I am new to this site but after reading many of the posts I am convinced that this is where I need to be. I am the WS and very ashamed to admit so. It is very difficult for me to reach out to anyone as I have been let down so many times. That is partly what led to the A. I kept so many things bottled up and never dealt with things because I never wanted anyone to know my "dirty laundry". My H always seemed to shut me out when I would try to talk to him about my EN until I finally gave up trying. I am trying to deal with all the pain that led up to me having the A while my H is dealing with the pain because of the A. He also feels so much guilt because he knows that he is partly to blame because of how he neglected and ignored my EN.
I guess what I am here for is find other women who were the WS that understand where I am coming from and that I can share my grief so I can get on with recovery. My H is in too much pain to be able to carry mine too. We have both put each other through alot.
Please help me to heal!<p>kz

Hugz...kz...I am not a WS...but I hear your pain and wanted you to know that someone was thinking about you.<p>Welcome to MB. Read the basic concepts...get further explanation in the Harley's books..."Surviving An Affair," "His Needs/Her Needs," and "LoveBusters."<p>There are posts in the "Just Found Out" forum which explain the acronyms and have tips for beginners and a general welcome.<p>Many who post here are BS (betrayed spouse), but there are also WSs who will understand your pain...<p>Good Luck on your journey to yourself.<p>Cali

Thnx Cali for the response. I truly want my marriage to work and I know that my H and I are meant to be together.
We have already read "His Needs Her Needs". Our pastor gave it to us when we were counselling with him. It shed a lot of light on the issues for us.
There is some irony to our timelines. My H and I have been together 15 yrs-M 14. D-day was 04/25/01 and we also have 3 boys(12-9-6). We are both very committed to making this work but we each have our own hurdles to overcome.
Thnx again for the warm welcome.

kz - I think you are definitely in the right place. This is a great resource to gain some knowledge and insight into what makes WS' tick. I too am (ashamedly) a WS and I can totally relate to what you wrote. My husband also was big on neglecting my needs and I bottled it all up and stopped voicing my needs and unfortunately got them met somewhere else. I deeply regret what happened and often wonder if things will ever be great between us again. My d-day was June, 2000. I immediately relaized I had made a terrible mistake and wanted nothing more than to be with my husband. Things were extremely hard for us and ultimately we separated in May of 2001. We are still separated but "dating" and trying to work our way back to each other. I feel your pain and can totally relate if you ever want to just vent some of it to me. I wish you luck in your journey - it's a rollercoaster of emotions - but I still believe things can be much better in the end.

I'm in the same boat as you.<p>There's an article on this site called "Why do women leave"? Well, similar to that, at least. They should change it to "Why do women leave and/or in some cases have affairs"? The reason seems the same for us, doesn't it? Neglect. Our emotional needs were neglected.<p>The next question is...why? Why were they neglected? I think it's because I let them be neglected...because I didn't take a stand and demand better for myself. So why didn't I do it? It goes back to self-esteem and communication issues.<p>I'm right there with you. I think the key to better relationships (at least, for me) is feeling better about myself. I guess we just have to take it a day at a time...look for something good in every day. "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time".<p>If you're interested, you can e-mail me at JennMitama@yahoo.com if you ever want to talk. Take care [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

{{{{kz}}}}},
You have come to the right place. No one is more loved here than a FWS (former wayward spouse) who is truly repentant and want to recover their M. Much prayers and love coming your way. I think the single most important thing that you need to remember is that recovering a marriage is a process, not an event. Give it time. You will have wonderful days; and you will have very painful days. You and your H will have many feelings to work through and overcome. Read (and if your H will read it, have him read it to) Surviving and Affair. It helps BOTH parties after and affair has occurred. I am so encouraged when I see someone on the site who wants to recover and keep the family unit in tact. Unfortunately, my H is not one of those. I will pray for you and your H to become closer and to both be understanding of each other's feelings during this very delicate time.<p>PEACE,<p>MOM

kz,<p>I am a FWW and I can really relate to your post. I tried for many years to communicate to my H that some of my EN's were not being met. Over time, this made me weak and vulnerable to having an A. <p>I completely regret every moment of it and feel very quilty about my behavior. Right now, I am trying to educate myself by being here at MB and I am trying to better myself for my H and M (hoping and praying my H will re-commit). <p>I am here to help you if you need someone to talk to. Good luck.

kz,<p>Welcome. I think you have every reason to hope for a healing in your M because both you and your H seem willing accept responsibility for your roles in the state of your marriage. Read the information here and post to us. We are here to help.<p>Estes

Kz,
Welcome! You have come to the right place...this site is full of wonderful, wise people willing to share their knowledge and experiences to help the rest of us.
I, too, am the WW and know some of what you are feeling...the guilt, the shame, the anger at yourself...
I urge you to seek individual/marriage counseling. And talk, talk, talk to your husband. Communication, imo, is the key to keeping a marriage healthy.<p>We are here for you. We care.<p>One caution, tho, most of the people here are here to help but some will not always be kind to you as a WS...take it with a grain of salt. Don't let them run you off (they almost did me in the first week I was here)--you'll be denying yourself one of the best sounding boards available for this situation. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

