What exactly do you mean she made a video for the
OM? I do not know what to suggest if she has been
lying to you for 3 1/2 years and has been unable
to be honest with you. Clearly this is making you
crazy. Maybe you should think about this. What
would you write to somebody who is going through what you are going through? I wish you luck.

O.K. Jerrod,
First of all, your last line said "God help me." GOD CAN and WILL restore your Marriage. Take your focus off OM IMMEDIATELY and put it on GOD. You will DESTROY more than OM if you "tattle" on him. You may very well put the nails in the coffin where your marriage will be resting. Please, PLEASE do not do anything ugly or spiteful or out of revenge to OM. The decision HAS to be your W's decision to end all contact. How long have you been in Plan A? The Harley's say if you can stand it for 6 months, do your best. At some point, your W is going to have to suffer consequences of continuing contact. As long as you make the situation such that she does not have to end all contact, she probably won't. If you tattle on the OM, you may end his career. Big deal. Will that end all contact he has with your W? I doubt it. Your W has to really, truly want YOU and your MARRIAGE for all contact to end. Work on YOU and your relationship with GOD. He will give you the right words and actions. Also pray for him to turn your wife's heart and eyes AWAY from OM. You can also pray for God to turn OM's heart and eyes away from your W. God can turn someones heart IN AN INSTANT. Stop all thoughts of revenge, and ask God for forgiveness of your revengeful thoughts. GOD will take action if you will only let him.<p>Lord, I ask you to get the devil OUT of Jerrod's thoughts, words and actions. Give him the strength to handle whatever his wife's choice will be. Put his focus on you, Lord, for you alone can do all things. I ask you to turn Jerrods heart and mind towards you. Once he surrenders to your will, you will make miracles happen in his life. Please give Jerrod's wife the strength and willpower to end all contact with the other man. Turn the other man's heart cold towards Jerrod's wife. Lord, I ask all these things in Jesus' precious name.<p>AMEN<p>PEACE JERROD!<p>MOM

She told me tonight that she told me she would end contact just to appease me. She admitted that he was trying to get transferred here. There are no openings and my boss doesn't want to bring anybody here from outside the district. He will keep trying I'm sure. She still won't tell me how many times he's been here. I'm guessing many times. That means she left the kids home alone at night every time. She says there's still hope for us but she is still leaning to him. He can't come without leaving his job though and he won't. She won't go to him either, because of her job and the kids are settled here. She said he tried to transfer here 2 months ago and if he would have she would have ran to him and wouldn't have had nay doubts. She says she has doubts about him now and that is why I should see it as a sign of hope. She is with me because she can't afford not to be and doesn't want anybody, especially the kids, to know about the affair. But she's here and that should give me hope. Ugh. I'm being played a fool. But I love her and will keep trying. If he lost his job or could find a way to get a transfer he would be here immediately. I am going to speak with my boss and make sure he doesn't get a transfer. I might just be buying time but I need all I can get at this point.<p>I can't figure out where it all went wrong. I'm still fighting the urge to destroy him. He is a coward. I think I'll call him tomorrow and tell him to back off and let him know what I can do to hurt him if he doesn't. I at least know for sure where I stand now. She is still confused but if she had to choose today she would choose him and damn the consiquences. I told her I was in a catch 22. She will not be able to see the good in me and find the love again or work on our marriage until she drops him 100%. But she can not drop him until she's sure she can find the love with me again. <p>What about the kids? She gives them very little thought in her decision. They still don't know anything. I think maybe its time they learned the truth about why we almost got a divorce 2 months ago. <p>I really can't understand why she still sleeps with me and takes baths with me and shows me affection, albeit nothing like I'm sure she showed him, if she feels the way she says about him. And how can he stand knowing she is still sleeping with me?<p>My family thinks she needs a jolt of reality and that I should file. I'm afraid its too soon and my plan A may not stick yet. But it's very hard playing a fool. I know I'm here just to tide her over until he can figure out a way to get here at this point. With more time, I keep telling myself, maybe she come around. Maybe I'm lying to myself. <p>She gets very upset (sad) when I mention anything about how my family feels about the situation she put us in. She is more concerned about how others think of her than anything. My family especially. My mother and father were her best friends for 15 years. Much closer to her than her own parents. The same is true of all of my brothers and sisters. This seems to be the only way to get a true emotional response from her.<p>Do I make her allow us to tell the kids? Do I tell the om's parents? His boss? will anything help. The plan a-ing isn't enough. I may not have enough time.<p>help, please.

Hi, <p>If you feel that plan A is not working then look into plan B or even better read up on the book 'love must hebe tough' by Dr. Dobson. <p>See she is giving you the wrong reasons to stay. Those reasons won't hold weight when you try to go back to a normal routine. My H used those reasons at first so we went through about 4 false starts. For me now, if the reasons aren't right, there's the door. But I had to go to plan B and tough love, H was just too comfortable in plan A. <p>She is showing you affection but is it genuine. I don't mean to be rude but if it is genuine that is a good sign. If it is not it will show. <p>L.

