I am trying the best plan A I can do. My wife is out of the country visiting her family until 1/2/02. For the most part I am alone in all of this because I don't want the whole family knowing about her affair. If that happens for sure she won't come back to the marriage. So now I am faced with spending Christmas for the most part alone. I don't feel like going out for New Years.
My problem is that the tears just come without me really thinking any more. I feel like I have been so betrayed by someone who said they loved me and they said I do just 1.5 years ago. I can't stop the tears. Everyone and including my wife says I am a strong person that I can get through this. Doesn't she realize I am human and I bleed just like everyone else.
I am keeping my self so busy but if I just have 1 minute to stop and think. Well then it hits me like boom. I can't stay busy the entire time I am awake. Also I am having nightmares when I sleep.
I am just a walking emotional mess. I don't go back to the counselor until 12/26/01. Next week I am off of work. I don't know how I am going to do this. I just feel like curling up and just crying my eyes out.
I can't really tell anyone the true details because then they will judge me different for trying to make our marriage work out. I haven't told anyone about her affair or her getting high with her co-workers. My two best friends are my brother and my wifes brother. I want to tell somebody all this pain that my wife has caused me. But I know if I do that it can ruin the chances of my wife returning to the marriage.
I feel so betrayed and alone right now. I don't know how I am going to pick myself off of the floor and keep going. I don't care what anyone says this is the worst thing another human being can do to one besides killing them. This is like a slow death.
Any advice on how to keep going? I am reading book after book. I have read Fall In Love, Stay In Love. Wife has it doubt she will read it. I am now reading His Needs, Her Needs. Next I will read Marriage Insurance. I am reading through the books in about 2-3 days.
I just want some answers on why she is doing this. I can't think any more on why she is doing what she is doing because it hurts me. I have heard the phrase a door mat. Well how do you not be a door mat without making any LB's?
It is like I need to see my counselor everyday which isn't possible. With time I seem to be getting worse because my feelings seem to be hurt more and more by what she does and says...
Can anybody bring my wife home for me for Christmas?

Wow, CG, I don't think any of us here can't relate to the pain. But just flow with it, don't try to push it aside, pain is pain is pain. Why don't you feel you can talk to your brother? Is this protection for your wife that you keep this all to yourself or protection of you? Everyone needs someone they can turn to in times when hurt is too great to bear alone.

Oh CG I am so sorry. I do know your pain. I was basically incompasatated for 2 weeks after I found out. The intense pain was overwhelming. <p>Go ahead and give in to the tears. Lay down on your bed and cry your heart out. Scream if you need to. Beat a pillow. Let it all out. It will hurt like hell, but after a while the tears will slow. You may fall asleep and wake up feeling shaky, but we have to allow ourselves to feel the pain at some point. We can't walk around all the time denying ourselves the right to just FEEL the pain. It's there and its real. You are alone now. It's the best time to get all of this out. She wont hear you, she wont think your weak. I think this part of it must be hardest on you guys. It's OK for us women to cry and get emotional, but everyone expects you to just suck it up. You don't have too, its OK to let it out.<p>Keep posting here. We are here for you and want so very much to help you get through this. <p>Take Care of Yourself!!!
Needing

You may try to see a clergy. You can pretty much go to them every day and talk with them. You may try one that you knew when you were growing up. You could be more comfortable talking to them and besides they know all the stuff you did as a kid anyway. <p>Seriously it is hard and I know you are hurting. You have to take it one day at a time , one hour at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. Falling apart will help noone.
My suggestion for now is this. Look at all the pieces of your life currently going on. Family, marriage, work, etc. Find the ones that you have control over (your wife is not one of these) and pick up the pieces that you can control and that matter the most and stop picking up the pieces when you can't handle anymore. I hope this makes sense but try it. Only take on what you can handle right now. You have to work and pay the bills. Take care of children if there are any.<p>As for your wife you can't control her and it is unlikely if she is using drugs that she can control herself. Realize this and go from there.<p>Good luck

