My wife is still in contact with om by phone at least once a week. Our relationship seems to be, at least outwardly, getting better. She will tell me she loves me now but I always have to say it first. She had told me she had only spoke to him twice since I discovered the affair. Her treatment of me seemed to vary from day to day, though. Now I know she has been calling him. He never calls her. She is in love with him and me, she says. He says he doesn't love her but that he cares about her a lot when I ask him. She says she knows that we can not really work on our marriage if she doesn't stop all contact with him, but she just can't. The affair lasted 3 1/2 years and she can't shut him out of her thoughts. She says she is trying but can't do it. His family, friends, and employer don't know anything about it. My wife was an employee of his when the affair started and he would never be promoted again in this company if his boss found out about the affair. He was implemental in her getting promotions. Also, I have the phone number and address of his parents. I know most of his collegues and friends as well. My problem is, my wife seems to really want to make our marriage work but can't stop calling him and every time she does our progress is set back farther. Should I inform his family, friends, or employer? Informing his employer may harm my wife's career, she thinks. I think that if he had to face some of the music he will stop accepting the calls from her and help her to get back to our family and marriage. We have been married for 14 years and have 3 young boys. The om knows all of this and doesn't want to break up the family but wants to be her friend and let her make the decision of wether to stay or go. He, of course, is making more love deposits every time he tells her its her decision. I have not threatened him with exposure or anything else at this point. I have told my wife I understand and continue to plan A like crazy. She has responded wonderfully. I can tell when she has spoken to him. She changes. I think she's feeling guilt that she called him. It makes her angry at me to feel this way. I don't think either of them ever planned to be committed to each other. I think she wants things to be the way they were before I found out. Cake and eat it too. I could destroy him financially, with his family, and with his friends and co-workers if I wanted to very easily. I can't decide what to do. It feels like a love buster but how? She is hurting because she can't let him go and he won't say goodbye either. I'm just hangin'. At times I want to destroy him totally. How do you guys control this feeling? Would it help her or me to encourage him to stay the hell out of our lives? Help! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

saddad,
I think you wise to know that any waves you start now will only drive your wife farther away. IMO, she's way off in the fog but maybe is coming around a little. Sounds like she's fooling herself about how committed OM is to her.
I think it would benefit all of you to ask them to have no contact. Of course, it sounds like they're both into the cake-eating thing. It all boils down to does she want him or you?

Your title had me thinking that your wife might be highly resistant to change - and right now she's getting both of you, even though the OM is less than cooperative with her. He's not pursuing her. He's not trying to be available to her - he seems to be trying to get back to his life. But he's NOTHING to you. You have no power or influence over him that would not come back to bite you (like turning him in to his boss). <p>But change will come whether your wife likes it or not. <p>Is there a way you can talk with her about the personality change and the way she lovebusts you when she has made contact or an attempt to contact? Preferably when she hasn't just tried to call him in the last five minutes would be a good time to approach this subject. <p>At some point, Plan A converts to Plan B if "NO CONTACT" isn't somehow achieved quickly.<p>I know BS who have managed to pursuade repentant WS to change employers if the A happened with a relationship in the work-place. It may not be an unreasonable demand in your situation and would be worth exploring. <p>Remember - a faithful spouse who considers the continuation of a marriage beyond an affair by their partner is a prize above jewels. Treat yourself as such, while doing your best PLAN A. With this fundamental truth as the basis for your decision-making process, you will do better than if you ignore your own needs and value to the relationship.

Her behavior is totally unacceptable. She has been having an affiar on you for 3 1/2 years and continues to maintain contact with this married OM? I would contact his wife immediately. Wouldn't you wish to know?
Your behavior of your wife is selfish and totally disrespectful to you. She would like to maintain both men in her life. Oh please...... In the real world mature adults must make choices in their lives. It must be shown that there will be repercussions to her behavior. There is not a reason for her to humiliate and disrespect you this way.
My guess is that if your tell her about the attorney and contact the OM's wife she will probably come to her senses because the OM will pick his family over a little sexual pleasure now and again. The fact that she could lie to you for
3 1/2 years of your marriage and still wishes to have contact with the OM says it all. Do not enable her to continue this behavior. She has no respect toward you and in fact it boarders on disdain. Stay with her if she is willing to really commit to the marriage and end all contact and go to counseling.
Do not stay with her if her only desire is to maintain financial security from you and pursue her OM. Contact his wife. I wish you luck because you deserve so much more than this.

