I have been so full of emotions lately. I want to talk to my H SO bad, but he has finals this week and we both decided he would have his space and neither of us would bring up any relationship issues until after he is done. Multiple reasons for this, mostly because he is majorly stressed out and his anger flares up easier.<p>Anyway, the point of my question was to ask if anyone else like daydreams of how they will react in certain situations. I keep having this re-occurring daydream where it has been 1 year since we started recovery and I just go up to my H and say "I'm sorry, but I am not happy. The way you have chosen to live your life has affected my life, and I find that I do not like this new life. I have tried my best to accept this life, but after much thought, I cannot. In all this time, I still find myself not being able to forgive you for the pain I felt due to your affair. I always knew an affair would devastate me, and I guess it is the one thing I cannot forgive you for. I am sorry, but I need to start a new life without you."<p>Does anyone else do this? I know I am just emotional, and I haven't said anything like this to my H, but it is the way I feel it will be 6 months from now. I try to be upbeat, I try to look at all the good things, but it just doesn't feel like it is enough (like my H says he is getting me something "special" for Christmas that will be "sweet", but I am not getting my hopes up - last time it was a sweatshirt. LOL). I feel so much anger and resentment, I am starting to get depressed again because I have no outlet for this. I went on Wellbutrim last week, but my sex drive is next to 0, and my H hates it (although I still give him sex, he cannot give me pleasure).<p>I have had no time to read lately, and I know the "letting go" book and some of the other ones will help me. <p>Alright, I do know what I have to do, it's just so hard when you are feeling so down.<p>(My H and I cleaned out the remaining things in his apartment this weekend. He hadn't been there in two months, but he had to get the stuff out for the new people moving in and he needed help with the big stuff, so... That was the 1st time I ever say his apartment. Didn't even know where it was before that actually. H had cleaned out anything to do with OW, but it was still painful for both of us. H also went on to say how sorry he felt for hurting her (barf), and I made him throw out anything she had touched (like sheets and my birthday present blanket that he gave her to use - bark again). <p>I didn't think it affected me at the time, but maybe it did.<p>
Do others have this problem too? It's like I just don't FEEL like doing anything. I know what I have to do, but I don't want to. I'm starting to doubt whether or not I love my H again, it just sucks.<p>Guess I just need a hug today.
HbH

I think it's normal to run certain fantasy scenarios through your mind. Mine goes something like this:<p>"So you still don't know if you will ever love me again. Well I've worked my a** off these last 6 months trying to make our M work. The fact is, you haven't been meeting my ENs for several years now either, and I've allowed my feelings to take a back seat to yours. The many opportunities you had to tell me what you wanted in our M were squandered because you never talked to me about these issues in a loving and caring manner. Instead, it was always scream, nag, criticize and blame ME for all your unhappiness. Well that's just a big pile of BS and I'm not going to take it any longer. If you think you would be happier on your own, fine, leave. I'll take care of our children and provide them a stable home life. You can go it on your own to see if you can meet your fantasy man. By the way, you can pay all of your own bills now too."<p>I do not ever want to say this to my W, because, of course, I do want our M to work and I do love her. But after being hurt so badly by her words and actions, there is a part of me that just wants to pull the plug and say "have a good remainder of your life."

RE: Does anyone else do this?<p>GOSH, YES!!!! At least, I used to. I've been in a good recovery now for at least 1 year (26 months post d-day).<p>Try not to let it consume you.<p>Instead of thinking, "I always knew an affair would devastate me, and I guess it is the one thing I cannot forgive you for," ...think instead in terms of, "I will remain OPEN to forgiving my H because I love him!"<p>In the meantime, when your resentment and anger seems to be boiling over, climb into your car, go for a drive, turn the radio up loud and scream profanities into the air until you feel better [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Hey! It worked wonders for me!!!! BTW, exercise does the body good as well.<p>And, don't forget, once the anger is out, do something soothing/comforting for yourself...even if it's just a flavored latte with whipped cream [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Peace, ~Marie

