focus your energy and direction. It needs to be on you and M, not OW.
OW does not care about you and your M, only you do.<p>Needing

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Faith1:
<strong>O<p>I am dying to call the OW. ??? Should I??? Can I??? Will it do any good????<p> When he came home the last time, at the end of September, she sent me a letter. It was a letter apologizing, and admitting that what she had done was wrong, and she wished us luck in rebuilding, and that she would stay out of the way, and she's a Christian and knows what she did was wrong, and she believed from my H that our marriage was beyond repair... bla bla bla. well, 3 weeks later, he was moving back in with her.
<<< I want to ask for her help - to do the right thing, and end their relationship.>>> <p>[ December 08, 2001: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p> No. She is obviously a lying snake (no big surprise). She doesn't want to "do the right thing" she wants your H and will probably stop at nothing to get him. She will say whatever she can to hurt you and try to get you to give up. When my H dumped his OW I got a phone call because I "deserved to know" what went on. BS, I wanted to know when the A STARTED and I confronted her and she lied to me. Then she wanted to tell me how "sorry" she was, she knew it was wrong blah blah blah. All phony and all a ploy, a last ditch attempt at manipulation. She was hoping that I wouldn't take him back and that she might possibly have another crack at him if he had nowhere else to go. If not, at least she would have had the satisfaction of knowing that at least he was with me. You should have heard her "I know you never deserved this, I know how hard this must have been on you" blah blah. Meanwhile every chance she got she slipped in some details of their relationship that would only cause me pain, and that I didn't want to hear. I didn't say much. Finally after droning on and on she said "Do you love him and are you going to take him back." I told her yes and she started bawling about how she "couldn't handle this" and that I should divorce him and take all of his money. The last thing she said was "Don't worry, you can have him. I hate him and I'll never speak to him again." ROFL. The very next day she started barraging him with pleading phone calls begging him to come back to her, telling him how much she hated me etc. She would fill up his entire voicemail box at work. She also started harassing me. The only think talking to the OW woudl do is possibly set the record straight (though your H woudl probably say you are lying) about what is really going on and how you feel. But at this point it's a big LB and woudl probably only hurt you anyway. This woman doesn't care about you at all. Plenty of OW make phony apologies to the wife for soem reason.

Hi Faith,<p>Wow Fairydust, you have the same OW???? Hm....boy her kind sure get around. Samething happened exactly as you said. <p>Yep yep yep.... Faith you remember those 27 then up to about 35 cute voicemails I got around end of May/June?!?!? Samething!! Wow. So this must a 'learned trait' from the 'desparate to steal a MM' class taught at OW University!!! <p>See Faith if you talk to her you are opening a way up for her to hurt you. Giving her power. Right now she is wondering how you are since you have basically hidden your motives from her. What she knows about you is via your H. Hm..... she knows your H is capable of lying so she knows better than to believe everything but I think she would like to be able to LB you with your own data. Now your personal self preservation side says to contact her for your needs but the OW perservation side will twist that like everything else she has twisted in her life. You will be no different. <p>So don't give her the power. Your need will be satisfied eventually. The letter will help some of that need. Time will help the rest. WE can help too!! <p>L.

Faith,<p> I am going to jump in here with my 2 cents. You don't want to have anything to do with the OW. Trust me I am talking from experiance. Remember what it did to me? It will rip you up inside. It still does for me. It will put pictures in your head that you don't want there. You also have to remember that she already has an image of you in her head. Your WH if he is anything like my WW has said all sorts of bad things about you. Keep that in mind. I promise you that they will talk about you and your reactions. If you need to know what it is really like look up some of my posts. That will give you an picture of what it would be like.<p>Indy

ok. so it seems a unanimous vote to not talk to her or see her. This will sink in to my thick skull eventually... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] thank you all for being here.<p>I keep thinking, "But what if my OW is different than all these others? What if she's really compassionate, and hearing from me would truly make a difference?"<p>I'm currently in limbo between Plan A and Plan B. I'm not ready to go to Plan B, right here before Christmas, but my Plan A efforts are very minimal... since my love bank is so low, and I just don't have any energy to do anything for him. I gues I just have this urge to shake things up a little - to get out of this stalemate we seem to be in.<p>thank you all for your input. I would love more, if there's any other opinions or experiences out there.... I'm going to write a letter tomorrow or Monday... and by then this will be resolved in my head a bit, and probably won't give it to her.<p>I'll be back on later tonite.<p>{{{{{MB friends}}}}} [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Not unanimous, I would do it.

