New to posting here, have been visiting past month or so. Brief history- married 6 yrs. High School sweethearts, married after 10yrs of dating (each other and others, back & forth). H was afraid to commit to marriage, but after being engaged 1yr we were married and have had what I thought was a wonderful marriage. Had infertility issues conceiving children. After having 1st child started trying right away for 2nd - this seems to be where H feels problems started. Took almost 2yrs to conceive 2nd child and we grew apart emotionally. 2nd child was born in August. His emotional affair started around this time. It was with a coworker and they had lunch dates and calls outside of work. I caught him in many lies and eventually snooped and found out. Affair appears to be over. He was going to quit his job to get away from her and at the last minute his manager transferred her(OW) to a different location across town (1/2 hr away, no future contact is likely at least at work). We have been seeing a marriage counselor who recommended this sight and concepts. Things appeared to be on track. We became aware of E needs and lovebusters and were working at it. We had a counseling session on 11/30 (went great) and that happened to be OW's last day at H's work. He swears they had not had contact and he was not upset she was leaving. After that day he has sunk into depression. States he does not know what will make him happy. Is not willing to meet my emotional needs. I am working my butt off to meet his (mostly lacking in SF due to recent birth of baby), but even he admits sex is better now than ever. I am a loss as to what to do now. He is tearing me up inside. It feels like we are back in college dating scene again with his uncertainty about us and if he will be happy with me. This has opened a lot of old wounds from before we were married. I asked him to stay at a hotel for few nights as him being here hurt me too much. He basically ignores me when he's here. He agrees some distance might do some good and make him "wake up". He called tonight and he told me he knows I'm doing everything I can. I suggested telephone counseling w/Steve, but he is unwilling to do IC. He says just give it some time apart. He left for 2 nights before Thanksgiving for similar reasons and he called every few hours and when he came home is when things got back on track. Do you think OW leaving work set him back again and he needs to go thru withdrawel? Could it be depression? I know he loves me and deep down wants to be happy in our marriage, but he doesn't know how to get happiness back. He says he doesn't want to keep hurting me and maybe being apart is better. Any thoughts are much appreciated.

Hi- I just wanted to add some encouragment to you- My H was also in an affair with a coworker this past year- his had ALOT of emotional involvement he said he was in love with her and out of love with me etc etc! This type of affair often has a LONG withdrawal and reconciliation time frame- I am glad I read Harley's book SURVIVING an AFFAIR which talked about this. My H even went so far as to file for divorce on me due to his depression and pressure from OW- at that point he finally broke down and agreed to go to marriage counseling with me. Our counselor urged us to STOP all physical involvement for awhile and just focus on communication and small things to make each other happy for awhile. He urged us not to make demands on each other, pressure for intimacy etc. This was sound advice- it took my H at least 2 mo to get his true feelings back for me and quit thinking so much about OW- he pined for her even though she had taken a job transfer to another state. Anyway its important that you give your H time and space now and I know how much you crave intimacy and affection but this will come in time if you are patient. lifeismessy

Hi, I am going through a similar situation. My husband became emotionally involved with a girl from work. We went through a couple sessions of couples counseling, but he had a setback after a long discussion with OW. He came home saying he was confused and didn't know what he wanted. Our counselor recommended individual counseling for both of us (I see her and he goes to her husband). We both had a day off last week and he was was extremely depressed. I believe he even tried to call the office (I saw the number on the phone when I pressed redial). He eventually went to talk to his brother-in-law who knows what is going on. He goes from being very affectionate to me to being angry that I am "pressuring" him. At one point he said he didn't do anything wrong and was going to do what was right for him, not what people tell him he should do. Later he said "shame on me" for believing everything he says because he is "screwed up" in the head right now. The next morning he woke up and was extremely apologetic and not to give up on him. He even called me at work to see if I was okay. We both have vacations scheduled between Christmas and New Years. I am praying things will go okay and he won't be angry and depressed because he isn't seeing her. He said he will do whatever the counselor recommends by way of ending all contact, etc. He said he isn't offering any guarantees but will work on our marriage. We start couples counseling again after Christmas and he told me there will be some things that will come out that will be very hard. He said he has learned of things he realizes he needs now that he wasn't aware of through the last 16 years of our marriage. I am terrified of finding out something devastating. He said there was nothing sexual between them, but I am so worried. I love him so much and am trying to learn as much as I can about what happened, why and how to repair it. I am not giving up on our marriage. Up until this incident, he has been the most wonderful husband and father I could ever ask for. It is extremely hard to hear some of the things he tells me when he is angry and confused, but reading all I can on this web site has helped me understand what he is going through just a little bit. I even recommended that he look at the site when he is ready in the hopes that he will see that what he is going through is a normal process when ending a relationship. I am sure it is very difficult with young children to care for. My children are teenagers and it has helped that they can occupy themselves when I am extremely depressed. Best of luck to you.

We had a counseling appt today. Counselor asked why he wouldn't do IC and what he thought was causing him to be depressed now, H didn't know what to say. Counselor had H leave room and just spoke to me. We talked about our dating patterns and me being the "pursuer" and him being the "withdrawer". His thoughts are that if I quit pursuing H will want to come back. H is still staying elsewhere and I am scared to death he will decide he's happier w/out me. He makes me mad though because he calls and says he misses me, but when I ask if he is ready to come home he says no and doesn't know when he will be ready. He called 3 times this morning and I asked why later today. He confessed I sounded so matter of fact and not upset he thought maybe I didn't really miss him. God!! He is so playing games, this is ridiculous!! Thanks to those who have replied, it is comforting to know other are going thru similar times. Can't anyone go to work and do their job anymore? It seems like every story here has to do with a coworker.