I asked these questions in my last post re is sex better in affairs. but i didnt get alot of response.<p>ive recently moved interstate to get away from ow with the hope of saving my M - WH moved here too to be near our baby. its been my safe haven. but now ow'h has been transfered up here for work and they arrive next week. theyll be in the next suburb. of all places! i believe h and i have been going well and now i feel its about to all end. h and ow have considerable contact already and refuse the idea that they shouldnt be. ow's h knows about the A which was discovered 14mths ago. they say they want to be friends - is this possible? And should i back off trying to be intimate with my H, will it ruin me, especially if theres more going on with them? And how can i tell if its still going on between them, even at an emotional level? I feel ripped off - i moved here to get away, and the problem has followed me.<p>Dancer

Throw them a curve. Tell H you plan to move back where you came from. Does he know why you moved in the first place? <p> Probably not the best advice you need to hear, but are you ready for the pain of the A starting back up in full swing? Nothing we can do, no matter how badly we want it, will stop our WSes from doing as they please. <p> It would be amazing though woud't it? To let them move where you are now, and then you up and move back. Assuming H really moved there in the first place to be near his child, he would likely move back eventually for the same reason. I personally feel there was more to your Hs move than just to be near the child. <p> Sorry, I know this isn't the best advice. I just think it would be funny for the OW to make the move and then your H move where you was originally. Wouldn't that drive her nuts?<p> jd

To be perfectly blunt, no it is not possible for them to remain "friends". They have had sex together. It is incredibly disrespectfull of them to assume that you and her H would possibly find that arrangment acceptable. It is a slap in the face, in my opinion. <p>It's hard to say if you should back off the intimacy stuff w/your H. I guess it depends on whether or not you think the A is on again, and how comfortable you are sharing that part of your H with another woman.<p>The only way to know if they are starting up again is to watch for signs. You know what he acted like before. Is he doing the same things now?<p>I know I am being a little hard nosed here, I certainly hope I don't offend. I just think he has a WHOLE LOTTA NERVE telling you that they can be just friends. What does he expect, the four of you to double date and go on picnics together, have them into your home for dinners?? <p>My .02 cents
Needing

needing,<p>i noticed you say your h is fencesitting. but youre together. is this what my h mite b doing?<p>how could i eva justfy moving my baby away fro his father? i wish it was that easy. isnt it selfish? doesnt my son hav a right to have contact with his dad?<p>Dancer

Well isn't it selfish for H and his OW to do what they are/have done to your family? Do you think in the long run you are protecting your son? <p> Sorry, but it is much more selfish for two people to knowingly destroy a family. Is your H thinking of the well being of his child by seeing the OW?<p> jd

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Dancer:
<strong>needing,<p>i noticed you say your h is fencesitting. but youre together. is this what my h mite b doing?<p>how could i eva justfy moving my baby away fro his father? i wish it was that easy. isnt it selfish? doesnt my son hav a right to have contact with his dad?<p>Dancer</strong><hr></blockquote><p>It was your husband who put you in this INTOLERABLE position, by having an affair, and has forced you to move. Let HIM move again to follow you to the new place.<p>And the "friends" thing is preposterous. If they are just "friends" then ask him to invite her and her hubby over for dinner. You can all be "friends" if that is all it is.

It's possible that your husband is'nt sure what he wants. Has he told you that he wants to make your M work and has he done things that you need to make you feel secure.<p>Mine has not. As a matter of fact it seems his fence sitting is over. He says he's moving out in Jan. He also says the A, physical aspect anyway, is over and that he is not leaving me for her. He thinks his being here causes me to much pain. (As if his leaving wont)<p>So, only you can tell if he is fence sitting. What do you think.

Dancer, I have to agree with needing here. I got the same "friends' line from my W. I told her that she destroyed any chance they had at a friendship the day she went PA. That was her decision.<p>I too think it incredibly disrespectful that H would even consider a "friendship" situation remotely acceptable. Talk about a complete disregard for your feelings and needs. <p>I'm so very sorry things are going the directions they are. I wish you all the best!<p>Take care

Dancer,<p>I agree with the others who have posted before me. I am the WS in my R and I just ended all contact with the OM 2 weeks ago. I told him it was completely disrespectful to my H and M. That we could not be friends in any way. It was no longer an option the very moment it became more than friends. Your H needs to decided on what his priorities are and stop being selfish and hurtful to you. It was very easy for me to end contact since my H and M are my top priority. It sounds like your H is in the fog IMO. They can NOT remain friends ON ANY LEVEL-- he completely disrespected you and your M when he decided to engage in the A. Continued contact with the OW is a slap in the face! Either he is committed to your M or not. There can be no middle ground and having contact with her is just that. He is having his cake and eating it too.<p>I hope I have not been to harsh. I apologize if I have offended you - that was not my intention. I just don't want to see you get hurt time and time again. You need to make some strong choices for yourself and son. You need to do what is right for the 2 of you and your H will need to make the right decisions and sacrifices for HIS family.<p>Just curious...how does the OW's H feel about this situation and continued contact?

Sorrowful,<p>i think her H is really worried about them moving up here, but perhaps trapped??? doesnt want to lose his kids??? not sure exactly. We dont talk, probably because hes concerned Imight post some of his thoughts here and they see it. <p>You havent been harsh. I dont want to be a fool. I keep thinking my situation is unique, but I keep reading posts that descibe my sitch to a tee. I just wonder wen is it the time to give up, if there is one, and how can I continue to hope but move on without destroying a possibility?<p>Dancer

JDMAC1

jdmac1<p>i guess they probably wouldnt see this all as selfish. they're the ones hard done by, remember. and i hope that my h is thinking about our sons best interests, but doesnt think whats happenuing is wrong and unhealthy. but lets face it, what can i do to stop her from being with my baby? isnt this a frequent problem for most bs? its a shame that the only laws re contact are about physical abuse or harm. what about moral abuse? but of course we live in a "tolerant" society, so anything to do with beliefs is acceptable and truth. and like i said, they see no problem with this, i suspect they see it as a way to get even or manipulate the situation. i wish i could think the best of their motives and not doubt what they say.<p>Dancer

Needing,<p>Sorry to hear your sitch. My H has not said he wants to make our M work. Hes said he doesnt think I can make it work, that I wont change and deal with my problems. He thinks I dont really love him and only want him back because I'm lonely and having a hard time being a new mum on my own. I've said that its her that is stopping us, but he says its not the A that separated us, but me not being the wife he needs and wants. So her presence here or elsewhere, in his mind, wont make a difference.<p>Dancer

Sofar2go<p>I like your bit at the end...<p>WS is fencesitting and youre waiting to catch her...<p>I wish I was that confident in my own strength to catch my H, let alone think that he might fall my side.<p>Hope she isnt too heavy for you!!!<p>
Dancer

Anyone there???