WS was here tonight for over 2 hours...we talked about what is goin on in our lives, where he thinks he is with OW, our kids, and business stuff about household. Prior to him coming, I was angry and had a major mind battle going on. I prayed before he came. I was assuming a million things that were not really all true but could not stop my mind from going in the wrong direction. I thought he went away this weekend cause he was not around...that made me furious. But as we talked he mentioned he worked this Sat and went to his brothers after work. I have a real problem with my mind fabricating the wonders of his new life. <p>Then when he comes, I see his distress....the wear and tear on his face, the exhaustion and he mentions the periodic depressions. He even cries and shows his emotions to me. I get great relief from that. I can now move forward and spend the next week or two "feeding" off of this moment. Why do I get a lift or more energy to go on when I see him and see his distress? I do not want to live off his unhappiness and when I think he is happy, I cannot handle it. I do not understand this. Anyone else feeling "uplifted" by WS struggle?<p>Now confusion sets in----after seeing WS, I am asking myself "what am I missing?" I even feel that they deserve each other and maybe that they are right for each other cause they are so twisted in the emotional needs department. He has so much baggage and cannot seem to know where he is going and WHY would I want that back.<p>But come a few days from now, I will be obsessing about his possible honeymoon life with OW and the fact that he is giving away what is mine to someone else. I almost feel like I cannot see him as a person but that he is maybe a possession that I am being robbed of.....wow, talk about his sickness, what the heck is with me?<p>Something neat happened today...I had to make an appointment with a Physical Therapist and she recognized my name and knew my son. Then we talked a little and she said her husband was moving back in....I questioned what she meant by that (it was weird hearing someone I don't even know say something like that) But she said her husband had moved out 2 years ago and she thinks he may be ready to work on the marriage. Then when I got off the phone, I wondered if she is someone posting on MB and wouldn't it be great to have a Christian in my hometown that was in recovery.<p>Can anyone of us know who we are and what we want? That is a question that is scaring me.<p>TW

I think I want to see distress...I want to see that he is hurting. But, I never see those tears, I never see the strong desire for the marriage to work...I see someone who is living his sick life and not huting enough to change it. I wish I could see what you see...it would give me hope.

It is not great to be the object of waffling. He gets my hopes up one minute than he says that OW makes him feel young and he doesn't know how to come down from that. He likes being on his own and not answering to anyone. She plays the "no pressure" game and she never pushes him for a decision like me or questions him. I said she does not have as much to lose as I do so she can play that game.<p>I am feeling like I want to just give up and see a lawyer. I do not want to wait for something that may never come and then when it does, I think it may be brutual cause WS is passive/aggressive with a drinking problem. He does not have it in him to change and that is what is needed. <p>Just some thoughts whirling around in my head