Two months ago my husband told me he thought he was in love with a woman at work. They did not have a physical relationship, however, they became very emotionally attached. She is married, but her husband is very mean to her. He agreed to stop all contact and go to counseling. After two visits with the counselor, he had a lengthy conversation with the OW and came home upset and says he is confused and doesn't know what he wants. Our counselor recommended individual therapy for both of us and then back to couples counseling. We have been married for 16 years and it has been absolutely wonderful. We have two children, ages 11 and 13. He says the OW opened his eyes to things he thinks he wants in life that he wasn't getting in our marriage. She is emphatic that he not leave me because of her, so now he is questioning things in our marriage and whether he ever really loved me. I think after 16 years, if he didn't love me I would have known it. He says he loves me but not sure if he is in love with me. He is still very affectionate with me too. I am just so hurt and SO depressed. I have lost more than 30 lbs because my stomach is in such knots. My doctor has prescribed an anti-depressant to help get me through. I feel like I am just sitting here waiting for him to decide if he wants me or not. He says he wants to work on our marriage but isn't making any promises and wants to wait and see what the therapist tells him to do. How do you possibly get through something like this?

WELCOME!<p>How do you get through something like this?
You come here.....vent...listen....and get great advice from people who have been through and are going through exactly what you are going through. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
I've been there.....3 times with my H.
Heard everything that you've heard.....and more.....lots more.<p>Read, read and read. Implement Plan A. Get on those anti depressents....they work for some but not for others....I'm one of the others.<p>Just one thing...and I never asked my WH this. <p>He said that the OW opened his eyes to things that he wanted in life but wasn't getting in your marriage?<p>Could you ask him exactly what those things are?
Find out the reason the A has happened and work from there.<p>Sounds like he is looking for things to make your marriage seem bad in order to justify what he is doing. He's fence sitting for sure.<p>You CAN get through this. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Good luck,
Heather

Dear Hurtandafraid,
First of all WELCOME. You've come to a wonderful place for advice and support. I thank God each and every day for this website. There are wonderful, caring, compassionate people here who know EXACTLY what you're going through. Please look for the thread for newcomers under the "Just Found Out" forum. It will lead you to pages that explain Plan A, Plan B, Emotional Needs and lots of other explanations of what your WS (wayward spouse) is going through. We are HERE for you. Just read, post and try to find out what your H's needs are, then begin to try to fill those needs, so that he no longer needs OW (other woman) to fill them. If you can handle it emotionally, try to be the BEST wife you can be. No one knows how long their WS will stay in the "fog" that their A has created in their lives. Get yourself strong, pray for peace and guidance, because this will not be an easy road. As you can see by my information at the bottom of my post, my M at this time is not surviving my H's A. I'm very sad, but at the same time, know that after 10 months of this madness, I have done all that I can to save it. If you are willing and able to work hard, your M might just be one of the very many lucky ones that not only survives this nightmare, but becomes a much better M in spite of it. My prayers go out to you!<p>
PEACE,<p>MOM [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

One more thing,
Please make sure and take VERY good care of you physically. Like you, I have lost a lot of weight (60 pounds since April). It was extra weight, but I did not lose it in a healthy way. As a result of this stress I have dealt with unexplained bruises all over my body, and currently, my hair is falling out in clumps. I waited much TOO long to give in and get on anti-depressants. What has your doctor put you on? I'm just starting on Celexa. If the one he gave you doesn't help, go back and get something new. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Keep up with your counseling to help you deal with the emotional impact of all of this. Most of all, LOVE YOURSELF through this. I made the mistake of appearing too needy, too pathetic throughout this process, and it did nothing but push my H further into the arms of OW. I'm not sure if you are a Christian or not, but if you are, use this time to rely solely on GOD as your source of strength and comfort. You are NEVER alone....<p>MOM

