Hi guys,
I'm really pretty dang devastated. For the past 8 weeks, my H and I have been living together, but planning on separating, because he did not want to try to recover our M at this time. All this time, he's assured me that he was NOT in contact with OW again, he just needed for us to be apart, to have time "on our own" to see if our M was worth repairing.<p>I've suspected from his attitude that this wasn't just because of a fight we'd had; that he WAS back with OW or with someone new. Well, this a.m. I confirmed it. I had to drive today (I normally take the bus) because I have my IC appointment later today. So, I thought I'd just drive by OW's house (my H works 3 miles from her home). All the way there I kept saying to myself "no, he's not there, he's been telling me the truth this time." Yet, when I drove by, he was there.<p>I am devastated. I thought he'd finally gotten a conscience. He's been lying to me since March after all. I figured that since I had agreed to the separation, he had no reason to lie anymore. I was wrong. <p>Our original plan was for us to stay in the house together until February 1 (I have an apartment lease for that day). We are selling the house, if it's not sold, he was going to live here until it sells. It was all nice and friendly.<p>I feel SOOOO used right now, I just can't tell you. I've been praying and praying that we would work things out. I've been trying so hard to work on my issues (his reasons he says he had the A). He's continued to tell me that he wished the relationship had never happened, yet it continues.<p>He actually wants to STAY here through Christmas. What do I do here folks? I'm afraid to even look at him when he gets home from work. My H says they are just "talking" a couple times a week. Like I'm supposed to believe that NOW???<p>We have 3 teenagers. They do NOT know about this continued contact. I am not going to tell them, but one of my friends suggested that we sit them down together, tell them that it's just not working for their dad and I to stay in the same house until the separation, but that we want to do what THEY want for Christmas (i.e., let my H stay until after Christmas).<p>What's the right thing to do here? Any advice??<p>MOM [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

MoM....<p>So sorry to hear your story....<p>My advice is to take a deep breath...don't do anything rash. <p>Make sure you can continue with your IC...talk to C about what has happened. That's important. <p>I also think you need to talk to your H about what you know and what he has lied about...<p>For your own benefit, focus on you and not on themarrieag for now. I know that is hard but right now that's what is most important. <p>You may have to tough it out 'til Christmas but only if you think you can handle it...if not...for your own benefit, leave if you feel you must. Hopefully your kids wil understand. They probably already do. This is not your fault and your H should shouldewr the burden of helping the kids to understand. <p>The holidays sure suck, don't they?<p>I wish I had a magic answer beyond all that, but I don't...<p>All I can say is that I am very sorry...<p>Please take care <p>E

What do you want MOM?<p>My heart is sad for you...I am not sure about advice...I would say to make no decisions in haste or emotion...to really think out what you want and why you want it...then develop a plan...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I've been trying so hard to work on my issues (his reasons he says he had the A).<hr></blockquote><p>His reasons are a smoke screen...they validate his feelings and justify his affair...You must work on you for you...you cannot be changing FOR HIM...that is 'manipulation' to keep him home...changing those things that YOU know need to be changed and make YOU feel better and more peaceful...NOT LB'ing...that is going to change the situation...at least YOU will feel better...<p>Hugzzz...
Cali

Hi MOM,<p>I'm so sorry about H lying. Driving by OW's house and realizing he was there must have devistated you because you wanted so bad to believe in him.<p>So, he lied and is, and maybe has been, in contact with OW and has never stopped. I'd say you don't tell him you know, but I'm sure that's too hard to do. I know I wouldn't be able to. And if you confront him MOM, he'll probably deny or lie about why he was there (i.e., it was just this one time, we needed to talk ... blah, blah, blah)<p>If you can't Plan A anymore and you know you're going to LB you should probably go to Plan B. That's going to be so hard living in the same house for the next month and 1/2. But I can't think of anything else except make HIM LEAVE, and to be honest, I'd say that's what he should do since he's the one that no longer wants the marriage adn is continuing in his A. IMVHO, after everything else you've been thru, it would be emotional abuse to live with him while he blantantly sees OW day in and day out for the next 1.5 mos. <p>I'm really very sorry, MOM. I know the hell you're going thru, the unbelievable hurt you're feeling. I pray you can be strong and show him you have boundaries. It's what's you need to do at this point I believe. <p>Love,
Jo

OH, MOM, I had hoped that this wasn't the case. I feel terribly for you. I'll redouble my prayers for you.<p>Can you maybe not be home when he comes home this evening? Maybe go to a movie or two with a girlfriend? There are some good ones out there. Maybe stay out late and come home after he goes to bed, or spend the night with a girlfriend - don't even call.<p>Just something to think about.<p>Hugs,
Kev

