Hello everyone, I am back, I have been mostly lurking around lately, haven't felt strong enough to type anything in or try to make sense of the pandemonium of sadness, fear and anger going through my brain.<p>I need help, and as quickly as you can possibly hand it, I don't want to make a huge mistake that I might regret for the rest of my life.<p>My background info in a nutshell:
-Together for 3 years, married 2.
-First D-Day November 1999.
-Second D-Day Sept 2001 someone on september... I have even forgotten the date.
-Thirs D-Day (about more details and other hidden things about his past), 2 weeks after first D-day.<p>I have been trying hard to accept his A plan. He has been working really hard to meet all the EN's he has been neglecting forever (by the way I am the BS), he has even changed jobs trying to provide better, bought me an expensive new computer, tries to spoil me, pays me attention etc. (Yes I know I am lucky).<p>All of this is not setting any effect on my heart. I never gave a damn about money, I am rather anti-materialistic, I care more of details and special words or moments, but he is not capable of generating any of those. He also can't surprise me at all, he has a big mouth and even when I don't try to find out he is such a bad liar when it comes to good things it never works out good enough for me to say "Oh wow, I didn't expect that", well as a matter of fact he did surprise me once, for about 3 minutes, heh... and then the D-Day boy was that a big one too!<p>Oh well... the point is... I can't get myself to love him again, I try and sometimes it seems to work, I can feel the love trying to spark again, but then he'll say something stupid, or stress about stupidities and ruin it all and don't stop untill he burns the entire thing down and has jumped over the ashes... to give a small example, it is as if he tries to fix the flavour of the soup by adding salt, but then he adds too much, and so then he tries to fix that by adding a whole lot more untill there is more salt than soup on the pot.<p>I try to help him, I try to guide him step by step but it frustrates me to no end, since I have been doing so for the last 3 years, nearly writting a book about "How to please me", and he still seems to not get a word of it, and if he does, he then goes happy crazy and crushes it.<p>I feel like our parts are reversed, he being the WS and plan Aing and me being the BS and withdrawn.<p>I miss my husband, I really do, I keep crying for him and feeling awfull because I feel he is dead. Yes he was a [censored] and a cheater liar, but I miss having a sense of knowing the man I married. I now feel I have no idea who this individual is, if he is a liar as he used to and just too guilty to show his true colors, or if he is for real.<p>I am scared of getting hurt again, and to top it all off I am pregnant. This is my first ever baby, I was pregnant before, but due to financial problems and because my H had this weird state of mind in which he loved me, but not enough, he deserted me and feeling that I had no way out I decided not to continue the pregnancy, and only I know how sad and angry I feel about it.<p>This time of the year is awfully though, I miss not only my family and friends, but also my unborn baby. I try to cheer up and think on how glad I am I have a H that tries to at least colaborate with the M, and that I am going to have this baby, no matter what anybody says or how ugly things get and that i am gonna be so happy, but it just doesn't work at all.<p>I have nightmares each night, I can barely get some rest, and that doesn't help with the fact that I am tired all the time and that i should get some extra sleep for the baby.<p>School is doing ok, and I keep trying to bury myself into it, because I HATE comming home every day, because he shared this apt with OW and he cheated on me here. I hate this place and it puts so much stress on me that I start having headaches the time I cross the door, when everywhere else I am fine and feel good.<p>I need help because I just told my husband he should start thinking of a divorce, because I can't take this anymore, i can't take being through all of this again, D-Day after D-Day. I can't think of being married to him (I don't even let him call me wife and I refuse with all my strength to wear my wedding ring), I don't know if I want him on my future.<p>I love him, but he hurts me so much, I love his eyes, his touch, his voice, but lately he has been driving me insane... I think it is more or less like Kevco's Energizer Bunny on crack, but backwards.<p>I need help. I am so depressed I just can't stop crying but when he is around I act cold and distant, not wanting him to see my weakness.<p>I am so confused I need help before I do something stupid, please help!!!!

Hi Kid. In reading your post i see a whole lot of love for your H. I got the same for my W. And I'm the BS. I'd say 1 thing you've GOT to do is move from that apt. It's a trigger you don't need. Get out of there! Without all the emotional baggage of the apt. you might be able to open up to your H a little. As it is with living in a constant reminder you'll never be able to forgive and forget and move on. And if he has all this money get new furniture too. And tell your H to stop trying so hard. Arrange a signal to tell him to stop trying so hard. Like, "You're trying to hard". (Some of us menfolk needs it splained to us simple.) And check with your Doc about anti-depressants. And how's your relationship with God? Vent on Him. He can take it. I do. Alot. It helps. After I scream all my frustrations at God I can think alot clearer for a while.((())). Jerry.

