I saw the other control thread and a few things struck close to home.<p>My WW and I have talked and agreed that I pretty much overrode her on a lot of things. Regardless of whether it is the military in me, or from her low self esteem, or whatever caused it to be so one sided (and it was) I am working on overcoming that and in our phone conversations have asked and respected her opinions on things which are going on at home (even though she isn't physically here yet) and about our future. <p>We both have discussed the POJA and I for one am looking forward into putting it into action. I still find myself "taking the lead" on some of the dicussions and catch myself and ensure that she knows that I am just rambling on and throwing out ideas. In the past though those "ideas" became "THE PLAN". She states that she feels that I have changed in the areas we have discussed and I believe she knows (I have mentioned it but maybe I am mindreading) that
habits are sometimes hard to break because some of them we do unconsciously (especially as far as conversation goes).<p>So any suggestions on how to try to lose controlling habits? Speech patterns, etc.

If you tend to do most of the talking, FORCE yourself to allow for long silences in order to let your SO have a say as well. Be sure that you're having interactive conversation, and not just talking at her. Ask her what she thinks and let her have her say without feeling that you have to "counter" it...just listen. If you're constantly giving reason after reason for why your point of view is "right", then you can consider that as being over-justifying, and therefore possibly being guilty of LB'ing (disrespecful judgements).<p>Like it's been stated on this sight...if you find yourself thinking "I'm right and you're wrong", you're a step away from disaster! LOL...a little melodramatic, but you get the gist of it.<p>Like me, your wife has a lot of work to do on her "doormat syndrome", as I like to call it. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] We're unhappy with things, feel like we don't have a say in what happens (so of course say nothing), and build up resentment over it. That's not a healthy relationship. So...it's not just you...both you and your SO have some work to do as far as communicating with each other.

BUMP!!!<p>[ December 21, 2001: Message edited by: kevco- ]</p>

GVT,<p>for me the number one thing would have been for her to put the guard down, that she was insistant in the moment that what she was doing wasnt or isnt controlling or offensive is the biggest thing.<p>when i felt upset or controlled and would attempt to assurt the feeling she would lash out and become angered, most often when things cooled she would apologize and we could discuss things, she got that so everything is my fault attitude and that would send me sinking back into being controllable because i was afraid of not pleasing her.<p>so the number one thing for me was the admission of the behavior and that it affected me whether it was INTENDED or not.<p>and practice silence and mirroring, when she says something dont respond until youve restated as closely as possible what she has said. and ask her to do the same, youll be amazed at what she hears you say, and she will be amazed at what she has said. only when youve establish what was actualy said and meant, then state your answer or position. then repeate the mirror so that you know it was recieved well.<p>i know it sound labor intensive but i do it with almost everyone now out of habit and i am really much much clearer about every relationship i have now not just the one with my wife.

Controlling behavior discussions seem to run high in the case of a WW. Just my observations at home and from these boards. Not sure why. I just do not see that as a big complaint from a WH. Any opinions?<p>I agree with the silence portion of the other posts. Sometimes when discussion or attempting to discuss anythi9ng with my wife, I'll go 5 minutes waiting for her to make a noise. I joking tell myself "if silence was golden, I'd be a rich man at this point" (LOL).<p>In my case, with a WW. The secrecy and privacy of the EMA seemed to amplify the WW view of controlling behavior. I personally did not think that finding the truth or not accepting a blatantly ridiculous lie as controlling. My definition of controlling was anything that I told WW what/how/when which I did my best to avoid. <p>HI

What she probably means by "control" isn't necessarily truth-gathering techinques, but her feeling that she doesn't have a "say" or a "voice" in the relationship...she may feel like she has no control over decisions that affect both of them. My SO had "control" because ultimately my opinion about something only mattered and had any effect whatsoever if HE AGREED WITH IT...it HE saw it as right.<p>This would all be well and good if it went both ways...but it didn't. I had no say in his opinions...by golly if he was right, he was RIGHT. It was like, because I couldn't "argue my case" well enough, or "say it the right way"...my point of view became invalid. I started to feel neglected and taken for granted.<p>That's probably what's meant by control in this case...but I don't know for sure, of course...it's just what it sounded like. Just my $.02 from my own personal experiences.<p>[ December 20, 2001: Message edited by: TowardsTheFuture ]</p>