Well after me living away from home and trying my best with Plan A. I told my wife last night that I wanted to talk some. She hasn't really given me anything on why she wants a divorce. She did get involved with a co-worker but other then that she wasn't giving me anything to go on. She left me in the dark. I believe she has shown me no respect and has not been fair for who I have been in her life for the last 8.5 years.
Well last night after several hours of talking she opened up a little bit for some time. What she said was something I truly did not want to hear but at the same time I did need to hear it. Basically what I have found out is over out 8.5 years together this is her third time of doing what she did. I found out when she was in college something happened and once when we first started dating. We have been together since she has been 18.
Here is where this is hard to deal with. There is a huge part of my wife that she is saying she doesn't deserve me. That what she has done that is not being truly in the relationship. So now she is feeling of course that she doesn't love me and she isn't in the relationship. But what she has done is analyzed the relationship so much that she has pulled all the aspects out of it that makes her believe she was never in the relationship. My wife has never been to sexually active with me for years. She says this is a sign she wasn't in the relationship. The problem is that I think my wife is just not a sexual person. Sad to say she never even takes care of her self so that makes me think she just isn't a sexually active person like some other people. So now my wife has this guilt of hurting me as well as doing this three times of having some sort of an affair. So she is saying she can't promise she would never do that again. She says that she was never there all the way in the relationship. I am not an expert but I think my wife needs some help. I think my wife needs professional help. Either for depression or something else. She needs to work on some of the issues with herself. She has been going to counseling for six weeks now. But what she told me last night, I am the only one she has ever told that to on what she has said. She hasn't opened up to the counselor. She hasn't opened up to anyone. I need some help on this. I don't know what to do. I told her she has to work on making herself a better person before I want to deal with her in the relationship. She has some deep issues with herself. She says she is lacking some qualities that should be there for the relationship. Is this fair to say that I want her to work on making herself a better person before we deal with the relationship? She won't give me nor her family the respect of going and seeing a professional and opening up about her life. I think bottom line is she is confused, depressed, and doesn't know what to do. She doesn't want to listen to anyone on this. Not me, her family or the counselor. She wants to figure all this out on her own. I said if you haven't figured a lot of this out in 8.5 years how are you ever going to figure it out. She is running from her own problems instead of trying to work on them. Need some advice on all of this..How do I get her to go to a doctor to make sure she isn't depressed? Help....

I'm going through a similar situation with my H. <p>He's said a lot of things that just don't make sense to me (fog talk). He felt "pressured" into getting married (even though we talked about it very openly for months), felt trapped, ect...He has been saying since Dday that he is emotionally numb. That he can't feel anything and doesn't want to deal with any of it. He knows he needs to get into counselling, but always makes excuses for not going. He can pin-point quite a few issues he would like to work on, but makes no effort to do so. <p>During this process, he has managed to completely alienate himself from everyone in his life who loves him. His friends are losing their patience with him, his family are so angry they can barely bring themselves to talk to him. He knows this is happening, but says things like "well, I never call anyone, anyway". More excuses to not face up to what he KNOWS he has to face up to. He knows that if he talks to anyone (be it a counsellor, friend, or family member) they will all tell him the same thing. Easier for him not to have to face it. So he doesn't. <p>Bottom line, you can't force your W into doing anything. I realised a few months ago that the more I asked my H if he was going to call a counsellor, the longer it would take him to do it. I truly believe that if he just got his butt in there, talked honestly about his feelings/fears/insecurities etc then he would see his A for what it is. An excuse to not "deal". <p>But I know I can't force it. I know I'm powerless to help unless he wants to help himself. And he will do that in his own time and when he is ready. The only thing we can do is be patient. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it's painful to watch the person you love go through emotional hell and treat you like cr*p, to boot. But it isn't down to us. <p>Be there for your W when she wants to talk. I'm SO incredibly sorry you had to hear what you heard, but you were there for her and she will remember that. It's okay to want her to better herself, but only she knows when/how that will happen. <p>lots of love and hugs
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Hi Cg,<p>Your W sounds like my H in her way of thinking. Yes, they need help. But you can take a horse to water but you can't make them drink. If she were your child you could make him get help as long as he was in your home. After that it becomes harder. <p>My H is the same way. Defiant to the hilt. I finally said ok, you know you need help, you want to fight it then I can't help you. You go out there in the world find what you can and have a nice life. BEfore you go, here is what you need to do. Then I gave him his requirements since he does have a family and obligations. Then I said once you leave us, then leave us. Don't come back.<p>Gave a wake up call. Now he wants to go to counseling but not after putting all of us through a harrowing experience. <p>IMHO, you have to let her decide. She wants to say these things, tell her is it ok for you to act that way? If she says yes, then you have your answer. If she says no, then she needs to show you what is acceptable to her if the tables were turned then you can show her that is what she needs to do. Kind of the long way around but in the fog, they are usually all turned around. <p>The A will keep them in this groggy, foggy state of mind. They can't think clearly and will continue to be confused. <p>For me, I got tired of playing his fog game and said I want out. I am currently waiting for the talk should be this weekend. H is on his way home from his last job. (I hope)......<p>Hang in there. It is hard to watch. I understand. <p>L.