Faith,
As an XOW I can tell you that not every situation is the same and not every OW is the same. Just because there are others who have had negative experiences in trying to get the OW to see the light does not mean you will have the same experience. I have been through what you are trying to do which is why I had to register and post a reply. I have lurked on this board for almost a year and never posted anything. But this post hit close to home. The reason I am an XOW is because XMM's wife contacted me by phone. We arranged a meeting and sat an talked for almost 3 hours. It was then that I got to see her as a real person and realised what the heck I was involved in. It just turns out that there were some serious untruths being to by MM to her and to me. BEcause of that meeting, I chose to back off from MM and I believe their marriage is on stronger ground without me being involved. He had issues with his wife but instead of talking with her about them, he used me as a stress reliever. Me being out of the picture forced him to face those issues head on. I"m not going to lie and say we chatted like old high school friends....there were a few tense moments, but we were civil and acted as adults and came to an understanding. Granted, XMM was not at all pleased about us meeting and he didn't find out about it until after the fact, but I answered her questions honestly. At first I tried to hold back because I didn't want anything I said to be too painful and to get her upset and irate, but she asked for brutal honesty and I gave it to her. This was about 6 months ago. MM still calls occational at work though, never at home anymore and when he calls he asks about business related things. Now, by all means, I'm not telling you that you SHOULD talk to her, I'm just saying, there are different circumstances for everyone and all of it should be weighed when making that kind of decision. What kind of gut instinct do you have about your H's OW? Do you think she could be civil and objective, or is she nasty and manipulative? I know it is the popular belief on this site and I can understand how it would be, but trust and believe that ALL OW's are NOT nasty, manipulative three-headed ogre's that are only out for one thing. In my situation, I know what XMM told me about his W and his Marriage and I was led to believe things that weren't completely true. I honestly did love the XMM and there was no hidden motive behind it. I just thought he was a great person in a bad situation that he was scared to remove himself from.

Faith,<p>My vote is not to contact her in any way. Sure, I'll give you that she could be different than any other OW, however, she too is in a FOG. <p>If she is Christian, which I don't doubt, she is definitely either ignoring or justifying what she is CONTINUING to do. Like someone on this thread said "She is human first".<p>My H's OW said many, many times that she would pray to God every single day of her life that she could be the ONE my H picked. You get that Faith??? ..... SHE PRAYED TO GOD for MY H to leave me for her. She also said that her "prayers to God were answered when my H finally left me". Christian???? .... no, human taker.<p>No matter what people SAY, Faith ... only pay attention to their actions. <p>Your H's OW has an agenda, she is obviously in taker mode, regardless of how Christian she is. I don't care what your H has told her .. as a Christian she knows what is right and what is wrong and has "CHOSEN" to ignore it. <p>Plus Faith, no matter what you say to her, whether in person or in writing, will not speed up their affair's natural death, if anything it may prolong it. The "us against the world - Romeo and Juliet scenario".<p>Faith, just let it run it's course. I know you feel like you need to do something, but I fear it may cause you more grief, hon.<p>Just my nickels worth.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ December 08, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Faith, <p>SBG raises a valid point. You can weigh that in your situation but a differing factor in your case is that you have a letter from the OW stating her sorrow and promise not to interfere with you and your H yet look at where he is now. <p>So you are the one that needs to weigh all that is involved. I agree with SBG that not all OWs are bad. Some are definitely worse than others. <p>I have tried to give Mrs. PB Rabbit the benefit of the doubt, but unless I am totally brainless I would be a fool to think she is anything less than a manipulative beast. Just my example though and I certainly would not wish her on anyone else. <p>This is hard hon, I know. If I had not experienced what I did, I would have found it hard to believe. So I don't expect everyone to share the same feelings. However, truth be told there are such ones out there that can lie over and over again. There is no fool proof test that we can measure so gut instinct is what we have to go with. <p>You probably have not seen her real bad side yet. Maybe I have not seen Mrs. PB Rabbit's worse side and I hope never to see worse than what I already have..... But if you are fed up enough, then it is bad enough for you. <p>Take Care Faith,
L.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>
Faith, just let it run it's course. I know you feel like you need to do something, but I fear it may cause you more grief, hon.<p></strong><hr></blockquote><p>Faith,
Jo is right....it must run its course.....the hard part is for us to do NOTHING while God works!! We want to HELP!!!<p>Again, as stated by SBG, not all OW are the same, have the same motives, thoughts, etc. BUT one thing IS the same!! They are all players in this spiritual "game" Satan is playing - for the lives and souls of Christians! Please DON'T let yourself get sucked in to playing on HIS field!!! <p>Remember, he gets "active" when his time is short....I believe his time is very short, and this A is winding down....read Rev. 12:12. This is simply the enemy trying to get you to get into the works and MUCK everything up trying to "do it in the flesh" instead of trusting God to do it in the Spirit.<p>Take this advice for what it's worth to you, my dear Lil' Sis, BUT I have been where you are for the last week! I have wanted to DO something - ALL kinds of stuff has come into my mind!! Some of it very similar to your stuff, but including going out on DATES!!!!!!! I truly believe Satan is working overtime cause the "breakthrough" is JUST AROUND the corner....<p>Stay the course, Lil Sis, stay close to God. Pray, remain faithful to what He has told you, and Praise Him for answers even before we witness them!! This pleases Him most of all. <p>Whatever you think you want to tell her, write it down on paper, then throw it away! It will do no good to actually give it to her (might actually be more harmful), but it might help you just to express it openly, on paper, to look at it later in a cold, unemotional way. <p>I'm still praying that both of our WS's are home soon. I KNOW it will happen.....YOU know it, too! Cause of your sig line.<p> [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
Lupo