Well we are definetly trying to get out of this apt as soon as we can, perhaps just after christmas, he knows this is a HUGE trigger and that I really can't stand anymore staying here. I am enduring because there is no where else to go, but I tell you it's reached to a point in which I would rather sleep on my studio at school than setting a foot in this hell-hole [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>About my relationship with God, lets say we never got along on the first place, and so I never have asked for help, not even in deadly danger, and I am very hard headed so I ain't gonna start now, despite, if he is there I am sure he's got more important things to cover since sincerely I consider I have it way easier than a lot of people just on this board [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>I tried to design a warning for him to get when he's going into energizer bunny mode, but I am affraid all it did is make him think I was mad, no matter how sweet my words were or how big my smile. All very frustrating indeed.<p>I just phoned him at work and sent him an e-mail telling him I was sorry for what I said and that I didn't mean it, but I am affraid the thought will arise again and I will open my big mouth (because sometimes I got one the size of a dinner plate too), and he will get tired and leave.<p>I am trying so hard not to run away, not to LB.<p>Any help? Please?

-Bump

lw,
All I can say is anti-depressants, anti-depressants, anti-depressants. I know you have the baby to consider but there are several drugs that should be ok during pregnancy. Ask your doctor. You wouldn't believe the difference they can make. And it's not artificial - they actually force your brain to function like it's supposed to anyway.
Hope things get better for you.
sj

Well LW I gotta say you 2 sound a lot like my W and me. I'm the BS and I get into that "energizer bunny" mode trying to meet her EN's. She said a week ago she'd leave if she had somewhere to go.<p> Yeah my mouth can accomodate a serving plater at times. I just try to hard now to make up for what I tried to little on before.<p> Sorry you and God ain't on the same terms. When things settle down give Him a try.<p> And really to get back to your original question: When you can get a quiet moment look to yourself for the answers. What can you do that would help your H settle down? What can you do to help yourself settle down? Write down the answers. Then form a plan for yourself to follow.
You have no mention of divorce. That's good. Under the pain you love him. Looking to yourself what can you do to deal with and get rid of the pain. I have God to scream at and unload on. And we have this board to vent and unload on.
People here sometimes have E-mails posted. If you have things you need to vent that you don't want to post here send an e-mail. You said you were lurking, keep it up. That's how I get most of my answers. I believe you have the ability to get through this. So don't give up. J

Alostwife Hi there. Just read your post and felt compelled to reply. First you really have to get out of that apartment it's obvious that it's a trigger that you just can't deal with right now.
Secondly because you are pregnant you are more prone to the hormonal rollercoaster. Ask your doctor about an anti-depressant I was on one during my last pregnancy and my daughter is absolutely healthy. My next question is are you in counseling? If not would you consider it? Seems that you have alot of issues that you need to address. My last comment is talk to God he is loving and forgiving and will truly help to bring some peace to your heart. He will help you through this ordeal. All you need to do is accept him and you will be surprised at the miracles that will take place in your life.
Prayers to you,
C

Thanks everybody for the answers. <p>sweetjane and cybil,
I am considering the anti-depressants more than ever, in a start, before I got pregnant even, I was reluctant, because I just don't like depending on a pill to make me feel better, I thought I'd be strong enough to cope, since, sincerely I have gone through worse things in life and gone out without much harm, but as it is is difficult enough, hormonal ups and downs added it is gonna be hell.
I guess I should talk to my doctor, but which one?, my OBS or regular doctor?<p>jerryweatherford,<p>I hear your advice and I am already working on the lists. About counseling, we can't afford it right now, I have been playing therapist and wife for my husband for the last 4 months or so, getting all of his traumas from chilhood to adulthood, putting them appart and then back together. This has turned him into a much better person, he is actually now grasping reality in a way he would never think of, and he feels happy now that he knoes what is the truth about everything, but i can't be playing two persons at the same time (one impatial and other partial), without going crazy, so I really need to figure out the counsellor issue.<p>I think that I need to let the doors open to love again and feel alive once more, but as you may know that is more easy said than done.
And I really have no idea of where to start [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