Confused Guy,<p>Check out my signature, and you can see that you certainly aren't alone, even in this kind of complex mess. My WW had a PA that started with a fellow-student before we were married, and continued for a time even after we were married. The day we were married, I looked into her eyes and she seemed so in-love, so sincere, so THERE. She always made me believe that. I still do.<p>But she also has some huge self-esteem issues, and feels that she doesn't "deserve" our M, I think. She admits that she's very "messed up". I think she believes she can go with OM and have a "clean start" - told him her complete history, etc. - so that'll make it all better, right? She can read HNHN and FILSIL and now have a perfect relationship with him instead of me, right? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anyhow, I know it's hard, but time will show you what's the right path. Realize that she is messed up emotionally - and try to be patient with her because of that fact. My WW appears to have some hope - she can actually admit that she is in a "fog-like state" - and our C is good at trying to focus her on reality. But know that you ARE the one in charge here - your decisions will drive this thing in the end.

Well the orignal agreement that my wife and myself had was that I live somewhere for four weeks and then she would live somewhere for four weeks. Well I have been away from the house for four weeks. I have been trying for the past six weeks with a strong A plan. My wife comes to me on Sunday when she saw me at the health club and says I want to sell the house and want a divorce. I think she is moving all too quicky in this. After thinking for awhile I decided that I should move back home since my four weeks is up. She has always been the one that wanted to go off and be out of the house. I feel like crap for doing it but I think it should be done. She doesn't really have too many places to go. I feel for her, love her and care for her. I feel like such a butt because when she came home and she saw me there she packed some clothes and left.
My wife needs help for herself. More help then I can give her, her friends or family or the counselor. My wife admited to me that her love for me as left because she is unhappy, confused and a part of her wants to be a wild child. The getting involved with the other man I believe had a big impact on how she feels about me. She doesn't want to admit that yet but maybe one day she will realize it. I did find out that something similiar has happened two other times over the course of our relationship. The last one being the most involved with someone else.
My wife is very confused and has run from all those who love her. She is hiding behind her friends now. What do I do? She knows how I feel about her but she says the love isn't there for me from her. I feel the love isn't there because she had the A as well as she is unhappy and confused. How do I help her? She refuses to take any advice or help from anybody that loves her. She says she wants to figure this out on her own. She hasn't figured anything out on her own in the past six weeks. She has learned how to avoid dealing with her own problems by smoking, drinking and going out. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I love her too much to just let her go. She needs help more then me but she won't take any help from anyone. I think she needs to see a professional in the field that can help her understand a little more about what she is feeling. I think she is depressed in a big way but doesn't want to admit it. Help...

Confused, I know what you&#8217;re talking about man. I&#8217;d love to get my W into counseling but she went many years ago and she&#8217;s certain that there&#8217;s nothing wrong with her&#8230; I, on the other hand, am a complete basket case with deep-seated emotional problems relating to my mother. At least that&#8217;s what W &#8220;believes&#8221;. Sounds like a bit of transference to me&#8230;<p>What you describe seems to be almost standard procedure around here. It amazes how very similar the stories are once you really start looking at the dynamics and psychology of an A. <p>Your relationship gets worse and worse, finally to the point that it&#8217;s deemed irreparable. Funny how this is usually has an inverse relationship with the intensity of the A&#8230; <p>Before you know it, they love you but aren&#8217;t &#8220;in love&#8221; with you, they have no emotional attachment, and they&#8217;ve found their real soul-mate&#8230; yada, yada yada&#8230;<p>Your complete history is rewritten and all of a sudden your entire marriage is one huge steaming pile of manure. Told my W that if it was really like that she was a bloody fool for marrying me.<p>And then the fence sitting begins&#8230; Been there for a few months now myself. It&#8217;s so very painful to watch and not be able to do anything about it. W&#8217;s OM lives out of state, I don&#8217;t think they&#8217;re talking every day right now. I can tell the days he calls, she is a mess when I get home. I can&#8217;t help wondering how this dirt bag can say he loves her so much yet pressure her and cause all this pain. <p>All you can do is be there man. Watch it all happen and be there for her as much as you can. I&#8217;ve learned that any kind of pressure only makes her situation more unbearable so I watch. We talk of nothing she doesn&#8217;t want to talk of. I take care of everything I can and let her know that I&#8217;m here. And I watch&#8230;<p>The toughest thing I&#8217;ve had to accept is that there is nothing else I can do. She&#8217;ll do what she will. I can&#8217;t do this for her; I can&#8217;t make her see what she doesn&#8217;t want to. I can&#8217;t even get her to get help. My counselor actually called her and asked her to come in. If nothing else, I am learning self control and patience! I wish you all the best man!

Do I believe her when she says she has no contact with the guy she got involved with? She still works with him so she might see him. The good thing is he is suppose to be leaving this month. During this whole nightmare my wife has said some stuff that has hurt be deeply. I am not sure if she meant it or she was just in the fog. She tells me she is not attracted to me. That the sex we had wasn't good. That she faked it a lot. She told me she is attracted to taller men. Do you think she got a lot of this from the person she was seeing? She swears they didn't do anything more then just kiss. Of course I can't believe her on anything these days.
I am not a professional but I believe my wife has a lot of mental problems she has to deal with herself. She is confused, unhappy, etc.. When she goes out and there is alcohol. She drinks to the point where I am carrying her home. I want her to go see a doctor but she just refuses. Also if she went I don't think she would be open and honest with the doctor. Her friends are her friends but I don't think they are the best marriage supporting material in the world. How do I keep supporting her if she keeps running from me? She doesn't want to see me or live with me. I need some strength that I seem to be running low on....