Every situation is so different. I, too, could not get rid of the urge to contact OW. I had struggled for months and sent and unsent 5
e-mails. I wanted to make sure that OW knew I was real and that my hopes and dreams were ripped right out from under me cause of something she was a part of. Each time I would pray that God would show ,me why I needed to do this and what were my motives. I initially wanted to hurt OW and expose my WS lies and maybe break up the "honeymoon". I was initially motivated by anger. I kept feeling like the timing was not right....timing for what I do not know but I thought that a right time would "show" itself. <p>Well one Sunday I decided to go to a different Sunday School class to see what it was like (we have two SS classes at our church each Sunday). WEEEELLLLLLLL was I in for a big suprise. The topic was forgiveness and the story that the teacher began the class with was about a Pastor who solicited prostitutes and then had an affair, divorced his W and married the OW. The focus of the story was the BS forgiveness of WS & OW which opened the door to the WS being brought to faith in Christ. Well---this SS class told me that I had to forgive not only WS which I did before he left but I had to confront and forgive OW to get freedom and move on.<p>I tweaked my e-mail that I had written months before. I re-examined my motives, removed all the digs and repectfully told her how I have been effected by the A and ended the e-mail like this:<p>"I do not totally blame you for what has happened. I know (WS) is a grown man and he is solely responsible for his own actions and I am fully aware of my failures. Although I have been angry with you, I will continue to pray for you and I want you to know that I forgive you. I do this cause it is the right thing to do and it will help me heal and continue to move forward with or without (WS)." She responded very remorseful and agreeing with all I said. She knows she is doing the wrong thing and she knows what goes around comes around and I gave her this site which she said she would check out (maybe she is reading this now)<p>My WS is not back, OW is not repentive or out of the picture and I still struggle with pain intermittenly along with confusion and aloneness BUT I have moved forward and the freedom for me to forgive was the most awesome thing I have experienced through all this. I feel a release and have no desire to contact OW now----it was haunting me before. For me, it removed the power she had over me cause I learned that OW is hurting to. Keep praying that God will show you why you need to contact OW and examine your motives. You cannot do it for the sole purpose of "winning" back WS. You also have to be ready for hearing things you might not want to so make sure you are strong enough before doing anything. <p>I felt just like the person who was abused and needed to confront the abuser to move on and heal so I, too, had to confront my abusers (I totally confronted WS before he left and he knew totally what he was doing to me) and I had to somehow convey to OW that she abused me too. I even said in the e-mail that I doubt if she really cared but that was not important to me. I said what I had to say! I have to believe that if what I conveyed was truth and I did it respectfully that THEY have to live with it. <p>Faith, I see the reason to do this if it is a way of letting go but don't do it if you only want it to "save" your M....if might, but it might not and that will cause you GREAT distress.<p>Hope something I said helps you and I will pray for the right thing for you to do.<p>God Bless
TW