The om told her yesterday he would not come to her and that she should give me another chance. He told me that she has been miserable and confused every time she called him. Then he told me that he told her to give me a chance. She was crushed and heartbroken. I can't console her much. She won't let me. She told me that she knows there is no future with him but that right now she doesn't want me either. She doesn't want anybody. We are still in the same house and she still says everything will be ok. Whatever that means. She hurt me pretty bad when she told me she doesn't love me, but that was right after the call with him when he dumped her. I still think she is genuine when she tells me she loves me. She was able to tell me before the day was over yesterday. She is still very difficult to talk to. She has a terible time opening up. She will not release her sadness to me over losing him and can't show me any strong emotions either way-good or bad.<p>Are these good things or bad? She doesn't see how she could ever love me again. She refuses to educate herself on the subject of affairs or fixing our marriage. She knows we can't work on our relationship until she deliberately decides to do it but she won't. She says she doesn't want to get hurt again. How can I assure her I won't? How can I ensure I don't if she won't tell me what it was I did that hurt in the first place? We never argue. Not even at the start of her affair. We get along great. She never expressed anything to me about things she didn't like about me or the things I did.<p>How can I change for her if I don't know what she wants and she won't tell me?<p>I guess it's good that the om is out of the picture but he actually gained more brownie points by being the one to let go. I'm rambling, sorry. It's been a really weird day.

Hi Saddad,<p>Yes it looks like he scored something...if you're keeping score. It is taking it's toll on you. <p>If you were to hear of this situation in another family and they asked you for advice, what do you think you would say? <p>L.

Hi there...I felt you might need a reply from a WS.... NOOOOO, i would NOT contact the family, it would be a major LB! I think you can be honest with your WS and tell her how much you want to work things out....and how you want to BE there for her.<p>IF you can deposit more and more love units into her bank...it will erase some of the OM's....when you LB...it depletes yours and actually raises his...sigh<p>good luck............ i hope she sees the light..

saddad <p>If there were any way that telling his family and boss about the affair would help you restore your marriage then I would suggest you do it. There comes a point in time when the BS has to create some boundaries. If it’s a LB for the WS, well perhaps that’s what is needed to make them stop and think of the harm they are doing. <p>From what I have read the OM is not married. So there is no wife who has the right to know. I do not believe that telling his boss will help you. Perhaps trying to put a stop to a transfer and promotion will help if you are close enough on a personal level to the person who can stop the transfer. Most companies would not want to be involved in the middle of a mess like this. Does he use his job to get knowledge, like when you are going to be out of town to help him with the affair? Does he have any influence over your travel schedule? If you is using proprietary information to conduct an affair with your wife for the last 3.5 years, you may want to see HR and an attorney. If nothing else it could put some fear in him. I know that he told your wife to go back to you, but he could change his mind. Telling his family will probably not help as they probably do not give a hoot one way or the other. He is a grown boy. On the other hand, if they would put pressure on him to stop the affair go for it. I know that many families would never accept an adulterous into their family. This would put extra pressure on him to stay away. Perhaps it could even be done in such a way that it is not clear you are the one who told… after all if this has been going on for 3.5 years, there are probably many people who know. Remember that all is fair in love and war…. This is both. As for telling your family.. The fewer people who know the better as long as you have a good support system in place.<p>It seems to me that as time goes on, more and more people on this site are taking Plan A to mean that the BS lets the WS walk all over them for months on end. That is not the purpose of Plan A. Plan A should last no more then a couple of months while the BS negotiates with the WS to stop all contact with the OP and to work on the marriage. The Harleys say that most people cannot keep Plan A up for more then 2 weeks when the WS is living at home and keeping contact. So if a short Plan A does not work, then on to Plan B. Your wife’s affair might have died a much quicker death, with her coming out of it not even liking the OM if she had to depend on him for all of her EN’s to be met. I believe that the reason she is home with you is that you fill many of her EN’s and she can ‘beat you up’ emotionally to get back at your for what ever she is mad at your for. If she only had him in her life, a large part of her needs would go unmet and the problems with you would go unresolved. She would need to seek closure with YOU. There are many reasons for a short Plan A.<p>You have been honest with your W and told her how much you want to work things out, how you want to be there for her. It seems that it is impossible for you to deposit love units into her bank right now because she is not open to you.