I'm with you on this one HbH! I too have those same feelings; far too often I'm sorry to admit [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Lately, I've found myself spending far too much time in 'resentmentland'. The simple, yet profound, advice I had been given for that was to just think of something else, and not let it eat away at me. But you know what? It's not working as well now.<p>Knowing what I know now from MB, I am fully aware of where the problems lie. Quite simply, my EN's aren't being fulfilled as much as I need right now, and I"m not doing enough for "ME". I'm getting tired out, and am in turn, LBing again.<p>I read a recent thread mentioning 'emotional divorce', and I think I'm on that path. It's not good. I've told my H about it (my feelings of us becoming so distant from each other), my fears (how I'm ripe material for a revenge A), and what I need for those feelings to subside, and hopefully be rid of for good (EN's being met, and thensome). But it's not sinking in for him, judging by the usual 'actions' as opposed to his 'words'.<p>I find myself watching him and accounting for his time like a hawk! One more wrong move on his part (such as contacting any OW - new or old), then that's it. He's been warned (verbally - I'm thinking maybe a written contract might be order??? [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] ), he knows what he needs to know, now he just needs to do it.<p>I fantasize about him screwing up, and me telling him something similar to what you envision telling your H. Not a good feeling, is it? Yet for whatever reason, we continue to torture ourselves with the thought. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I too had a very difficult time when I helped H to move his things back home from his apartment. He didn't do a good job (IMO) at getting rid of some things before I arrived with him, and they really triggered me off. The worst was an empty condom wrapper. Oh, sure, the positive side to that is that he was using protection - B.S.!!!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] I tend to focus on how he didn't think to get rid of it before I had the chance of seeing it.<p>Sorry for venting on your thread... but it does feel good to know I too, am not the only one having these feelings.<p>As much as we thought plans A and B were hard... RECOVERY is far more difficult! (because here we address the causes of the A symptom, blah blah blah).<p>Karen

OHMIGOD, I do the exact same thing. I daydream about the 2 times in our relationship when I broke up with him and told him to go to hell. I think the reason is because it was so euphoric to defend myself after having been lied to, cheated on and abused for so long. If I hadn't actually done it I have no doubt that I would fantasize the scenes. And take great satisfaction and joy from doing so!<p>It was like the good guy finally won and justice was done and I was no longer at the mercy of a corrupt person who did not have my best interest at heart. It was exhilirating and a major self esteem builder. My trampled self respect came ROARING back when I dumped him. Especially after having put up with his shabby treatment for so long. And amazingly, dumping him changed his treatment of me forever.

Hi all. <p>ML, RJB2, glad to hear I am not the only one. I just keep playing the scenario over and over in my head, and alot of other stuff too.<p>Marie, thanks, glad to hear it at least got better for you. I keep trying, it's just SOME days, y'no?<p>Karen, THANK YOU for venting on my thread!!! SO much of what you wrote is the same thing I am feeling right now. The big difference I think is that my H is doing a pretty good job at meeting my needs, but his LB's just end up making it all even out in the end... I agree, recovery is the toughest of them all!!<p>I know exactly what you mean about emotional divorce. I fear I was there a while ago, and now I am slowly going back as the anger/resentment kicks in full gear.<p>I also have accepted the fact that I was/am co-dependent, but I think my resolution is going to be me choosing to divorce my H. Which is okay, just not what I was hoping for many months ago.<p>Oh well. We shall see what the future brings.
Thanks again everyone.<p>HbH

HBH,
Yesterday I saw a pile of papers in our bedroom garbage. I'm a recylcer...so I looked at them. It was my H's ENQ--which I'd never seen--and tons of MB info, copies of the threads he started in the brief time he was on M, and letters from me, including my Plan B letter. All now about 2 years old.<p>I read through the whole thing yesterday...and you know, when sometimes you don't see progress? I realized how very far we had come in our recovery.<p>I'm amazed we had our last reconciliation. At that point, he wanted it, I wasn't going to do it. I remember that I lost heart for our marriage, but had forgotten how utterly negative I turned when he left me the 7th time & I found he was still in contact with the OW--which had been supposed to be over for 4 months.<p>I told him last night about reading through the papers, he hadn't realized exactly what they were. He said "why would you want to read them" I said I couldn't stop...and then I said "I really love you." And he said, "I really love you too."<p>It can get better, it takes time though...quite a lot of it for the barriers to drop, for hope to edge back in.

