Help.... I can't go to Plan B right now. H's birthday is next Friday, and then Christmas, and our anniversary on the 29th. I only wanted to have warm feelings for him this month, and I wanted him to have warm feelings too while I stayed in Plan A. But I was stupid last nite and found some details about a mini-vacation they took last week (the same trip WE took this time last year [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] ), and Victoria's Secret purchases, and I'm crushed.... yuckkkk.... I can't talk to him anymore... it hurts too bad. <p>Can I just avoid him? Will that minimize my Plan B when it's time? I want him to know why I'm avoiding him.... thus... the purpose of the Plan B letter, you know. Should I go to Plan B?<p>He hasn't mentioned the D since Nov. 21. I haven't either. Every time we talk (about once or twice a week) he is VERY friendly. Now, it makes me sick to talk to him. And wow... he sure has PLENTY of money to spend on her....<p>Yep, I've pretty much given up the idea of contacting the OW now. I'm just sick to think about her right now.<p>I just need your thoughts and feedback, please. Plan B? I've been told that if we have to ask if it's time for Plan B, then we're not ready. I feel like I'm ready.... it's just the warm, "special" events this month holding me back... making me wonder.... my letter is ready... perhaps I'll post it for you to critique...<p>thanks all... what would I do without all of you? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Faith,<p> My opinion , for what it's worth,is I think you've done enough Plan A and need to go to Plan B. How in the world will you be able to make "warm , happy times" when you know what you know? <p>I went to Plan B when I couldn't do it anymore and I thought it was the worst time possible(is there ever a good time?). We had 8th grade graduation, Confirmation, First Communion, and HS graduation all within the following weeks, ...also his Bday. As it turned out , he ended up coming back after about 2 weeks since he was so traumatized to have to deal with those events without the family. <p>This is just my opinion and I'm sure others can help guide you.....it sounds to me like you are at the end of your rope (rightfully so).....LU

{{{Faith}}} Sorry for your continued pain. I'm wondering if you shouldn't wait a couple of days, just to calm down emotionally before making the decision. I think that what you think might be making warm feelings over the next couple of weeks may end up being VERY PAINFUL feelings as you try to have something with your H over Christmas, his birthday, your anniversary that he is unable to give you at this time. It's so scary to think of going to Plan B. However, if you are truly feeling that you cannot take anymore, then prayerfully consider doing it. I will pray for you to have the strength and ask God for his direction before you take this next big step towards YOUR HEALING...<p>Take care and God Bless,
MOM

Faith -- <p>Plan B is for you, when you are at the end of your love. And I think you are.<p>Don't drain yourself even further. Make those events bearable for yourself.<p>Its time.

OMW

Faith1,<p>I understand the "warm feelings" stuff, but you may be setting yourself up to be hurt if you expect anything from him. IMO, you should go to plan B when you are ready, period. Don't let holidays, b-days, anniversaries, etc. be excuses for not doing it if you know in your heart it's what you need to do. If you're not sure, then don't. Plan B is to protect you from being hurt and preserve the love you have for H. I worry that if the next two weeks don't goes as you hope, you'll be crushed and any love you have left for H may be as well. Don't expect anything from him right now, for your own sake.<p>sad dad

I think you should Plan B him. I'm sure will be hard even impossible in your mind. I bet these holiday events will make him think as well. Like JD had to do, Plan b before there is nothing left emotinally to love. <p>We are here for you. You can do it. I think you should go buy a nice necklace for yourself. Treat yourself right, some pampering could be in need. How about a massage. Yeah there we go.

Thank you.<p>Yes, my love bank is nearly dry. You are right, if something else happens to make withdrawals, it will be empty completely, and that is what we try to avoid by going to Plan B, right?<p>Yes, I will wait a couple of days. I know better than to make a decision in the heat of emotion. <p>I really don't think he'll give a rip. He'll prolly be happy to not hear from me anymore, and may think I'm trying to play mind games with him. But I have to do it to preserve my love and good memories... before I end up hating him. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>thank you all for your help. Any other thoughts?