haa,<p>You have definintely found the right place to acquire the tools to save and rebuild your marriage.<p>Understand that what your husband is going through is an EA (emotional affair). An EA is every bit as difficult and hurtful as a PA (often more hurtful to a wife left at home). Begin be reading the links below. Read about Plan A and implement it.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I feel like I am just sitting here waiting for him to decide if he wants me or not.<hr></blockquote><p>Know that you are NOT a passive participant in this. You CAN take an active part in saving your marriage. You cannot affect your husband's actions (don't even try to force the end of his EA, it won't work, and it won't help you either- trust me, I KNOW).<p>All that you CAN do is work on YOU. Try to find what your H EN (emotional needs) are, and try to meet them. He said that she opened his eyes to things that he wasn't getting in the M, ask him WHAT things. It's quite possible that if he'll let you, you too can meet those needs.<p>The meds are an EXCELLENT idea, and quite possibly a life saver. Know that they often take several weeks to take effect. If they don't work for you, there are literally DOZENS of meds out there, one is bound to work for you.<p>Come here any time you need support, or a shoulder to cry on, or an answer to a question. MP and MOM are absolutely correct, there are people here who will be able to help and guide you, to kick you in the butt when you need it, to listen and cry with you.<p>Nobody can understand what you're about to go through unless they've been there. I used to think in terms of absolutes when it came to infidelity, but now that I'm mired in the middle of it, I see that the only absolute is that there are ABSOLUTELY NO absolutes...make sense? Nobody that is looking in from the outside can understand what you're going through....take that in mind when receiving advice from without.<p>Good luck, and God bless,
Kevin

Thank you for all your support. Right now I am trying not to pressure my H, because this only pushes him away. I am trying to "act" stronger(even though I really am not at this point). Looking pathetic and sad all the time does only make him withdraw from me even more. He hasn't told me what his needs are at this point and says once he has met with his therapist a couple more times and he makes a plan for us, we will discuss those needs. The anti-depressent that I am taking is called Trazodone. My doctor prescribed this because you take it at night and it is supposed to help you sleep. I go back to the Dr next week and if I am not getting the needed results, she will prescribe something different. My H keeps telling me not to panic and we even discuss things we need to do in the future. Maybe he just wants someone like the therapist to tell him what to do. Even though I feel like I am dying inside sometimes, I am trying to just keep being supportive for him and love him like I always did. Hopefully, if I keep doing that, he will see how much he is loved and that even though there may be some things we need to work out, with the right guidance from our therapists, we can have something even better. <p>Thanks again for all of your support. It means so much at a time like this. I haven't told my family (parents and sister) because if we can get through this, I don't want them to forever hold a grudge against my H, so my friends are my only support right now.

HAA,<p>I have a couple of suggestions for you. First, if you're going to go to marriage counseling- do yourselves (and your marriage) a favor and call the counseling center on this site. They can give you a reference to a therapist in your area who prescribes to the MB principles....I think you'll find much agreement here that any other therapists will only tend to do more harm to your marriage than good. This is certainly the case with me.<p>um, I forget the second one....guess I'll be back later.<p>kev

haa,
You are doing great. You are doing all the right things. The worst part about all of this is that we (the BS or betrayed spouse) often have to stuff our emotions and feelings when we're around the WS. This site will be a very helpful tool in managing that. You can come here and tell us your feelings. At some point, if your H decides to commit to recovering your M, then maybe he'll be ready to hear about it, but you are absolutely right in your assessment that these kinds of talks push him away. How'd you get so smart???<p>MOM [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

MOM<p>I sure am hoping I am doing the right thing. I learned what not to do by trial and error. A couple weeks ago, my H said he can't take the pressure from home and from work (the OW). Consequently, I have come to the conclusion that if I don't cause any pressure and she does, she will push him away and I will be there! The last thing I want to do is push him away. I know he is suffering (even though this isn't what I want to hear) and I want to be the one to help him, not her. So here I am, taking medication to make me sane and able to cope, just being a loving wife waiting for him to come to his senses! Hopefully it will all pay off.<p>HAA

HAA--<p>Wow! reading your first post reminded me so much of my first posts...<p>If you are a reader...read all that you can...many of us have veritable infidelity and self-help 'libraries.' I started with the Harleys' books...Surviving An Affair , His Needs/Her Needs , and LoveBusters , but have LOTS more.<p>You sure sound as if you are instinctively doing a good plan A! You might check out information on mid-life crisis: http://www.midlifeclub.com
There might be some insight for you there.<p>Finally...if you are spiritual...hold tight to your beliefs and believe even more strongly...I have found miracles in prayer...I put it out there to people whom I KNEW really prayed...prayer chains...at the very least it was comforting to know people were praying for us.<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: TryingAgain ]</p>