Hi CG ....<p>I know precisely what you're feeling. There aren't words to decribe it.<p>I'm so sorry. Like the rest, I think you should allow yourself to cry, scream, pull your hair out, whatever it takes. Holding it all in will only allow it to fester, not healthy.<p>I know you're trying to stay busy so you won't have to think about it , but there comes a time when you need to grieve for the loss of innocence of your marriage. <p>I'm spending Christmas alone too. I have no family to speak of. My H left me for an OW that he had a child with, after 20 years together and he abandoned me here in the NW, where I moved just to be with him and his family. I'm frightened too. But I know I can do it. I know there will come a time I will be stronger for it, a better person for it. <p>I can imagine you're in terrible shock still. I remember how I was, it took me approx 3 mos to even start really eating and sleeping. And when I did sleep, like you, I had hilacious nightmares. It felt like I was caught up in a horrible nightmare and couldn't escape. <p>You should go to your doc's and get anti-deps, CG. You really do need them. It's the only sane way to make it thru this craziness.<p>Please keep posting ... we're here for you. You are in my prayers.<p>Love,
Jo

Hi Cg,<p>You do need to speak to someone. About the fact that others may be judging, don't plan your life around their reaction. If you need help, you need to get it for you. <p>If you need to talk to someone here, let the group know. Someone may be available. Just let us know. Remember that we are not professionals, so you may want to enlist their help also. <p>I am sorry for your pain but I do understand your feelings. Know this, the intensity of what you are feeling is temporary and will subside to a point where you can handle it better. Until then, get help. OK?<p>L.

OK, guy, this is another guy talking. I've been in your despair. If I can survive it, you can. Read my signature line for how much worse it can be. On the first anniversary of my son's death and two months after d-day I remember thinking I was gonna just die any second. I called a work mate to come over and I called a close Aunt across the country. I had gone from a healthy 150 pounds to 120 in just a few weeks. The end of the world was at hand.<p>But here I am 16 months later trying to help you. You can do it, too.<p>Get yourself to a doc, pronto, to be evaluated for depression. Don't be ashamed, this is a sign of strength. If you feel you can't take another breath, go to a hospital emergency room and just start saying what you said above. They'll know what to do.<p>Talk to your brother. Talk to your wife's brother. Tell them your concerns about her finding out they know but do it anyway. Of course she doesn't want anyone to know - she knows it's wrong. They will understand because they will see your pain. Trust me.<p>Keep talking to us.<p>[ December 20, 2001: Message edited by: worthatry ]</p>

HI, I am sorry you are going through ths... it does get better... I was there sept 15 and on from there to now... My H actually told me and moved out on the same day... OH MY G. It was awful... we have 2 kids. I tried to schedule grieving a bit later... like laying in my bed , holding my pillow and crying I gave myself 2 times a day , 2 hours a day to think abou t it and cry... I tried the rest of the day to function... Listen to sad songs etc... but to make yourself feel even better THINK ABOUT HOW BAD SHE IS BEING>.. and get a little mad.. but plan A it... I have heard some silly ideas like throwing darts at a picture of your ws, etc... maybe just think about how wrong it is. GO TO CHURCH, try to do your plan a the best you can, you are lucky she is only out of town and has not moved out.. do some nice things for her... send her a card, have a nice suprise waiting for her when she returns.. I used to, and still do sometimes pretend my H is on a business trip, etc... and that everything is still the same.. I am in markeging and sales... and sometimes acting like everything is ok, will even convince your spouse... kind of like making a sale...??? I know that sounds kind of silly, but help her see you as the lvoing spouse she wants... You have a lot to hope for... get involved in churchl... there are sunday school... adult education classes... etc. and there will be midnight masses. etc. try to find some friends to go and do these types of things, or things that you enjoy together... don't be too sad and not even get out... that will make it worse... go for some antidepressants... I am on efexxor and I really like it... it just helps me feel better. I will pray for you. I bet things will work out, keep your chin up. Some people sd to me it will work out either way... since if it doesn't you will find someone to love you better... but hopefully if you plan a and love her back to you... she will be greatful to have the gem of all gems that you the spouse willing to work with her and overcome this sort of betrayal are. <p>Take care of you. hugs, l