Thanks Lor. I really appreciate your input. I am glad things went so well with you yesterday. I hope you did not get upset at any of the things you read...<p>H and I also had a "talk" last night. I was a mess and cried hysterically. (H and I had sex in a certain way that we haven't in a long time and he had learned how to do it so it feels good for me. The sex he had with OW taught him w/o him realizing it. It sickened me like you wouldn't believe. She is the only other woman he has ever been with besides me, so it does make sense how he would learn stuff. Today I feel like I don't want him to touch me ever again).<p>Anyway, he was really understanding and said alot of stuff that helped, and he held me all night.<p>I suppose I should be happy my H is a better lover. But all I focus on is the WAY he learned it.<p>Great. Here come the tears again (sigh).<p>Thanks anyway, Lor. Guess I had to get this off my chest as well.
HbH

{{{HBH}}} I had a great post typed up, then lost it. I'm so sorry you're having all these mixed up feelings of resentment/anger. Wanting so hard to try to recover the M is so different from actually doing the work, isn't it? Right now there must be thoughts like WHERE'S THE PAYOFF??? I think that it must take quite a bit of time to start seeing WHY you're doing what you're doing. As you know, my M is about to come to an end. I still struggle as you with the fantasy conversations I might have with my H. I don't know if he'll EVER look at what his A has done to me. Don't know if he cares. It sucks. It will always suck. However, we can only go forward, never back. If you move forward and find one thing each day that you are thankful for, without trying to focus on all the other things that you are not thankful for, would that help? Maybe, maybe not. Only you will know. Keep loving yourself and the choice you've made for recovery. It's the greatest gift you can give to your H this Christmas. Try to continue Loving him as Christ loved us....<p>PEACE,<p>MOM

HBH,
Can I interject here? About the sex thing---<p>My H was 27 when I met him and sex with him has been wonderful, fabulous, fantastic since day 1!
I *assumed* it was because he had considerable experience with other women and had learned from them. Well, imagine my surprise when he confessed to me just about two weeks ago that I am only the second woman he's ever been with! And the first time was only about a month before we met.
So I asked him, well, where did you learn all this? He said some of it is instinct, some from reading/watching erotica/porn, the rest from my responses. I guess what I'm saying is try to give your guy a little more credit. Just because it coincides, doesn't mean it is so...maybe he overheard two women at lunch one day talk about how they liked 'x' done in 'y' way. Just a thought.
btw, i used to 'fantasize' about waking up next to my X and only one of us was still breathing! Guess I'm kind of gross.<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: diddallas ]</p>

Hi DD. Thanks for trying, but this time it was from OW. I do know what you mean though, cuz' my H did learn alot of other stuff by other means (the books and movies and stuff like you mentioned), but not this one, which is why it was so awful for me.<p>My H knows it too. It was the one position he was avoiding for the longest time because it reminded him of her, and it made him feel real guilty/mad to do it. (it wasn't like he was missing or missed doing it to her like that, it was a trigger for him and he is trying like hell to just forget her because he hates her so much).<p>But, he was able to do it last night, and of course, when I noticed the difference, and we talked about it, well, we both figured it out and it really hurt me to accept that.<p>I try to pretend it was like my H had met someone before we were married and had sex and learned that way, but it is not really working... <sigh><p>I still feel all gross all over just thinking about him touching me. I don't know how I am going to deal with this. I have been so not into sex lately as it is, and now the thought just repulses me. (it is one of my H's top EN's, BTW).<p>sigh, Thanks for trying though. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
HbH

I'm sorry for your pain. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

HbH,<p>When I reconciled with my H after his first A there were so many sexual and intimate triggers for both of us.<p>Kissing was one, he kissed different and it made me feel like I never wanted to kiss him again. I felt he was tainted and we were no longer just "US", OW invaded our private bond. <p>There were the sexual triggers also. Without going into details, there were several times I'd find myself in the bathroom after, crying my eyes out. He'd always find me but he was never as remorseful or understanding as your H. <p>What finally did help was time. Sorry, I know it's such a cliche', but after a good amount of time together, not speaking of just sex, our imtimate times became our own again, without effort or tiggers.<p>Everything you're feeling is so normal, HbH. Just let yourself feel these things but remember that many have gone before you and made it thru it.<p>Maybe try and think of your H, too, I'm sure he feels pretty cruddy about how this all is affecting you. And he may not know how to make it all "right" again. <p>Best,
Jo

Wow Jo. You are exactly right on that one. I'm glad you understand what I mean. <p>Without getting graphic, my H also told me that he would rather make love to me and satisfy me once every couple of days than do "other people" (our new way of referring to OW) multiple times in one day.<p>And that was BEFORE all this happened, believe it or not.<p>So, he does understand, and he does feel like crap. And the worst part is, I LIKED how it felt - just not how he learned it, y'no?<p>I am slowly getting over it, although I am still repulsed at the thought of having sex with him right now. But, there were other sexual things I was repulsed at months ago, that I have finally been able to let go of and enjoy, so, I suppose this will just take time as well...<p>Gee, this topic took a weird twist, huh?<p>Thanks everyone.
HbH