Thanks Thinker for your version of the story. My H's OW also tried to get me to feel bad for her (and I did) when my H ended the affair and she called to tattle (after lying her a** off when I confronted her a week into it). Once she found out her little ploy hadn't worked and H and I were still getting back together she became very abusive towards me. I wish you all the peace in the world, from what I have read your situation has to be very frustrating.

I made the mistake of calling the OW 1 1/2 weeks ago when I found out there was still contact. She filled my head full of false securities and false hope! All lies! Believe me, it wasn't worth it! He's back with her and I'm in plan B!<p>Le

Faith1<p> My DDay was Nov. 1 2001. I found H's cell phone invoices. I took all his belongings, and threw them all out in the front lawn. After that, (since all her numbers showed up about 300 times on the bills) I had the number, and called her.(this happened before I started seeing C and before I found, and got involved with MB)
I caught her on her cell phone, I said to her "How would you like it if you were married, and I called your husband 24/7?" she replied "If I had a husband, he wouldn't have to go elsewhere to find things" I fumed...I said "I hope you sleep well at night knowing that you're breaking up a family" she said "like a baby" I fumed....I said "why are you having an A with MY husband? You know he is married and has children right?" she said "not for long, and the kids will get over it?" and I fumed...
When H found out about the phone call I had made, he said I had no right to call and harass her he even had enough balls to tell me I owe HER an apology. When I told him the horrible things she said to me....he said "that doesn't sound like something she would say, your making it up!" I made that call, it didn't solve anything, it just made me hate her more. I gave her the power of knowing that she got the best of me mentally. OW will eventually get whats coming to her. "what comes around, goes around" Just sit back. If I had the chance would I make the phone call again? I'm glutten so probably, the one thing it taught me was that she IS NOT the little sweet inocent ray of sunlight H made her out to be. That makes feel a little better, I guess.....

BlueLou,
To answer some of your questions: YES I am VERY Sorry about the affair. While it's true XMM led me to believe his wife was sooo uninterested in him and the marriage, I don't see myself as the victim because I know I should have told him from the start that if it was that bad he should divorce first and then we could talk. But I didn't do that and that is my fault. I take sole responsibility for my actions. No, I am not married and have never been married. I am 24 years old. Almost five years ago I was in the military and I was involved with a single guy that I loved more than life itself. My first love. I walked into his room one night and he was "in the act" with a girl who had just gotten to our unit 3 days prior. That pain and devastation was unbearable. I left the military because of that. Couldn't deal with being in the same unit as those two. When I sat down with XMM's wife and I saw her in person and actually SAW the pain she was going through, it was like someone slapped ME back to 4.5 years ago and I felt her pain as if it were my own all over again. Words cannot describe how bad I felt for inflicting that feeling on someone else no matter what XMM had been telling me. I don't have any children although about 3 months before my meeting with XMM's wife I was pregnant by him. I knew that I couldn't have that baby. I love kids and I want a house full one day but I knew that situation was just dead wrong to bring a child into this world. XMM actually asked me to have it but he left the decision up to me and I made it. They have 2 children, a boy and a girl. I don't think she knows that I have been in her house. At least I didn't tell her. I felt like that would be something that would be even more painful. In hindsight I know it is more heinous(sp?) for a BS to hear that a WS has had the OP in their bed. Had she askedabout it, I would have told her but I didn't want to cause anymore harm than what had been done. The affair was both emotional and physical. I met him not long after I got out of the military and we were friends for months before it turned physical.

Faith - to call the other woman could be a good release for you, and it could fire back. I watched a movie last night about a woman whose H had an affair with a 22 year old. It started on the internet and got physical. It was good to get a few pointers off it. One, when we go to court, the OW will be subponead by my lawyer. This according to the movie is a must. She will have to fly to our state and commit herself to the adultery, be pretty explicit about the sexual activity she had with my H, and with her other affair too. Because this was her second affair, it will be more that my lawyer will have to open up. Also, maybe her H will come with her, if he knows, which we don't know if he knows yet. Cause she wanted to keep this affair a secret. Yeah all the threats she gave me about hurting her H and all. She was not concerned about her H, it was all about her. <p>Anyways, with this being her second affair, the grounds may be more for the BS of her lover. I am not sure how this will end up, but I feel we will divorce soon. Once the divorce has started, there will be no reason to not call the OW. With counseling, it is reasonable to talk with the OW, once the divorce proceedings are started. <p>The laws are changing more for the BS. IN the movie, the wife got more for the adultery her H had. The lawyers were quite harsh to the OW and the H. The OW in this story was young, and her parents didn't know about the affair, until she had to come to court. So that opened her parents eyes up that their daughter needed help. She had to go for psychological help. Yes, in my situation, the OW, and my H may go to each other after the divorce is final, and cry on each others shoulders. But who knows, they may stay in each others arms and then they will find out their love was not real. <p>Yes, your H is a liar, a cheater, and would be nice to hear the WS be remorseful and to hear your H say he loves you. But it isn't going to happen. They will lie, not say anything wrong about the other woman, but put their wife down and portray the wife as a wicked woman. I know, read SNL posts. Yes, I am hurting.<p>I would advise you to call a lawyer and talk to that person about your rights in your state. I have a lawyer to talk to, and feel I am getting closer to making the appointment, to find out my rights. Your state may not be as harsh on the OP as others. This call will make you feel better, it did when the OW called me. I knew when I talked to her, that there was something mentally wrong with this woman. And couldn't believe that my H fell for this woman.<p>Another thing you could do is have someone that is a close friend to you be the OW. You ask questions, and have her give the answers like she was the OW. Stage the act, so that you feel comfortable talking to her on the phone. My H doesn't want me telling anyone that this was a physical affair. Anyways, good luck, I will quit now, getting too negative.