ALW, From your post it's easy to see there is a great deal of love there. Sure you're angry, hurt and confused. It's not an easy thing to contend with. <p>The biggest mistake you can make is to make any major decisions while in this emotional turmoil! When you factor in all the changes you're going through being pregnant, it's certainly not a time for major changes.<p>Speaking as a guy, I'll second what Jerry said. Sometimes we're a bit thick. My wife used to say she needed a 2X4 to reach me. Loooking at this from his perspective might make things a bit easier to understand (and maybe tolerate). My W calls it "tigger on speed" same as enegizer bunny... <p>For me it's anxiety that drives it. I love my W with all that I am. The thought of losing her is devastating so i try to compensate for years of neglect in weeks. I tend to over compensate more from not really knowing what is teh right thing to do or when to say when and back off. Must be a guy thing. It sounds like his heart is in the right place. <p>As far as the fear of being hurt.. I came to the conclusion that I have nothing to lose. The greater the risk the greater the reward. I love my W and she's worth the risk. I'm not sure I could be hurt any deeper, perhaps just longer... I do wish yo all the best!

sofar2go,<p>Yes I undertand some men are thick... I think that sometimes if my husband entered a "thick" contest he'd loose because of being way too thick [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>But I still love him. I still can't help hugging him and kissing him and just wanting to be with him, but other times... I feel so dettached.<p>When he is gone I miss him, I want him to come home, the moment he crosses the door, I get mad.
I am trying to figure out why. It is like being in love with him and don't liking him at all at times. <p>I hate seeying him sad or upset, and I can see I am causing a great deal of distress and pain every time I mention the D word, I try to hold back, not to LB, but then I remember what he has put me through, how ungrateful and neglecting he has been, all the abuse, and how I loved him and never did anything to deserve anything he ever did.<p>I tried to find the reason he lied, cheated and abused me on every way, I ask, I begged for him to tell me, but all he would say is "It wasn't you, you have always been a magnificent, amazing wife. It was all me, I was just screwed up".<p>I am not sure what to do with this, on his EN questionaire he just had one EN not met partially, that was more hugs, but I really don't feel like hugging him much, and I have trouble getting any intimacy back, (I have been successful most of the times I have tried, and my drive is rather good, I got pregnant for crying out loud [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>I am scared of being hurt, because... I think I have something to loose, I know I love him more than anything else, that my life wouldn't be the same at all without him, and that I'd most likely miss him miserably, but I am affraid that because of the numerous D-Days, and all the lies I have distanced myself, and I think it would be awful to loose my marriage, but that if he can't measure up and be an adult for a change, then he is not worth all the trouble, and that I will definetly survive.<p>I have always been quite independent, and have walked my way through life with my the strength of my dreams, my hopes, and faith in some people I'd consider of trust.<p>My husband had always been someone I loved and trusted over everybody else. I always gave him all my faith, I believed on him, never tried to change him, since I loved the person I thought he was and who he wanted me to believe he was. I helped him out of the pits of the most disasterous life, and I never asked for anything in return, if I loved him it was my duty to stand by him and lend him a hand and my love for as long as it took to reach the good times.<p>Unfortunately he thought he just had to sit and watch when wolves torned me to pieces. (And yes he has said this more or less).<p>Agh I am lost again, typed too much... <p>I am not sure what I want, no, I am not sure of how much I want out of him.<p>I want him to show me something that will change my mind, something that will tell me he'll always love me, that this feeling is for real, not out of pure panic and guilt. I want him to make me a believer again. I want to look into his eyes and smile just like the way I used to, regardless of how sad I was.<p>I want my life back.<p>
Gosh I wish sooo hard I could turn back time for him to do things right, to stop his anxiety and to stop my torture.<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

