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Joined: Oct 2001
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Honey Offline OP
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I am trying plan a, and have been unsuccessful since friday when told he saw her again... when contact was broken off , it was better.... at first it was not, then she broke it off with ws, now they are lonely and have been talking.. about how not to be together... her spouse travels, mine moved to her neighborhood and they both got laid off... poor babies.<p>Anyway, please advise- it really hurt me to hear my H say he is trying very hard not to talk to her, but it is so difficult, because he can't get her out of his mind.<p>I am so disquisted over this.<p>Lisa

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Honey,<p>Do you own a copy of Surviving an Affair? The answer is in there (I think). In general, Plan A is designed to negotiate the wayward spouse out of an affair, by learning to develop your marriage skills in spite of the affair. This is designed to demonstrate to the wayward spouse that you are serious about making changes that will improve the state of the marriage. It's much different than the usual response to an affair---and it can be very effective. It usually centers around the elimination of all lovebusters (difficult under the best circumstances, but especially tough during an affair). It can also involve meeting unmet needs for your spouse, if they are actually willing to let you do this (often they're not during an affair). <p>The usual timeperiod to do this is 3-6 months. You will need to do it long enough to establish a consistant track record of new marital behavior with your spouse (you need to get them to notice). If they decide to end the affair during this period---that's terrific. If not, you'll want to transition abruptly to Plan B---a complete "no-contact" separation. Plan A then becomes a setup for Plan B---you give your spouse your best for a designated period of time, and then you withdraw it. This is mainly to protect your own feelings, which will be hammered in Plan A (often you'll be doing great, but you won't feel like your spouse gives a crap).<p>The ultimate goal in Plan A/B is to get you to work constructively on your own relationship skills and "survive" for 18-24 months---because it's likely if you do, the affair will be over in that period, and you may get your shot for recovery. In my case, it took Plan A, Plan B, and my wife getting pregnant by the OM before the affair eventually ended. But we did surive, and we're doing well in recovery (and I have a cute 3 year old as an extra present from God). I counseled with Steve Harley throughout this process (which was a year or so), and he was a terrific coach and motivator. I also felt my situation was pretty hopeless, until right at the end when I got my opportunity.<p>You need to try to minimize these incredible feelings of hurt. Your husband loved you once, and he can do so again. Plan A is about relearning those skills and how to apply them.

Joined: Aug 2000
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The really short answer is "until you can't do it anymore". It tends to be obvious when you simply can't continue in Plan A. Some can go on for a long time, but some can't.<p>K has said it nicely.<p>Trying to discuss how not to be together may happen over and over again, because simply put, they are addicted to each other, and can't easily stop that. But most affairs will die a natural death, because the momentum that exists can't be sustained forever, and they become disillusioned with that. So the idea is for you to withstand the period of time that they are in la-la land, and demonstrate change and behavior that will show your spouse that you are the one to be with.<p>Plan B is difficult, especially with kids, and you tend to know when it is time. In Plan A, there will be many days where you think you can't do it anymore, but when you feel this way, give it a bit of time, and usually you'll recharge and be able to continue.

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Honey Offline OP
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thanks for the replies... I think I need to continue plan a, I think when I get mad and feel like moving to plan b, I should give it time from reading responses you have given.. need to dig out how to survive an affair. I love my husband, he says he still loves me but does not trust me... due to some lb's I exhibited before the affair,,,... funy how they shift the blame... she is only a symptom of our problems, well NO, I do not go there. <p>I know I can win him back, just the stamina to do this, is very difficult, it is very hard when I have been husrt so badly... at least the Ow's spouse is trying to win her back too... thank the lord.<p>I love my husband, but I want him to love me too... he says he loves me.. but no trust... I am like.. who went wayward with the trust now???<p>THanks for the valued advice, I know I need to reread how to survive an affair. I love H and I want marriage... somehow I guess I can survive this, but it is already feeling too long and xmas is making it difficult. I am so angry that because of an affair, I am in financial straits, and h is living seperately. <p>People have encouraged me to divorce, and sometimes I wonder. thanks, lisa [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

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ditto K and Rick - you are blessed to get the advice of these two heavy hitters.<p>One thing struck me in your post:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by honey:
QB] it really hurt me to hear my H say he is trying very hard not to talk to her, but it is so difficult, because he can't get her out of his mind.
[/QB]<hr></blockquote><p>IF he is being truthful about this, this is a good sign. It WILL be hard to break contact. This is when your strength can pay dividends. As difficult as it is, this is when you have to be supportive - when you hurt the most.

Joined: Oct 2001
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Honey Offline OP
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Thanks for more advice, I am continuing plan a, and it is working, at least H is being honest and open, more than when he was cheating and lying about it... I think he does want to work on things with me, and he sees me treating him lovingly... but it is the hardest as it hurts the most. thanks, lisa


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