<p>[ December 20, 2001: Message edited by: Getting very tired ]</p>

GVT,
There really isn't a good time to end a relationship. If it isn't Christmas, it is too cold, Valentines, Easter, summer, too hot, a birthday, a trip planned, a job interview, a job going badly, a sick parent, an illness, depression....<p>Don't expect her to arrive after Christmas. Excuses abound. If she can't think clearly enough to realize her place is with her husband, her children, her family at Christmas, she's still completely in the A.<p>A possible suggestion--If your family isn't local, take the kids and go, or some other kind of trip? It's her choice if she comes with or stays. It may clarify for her that she is making a choice that does not include her family.

GVT,
Be patience. For now, plan your christmast vacation and open an invitation, it is her choice to come or not. (see Lor advice). I did excatly that I book a cabin for a week for my family to ski, WW is welcome but I know she has plan ... I do not want my D to suffer and give me time to think about plan B.

<p>[ December 20, 2001: Message edited by: Getting very tired ]</p>

In your post I see: ----------------------------------------------
I work Christmas morning. <p>I have no vacation time left.<p>I get to go see my psycologist tomorrow anyway.
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Are you on Anti'D's? you may want to talk to your psycologist about FLMA - it is a federal law medical leave act where your job is required by law to give you family medical leave for 12 weeks and guarantee you your job back. Usually not all 12 weeks are with pay - it is usually only 3 weeks with pay but the pay varies from company to company (check with your HR dept). You can ask your Psycologist about it and ask for just a week off if necessary. So you can get what you need to help you and your kids get through this difficult time. <p>She sounds like she is very much in the fog. There is a good book called Love must be Tough by James Dobson. I recommend it, it is a lot like Plan B. Only you know if you are ready for Plan B. <p>Give me a minute to do a search for a list on how to emotionally divorce which is a benefit whether you stay in the relationship or not. <p>I am sorry you are here.

GVT, It really sounds to me like she's terminally confused. If OM was all that I'm sure she told you he was, why reinitiate contact with you? <p>I agree with Lor, there's always an excuse if you want to find one. I suppose the choices really are continue on with your life letting her know that the door is open or go to plan B.<p>There was a very good thread here on the ramifications a couple of weeks ago. Sorry I can't remember who started it. Only you can say when enough is enough... I'm thinking that contact is a positive sign and the E-mail sounded promising, I'd be for holding on for a bit longer. Sorry I can't be more help. I do wish you all the best!

I call this the emotional divorce. I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com. I hope this helps. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
I am sorry you are here. I know you are hurting.

<p>[ December 20, 2001: Message edited by: Getting very tired ]</p>