confused guy, these folks are too busy venting on me to help you it seems so I'll speak to you not as the OW but as someone who lived through a lost love. It would be easier to say what I want to say by telling you that what I just said on my last post - under my name "hailey" under the topic "for hailey" well, just go look at it. It's about what my dad told me about life, about love and about letting go and living. I'm sorry your having to go through this at the holidays - that must be the hardest time to have to face in this situation. Anyway, my dad is a wise old man - I've remember that and used if for years now - I'll share it with you - look under the "for hailey post"

confused guy, these folks are too busy venting on me to help you it seems so I'll speak to you not as the OW but as someone who lived through a lost love. It would be easier to say what I want to say by telling you that what I just said on my last post - under my name "hailey" under the topic "for hailey" well, just go look at it. It's about what my dad told me about life, about love and about letting go and living. I'm sorry your having to go through this at the holidays - that must be the hardest time to have to face in this situation. Anyway, my dad is a wise old man - I've remember that and used if for years now - I'll share it with you - look under the "for hailey post"

Hi CG,<p>May I please borrow your thread? Just for a moment.<p>Hailey,
You are over 1 hour late and behind 7 other responses. Not everyone is spending time on your thread. Your thread could be interesting but for me a bit redundant. There are those trying to help you understand and most of it are thoughts shared before. Some appreciate it and others don't. So don't think we are spending all our time on your thread. <p>Some of us may be taking time from our break at work, lunch, soap opera/Oprah time, etc. to write to you but other than that we are pretty busy. You see, we all have lives that have been basically turned upside down and trying to restore them to a bit of normalacy. If you think we are all wasting our time here, remember that no one is hold on to you. We can't control what you think say and do right? <p>Have a nice day.
L.
The hideous W.

confused_guy,<p>I know you feel like you can't go on, but don't give up. You will get through this. However, you HAVE to talk to someone regularly while you are struggling just to hang on.<p>You have gotten some really good advice. Listen to worthatry - a guy's point of view. My sister talked to me when she thought she couldn't stand it anymore. My son talks to me now about his pain. You need someone to validate that what you are feeling is justified, expected under the circumstances, and will get better in time.<p>I know that your W may be upset, but we're talking about your emotional survival here. YOU ARE IMPORTANT. Talk to your family. If you need to, tell them that your conversations are confidential. Teach them about MB and what you plan to do (plan A, etc.)so they can avoid love busting your WW when she returns.<p>Like honey said, go to church, any church if you don't have one of your own. Talk to the minister.
Talk to God. <p>And please keep posting here. If you can't reach a friend, come here day or night. Someone will be here to talk to you.<p>Is it possible that you could do some volunteer work with the homeless or at a hospital on Christmas? You would be helping others in need and keep your mind off being alone.<p>{{{confused_guy}}}, you don't deserve this. <p>We care,
Estes

I am sorry you are here. I ditto the part about the pain - there is no quickfix - you just gotta feel it and cry. AntiD's will helps some though -have you talked to your counselor about that? You have a lot on your plate. <p>I think you should tell someone close to you about the affair. You didn't do anything wrong - she did. You say if that happens she won't come back to the marriage but I am not so sure. I think I hid my H affairs for to long. Finally it got to the point we where counseling with a Pastor and he was assuring us how confidential this was. And I said "I don't care if you post it in the church bulletin". When the A was out in the open somehow it became more real to him the pain he was causing. I just think if people know they can either talk some sense into her or just the fact they know may open her eyes to the humilation. My H wrote a no contact letter to OW and cc: all our friends and family because he recognized the pain he caused did not just effect me. <p>2 more books I can recommend that I hear everyone here talking about which I think I will go buy tonight: Surviving an Affair and Torn Asunder. <p>Make sure you are getting enough sleep - I took sleeping pills for an entire year to help me sleep through the night. <p>Remember Anger is not a LB - it is how you express your anger. This is a safe place though, be sure you come here and LB all you want, express it with sarcasm, express it with vulgar words, whatever. Get it out of you.