Does his wife know? If not, I would think about telling her, or at least tell OM you will.My OW's H and I made a deal- I would tell him of any continued contact and he would tell me.

I guess I wasn't clear. The other man is not married. I wanted to know if it was a good idea to inform his parents, etc. He is divorced. His wife had an affair on him within two years of their marriage and they divorced. Thank you all for your advice. You contradict each other though. I could really use some more help. Is hurting him going to hurt my marriage or help it? I can hurt him in pretty much any way. I could probably get him fired from his job. His parents have been married for 40+ years and would cause him some emotional stress. At times, its very hard to control the urge to go and beat the crap out of this *$#%^%^*$%^*! if you know what I mean. It wouldn't take much. What can I do to help my wife stop all contact with him. He was her best friend, apparently, and while she seems to be choosing to stay with me and my family, she is having trouble getting over him. Hence, the phone calls. He lives 1500 miles away and neither he or my wife seem to have any plans of seeing each other again. Our work has it's own internal phone system that allows us to call any location in the company with no long distance charges. This makes it very easy for her to call him while they're both at work. I don't think he ever contacs her. She always initiates contact. What can I do?

Sad Dad, <p>We could be twins. My WS and I also have 3 boys. Her "A" was going on for a year before D-Day which was 4 months ago. She still has contact with him also.<p>I wanted to do exactly what you are thinking about, but know better. It's her CHOICE to call him....doing things to him will only piss her off and turn her against YOU !! Trust me on this. My FIL knew about the "A" 7 months before i did and tried to make them stop and my WS turned on him. My MIL called to talk to OM shortly after D-Day and my WS turned on her own Mother who she had been close to for 35 YEARS. <p>You can't change him...you can't change her....you can only change YOU. It's her choice to keep calling him...at least he's not calling her all the time. She's the only one who can end it..and it has to be on her terms. NOW...you can help her to realize that her choice is going to have consequences with it. This is where i am at now. <p>My WS is still in contact with OM..mostly he calls her, but she still does call him sometimes i believe. Her & I are better in our marriage than we have ever been and getting better all the time. I have an appt. with an attorney this week and told my WS this. I also told her that it's her choice to keep talking to him, but i can't have the feelings i have for her and know that she is still talking to him. So if she continues to talk to him, i must proceed to end our marriage, but that is the last thing i wanted to do. The choice is clearly hers. <p>The thing is...this is not something that you can threaten and not do. You must be ready to do it and your WS must know that you are ready and capable to do it. <p>Good luck...and keep those boys as your # 1 focus !! They deserve it.

Hi saddad,<p>I can feel the difficulties you are going thru and you have some hard decisions to make...<p>You and everyone else are correct, ALL contact must stop before real recovery can begin. I advocate telling family, and friends. In my case, I feel this is what really helped to show them the A was "not real," just fantasy. When family and friends know it puts a "different spin" on the A and gives them a taste the real world. <p>Your dilema is a little different. You are in "some" M recovery, albeit "in the fog." Taking these other steps now could force your W into yet another "spin" not to your advantage. Conversely, it could "force" some reality into the situation. Difficult decision but either way she has to stop all contact w/ OM before real recovery can begin...<p>
MITT

Sad, You know the answers to your question no matter how hard they are. I'm in the same boat. WS is home and contact continues. <p>I suppose the question to ask is what tangible gain do you see from telling OM family? Do you really think it'll change anything for the better or would it just be a huge LB and end up pushing your W further out to sea? <p>We all know the A needs to die a natural death and that any efforts on our aport will most likely only extend that death. It's hard to sit back and watch. Realy, all we can do is watch and work on ourselves. Take this time to work on you! You'll likely need your strength and resolve when the A ends. I wish you the best of everthing!