geez arpow that was a pretty awful experience, hard to understand how people can be so cruel. Clearly she is not in-love with your H, no one who would respond that way is capable of loving anyone but themself. Not fun, but still you filled in part of your life, you now know the nature of the ow, and you know something about the man who is your H too. This is all valuable stuff, and needed for your healing, IMO that is a good thing.

Like APROW, I too found my H's cell phone bill with numerous calls to OW, and on d-day, after he admitted to having feelings for her, I called her. I thanked her for interfering in our marriage. (This was pre MB days). <p>Well, unlike APROW, she was rather pleasant. She never got nasty with me. She sounded sad, like a child who had been caught stealing candy. I do not know if it is because I caught her so off guard or because of the guilt, but she disclosed information that I asked (okay, I told her that my H had already provided me with this info.) And she was insisting, as my husband had, that they were, "just good friends." However, she also said, "that she hadn't meant for it to get to this level" and "she never meant to get involved with a co-worker." <p>I finally tricked her into admitting a physical relationship had occurred, and I wish I had gotten more specific and asked when, where, etc... but I was so angry that I told her 1) I hope she is one day cheated on in her marriage; and 2) I hope she rots in hell. <p>I have never seen OW, and although I would love to see her picture, I do not think I want to see her in person. I think her image would haunt me for the rest of my life. I do have a good description though, because in the beginning my H's relationship with her was truly a friendship and my sister's fiancee went to a concert with them. So, at least I have the description and it is not a good one (even before I knew of their relationship). <p>So, she was not a monster when I confronted her. But, she is still cheating with my H- so she truly is an evil person. She has little self-esteem and no morals. But, my H is still the one who crossed the line. Thus, the issue is truly between him and I. <p>Of course, I say this now and next week I will be telling you how I confronted her. Rollercoaster....<p>AS

I swear to God I think Saved by Grace and I were involved with the same man!<p>After MUCH thought and processing (both here with you guys and privately with 1 MB onve e-mail). I sent his W a letter this morning.<p>For SO long I felt that I should say something, but what was there to say.<p>This this week an incident happended with my boyfriend where I distrusted him. It was about 12 hours until it was all straightened out. But in that 12 hours I was a wreck. And it was in those moments that I thought "she needs to know."<p>I can't for one minute imagine wondering, thinking, feeling certain things and NEVER being able to get to the bottom of it. I can't imagine spending years drowning in lies, half truths, wonderings, etc. It's too much. And it's cruel. So I sent her a letter because she deserves honesty. <p>There is no question in my mind that she will hate me. There is not question that my latter will end all contact with him. Maybe it was selfish to let her know. I don't know. But for once in this whole mess I feel like I took an action where my motives were pure and not self serving.<p>And if she has questions, I will answer them. I'm sure she must. Becasue even if she suspected about us i'm quite sure that she didn't know how long it's been going on. And it's been going on for FAR longer than she thinks. <p>Historically this A has felt like "no big deal". Today it just feels messy and sad.

Faith,
I'm weighing in a little late. I know the impulse to "talk sense" to the OP...here's my experience, oh & she's a coworker of my H's:<p>Met her at a party 10/97. No PA going on yet, EA maybe, certainly flirting. She was a total b! to me. Told me she'd had lunch with my H that day...oh, he hadn't told me? (Lots of long hair tossing on her part)<p>PA begun 4/98.<p>Our 4th reconciliation 6/99, my H disappeared for 6 hours on a Sunday. He came home, told me he'd been driving hadn't seen the OW. My prayer partner calls moments later to say she saw my H about noon with his arm around a tall, long-haired blonde. Yes he had seen her. I called her. She said she does not date married men (oh? what was a year+ of sex with him then?) I said we're married. She said that we were getting divorced. I said my H had not seen a lawyer. She said, where is he right now? I said, here, downstairs with the kids. Is he living at home? Yes, I said and told her I love him.<p>Our 5th separation took place 2 weeks later...the A going hot & heavy...again.<p>Last year I saw her at 2 Xmas parties, she shows no remorse. This past 2 months I've seen her at a retirement party & 2 Xmas parties, she married my H's housemate, but made sure to sit in my H's line of sight at the sit-down dinner....<p>So, Faith, if you do contact her, don't expect the truth, or even a minor version of reality. Perhaps she'll be the rare contrite OW...but how come so few of the BS on this thread have talked to one of those...?