Confused Guy -
Don't have much more to add, except to give you a giant cyber hug
(((((((((((((Confused Guy))))))))))))))))))
and to let you know we do understand the absolute gut wrenching pain you are enduring. You are wise to keep busy, but when you need to cry, vent, spew - DO IT!! (Safely please). Just do your best - whatever that may be, from day to day.

cg,<p>Bless your heart. Many of us here have been through this despair so please keep talking to us. I do wish you would talk to your brother and tell him whats going on. You desperately need to talk to someone who cares about you and loves you right now. Keep your chin up, it will get better and you will live through this. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hey dude--
Just a hello from someone you don't know, but someone who hears you, and cares. Like many said above, go ahead and let the pain roll on in and out. If you are one who imbibes from time to time, pick yourself up a nice bottle o' sumpin sumpin and have a few sips. <p>Some words, which are only words, but they're all I can give:
1.)You are definitely not alone<p>2.)Times of crisis require strong measures--you have the right to make yourself feel better. Smile at some hot babes. Hang out at a local club and dance by yourself. Make freaky faces at yourself in the mirror. Get ten good movie videos and lock yourself in the safety of your house. Answer the door for no one. Go out and hang with some bums(it can be a blast).

3.)Dontcha ever think the whole world is partying without you. It doesn't work like that. There are little festive uprisings out there, but not one big party. In fact, you have the chance to embrace the whole world more than anyone.<p>4.)If I were there, I'd hang with ya, dude<p>5.)Get yourself a little christmas cat. We just got one and it's impossible to not laugh at her.<p>6.)Life will get better, man, and I mean MUCH better. This is just a little setback. Make some bigass plans; really grandiose ones. Think large. <p>7.)Ever had a long island iced tea? They are total mind erasers. My favorite. I'm gonna salute ya with the very next one I have.<p>You're ok, bro. She dug ya once, and she'll dig you again. And since she dug ya, then that means
you ain't some hunchbacked, clubfooted, glass-eyed, hook-handed, drooling, hermaphrodite (no offense if you are--I'd still hang with ya). You
will ove again, with or without her. I got faith in ya.<p>Peace be with you, my next T is to you.

I am sorry you are feeling so bad CG, please do let it out, cry, grieve, but don't let yourself into that ditch.<p>We care for you and we are here. Any help I can give I'll gladly offer, as little as my experience is.<p>Go talk to someone you trust, so what if it will bring the A out of the dark? She cannot keep that secret forever and I am sure you could confide on your best friend. Just tell them that you need of them to keep it quiet because you love your wife and you don't want to damage the chances left on your marriage.<p>Sometimes a friendly hand and shoulder to cry on do a lot. Please don't cry all alone, at least you've got us to try to pick you up.

I know I am a guy but in all of this the tears keep coming. This is going on 8 weeks and every day it gets harder and harder. I am having a hard time not breaking down at work or where ever I am at. I put my entire life into my wife. Now she has suck the life out of me. I haven't told anyone besides the counselor because she said it would be wise not to tell anyone yet. She told me that if my wife does choose to work on the marriage that it will make the road to recovery a little easier for both of us. I am going to try and hold out until my wife returns. If she is still as cold then as she is now I don't think I can hold out any more.
If someone could just erase my memory I would be ok. But I sit at night in the house that we built together. We picked everything out in it together. We have pictures all over the place. Everything I see just keeps bringing up memories.
If I only had one wish in the world I would use it on asking for a chance for my wife and I to work it out. Her own family is telling me to let her go that she isn't good enough for me. I keep saying that is easier said then done. My heart aches so bad.
I just hope that she may come back and is truly willing to work on the marriage. I don't think any of us in this world deserve this.
Thanks for all the support and the advice. I am sure I am not done crying yet.

Lordy, EasyE ... LMAO! Who the heck are you???<p>I'm sorry CG for crashing this thread ... but I'm LMAO waaaaayyyyy alot at EasyE.<p>Life is like mowing the Lawn???<p>Jo<p>[ December 20, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

cg...listen to EazyE...<p>I remember those tears at 8 weeks...My WS moved out...these kind people helped me through...<p>My WS and I just went to Vegas...we drove and it was raining a bit...I was dozing when he jabbed at my shoulder...I looked up at a HUGE rainbow...we kept driving towards the rainbow...it got bigger and closer and bigger and closer and at one point it 'disappeared' but I knew I was at the 'end' of the rainbow...I got shivers...a feeling of peace came over me...<p>After your tears...I wish you a rainbow.
Cali