I don't know that their A will end in a natural death. It has already been 3 1/2 years. They were only physically together 4 times in the past 1 1/2 years but the phone calls were non-stop. At this point the om has nothing to lose by continuing the relationship. Nobody he knows knows about it. He has everything to gain by allowing it to continue without ever having to make a commitment to my wife. Which I don't think he ever will. He is not feeling any of the pain my wife and I are feeling. She because she can't let him go and because she knows he doesn't want her (commitment) except at his leisure. This guy is trying to destroy my family without any desire to support my wife or kids if I'm out of the picture. I want to hurt him. I can't stand to see my wife going through the pain she's feeling. I know its like starting over every time she calls him but she can't stop. This says nothing about the pain I'm feeling. I really think it would have been easier to handle her death. That sounds terrible and I'm knocking on wood now but its true. What's the harm in helping him to be a decent human being and drop out of our picture? What would it hurt to write a letter to his parents explaining the situation and asking for their help. Someone has to knock some sense into this guy. It's killing my wife and making me insane. I know it's up to her to end it but if he can be convinced maybe he could help her to see reality as well.

You can't change him...you can't change her....you can only change YOU. It's her choice to keep calling him...at least he's not calling her all the time. She's the only one who can end it..and it has to be on her terms. NOW...you can help her to realize that her choice is going to have consequences with it. This is where i am at now. <p>I told, told and told, and I even attacked the OW in a bar. Believe me, it helped, and it felt good, but it was a major LB. I am glad it happened, and they are in the light of day...it is ending and now we are at very little contact and her H knows. BUT, they have been trying to file harrassment charges on me, and filed assault charges which were dismissed. It was bad, and still is. Do not lose it and beat the ----- out of him... at least not in public... I had no intention of this happening, but it did. I lost it, temporary insanity when I saw my H walk into a bar he had been taking my 2 boys to with her to play darts and had also taken our sweet children to her home to spend the night while her H was out of town working. I am sooo sick over this. I did lose it for a while.<p>Keep coming here. THis site is sooo much help and support.. . my H is now at the point where some contact is going on, and I am now realizeing that he has to end it and see what he really wants... he says the more he got to know her anyway the more he saw how she was not for him... but the more I see lately, I am not sure if he is for me anymore. I am tired of not being given the committment I deserve... but I did mean my vows for life,,, and I will try my best to save my marriage despite his betrayal.<p>We bs's who will take them back and reconcile truly are gems aren't we.<p>Do not let her take away your worth and self esteem.<p>You may decide to tell. It has to be your choice, it has a risk, but I say it may be to your benefit. Have you talked to the OM about all of this, I would call him and tell him to back off... at least this is a good step... if he doesn't move on to talking to his parents and employers... I did it all. I am not sorry... but you have to be ready for major reprecussions.. my H is still mad at what I did and thinks it was a major LB, I say--- in this situation it was a necessary. In my case, it stopped a lot of what was happening... the light of day was very very good to me.... I am happy for the exposure.. he is not... he has more quilt and shame and whew reality has set in... and he just can't telll everyone he left me ... since I was so horric... he is an adulterer... has your wifes affair been physical... if not... I might give her a little more leadway.... get her in counseling... she is still at home and trying... but I would not put up with the contact at all. NO WAY> I have repeatedly told my H this... he thinks now they can be friends, I DONT THINK SO> NEVer. THere is going to have to be major commitment and healing in my marriage... before I allow him to come home... although I really miss him. I am angering at him by the day by his continued fog. I was hearbroken that he moved out, but as he tells me it is hard not to call her, and he is trying not to... I am not understanding at all. I am not his motther trying to get him away from a bad girlfriend, I am his wife. This is worse than worse to have a spouse do this to you. THey are crzy and maybe thaey need to see that they will lose us.<p>Sorry, I am just getting angry... can you tell I have a temper... at least some healthy anger in me. I know in a marriag e we deserve love and healthy give and take on fair levels. I don ot get this. I have been plan aing and I am starging to feel majorly taken advantage of, so I am thinking plan b may come in soon. It is sad, but it may go there... I am giving my chance the chance to fix things, but I am getting so tired... as I just keep getting blamed. I know marriage is about giving, but not being taken advantage of. I will not tolerate continued contact with OP after found out... it wasn't ok to begin with, but now I know.<p>Anyway, just my 2 cents, don't get arrested or anything... watch out... they sometimes gang up on you together... and if you do decide to call or make contact strike quickly as harrassment... and legal harassment charges can be placed if you contact someone who does not want you to contctt them... fujnny isn't it. I guess that is because our ws's can do this if they want to and legally get away with it,... they can
t be jailed for cheating... although they should be.<p>Thanks, l