LW-<p>Will the REAL energizer bunny please step forward! I'm not sure I like the references here, but I guess I deserve that [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>I've had the same aprehension that you've had about using drugs to regulate myself....heck, I don't even like to take antibiotics when I'm sick. But let me tell you, the meds have made a lifesaving difference for me. I was worried that I'd be "drugged up", and not be able to think clearly, or be foggy.....let me tell you it's just the opposite. I can think clearly and feel (actually have feelings -real feelings- for the first time in over a year) again. Please SERIOUSLY CONSIDER THEM.<p>About feeling that romantic loving feeling....first you need to identify your top EN, then you need to communicate them to him in a way that he'll understand and accept that meeting them is the only way he'll be able to keep you, then you need to GET OUT OF THAT APARTMENT, NOW (consider sub-letting it while you move elsewhere, even if you don't get the full rental amount, isn't saving your M worth a little extra cash)! There are too many feelings that get stirred up each time you even THINK about going home, it's no wonder there's no room for love for your H. You need to make him understand that he has to rebuild trust with you.<p>Read everything on the site, consider getting and reading SAA if you haven't already, this book has helped me tremendously, and WS even read it.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I am scared of getting hurt again,<hr></blockquote><p>Of course you are, we ALL are, WS and BS alike. The WS are often afraid that the BS will revert to not meeting their needs, and the BS are afraid that the WS will cheat again. But don't we all owe it to ourselves and each other to at least TRY to trust, just one last time? <p>There will be no greater hurt than the rejection that you've felt, but I believe there'll be no greater joy than that you'll feel if you two can successfully reconcile.<p>Good luck, and God bless.
Kev

Real Energizer Bunny... errr Kevco [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ,<p>We are trying to get out of here as soon as our wallets lets us, it would take about 1K to do so, plus hunting for an apartment far far away from college students is difficult on a city with not 1, or 2 but 3 colleges [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] I am just tired of loud music at 3 am in the morning [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>I have to convince myself about medication... "medication is good... yeah right it is goo! HAHA!" [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I am also a very against-doctor person. I just go if the pain is enough to make me pass out, if I had my arm broken I'd probably not go untill I fainted, I am serious.
My husband doesn't like the idea of anti-depressants either, he is scared it will harm me and the baby, so we'll have to talk about it, maybe tonight.<p>I have always been rather bi-polar, from extreme bliss and happiness to utter sadness. I have been able to mantain myself in a middle ground thanks to lots of concentration and soul searching, and knowing what my limits, weaknesses and ugly truths and treats are, but I have no idea how to deal with this kind of things comming from someone else, like my husband.<p>I sure wish I could stop being scared. I was thinking of trying to visualize me falling and my husband ready to catch me, but I keep seeying him turning around because he forgot he had to do something silly, like turning off the computer or the kitchen's light and letting me fall.<p>I am not sure if that makes me want to laugh or cry.

lw,
We sound a lot alike. I too have felt somewhat bi-polar at times. Not to the extent that it would be diagnosed as such (dillusions etc.) but enough to have my nickname be "Merry Moodswing" for a time in my life.
I also dislike going to the doctor and will avoid it at all costs and am also anti-medication (our bodies have natural defenses against most things). It took me a long time and almost pushing my husband away with my moodiness to get to a point where I would accept that medication might help.
It did. Hugely. I can't remember a time that I've felt this good and even tempered. I can also realize that it is not artificial. It is how my brain should work but doesn't for one reason or another.
I can also tell you that I at one point thought I might be pregnant and talked to my doctor about the pills I've been taking and she assured me that all the research that's been done shows that they don't have any adverse effects during pregancy.
It would definitely be worth it for you to check it out.
Good Luck
sj

alw-<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>We are trying to get out of here as soon as our wallets lets us, it would take about 1K todo so, plus hunting for an apartment far far away from college students is difficult on a citywith not 1, or 2 but 3 colleges I am just tired of loud music at 3 am in the morning . <hr></blockquote><p>The fact that there are 3 colleges should actually HELP you in getting out of your current location. The spring semester is just about to begin, and there will be some people looking for places to live. Give SERIOUS consideration to sub-letting if you can. Even if your lease says that you're not allowed to do it, it CAN still be done (just don't tell anyone, I won't [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>Like I said, even if you still have to pay part of the rent each month, just the fact that you're OUT OF THERE would probably be well worth it.<p>Keep your chin up, God bless.
EBoC [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

