Hi<p>I've not posted in quite some time. I've been lurking, grieving, healing, and waiting. One of these days I'll have to take on a new screen name - my patience is better than I thought.<p>We've been separated for several months, my WS has said she doesn't want a divorce right now and has also said that for now she doesn't want to actively work on our marriage. I'm pretty certain that the A is over - as sure as anyone can really be under the circumstances. She has said that she just wants to "regain her footing". I assume that she's also trying to decide whether I'm going to change and if it'll be enough.<p>We talk about the kids and stuff fairly frequently, and lately our conversations are actually pretty friendly. We even make each other laugh on occasion. What we don't do is talk about our relationship or where it's going.<p>The reason for the post at this point is because I don't see a lot of people in my particular position although I'm sure they must be out there. I'd like to hear how people handle limbo, and what got them out of their deadlock. I've been living this way long enough now that it's starting to feel like the normal state of things. I guess I'm starting to "let go", but I'd really rather be proactively trying to rebuild instead of just working on me and playing the waiting game.<p>Advice or opinions anyone?<p>NP

Welcome to my world...

I am known for my book recommendations...one I would recommend for you is Susan Page's "How the One of You Can Keep the Two of You Together."<p>Then for you own healing and growing, I recommend don Miguel Ruiz's, "The Four Agreements" and "The Mastery of Love."<p>I have read a TON of books which have helped me grown through this process...but I still have a lot of angst and indecision...just like I read in your post.<p>Good Luck...keep posting...it has helped keep me sane.<p>Cali

no_patience,
your no as in no_patience start showing up again. LOL !!!. I am in the same state of limbo but w/ A still going. We play "pretend" game. It is hard and all we could do is vent here and second guessing our plan A.

NP, I&#8217;ve not been posting much either&#8230; same reasons. I think the only difference in our situations is that we&#8217;re not separated right now. We were for a month and I got a &#8220;do what you need to do&#8221; invitation to come home. So I moved home and here we are 3 months later. I can&#8217;t offer any advice since I&#8217;m in limbo as well only support.<p>No expectations and no promises is where we are. No commitment to work on our M, no commitment to not contact OM. She says she&#8217;s not thinking of a D and not making any moves towards that. <p>In some respects, things are very good, nearly normal and I have to remind myself that this can all go away tomorrow. We&#8217;re friendlier than we&#8217;ve been in ages. We touch, we laugh, she will tell me she loves me, we make love as passionately as ever&#8230; but there&#8217;s still an undercurrent that&#8217;s there. It drives me insane!<p>We can&#8217;t talk about anything regarding &#8220;us&#8221; or she immediately goes into full defensive mode (a site to behold). It gets very ugly! All I&#8217;ve found that helps is the realization that every day she is here is a day I have to improve things. Every day is one less day OM can really influence the situation (OM lives out of state). Time and patience, time is on my side not OM and I needed to learn patience anyway. <p> My C told me that confusion is generally a good sign; it means that there&#8217;s a fight going on somewhere in there. I see her confusion and it hurts that I can do nothing. I just wait and watch and be there when she lets me. Do things for you! Get involved in something! Make sure you give yourself time to recharge away from the situation or you&#8217;ll surely end up LBing. It also displays an unwillingness to curl up and die. I wish you the best!<p>Take care,
Paul

Think I may change my screen name to Limbo! I'm in this world, as well. In fact it feels like I'm on a permanent vacation here!<p>What can I recommend to you? I don't know, but your situation with your W sounds a lot like my situation with my H. All our talk is friendly, no discussions about our M or moving on and up. Nothing. H has said he doesn't want a D, either. But his A is still going strong, he's still in the fog, he's still playing the blame game with me, still lying to me, still generally being taken over by aliens and has become someone that none of his family or friends can recognise. <p>So how do I handle it? I leave the house. Simple as that. I find it hard to sit here on my own (he's moved out) so I go to coffee shops and read and write in my journal. I make lots of lunch dates with people. I started going to Yoga. I do counselling once a week. I'm learning how to drive in this country (UK), I go shopping (retail therapy rules! And with all the weight I'm losing, I'm finding that new clothes are a requirement at least once every two weeks!). If I'm not spending money, then I'm window-shopping. I write thank you cards to the people who have been there for me through all this. I take my Palm Pilot to cafes and type my emails there, so I don't have to sit at the computer at home. I go to museums or art galleries. I hang out in book stores.<p>On the weekends, I make plans. Lots of them. I go out to pubs and go dancing. I go out to dinner with friends, I invite people over for DVD nights and popcorn. I'm in the process of planning a dinner party for friends at my house. <p>Someone suggested to me that I write a list of all the things I enjoy doing. And I love this idea, but I just haven't done it yet. But I will. Put them all on 3 x 5 cards and then when I get bored or start obsessing, I'm to pick one and do it. I will even include some things I've always wanted to do, but never have. <p>So I don't really have any advice on how to get out of Limbo (feels like I've purchased a one-way ticket) except be patient, like you are. Hopefully, by keeping up Plan A, we can all feel better about ourselves and hopefully our WS's will see and feel that, too. <p>lots of hugs,
VE