Last night on the way to bowling (one day after om dumped her on the phone and told here to work things out with me) I told her how confused I was about her choices because she was still contemplating whether she wanted to try to work on our marriage even though she knows the om doesn't want her. I told her I only saw 2 options. Work things out with me, save our marriage, save our family and start building trust with all of our outer family again or leave me and destroy everything. Our kids, she, I and all of both of our families would be devastated. She spoke as though she thought we were all out to get her. I told her we all want her love and that nobody will treat her badly because of what happened. I told her that we all believe she made a mistake-granted one of the worst you could make, but still just a mistake. I told her that I and all of my family want us to work this out and become stronger because of it. I told her it took a lot more courage to work it out than to run away. I also told her that the wife I had for the past 5 years would not be acceptable anymore and that I would expect more of her as well. I told her that she had to find a way to get past her communication road block that caused our problems in the first place and let me know what I can do to win her back. What is most important to her in her life? I told her I couldn't just keep hanging here while she couldn't promise to not contact him especially after he's asked her not to anymore. I told her that I cherish every minute we have together and that I probably would stay with her until he got here if that was the plan. I told her at least it would give her the oportunity to see the changes I'm making.<p>Anyway the short of it is that I did most of the talking and she wouldn't comment much. We got to bowling and she was very distant and sad. I told her to cheer up, smile a little. She said just give her a minute. For the next half hour this continued then out of the blue while we were both on the approach getting ready to bowl she said "I want financial security, a bigger house, not to have to work, and a baby. I said wow and gave her a big hug, kiss, and told her thank you. She told me she would try to not contact him again.<p>Monday afternoon I called the om to let him know of my wife opening up and to tell him that she will be going through a period of withdrawal where she may get angry with me and to ask him to stay away and give her time to get over it. I told him that every time she calls him or he calls her she has to start the process all over again and that wasn't fair to any of us. He told me he knows what they did was wrong and that he never meant to break up the family. He seemed very sincere. Then he told me that he had already spoken to her today. Apparently she was needing confirmation that it really was over. I think she was probably begging him to stay with her. He knows it's wrong and told her so. She knew I was talking to him and was very angry about it at first. She calmed down and got very sad. I asked her what was wrong and she said she couldn't talk to me about it. Would I please just leave her alone and let her be sad. She just lost her best friend, lover, and who she thought she would spend the rest of her life with.<p>I told her that I couldn't win (major LB damn it) I told her that if I win her back she will always have resentment toward me for taking him away from her but if I don't our family is destroyed. I also told her that I would not be able to trust her again until she was trustworthy. God I wish I wouldn't have said that. I was in so much pain just then. She didn't understand why I didn't understand her pain. I got defensive and told her she hasn't even acknowledged the pain she's caused me. Then she did but asked me to allow her to have hers. I told her I understood and backed off it.<p>All I can think of now is can I earn her respect and love back? I know I can do all of the things she said she needs (at the bowling alley) and more. But is that enough? She is still not fully committed to us and really see saws back and forth every hour. Sometimes I think she's close other times I think it's hopeless.<p>I'm still afraid it's too soon to plan B. She may not come back to me. But I don't think she has the strength to leave him completely yet either. This limbo sucks. I don't want to be the one she settled for. I told her I want her admiration and respect and to know that I'm the only one that matters to her. I'm confused. Is it posible for her to ever to see me in this way again? <p>I couldn't believe she called him the day after telling me she would try not to. Like I said though, I think she was making sure she didn't have a chance with him anymore. God that hurts. The rest of the night was pretty uneventful. I'll just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings I guess.<p>One other thing, should we tell the kids? My oldes (12) knows somethings wrong and has become very touchy feely with my wife. Almost like he feels he needs to help her. I'm afraid he thinks it's my fault that she's feeling the way she is. He's holding her hand everywhere they go, laying with her on the couch, etc. much more than he used to. I brought it up to her and she implied at first that I was accusing her of having inapropriate relations with her son. I got angry and told her not everything is about her and that I was only concerned for our son. She settled down and we talked about it. She doesn't think it's a problem. I think he's hurting inside and doesn't understand why. <p>Well that's enough for tonight, thanks everybody.

Jerod,<p>Hi! I am sorry to hear about your situation. Mine is similar to yours. I think that destroying him is not going to help you. I believe that will just make her more angry at you. How long have u been at Plan A? Maybe wife is used to having her cake and eating it too. Have you asked her to not have anymore contact with him? Ask her how she expects to move forword with you in this marriage but still cling to the past? I wish the WS would understand that after withdrawl is over things seem much clearer. I think that she cannot make it through the withdrawl from him, she weakens. Have you talked to her about that?

Happy New Year to you!!<p>A lot going on for you already this year. Patience, Patience, Patience something you better get real good at, she is going to wobble back and forth.<p>I would suggest a no contact letter, by either of them as you have already contacted OM, he could do it so that she sees it in writing.<p>Withdrawl will be difficult for your WW, she will need some help with that. Read everything that is on here and re read it again so that you will be able to understand what it is she is going through and the sequence of events as they will occur.<p>Perhaps you can do the EN questioniarre with your wife. Is she aware of MB Principals? Would she be willing to go to a MC with you?<p>I am happy for you, there is still along way to go, but the wheels are turning!!<p>Take Care Dawn<p>pretty funny how I ended up on the top of this page too!<p>[ January 01, 2002: Message edited by: daybreak ]</p>

Yesterday my wife told our kids about our plans for the future. Financial planning, bigger house, baby, and mom staying at home a year from now. This is a big commitment to the family, I think. We are truly on the road to recovery now. Tonight we are supposed to discuss our future plans in detail. Finances, trust, and expectations. How much should I detail about my expectations? Should I tell her everything I expect a great wife should be? Would it be a LB to make demands in this way? Is it too soon? Or should I use the radical honesty plan and tell her everything? I don't expect her to be perfect, who is? But I feel if I knew what a perfect husband was, maybe I could become closer to one. Would she feel the same way, or will she resent me for this?<p>Help quick, the talk is tonight.-Thanks all!