Well the prob is that I know nobody I'd trust with the apartment. Some of our friends have had vert ugly situations with that in the past, they sub-let to a friend and they wrecked the apartment, failed to pay rentm and it all went down to their reports and their checking accounts.<p>I rather just be stuck here for another month untill we can get out without being thrown in jail. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I sure wish we had someone to sub-let it though. Our landlord should let us out since we really have been complaining about all this noise and bad living conditions (dorm like), and we even have called the police already to make it stop, so far no changes.<p>I try to be out of the house as much as I can, but I am reaching a point in which the stink of being here just makes me mad for the rest of the day so I will see what can I do to get over it.<p>Today I tried to be as sweet as I could, but sometimes the LB's and hurtful remarks seem to want to roll off my tongue so badly I have to bite it real hard.<p>We were driving on our way home and crime and stuff like that came into the conversation, along with prostitution, (we were noticing how porn video rental stores seem to flourish around here lately), and my husband was making questions about it, like if I knew more than he did. I just made references to Spaniard articles and TV news I had heard back when I was living there, and when he started to be annoying, (like if I knew details about it), I just got mad for a second and for some reason I wanted to say something like:<p>"Well excuse me I don't know all the perks and bad trades of the profession you and your ex girlfriends loved so much. I never sold myself for money or any other material thing I wanted".<p>He noticed I got mad and quiet so he asked what was wrong and he said he was only joking (yeah HA HA funny) "I just know you don't know so I thought we were joking" or something like that.<p>Anyways I told him I had a very bad though of awfull taste and very hurtful that I wish I never had, and that I was in fact mad at myself for even formulating it on my head. He insisted to know what it was, so I apologized upfront and told him. <p>He was not mad, and he just dropped the subject, but oh boy am I touchy and *****y nowadays. I hate the person this whole ordeal is turning me into.<p>How do I keep the beast in?

hehehehe just realized the auto-censor with the *itchy word [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] I have a sailor tongue harrrr!

Well today I have been thinking of this entire... sex in the A issue. I have tried with all the brains I got (which mind you aren't all that much, all fried), to make sense of it all. <p>I know I know, perhaps I shouldn't, but I need some sense on my life and to believe things happen for a reason, and since I was not the reason, and my husband claims he was the reason, to understand what he means.<p>He claims that when he had sex with her he wanted to get back together with her, that he thought he could make it work, even though they were always fighting, and that was "the good times", the bad times were when she locked him outside all night, let him scream his lungs out to get in because he was 2 minutes late.<p>Again, go figure. He said that they actually just had dry sex, (both of them dressed and she was the only one who apparently reached any climax), he wanted more out of it but once she was done she couldn't care any less of what he wanted, like always.<p>Then it gets confusing, since he claims not to remember what happened then. He just seems to have this black pools of memmories lost all over the place. He cannot remember when he felt it was a bad idea, what he thought, and how he felt (even when he was crying on the phone to me hours later saying it was the worse thing he had ever done, etc etc, by the way the worse thing he had ever done was just "cuddling" and "sharing bed" I hate the word cuddling nowadays ugh).<p>I feel there is a lot of material edited by him, conciously or unconsiously. I have asked several times in all formats, tried to make him understand that hiding them because he thinks they'll hurt me is what brought us to this in the first place. <p>[He kept to pour lies that made him miserable, that made him sad and *itchy all the time, to the point in which he'd rather detach himself from me and abuse me that admit he needed to tell the truth, a bad bad withdrawal case that lasted 2 years and brought me through the path of close madness]<p>He cries, swears and claims thats all he remembers, but he has said that before and he was again on a big old fat lie the size of an elephant.<p>How to trust him if there is so much baggage?<p>How do I live with the fact that he'd have sex wiuth someone that treats him like bleep, abuses him, neglects him, uses him, calls him names, cheats on him?<p>WHY????? <p>His words haunt me so badly... "You are the most amazing wonderful lover any man ever could wish to have", yeaaaah, but you sold this wife and your future for a one night stand with someone who has just slept with one guy the night before and slept with a different guy the night after.<p>UGH!!!!
[img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

Hey ALW! Just caught up on the posts. You're venting well here. Getting the emotions out. Is it helping? Yep I agree you're in a hellhole there. You seem to be dealing with the stressors better since you've started posting here. It does help to have a place to unload doesn't it? In reading you're posts I see you calming a bit. This place is therapy in itself. And you're helping others too.<p> My W is in the habit of lying all the time too. She tells me she wants the marriage and tells anyone who will listen that we're on the rocks and she'll be relieved when it's over (D).
I too love her more than is good for me. When is enough enough? Depends on the depth of your love. I'm fried (mentally) too. But I keep going & going & going because I love her. One day either she'll change or I'll have enough of the pain to quit.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] See, we're all in this boat together. Keep posting. I and others can really relate to what you're saying. (((hugs)))