MOM, what are you talking about? This is great news! All this time, your H has been making you feel like crap, "even though my A is over, I still don't want you", blah, blah. Crap.<p>We all knew his A was still on (you did too, I know you did). So now, you can look back with clarity and KNOW that all those posts you made, when he hurt you and upset you - IT WAS ALL THE FOG AND RELATED TO THE AFFAIR.<p>I, for one, am happy for you. You were SO devastated that your H didn't want you and didn't want to work on the marriage. Doesn't it feel good to finally know WHY?<p>Oh, don't get me wrong, it totally sucks that he got back with OW, and you absolutely, positively do NOT deserve that. All I'm saying is - it all makes sense now. It's not your marriage, or you, it's his affair (we all knew that, but it helps to know for sure, doesn't it).<p>I don't know. Maybe that is not coming out quite right, but I hope you see what I am getting at.<p>I went to plan B two days after I found out my H got back with OW (VERY similar situation) - I was used BIGTIME. I even agreed to seperate, JUST LIKE YOU!! So, I know how you feel. The lying, saying they are trying to work on the marriage and they aren't. OOOO!! I still get mad at my H when I think about that time.<p>If I were you, I could not stay living with that man. But, that is me. You probably should avoid talking with him tonight at all costs, since I don't think it's possible to avoid LBing. When he gets home - leave and go shopping.<p>Figure out what you want, what you can live with. If you can stay in plan A with him with OW, more power to you. I could not. <p>I would not suggest letting him stay through the holidays "just for the kids". They are old enough. If you don't want him there, kick him out. if you want to plan A, fine, that's okay too. Whatever YOU want.<p>I know I sound brutal and sort of off-par with MB concepts, but when the WS waffles back and forth and back and forth. I think it's time for some serious steps to protect the BS. For me, it was plan B.<p>I don't know what the answer is for you, sweetie. But I do know you need to take a few days to sort it out.<p>I am sorry your H is such a di*k.
HbH

Thanks everyone for the responses. I did confront him. I called him on his cell phone as I was driving by. See, he's been trying to "help" me let go emotionally, by continuing to tell me that when I get emotional, it makes him feel so guilty, because "he just doesn't feel that way about me..." So when I called him this a.m. I told him I'd finally found a way to let him go. When he asked what that was, I said "well, driving by your girlfriend's house and seeing your car there was a really good start."<p>I KNOW that Plan B is in order. My problem is he's asking to stay through Christmas. I don't know if I can look at him through Christmas. I will talk to the C at 5:00 today, but wondered what the rest of you thought, as far as: do I keep up the front for the kids until after Christmas? They are 15, 15 and 17, so it's not like they can't tell something's wrong.<p>They all know that we are separating and moving out on February 1. Up until this point, their dad has said that we aren't getting a divorce, because he wants us both to have a few months "on our own" to figure out if we want to try on the M.<p>Well, now I know that he didn't mean that he was going to be on HIS own, just me!<p>So any more advice?<p>MOM

Kevco,
Thanks for the prayers. I really appreciate them.<p>HBH,
Of course I totally understand what you're saying, and in a sick sense, yes I AM happy that it's the A and not all about me like he's said. It does give me consolation. Unfortunately, I don't feel like I will EVER, EVER trust him again. I had just asked him LAST FRIDAY point blank if he'd spoken to her since he'd sent her the "kiss-off" e-mail. He said "nope. It's over. For good." Knowing full well, he'd probably seen her that morning! I'm at a total loss as to how any person can do that.<p>I definitely want him OUT of the house. Tonight, we're sitting down with the kids and telling them that this arrangement isn't working. We're going to ask THEM what they want us to do as far as Christmas. I CAN suck it up for the kids. I WON'T be doing it for him anymore, however!<p>Thanks everyone.

MOM,<p>I personally don't think you can take him living with you and the kids for the next 1.5 mos or even thru Christmas with him blantantly cheating. <p>And you're making it so convenient for him by allowing him to stay thru Christmas, I'm not saying punish him for lying, but I think it's unhealthy for you to agree for him to hang around and live with you and the kids while continuing to see OW.<p>[ December 10, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Dup ... sorry.<p>[ December 10, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

I think resiliant is right.<p>THe kids know -- its probably more stressful trying to pretend everything is fine. Give yourself a day or two to craft a good plan B letter.<p>Take care of yourself MOM.