Get the idea that your not alone. <p>Yeah, I am in limbo too. H may be moving out next month, may not be. Loves me, cares for me, has feelings of tenderness for me, but is'nt "IN LOVE" with me. blah blah blah...<p>It's hard when you know what you want and they don't. How do I handle it? I probably spend way to much time on this site. Try and do fun stuff w/son. (With H too when he'll let me) I agree w/venus, retail therapy is the best! You just gotta find stuff you enjoy and do it whether or not spouse joins you.<p>Sorry I'm not much help, but at least you know you are not alone, by a long shot, in limbo land.<p>Needing

P.S. I guess i prefer limbo over I want a divorce, for now anyway.<p>Needing

Wow.<p>I've thrown out many a cry for help in these forums, but I've never gotten such rapid response. Guess all I had to do was mention limbo.<p>Clearly everyone's story is a little different. In those cases where the A is ongoing I can understand why there might be lots of indecision and fence-sitting. In the case where the spouse is still at home and things are going nicely in spite of no relationship talk - I guess I'd count my blessings. Given the dark side of the continuum of hellish stories I've read here, I'm already counting mine.<p>It just seems odd to me to have a WS whose A is over, has decided to live separately, doesn't want a divorce, but doesn't want to work on the marriage. I don't mean that we just don't talk about it, I mean we don't act like we're married anymore (no affection, no long conversations, no real fun activities together and no SF). We see each other maybe once every week or so, and then only very briefly even though we live only a couple of miles apart. It's confusing.<p>I very much appreciate all the words of encouragement.<p>Cali - I have read Susan Page's book. I have a pretty extensive relationship library at this point. At least it keeps me busy. I'm still looking for that one book that makes me say "Aha! now I know what to do". I thought you were known for changing screen names as well as for book recommendations [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>redhat - My patience is going strong, I'm just a little bewildered.<p>sofar2go - I hope I get to your point one of these days. I think if we were at least under the same roof we'd have a better shot.<p>venusenvy - We sound much alike in our taste for distractions. The retail therapy route is great, but too expensive to be a long term solution. I have found myself indulging in lots of things I enjoy doing (tennis, going out with friends, doing fun things with my kids, sprucing up my house, DVDs, etc).<p>needing - I, too, prefer limbo to I want a divorce. Eventually I think I'll reach a point where I feel like I'm ready to move on to another relationship (maybe not for a long time). At that point I may change my mind about my preferring limbo.<p>I actually did find someone through this forum whose situation mirrors mine very closely. We've been exchanging email for several months - probably another reason I haven't posted. I've been getting lots of support and advice on the side.<p>Thanks again.<p>NP

NP,<p>I too prefer limboland to divorce land. There is alot to be said about the WS making a decision, getting on with our lives, and not thinking about our situations constantly. There is a certain relief in that thought. However, I have to think that there would be questions later, did we give it all we had, did we give up too soon, etc. I'll take limboland for now, I'm still learning, and I still see the confusion in my WS's eyes as well. She is certainly not at peace with her decisions yet in regards to ending it or not ending it.<p>Also, does anyone have any thoughts about moving from Plan A to Plan B when the WS has apparently ended contact with OP? Plan B does not seem to apply in that scenario, especially when the WS seems to have reached limbo themselves regarding ending it or not.

IMO, if you are as certain as possible that contact has ended, your WS is in limboland, this is the prime time for Plan A. Don't forget about withdrawel, this will contribute to limbo.<p>Please don't forget that Plan A is about you, not actually winning your spouse back. But to be a better person for yourself. This is a hard lesson for me to learn.