My 2 cents.....<p>Follow the Plans... Plan A for a fixed amount of time, then Plan B. The path to recovery is narrow, remember.<p>Even though they're physically separated, the contact does imply that the A is still in effect on-going. As such, you need to negotiate an end to that before you can truly consider yourself on the road to recovery. Plan A will help set up for either WW "coming to", or will be an integral step in the A/B scenario. It sounds like you're doing a great Plan A - she sounds confused and is staying at home - same situation as my WW - in fact, very many similarities. Monitor your love bank for her - watch that balance - have a plan in your mind about where you're going with all of this.<p>As for adding extra conflict to the situation by destroying OM - I'd avoid that. Even though their A has been going on for 3 1/2 years, it was doing so in a bubble - that allowed it to live far longer than most A do once exposed to the light of day. For me, my WW's A was revealed to me only - so it's only partially in the light. But for me, switching to Plan B will be the opportunity to "reveal all" to friends and family. The destruction of the A will happen naturally, especially as the A/B thing plays out over time.<p>Consider talking to Steve if you can, as he'd have some good advice.

SD,
has it occured to you that when and if your wife decides to come back to her marriage and family, (in the role of a real wife that is), that she might feel that in playing this role she will be doing so as an enormous favor to you? that she will see this act as a sacrifice. <p>if this is the case and you really love her as much as you say you do, do you consider this a satisfactory conclusion to the currrent episode? are you really willing to have her on this basis? <p>my friend this situation has been going on for a very long time. she has really showed a tremdous reluctance toward returning to you and her marraige. in fact, i would bet anything, that if the OM decided he wanted her once again, she would run, not walk to do his bidding. <p>you say that she really wants to make her marriage work but don't you think that you're really just kidding yourself? a person who wants their marriage to work makes mature adult decisions about what it takes to do just that and then follows through. you're wife doesn't seem to want to do that.<p>don't you think that it's time for you to be at least a little honest with yourself about this woman and what she really wants? sad dad, understand something...stop listening to what your wife says and start looking at what she does! the truth is not found in what a person may say. it's found in what they do! sayin' so don't get it done! doin' it gets it done. and she does nothing and has done nothing but continue to cheat and break your heart.<p>sorry my friend. i wish it wasn't so but that's sure the way it looks to me.<p>poodlepapa

I just found some letters from the om and her best friend. In them I learned her friend-who denied ever knowing anything-actually knew the whole time and that she is having an affair with the om's best friend. I also learned that my wife made a video for om and that he has come to the city we live in (1500 miles from where he lives) when I was on over night shifts. Possibly many times. I don't know. I know he loves her and that they have made plans for him to transfer here-which would mean he would take my next promotion. He wrote of being able to spend time with her and doing whatever they want whenever they want. He is apparently willing to commit to her. The letters were dated 2 months ago-one month after I discovered the affair and the week she asked for and had papers drawn up for a divorce. She never had the papers completed-I paid off the lawyer to close the suit 2-3 weeks later. She now says she doesn't want a divorce and that things will be OK. We are still sleeping together every night. That never stopped. I also know that he has been contacting her. She used to deny this but admitted it tonight. She doesn't know I have the letters. I want very badly to believe her. She tells me she loves me and we hold each other wherever we go. We are spending immense amounts of time together. She seems to be reacting well to my plan A. But the letters have me questioning her true feelings. There were not any letters after the week she had the papers done up. I think they would have been where I found the others if there were any. I found them in a place at her work that I (or anybody else for that matter) wasn't supposed to have access to. I don't know? Is she trying to come back to me or is she just tagging me along until he gets here to support her? She cannot afford to live here without me, nor I without her. She changed her mind about the divorce about the same time she discovered this. I was plan Aing at the same time and she broke down pretty badly at the lawyers office. I know she still loves me. I think she may still be confused. She told me tonight she knows the affair was wrong and that she regrets it. She says she never meant to hurt me. AAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhh! I'm going crazy on this roller coaster ride. I will destroy him before he has the opportunity to transfer here. I'm a little afraid that if I get him fired he will not have anything keeping him where he is now though. God help me I'm losing it!