KZ,
Welcome! I'm not a WS but I can surely relate. With the exception of knowing you want to rebuild your M, you could be my W. <p> I can relate to the pain your H is going through. If he's anything like me, the guilt he feels due to his shortcomings is eating him alive. I've grown to really dislike the term "betrayed spouse" I've come to believe that, in many respects, my betrayal was just as hurtful. <p> I wish you the best of luck, you've certainly come to the right place to rebuild. If the will is there, you can make it happen. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank you all for your warm welcome. I am amazed at the responses. I want my marriage to work more than anything and so does my husband. The hardest part is working through all of the things that led to the A because if we don't resolve those issues then we are still in the same place we were before the A.
I am dealing with such a range of emotions that I don't know where to begin. I never NEVER thought I would ever be unfaithful to my H. I was committed to loving him through anything. Little did I know how all the pain I had experienced had left me weak and reaching for anything to ease or cover the pain - much like an alcoholic or drug addict.
When I was in the A it was like a euphoric high that masked the pain. But the high was short lived. So much of the time when I was in the A is a blur - I thought of no one but myself. I neglected my H and our 3 sons - didn't care about anything that happened in their lives - only cared about myself and what I was feeling at the moment.
At times the guilt and shame are so overwhelming that it is hard to hold my head up. I still can't believe that I actually had the A - it feels like it was someone else. I love my H and despise myself for causing his pain and yet at times am angry for the pain that he put me through that left me in the emotional state that I was. I also have the double whammy of being the OW and that eats me up. She did nothing to me - in fact I have never seen her. I do know however that she was pregnant and had their child about 3 weeks before d-day.
When my H found out he made me call OM's house and tell his W what we had done. I did not want to do it but he said that I had to to prove I loved him(H). OM's W didn't believe me and responded with the "not my husband" line. I feel sorry for her and guilty at the same time. I honestly want to apoligize to her but I also don't want to cause any trouble.
After reading a lot of posts here I finally was able to open up to my H and admit to things that he wanted to know. Things that I didn't want to tell him because I knew that they would hurt. When I told him last night it was amazing. Although it hurt it actually helped more in healing. He now knows that I am not holding back anything and that I am being open and honest with him.
It is such a comfort to come to this place. I don't feel alone knowing that there are other people who have experienced the same things. Thank you all so much!<p>kz

kz,<p>Have you read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley? If he is willing, your H should read it too. It is an important, helpful book.<p>In the meantime, read all the info on the main web site here. There is a treasure trove of wisdom that will help both of you learn what led you to the place you are now in your marriage. <p>When you have questions, just ask.<p>Wishing you and your husband well,
Estes

Kz,<p>I am glad you and your H were able to share that info. Your journey is not over. Don't stop the progress. You both still need support in recovery. See if you both can setup a session with either Steve or Jennifer or a local counselor. <p>Delayed reaction, triggers, anxiety attacks happen to many and not always right away. <p>I am not writing to scare you just to help you and your H be prepared. Your steps forward may take a few back. Don't let that stop your progress. Both of you can vent here as needed. There are several couples that post here together and individually. <p>Take Care,
L.

Hi kz,
Gosh, this makes me feel awful for having my little pity party for myself last night, at about the same time you were looking for comfort! One good thing about your post, it's surfaced the other WaywardSpouses... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>When I read your story, it was hauntingly similar to my own. Years of marriage, years of begging for my husband for the attention I needed, and then years of becoming numb, going through the motions, until I had become vulnerable and weak, and then the smallest thing being the straw that broke the camel's back, so to say.<p>Sounds like the one thing better for you though, is that you realized your mistake a lot quicker than I did. It took me a year of wallowing in "me me me" before I actually felt the strong pull of God. Wow, now that's another experience in itself!!<p>So, what I described, is that similar to what you went through too? You have company, right here! We will be here to throw a rope to help ya climb out. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] It sounds like you've already started on your journey, but it's a long ride, and there can be detours (love busters) along the way. Just hang in there!<p>If you haven't already, here's the link to get started reading all the info under "Infidelity." That was the best reading I have gone through on this site. <p>Infidelity<p>Hope you stay with us!

kz,
The person you need to talk to most is your H. I am wishin my WW would tell me all the things that are going on in her mind right now. She feels like it would be hurting me to tell me the truth. I beleive it would actually help us break through the barrier that kept us from gaining true intimacy. I guess the non ability to be totally honest and trusting each other with that honesty was part of what caused our problems. good luck.

Thanks to everyone for their responses - it has been overwhelming. It is nice to come here and get the support I need.
My H and I have been able to communicate quite well - at least after the shock has worn off. At first everything was so raw it was all we could do to get theough the day. It has been 8 mo since d-day and things are better now. We are able to talk more about the future we want together rather than dwelling on what has happened in the past.
I have ordered "Surviving an Affair" and cannot wait until it comes. My H has agreed to read it with me.
I want so much to reassure my H that he is a wonderful man and that because he failed in certain areas does not mean he is a failure. I take full responsibility for what I have done but I also want him to know that for me to do what I did I had to have been in a lot of pain. And not all of it was directly related to him - there are issues regarding my self-esteem that go back to childhood. I am planning on seeing a counselor after the first of the year to get past all of that.
This site is wonderful. I feel so much love and support from all who have responded. I have felt lonely most of my life and tried to carry everything myself. I found out that I can't do that and it is great to know that you are all here to help share the load.<p>kz

Kz & your H,<p>Enjoyed reading your last post. Wishing you and your H well and looking forward to hearing of your recovery progress. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take Care,
L.