My wife and I have been married for 6 1/2 years. During the course of our marriage my wife discovered that I was indulging in pornography, mainly magazines and videos. I would beg her forgiveness and promise not to view pornography again. Unfortunately, I failed to keep that promise on numerous occasions. I have now hit rock bottom after this last blowup with my wife. I am currently in therapy to get over my addiction to porn. This addiction has been going on for the past 26 years. I have not viewed any porn or masturbated for the past 6 months, which is a record for me. I am continuing theraphy and am proud of the progress that I have made. Unforturnately, I have destroyed all the trust that my wife had in me. She feels that my involvement with porn is the same as having affairs. I say that an affair is when you are emotionally and physically involved with another person other than your spouse. I do know that it is a sin to get sexual gratification outside of your marriage but I do not believe I had affairs. She is threatening to have an actual physical affair with someone to get back at me. My wife says she will never be able to trust me again. She refuses to go to marriage counseling with me. I want to save the marriage. I love my wife very much. I would appreciate any input from anyone who has been in my situation or any women whose husbands were in my shoes. Thanks.<p>[ December 22, 2001: Message edited by: Kalakaka ]</p>

Well, maybe technically it's not an affair but:

• This problem caused you to withhold at least some sexual fulfillment from your wife.
• Because you did not get all of your own sexual fulfillment from your wife, you were probably not motivated to fulfill her other emotional needs.
• There have been betrayals of trust, when you promised to stop and then lapsed.

So there are many elements of an affair present. This is probably why your wife threatens an unhealthy revenge affair; you don't seem to quite get it.<p>What I suggest is that you stop trying to make this distinction and rationalization with her. It will not help either of you.<p>Also treat this like a recovery period from an affair where you are the wayward spouse. No contact with porn, which you've done for 6 months and that's great. But also, constant and proactive reassurance to her, sustained over a period of time. You might have to do that for months more before she begins to believe you. And then you have to keep it up forever.

An affair - emotional or physical involves a compulsion to return to that stimulation. It doesn't have to be a face-to-face person. People do it over the phone, over the internet and via pictures. And if you promised to leave the porn alone and you broke that promise, you can count on the power of that relationship you have with those non-specific women to be just as compelling as any affair.<p>I'm married to an addict in recovery. I have been through inappropriate emotional attachments where he has been unable/unwilling to leave people, places and things that he knew were destructive to him.<p>The fact is, whether or not you believe pornography is bad, if your wife feels that looking at it is being unfaithful to her, that's the only opinion that matters.

I'm married to a man who was involved with pornography for a number of years. He did the same thing as you...I'd bring up how much it bothered me and hurt me and that I wanted him to stop...he said he was sorry and would stop for a little while and would go right back to the porn. It progressed on to phone sex, cybersex and online porn use.<p>I won't trust my husband again, at least not in the way I trusted him when we got married. You've lied to her, repetitively. You've basically had an affair with yourself. <p>I agree with what tmmx and KaylaAndy have said also. I do not think that a revenge affair on your wife's part or even threateneing it is the right answer though. Keep in mind that she is ripe for having an affair and it's very important to read as much as you can here at marriagebuilders. Get the books, His Needs, Her Needs and LoveBusters. I also recommend Surviving an Affair. All of these books are available for purchase here on the website. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html<p>Good luck,<p>Bluebird

I am a WS that had multiple affairs. I tell you this because it started out as watching porn videos and reading mags. It progressed into cyber sex(spent countless hours on computer during day). It all ended with me meeting 2 woman on the internet and sleeping with them in our house. SO YES, these are considered affairs in my book. My marriage has blown up in my face just recently because I thought I could handle this problem on my own. People here told me to read "Out of the Shadows-understanding Sexual addiction". It is an excellent book and has shown me I have a bigger problem than I can handle on my own. I am starting therapy in 2 weeks. I know what you are thinking when you think about watching porn but something more powerful(so it seems) takes over in your head and you do it anyway.
We all make choices. Unfortunately some of us make choices that really hurt the ones we love. We made the choice to repeat our offense even when we knew the consequences. I suggest keep earning her trust back by not watching porn and keep up the therapy. Reassure her you love her and do the marriage builders concepts to begin recovery and become closer. <p> You are in my prayers......cajunky

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I will continue my therapy and I will never stop trying to regain my wifes trust regardless of how long it takes.