anybody still up? Help me out here. Please!

Am not sure what to tell you. Perhaps calming down some tonight and really thinking things thru before acting upon them.<p>Is she telling you what it is you want to hear, aas she knows how to play you?<p>What will you accomplish by going to the OM's employer/family/parents? Will it be a LB if you do?<p>How much more of this can you take? I've been doing this for 11 months and am close to plan B at this time, Really wish there was someone there to help tonight.<p>Don't know if any of this info is new to you or am I just re telling what others have said tonight? Just didn't want you to be by yourself, it's so lonely.<p>How are you with computers? I need some help seeing if my WH has used mine to contact OW while here visiting my kids.<p>Dawn

I don't know if she is playing me or not. She did for 3 1/2 years apparently so I don't know if I could tell the difference. I want to believe it's real, it's just so hard to trust her. The reason I've been thinking of telling his friends/family/employer is #1 he'd probably get fired-this is the way they communicate-through a company phone-no long distance or records that way. Also, I think telling his friends and family might throw a dose of reality into him. So far he has had nothing to lose and no pain to bear. If he lived closer I think I probably would have already killed him and be in prison right now. The pain I'm felling is overwhelming. I want to hurt him back. Childish I know-so is there affair. You should here the way he talks in the letters-you'd think they were in high school-not thirty-something.

It is so hard to trust, am dealing with some of that tonight.<p>Is there away to let those that you want to know without it being known who has told?<p>Do you work for the same company? Could there perhaps be a leak thru the company that something is going on with this OM and someone within the company? And then you be shocked when it comes out that it is y our wife?<p>Just thoughts!

Sorry, I don't know how to tell if he contacted her. Does it matter though? Don't you already know he is in contact other ways? I thought he was living with her. Is that not true or am I confusing you with someone else? Either way, one thing I've learned is that the more I pry, the farther away I push her. She will not tell the truth on her own and gets deffensive if I persue it. I don't know that it matters if I know she is continuing contact. All we can do is keep doing the right thing-right?

I guess you are right!! But I am so tired of being right and get nothing in return for it.<p>I guess the urgency tonight is I want to confront him with it.<p>No he is not living with her that I know of. She lives in Miami and he in Utah. He had been in Alabama for 6 weeks, spent a week with her before and after and can't even spend a week with his kids, has to go home, D's asked him to stay til Sunday and says that he can't, has to much to do at home. Went from Miami to Utah and then here was only in Utah 12 hours and then had to spend the next 12 on the road to get here.<p>My stomach is so upset, I haven't been this bad for a long long time!! I have just kind of taken all of this in stride and have allowed him to think that I will fall in with what he wants, did tell him that I would not be divorced in Utah as I have never lived there.<p>He had been saying through e mails and phone calls that he wanted to talk about the D, had sent me some on line papers to review back in Oct. hasn't brought anything up since he's been here, so I guess I am a little scared as I haven't thought that this was for real, have done alot of praying and just don't feel that I am suppose to D him, I haven't gotten the sign yet I guess. We have a Dr appt for oldest D tomorrow at 11 and he says that he wants to leave after that, I guess I don't want him to leave, but don't know that I can say that with any meaning to him. <p>I hate what he is doing to our family!!!<p>Dawn