Hi everybody-I need some advice. I have posted before and here is a copy to give you the picture.<p>"Hi everybody,
My first post so forgive errors etc please.
Just a brief history....my wife is having a long distance affair (180 miles)with an old lover from way back prior to our marriage. From reading the MB website I realise that we have had
compatability problems for quite a while,not the least caused by her fond memories of the OM....I have always felt that there were 3 people in our marriage-we two and him-and this has proved to be the case.
My wife actively sought his whereabouts for 4 years until she tracked him down. She told me quite suddenly one morning that she was meeting him as an "old friend". I reacted badly and said that if she did then I would leave. Bad move,I know but I had no "tools" to work the situation until I found MB.
She took my hastily spoken words as a license to meet the guy and have the inevitable sex.<p>This has only occurred once but it is only the distance,lack of money and opportunity that makes more contact difficult.They cannot speak on the telephone easily because I see all the bills etc.(there is of course pay phones!)<p>I am implementing Plan A at light speed and there has been progress.We get on well now and do fun things etc and my wife has moved back into the bedroom after a 4 week period sleeping in the spare room. She says she loves me and we are supposed to be trying to mend the marriage but her body language does not match the words.
Last weekend she volunteered(without prompting from me)not to see the OM again but come monday I saw an outgoing call on her cell phone and an incoming from the OM. A relapse. This is the second relapse.<p>I sense she is torn between lust,passion etc and her genuine feelings for me.<p>My next move is to have the honesty discussion and follow the rules suggested on this site but I don't know how to guarantee that she won't contact him yet again and the whole routine of her depression at not being in contact and then euphoria at any renewed contact begins again. My wife cannot easily hide her emotions and I can read any sitution fairly well.<p>question:Could any of you good folk offer me any guidance here?<p>Question:Should I expose the OM to his unknowing (I believe) wife and thereby bring things to a head and put pressure on the OM to end the affair? I really do not want to give his wife and family the same pain that I am going thru'- is this any sort of a solution?"<p>UPDATE: We had the discussion about emotional needs and we both filled in the questionaire. We discussed the implications etc but then the issue was shelved and the form just left on the table.<p>Radical honesty was not even talked about.<p>WS agreed to try to repair the marriage but she was disappointed that she had to cease contact with OM. She says (as of today 14 December)that she has had no contact with OM, but demeanour and body language indicate otherwise. I have great difficulty in beleiving that she has had no contact with the OM. She has no signs of withdrawal, depression etc,-sings around the house,cheerful etc etc. There is no evidence of her coming closer to me or doing anything constructive to heal the rift. There is no guilt for the A.<p>She is always checking her cell phone for messages,calls etc and she makes sure that I never get near it.<p>She says there is no future in the A but she still pines for the OM. She written a poem about their wonderful love and is constantly consulting Tarot cards,I Ching and other 'Fortune telling'instruments for 'guidance'. If something arises that is not what she wants then she does the procedure again until she gets a 'favourable'answer.<p>She says that she does not want me to leave and on one occasion said that she loved me. Lately when I have said those same words to her the answer has been "Uh huh" or "I know you do Honey" or some equally non-commital response. She has even said "I love you too"-which seems to be an automatic reply.<p>We are travelling O'seas on a long pre-arranged holiday on 22 Dec for four weeks and WS says that we can relax and sort things out. If that does not work then she will still see the OM.<p>I have been really depressed despite medication and have been doing Plan A continually. My depression is lifting but my "gut feeling" is that no matter how bright and cheerful I become it will never be enough. I wonder if her actions are just a charade to get us over the vacation.<p>I am so emotionally stressed and my thinking is so distorted that I do not know what to do any more.<p>Guy's and Girls: Any input,insight etc would be very greatly appreciated<p>Byron