Faith,<p>Plan B is about protecting your love in the event that HE should see some sense. It isn't about what time of year it is. If it's the right time for Plan B, don't care about xmas being two weeks away. This is about YOU. It's about YOUR life. If the scum bag is buying at VS for his OW then don't let xmas get in the way of what and how you feel.<p>Take control of your life Faith,
and take care of YOU,<p>- Freddy

Hi Hon,<p>You said you are hurt even hearing from him. Then you are already losing your love. He is hurting you too much. <p>Special occasions are built on happy memories. Plan B is to protect you Faith not him..... <p>When the WS went on vacation to Yosemite this past FEB and I got to see the 'bill' of their room and in room meal - [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] it hurt. BIG TIME!!!! I went to plan B within the next month. Even yet, he came to watch our son. When our anniversary came I was ready to go to plan B even then and he was home. In fact I can do the plan B on a moment's notice. Protecting my sanity & love is now my motive. H's feelings (that change like the wind), it not how I am going to make my decisions. <p>Maybe one day, he will come home and find us packed up and gone. Maybe...... ya know? If that is what it takes to protect my son & I, that is what I will do. When I went to plan B, I felt relief. It took about 2 weeks but I felt it. Of course in our case, we had been talking every day. When I stopped my side from calling, he started wondering.....even accused me of having a 'boyfriend'!! I said no 'boyfriend', I want a man who can really take care of me! LOL!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Your H needs to see that the EN's he is getting from you are draining you and you are stopping the flow. An EN is even the knowledge that you are available at anytime. Kinda like keeping both doors open.<p>SLAM!!!! close that opportunity unless you are willing to share him with the slug. <p>HUGz,
L.

{{Faith1}}<p>I have to agree with everyone. Putting off plan B right now jeapordizes what few feelings you still have for him. I know how it is. You know how I feel. You should have been in Plan B a long time ago, probably. <p>Doesn't have to be the traditional long Plan B letter, either. Your case certainly isn't the same as most. I'd just make a short, bittersweet letter stating that you can't bear to maintin contact with him anymore. Even as limited as your contact is, you want to eliminate it altogether in order to prevent more hurt than is necessary.<p>That's what I'd do, anyway.

Hi Faith1. I'm so very sorry. I have to agree with everyone else it doesn't matter that Christmas or your anniversary is coming to start Plan B. I'm concerned that if you wait you will be hurt even more. You don't deserve this. <p>Is there anyway that you can getaway for the holidays? Maybe visit a relative or at least do something special for yourself? You need to put yourself first. We are all here for you. Take care.
hugs and prayers,
C

Faith1,<p>You've read all the responses, there seems to be a concensus here. It's time. I realize how hard it is, but only YOU can stop the pain right now.
He's not going to. I don't want to see you beaten down until you have no love left for him. That will make all you suffered through for nothing. Do this for you, and for him. It's the only thing that will make him realize what he is losing. He probably doesn't think he's lost anything yet because he thinks you will always be there. You can't rely on him to make you feel better. I plan on doing the same as soon as we're not living together anymore, which will be soon. The holidays, your anniversary and his b-day will be harder on him without you. My prayers are with you that you find the strength to do this.<p>sad dad

Faith1 (D)<p> I will take a slightly different approach. I feel that if you know in your heart you are ready for Plan B, then by all means you need to do it now. <p> But, if you are not ready, not 100% ready, then don't do it. I know at times you think you are at the Plan B point. But you don't/haven't went to that Plan yet. Ask yourself, WHY? <p> When J left, the marriage was supposed to be "OVER" for him. He was supposed to file for D. Yes he did start that process, but he hasn't done it yet. WHY??? <p> D, I know this is eating you up inside. I know your bank is low on love units. I think you should wait until after the special events that are upcoming. If nothing has changed after those events, then go to Plan B. Give J this one more chance to come out of his fog.<p> You really have nothing to lose by waiting. But, Plan B could be the push he needs to go ahead and file the divorce, and have you served. <p> In the grand scheme, what's a few more weeks? <p> jd

thanks again everyone. <p>JD, I appreciate your thoughts soooooo much [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . But, I'm really afraid if I wait much longer, I will end up hating him.... or at least beyond a reparable state. I cannot stand what he is doing to me. I might be lucky that he is being nice to me... but it is sickening that he is lying to my face, and hiding so much, and acting like everything's just wonderful and we can be best friends..... NOT!!!! I plan on giving him the letter Monday or Tuesday.<p>Yes, the holidays will be hard without him (Plan B or not), but I have family and friends around to be with. A getaway would be nice as well... I'll have to see what I can do [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>I hope everyone is having a great weekend!