W had EA with coworker and I do believe now that all communication with OP has stopped, except for casual greetings in hallways. I don't like this but she will transfer in May to new job. Reportedly, communications stopped about 2 months ago.<p>My problem is, W will not talk about anything regarding EA or our M. Woke up at 2 a.m. last night and went downstairs. W followed me saying she couldn't sleep either. She asked me why I was having trouble sleeping and I told her the truth that I am frustrated at her lack of communication with me. I have been avoiding questioning her because this is a LB, but she asked. I didn't say anything more until she asked what I was frustrated about.<p>Well then I said, in addition to her not wanting to fill out EN questionnaire, that I still knew very little about EA and that I needed to have an open and honest discussion with her about this. At this point, she became very angry, saying she has told me everything and that she refuses to discuss this any further. For her, it was enough that she told me I wasn't meeting her needs. I actually know next to nothing about what happened and I told her that her actions have caused my trust in her and our M to come crashing down. <p>I didn't ask her any specifics, but I tried telling her why it was important for me to know more details. I related some of the things I have learned on this MB site and she basically said there was something wrong with people who would go posting their stories of infidelity on a wewbsite.<p>Usually, my W would be very open to a site such as this. Recently she said she wants only to work on herself and then she'll consider whether she wants to work on our M. I'm just getting a lot of conflicting messages from her (which I know is common for the WS).<p>I don't want to push her and have tried (mostly successfully) to avoid this LB. She truly seems not to understand the dynamics of the situation. I have been reading my butt off and I believe for the first time in our relationship, that I have a healthy grasp on what is required for a happy and faithful M.<p>I guess my question is, what, if anything, can I do to educate my W on these issues, especially the principals regarding how to recover from an A? Right now, she just doesn't believe or trust what little I have told her about recovery. I was considering providing her with a list of certain books that would help shed some light on the perspective of the BS. Perhaps if she were to see this from an authoritative source she trusted, her attitude would change. <p>I know she likes Dr. Phil from Oprah. Does he have any books that address recovering from an A? I really don't want her to disgorge the details of the EA until she is ready and open to do this in a caring, non-hostile manner. At this point I just want her to get a different perspective on why total honesty and availability to discuss A is a good thing on the road to recovery. Thanks.

As a WS, I am wondering if maybe she isn't in denial because of the shame and guilt she feels? Kind of like, 'if I don't open my eyes and see the big monster, it isn't really there'. I wouldn't push her, though I know that's easier said than done.<p>Keep on with Plan A and maybe as time goes by and she does see that you still love her, she will open up more. My H doesn't go for 'psychological bs' either...but I sneak a little in on him now and again. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Here ya go, RJB. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

• Relationship Rescue - Dr. Phil
• Lesson s in Life - Dr. Phil

<p>Hope this helps ...<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ December 17, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

RJB2<p>Best thing I can offer is a "coupon book" suggestion.<p>Give her a book of coupons for everything you can think of from you doing the dishes, to candlelit dinner, to backrub to making love in the backyard under a full moon. Tell her to use whichever ones she wants when she wants.<p>See which ones she picks and try to go from there.<p>Wish I could offer something more but a shot in the dark but if you use a big enough shotgun (LOTS of coupons for LOTS of things) then maybe you will hit something even if you are blind and your aim is off.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions.<p>GVT:<p>It's funny you mention coupon book because I was considering doing something like this as a X-mas present. I can see how this could also provide an opportunity to secure her trust and help her open up to me. I will definitely do this now!

Resilient mentioned - Relationship Rescue - Dr. Phil. (you'll need a timer)<p>My counselor suggested we start with Chapter 8 doing the evening excercises. It takes 30 minutes a night for 2 weeks. <p>It will help open up the conversation. The eyecontact helps in reconnecting. <p>It starts with 2 minutes of looking at each other and not saying anything (and not laughing). Then it went like this: He says (while maintaining eyecontact): it is my desire to become more committed to this relationship because.... (he has 3 minutes to talk - I can't say anything - he came up with 3 reasons he wants to be in our relationship in 3 minutes but I see it is a huge effort on his part. Then I do the same. The next statement was "my biggest fear in becoming closer in this relationship is....(again 3 minutes to talk). There was another statement - something like: the things that attracted me to you is:... (again 3 minutes to talk). Then I do the same. At the end you follow up with a 30 second hug.

We are on day 6. It was extrememly uncomfortable the first 2 days but it is getting easier now. I will post when the 14 days are up to let everyone know the progress.

It's been 20 months since Dday...only six months of that has been in recovery. My H is only just now starting to open up his heart and talk to me, and even that is very tentative. <p>My instinct is to stay on Plan A, don't push, don't expect anything in return, not yet anyway.<p>Keep showing her your changes and being a spouse that deserves her love [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My H gave me details about the affair...but that information isn't the same thing as talking about how he felt and thought. <p>He's not crazy about counseling and reading MBs even though he agrees with the principles and that is the approach we are going at recovery. I found however that Chapmans "5 Love Languages" did more for his approach to me than the MB stuff did. Telling him that my #2 need was physical affection resulted in little change in his behavior. Reading about Physical Touch as a love language made a huge difference in how he treated me.<p>It's just slow. I get very frustrated sometimes, because I need/want more and faster progress. And about everytime I throw my hands up and think that it will never get better, he'll never understand, he'll never open up or get closer....well then he does.<p>Your wife isn't going to do anything, including recovery, on your time schedule.<p>Hang in there.