I told our 6-year old son about his dad's affair (in kid terms that he could understand). Basically, my husband isn't going to spend the holidays with the kids because the "love of his life" would like him to be with her. My husband doesn't think it's a big deal to the kids if he doesn't spend Christmas with them. Just the other day, our son was on the phone with him asking him about his Christmas plans and that he really wanted Daddy to be with him. What is my husband thinking?
He's been 3 for 3 so far with the "special days". He visited the day after Thanksgiving, came the week before Halloween and completely missed our son's birthday. And now, another disappointment for Christmas.
To top it off, he lied to our son about where he lives. He says that he lives alone in our house (I moved away with the kids) when in fact, he moved in with the OW. That put me over the edge and I told him what was going on - why daddy didn't and probably will not spend the special days with us, where daddy really lives, why mommy is very hurt, etc. At this point, telling him anything but the truth made me feel like I was defending my husband's actions. That his infidelity is okay and what he's doing to me and the kids is normal. I didn't want to cover up anymore. I wasn't planning on telling our kids (our son's the oldest) until they were much older but with all that has happened, I just didn't feel it was right to hide this any longer. We're getting divorced and my husband has expressed his interest in having the kids at their place for the holidays and vacations in the future. I think it's because it's too much of a hassle for him to come out to where we live and he doesn't want to upset his "soulmate". How many of you told your children about your spouse's affair? And if you told them, how old were the kids?

The day after our D-Day, after our first mc session, my WH came home from "talking things over" with his best friend at a neighborhood bar and announced he was 'moving out' that week to "see if he'd miss me".......moron....<p>whoops - back to the point. I told him that would be fine, but we would sit down with our (at the time) 7-year old and explain to him WHY - as in "Daddy has a girlfriend and Daddy doesn't want to live with us anymore." <p>Next morning "daddy" decided not to move out. <p>huh<p>I think you made the right choice.
They make their dirty little beds...let them sleep in them. I agree with the idea that covering for them in front of the kids his as good as silently condoning the affair. Mom always said don't do anything you wouldn't want reported on the front page of the Sunday paper....<p>Besides, the situation is directly impacting the kids, and I think they are ENTITLED to understand why all of a sudden the floor is being pulled out from under them, and, ancillary to that; they deserve to know who their allies and potential enemies are.....we all deserve that much. <p>LLL
...it's about self preservation

<p>[ December 21, 2001: Message edited by: Getting very tired ]</p>

What a painful situation you're in. Your H's actions are irresponsible and self-centered. Whether or not this OW is his "soulmate" (a term I have come to hate with a passion), he should not be shirking his responsibilities as a father. Missing X-mas day is terrible.<p>I cannot answer your other questions about telling kids. Our oldest is 4 and although I know he realizes there is something going on with his parents, neither of us has considered telling him about our issues. Your situation is different, since you are apparently getting a D, but my advice would be to keep the kids out of the loop as much as possible because they are not old enough to understand. This does not mean covering up for him. I trust you have been able to explain things to your son in such a way that it addresses the obvious situation, but spares him the worst pain of his father's choices. If you need to vent, posting here is a good way to do it.

I don't believe I bad mouthed my husband. Of course I left out the details and explained to my son, in an age appropriate manner, what was going on. That would be too much for a youngster his age to digest. The point I was trying to make was that lying to my son to protect him would be disrespectful. <p>If during this time I tell the kids that their father is a great dad and loves them but just can't spend the holidays with them because he has work (or pick an excuse except for the truth), then I would be lying. And when the kids are older and reflect on the behavior of their father and remember all the times I tried to make him look good simply because he's their father, they will come to realize I was his accomplice in this whole mess. Not only were they betrayed by their father by what he did but they were also betrayed by their mother because she covered up for his actions - in essence justifying his infidelity.

OWNROAD:<p>I agree with your last post! My father was a WS and when I was 12 my parents divorced due to his continued infidelities. My mother tried to protect my siblings and I by lying about the reason for the divorce. I actually felt sorry for my father for years because I blamed my mother for the divorce. (She filed). I found out the truth years later in fact it's been 33 years and I am still finding out things. I only wish my parents has been honest with me back then.

I told my kids who were 7 and 9. I didn't give them the low down nitty gritty.<p>but they needed to know!