Mom,<p>I am going the different route do what is best for your kids.<p>they may feel relieved if you go and seperate now. My OS told STBX when we still together he wished me divorce as it was so stressed around us, of course STBX used that as a green light out the door.<p>my OS has/have lots of problems that are directly related to the breakup of his parents marriage, so be very careful what your kids are told, there is just too many pitfalls for teenagers when they are unhappy or trying to escape problems at home.<p>I know it is hard to do but I have been where you are and right now your kids should come 1st. like i have all ready said, it doesn't matter how good your kids are now, this will and can throw them for a loop.

MoM,<p>I am so sorry. I know I would be devastated if this worst fear was confirmed. My heart is breaking for you.<p>All I can say is I don't see how you could continue to live with him for another moment. I know it is hard, esp this time of year, but you really need to think hard about having him leave, now.<p>Cali is right, what do you want? Take a little time and think long and hard about it, then act on your decision.<p>We are all here for you and praying for you.<p>Take care,
Needing

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{MoM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<p>Oh, I was so hoping that your instincts were just playing tricks on you! But, your H just had to be an a** (sorry to vent about your H).<p>Well, it certainly does explain his completely illogical behavior and his disregard of your feelings.<p>Btw, what was his reaction when you called him on his cell phone?<p>Much as this is hard to say, the MB principles still leave you with the same choices - plan A or plan B. Plan A in its truest form (the one Harley talks about) relates to the BS' actions while the A is still ongoing; Plan B relates to physical separation and no contact, instigated by the BS, until such time as the WS has ended the A for good and is willing to work on rebuilding. They are still the available options, much as plan A seems about the last thing on earth that a BS would want to do, all the more so after discovering a resumption of the A after it supposedly ended.<p>I hate this situation for you, Mom!<p>I agree with the others about talking to your C. Make sure to talk to yourself, though, and listen to what your feelings are telling you. Right now, they are probably telling you that you want to wring his nectk (at least that is what mine would be telling me), but listen for other messages - what do you want, what can you survive, and what situation will balance your needs with the needs of your children.<p>Please don't forget that your children want their mother and that is more imporatnt that having their father at home for Christmas. If having H around is going to make you crawl in your skin, then what good is that for your kids?<p>I don't pretend to have the answers. After all, I was the crazy woman doing an extreme plan A at this time last year, while H had offically ended the A, but really who knew whether it was still on. Actually, he was out for a coffee with her out of town about this time last year. Oh, I just don't even want to think about it.<p>All I am trying to say, Mom, is that you have to be true to yourself and your needs and wants in addition to what your children want.<p>Also, have you discussed doing some joint counselling with your C - not so much MC as separation counselling. Our MC told us that even when a couple looks unlikely to reconcile, C often helps to keep the separation less hostile. Just a thought...<p>Truckfuls of hugs,

Thank you so much everyone. Really, right now, I'm just worried about making it through the day. I cannot continue Plan A. I cannot handle even seeing him tonight, and I don't know how I'm going to do that. He actually called me about an hour ago "just to say hi." I can't help but think that he's a very ILL man. How can he call just to chit chat when he knows what I'm going through? I have been so worried about hurting HIM through all of this. That's why I continued to "give in" give him one more chance, etc. I keep hoping he'll look at me one day and go "WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING TO HER!!!" The fact is, until he gets the help he needs (which I can't make him want to do), until he sees that OW is NOT the SOULMATE he thinks she is (if he ever sees that), and until he starts taking some sort of responsibility for his part in all of this, I have to STOP worrying about hurting him. All I've ended up doing is prolonging MY hurt. My kids all think I'm a weak idiot for putting up with their dad all this time.<p>OneDay,
He actually told me when I called him and busted him that "this (my checking up on him) was one of the things he couldn't STAND about me!" Nothing like making it ALL about me.<p>He is trying to tell me that they aren't "in" a "relationship". He's telling me she's just "helping him through" this rough time, and that he's made no real "plans" for a future with her.<p>AAAGGGHHH!!!<p>Thank GOD I have all of you and the counselor and my LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST to help me through this.<p>I do feel badly for my alien H who's not living on this planet, thinking that he and I can still be "buds" even with this fresh new hurt. That's why he called me this afternoon. I'm sure it was just to "check out" the situation, to see if I'd give in and be his "bud."<p>I'm at a total loss for words here. I just don't get it. I know I'm not the only one who's gone through this, but I'm just at a loss. Why doesn't he just go and LIVE with OW? I told him when I was talking to him to just ask if he could stay with her. He won't do that......<p>MOM

Dear Mom, <p>Well where he goes and what he does once he leaves will be less stressful for you. This false pretense of his was not healthy for anyone. You finally uncovered what he did not have the balls to tell you. <p>My gut is that you have blown their bubble and the A is going to go downhill from here. Just my gut feeling though...... I would ask him to leave now and explain it to the children. <p>See for me I could not heal until I had the OW out of my life. I did for a while and when she called back and was discovered, back to square 1 all over again. Enough times of that and I have had it. I am taking the tougher stance on this but I figure your kids want to see their mom happy. They may be losing respect for their dad, I know my 6 year old did. <p>You need to digest all of this and do what is best for MOM and the kids. <p>Hugz,
L.