good for you katie, you did the right thing, and for the right reason...honesty. Makes no difference what the outcome is, there is only one thing of importance here, and that is her right to know, and everyone who has that info has an obligation to tell her so, that is how life works. And by discharging that obligation, you also benefit, as you now realize.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Lor (Lor):
[QB]
She said she does not date married men (oh? what was a year+ of sex with him then?) I said we're married. She said that we were getting divorced. I said my H had not seen a lawyer. >>><p>Hee hee Lor. Ex Ow informed me that we were "in the process of getting a divorce" too. She didn't even say "Well he told me you were getting a divorce" she presented it to me as a fact. She was quite surprised to learn that H had never even seen a lawyer, nor had any proceedings been begun at all.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ARPOW:
<strong>Faith1<p> My DDay was Nov. 1 2001. I found H's cell phone invoices. I took all his belongings, and threw them all out in the front lawn. After that, (since all her numbers showed up about 300 times on the bills) I had the number, and called her.(this happened before I started seeing C and before I found, and got involved with MB)
I caught her on her cell phone, I said to her "How would you like it if you were married, and I called your husband 24/7?" she replied "If I had a husband, he wouldn't have to go elsewhere to find things" I fumed...I said "I hope you sleep well at night knowing that you're breaking up a family" she said "like a baby" I fumed....I said "why are you having an A with MY husband? You know he is married and has children right?" she said "not for long, and the kids will get over it?" and I fumed...
When H found out about the phone call I had made, he said I had no right to call and harass her he even had enough balls to tell me I owe HER an apology. When I told him the horrible things she said to me....he said "that doesn't sound like something she would say, your making it up!" I made that call, it didn't solve anything, it just made me hate her more. I gave her the power of knowing that she got the best of me mentally. OW will eventually get whats coming to her. "what comes around, goes around" Just sit back. If I had the chance would I make the phone call again? I'm glutten so probably, the one thing it taught me was that she IS NOT the little sweet inocent ray of sunlight H made her out to be. That makes feel a little better, I guess.....</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Oh wow ARpow, <p>We are either dealing with the same OW or they are sorority sisters from the same OW University!!! LOL! Same stuff..... unbelievable.<p>Mrs PB Rabbit accued my H of emotional adultery when he came home and even called me to tell me that I (BS) was not married to my H that she was. Guess that justified the emotional adultery charge. I said I have the certificate, she said it doesn't matter. Babble kept babbling (true to her name) and so I hung up. <p>Tooo psyco for me! And yep, H told me that I owed this nut an apology. I said after she wins the emotional adultery case!!!! Dumb bunny!!<p>Then I posted here and was told not to give power to the OW (this was back a few months ago). This board was right. I then put OW on hold when she calls and record her 'lovely' messages (for the police). So far that works. <p>Hope the OW in your case is history......<p>Faith, how are you doing? <p>L.

THanks for asking, Orchid!<p>I'm fine. Talking to all of you really helped me think about this. I have put contacting OW on hold for a bit. I'm still planning on writing a letter. I'm still wondering why H hasn't brought the D talk since Nov. 21. Don't know if it's second thoughts or not. Surely the OW is getting tired of his fence-sitting as well. She may not even KNOW that he's fence-sitting. I'm wondering if a letter will cause some LB'ing on her part. hmmm.... I haven't taken the time to work on it yet. Stilll thinking and processing all the opinions here....<p>I have truly enjoyed the discussion that has taken place on this thread. I think these are some valuable thoughts and experiences.

It's like I keep saying "No OP would stay in an A with a MP if the MP was telling them, "I love mu spouse, I enjoy his/her company, we have great sex etc etc"...they tell then we are mean, evil, depressed, unfulfilled, selfish...hey wait a minute...I think they actually describe themselves.<p>My H's OW hated me..
Why? Because I was keeping him from leaving me I was mentally ill etc etc....<p>I wish I could have known & sat down with her & told her that he made love to me, told me he'd never cheat on me..wanted more children etc etc<p>Not the same story he gave her...I feel sorry that she believed his bull, but she was stupid!<p>I think if the A is still going on & you know the OP than a real heart to heart could really open the eyes of the OP.<p>A truly wicked person would stay in a relationship if a sane, fair, good person told them how much they loved their spouse & wanted to keep their family together.<p>Sound s to simple...too easy.<p>I did contact 1 of the many OP.<p>She denied it & said my H was crazy. But then asked "Even though nothing happened, how did he say I was?" What a s*ut!! And she's a Married 40 year old professional. YUCK!!