MOM,
My H had multiple resumption of the A with continuous denials.<p>And HBH is right, now you know, and though it is AWFUL! you probably don't feel so confused. You know why he wants to move out.<p>In 1998 & 1999 my H came home for the holidays, starting in Nov. He said it wasn't that, that he was home for good...but one year he left 12/30, the other 1/8.<p>There was a lot of tension, but we did things as a family and it was ok. My memories of those times don't hurt. Except I'm a bit fritzy about the holidays, but he'd been home 7 months last year & stayed and this year is better.<p>Of course I'm also the nut that went to Disney world on a family vacation between our 5th & 6th separations when he told me he would move out when he got home. We had such a good time, he didn't move out for 10 days once home.<p>Anyway, if the kids want him home, you think you can stand it, he says he'll be where he says he'll be and the 2 of you don't spend the time LBing, it might not be a bad thing. <p>Plan B also may not be a bad thing. There's nothing like an added D day to strengthen the BS's resolve of not seeing the WS. Your emotions are probably ready to set some no contact boundaries with your H. Your lovebank just took a major drain--lying & betrayal & contact will do that.<p>It's your call, either response is totally understandable.

MoM:<p>This actually made me LOL -
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Myownme:
<strong>He actually told me when I called him and busted him that "this (my checking up on him) was one of the things he couldn't STAND about me!" </strong><hr></blockquote><p>There's no defence like a last-ditch offence, right?<p>This one has got to be one of the all-time classics. When caught red-handed, cry 'foul' due to the Bs' snooping. Anyone who uses this (and the number is really high, if this site is any indication) must really not understand how incredibly stupid he/she sounds at that moment. It gets my vote for one of the all-tme stupidest responses to being caught.<p>Sorry for the aside, but how dense can one be??!!?? Sheesh!<p>Hugs

Thanks again all. You make me feel a little less crazy. The problem I'm really having is that I want to SHOUT FROM THE ROOFTOPS that his A is back on and THAT's why he's leaving. Unfortunately, my kinder side says "don't tell the kids, it will only hurt the relationship they may have with their dad." But then, I don't want them to think I'm making him leave for nothing? Does this make sense? One of my friends when she was telling me that they do NOT have to know why he's leaving, said "Kari, he's not the one trying to get into heaven, you are!" That made such good sense, but God knows I'm human, right? Why should he get to "get away" with the lies again?<p>OH MAN, I need about 3 hours with my C tonight. I think all he's going to say is "Kari, you've known he's a liar, why does this surprise you?" I think he may also be mad at me for not being able to "disengage" from my H. That was my assignment last time. Unfortunately, I have not been able to do that up until now. Who knows if I'll EVER be able to. I feel like there's a giant SUCKER written across my forehead.<p>Thanks again. I'll try to report back to you all after the counseling and when we talk to the kids.<p>MOM

Hi - I can so relate to your dilemma! I was in a similar spot last March- H had confessed A to me then would say he broke it off but kept going back to OW and lying to me about repeated contact. I asked him to move out which he did for a month to 'think things thru' of course - his idea of THINKING meant staying at OW"s condo that she had listed for sale. When it sold he suddenly wanted to 'reconcile' and moved back home. Of course this meant his sleeping on the couch and lying to me about calling her still. I asked him to move out again then but he refused to do so and also refused to go to counseling. This amounted to emotional torture for me - he was in a 'soulmate type' affair with a single coworker and he would say mean cold things to me and claim our marriage was 'hopeless.'She constantly encouraged to him to divorce me and marry her and it wouldnt affect the kids, I would just dump him later on anyway etc etc etc!!!! I finally checked with a lawyer from my church and found out I could file legal papers to get him off the couch and MAKE him move out within a few wks. No more laying around at leisure. When he found this out he was VERY TICKED off! Sure he claimed he wanted a divorce and had been looking at apts during his lunch hrs with OW, but when the rubber hit the road he realized that I HAD RIGHTS too! He finally decided it wasnt worth spending our whole life savings on lawyer fees and selling our big new home all to live in 2 apts. I suggest you apply some legal pressure to get him to snap back into realityville! lifeismessy - married 15 yrs 3 kids- 14, 10, 4 and in recovery