WHAT TO DO NOW?????-
Hi seem to have posts in different places (fairly new to bb so thought it might be better to start again-
H and I sep. Aug 00- conf to A. OW moved in with H March 01. M 30yrs. 3 Grown-up kids.Nov,H wanted House sold, I got solicitor--so did he. Did all wrong things before found board,me who begged him to move OW out of village. Kids refuse to have any contact til OW ended. I believe H is having MLC classic case from all I have read here* even to red sports car. Been dark for 2 mths but sent email card few days ago-had reply card with thinking of u all at C,mas as always. Said he had been ill coudn,t haddle my letters pushed him to edge--doesn,t want confrontations over ph. so by not contacting me he has been able to manage his own sanity and give me space. WHAT TO THINK AND DO NOW-I beg,pleaded,cried- O/D,d several times hospital etc- but coping better now started yoga H family have no contact with us as can see no wrong in Son, can,t take sides etc, lunched with them 4 wks after OW moved in we found that hard to swallow.Been tog, all our lives, grew up tog. Want to save my marriage! H says loves us all BUT in love with OW. (OW D many yrs ago 2kids son lives with his dad since split, OW gave her D her Rented house when she left to be with my H. She also had lots of As with MM but never left for them. I knew her worked as barmaid/school dinner lady at school I work at. all knew about A befor me- made no secret of fancying my H infact we H&I used to joke about it. Truly blieve we grew apart as kids left he had Stress at work job change after 25yrs,NEVER susp OW. SHE even asked me if I could do her dinner duty one day so she could meet my H for day out! (I am not D/Lady) but had helped her out in past. At a loss how to continue H asked that I do not email him, and told him I will not contact him again but when he is ready to talk I am here. Do you think its guilt, light at end of tunnel??? He is not a bad man but do not know him now.SORRY THIS IS LONG BUT DESPERATE FOR ADVISE-NEED to do right thing after all other mistakes. PLEASE READ AND REPLY.Thanks NAEJ

Hi Naej,<p>I wrote to you on the Women's Bible Study site last night and am glad you are over here. Have you had a chance to look at the basic concepts info at the top? The emotional needs questionnaire is good to take. <p>You may need some time to let this info settle with you. Your emotions may be running high and anxiety attacks could even come into play now. <p>Read what you can at a pace you can handle. Ask all the questions you want and if you can see a doctor & counselor soon, they may be able to help you. <p>Take Care and welcome to MB. <p>L.

Welcome to GQII,<p>As Orchid said, your best first steps include gathering information and seeking help from a doctor and/or counselor if you think you need them.<p>Right now you are probably feeling so overwhelmed that things might look hopeless. Your situation is NOT hopeless, naej. However, working through this will take time. There is no need to push for a quick resolution of your situation. Your H is not in a place now where he is receptive to you. For now, leave him to ponder his choices and work on ways to help yourself regain you self-confidence and strength of will.<p>Your H has made some very cruel choices, but the truth is that the problem that caused the affair is within him. You did not cause the affair. I hope you can believe that. Yes, there may have been problems in your marriage, but you did not cause the affair.<p>It sounds to me that your H is feeling very guilty. It is clear from what you say that his choice to leave the family is causing him great stress. It sounds like he is having difficulty coping. As time passes, let's hope he sees the damage he has done.<p>Please read about Plan A on the main site. It is about how to become a stronger person capable of providing for Hs emotional needs that he may be letting OW meet instead of you. It teaches you that you will be OK with or without H. At this point with H in denial, your best plan is to work on you. Eventually, he may come to the point
where he is willing to work on your M.<p>I am really sorry that you and your children are having to go through this. Please remember that this is his failing, not yours. Let us help you through this. For now, go to the main site and read there. It will really help you understand what is happening.<p>Take care,
Estes

naej,
I live in England, Why do u ask?? spellings different? and I was trying to be so "American"
Not the spelling, I am a terrible speller my self. You mention about "village", that gave me a bit clue. I asked since there are some MB'er resides in England and they might also help you out ... happy holiday.

naej, <p>Where are you posting your responses? Please let us know here how you are doing?<p>Thanks,
L.

Hi thanks to all who replied and for caring. Just got back from my daughters and I DID have a nice C,mas. Been reading posts but not acted on anything yet. No contact from H or my ILaws over holidays! I am surviving, hard today its H birthday and I haven,t sent a card.Been invited out for drinks today and for the first time in well over a yr, am seriously thinking of going. Big improvement there. Been searching for a draft letter to send to H just to say I let him go but don,t want it to sound like I am giving up on my M. Haven,t found a copy of a plan B letter. Will be back later got to get on with my day. My love to u all. naej.xx (copied this just posted it on resolving conflict) guess someones praying for me I am still here and enjoyed church C,mas morn with my 3 children they are always there for me, even when they are in pain too, didn,t like me to mention Dad whist I was with them over C,mas, they seem to have blotted him out. WHEN and IF H. returns don,t know how we will handle that. BUT sufficient onto the day.

Well got over C,mas even survived New Years Eve alone--we always had a great NY. 40 of them tog. Now well trying to decide about letter need help with what to say can only find 1 example anyone give me some threads to go to? Going to be a hard year for me, I know my house will go up for sale soon, no where to go to, or no where I want to go to, it will have to be small and cheap, but if I got thro the past year I guess I will survive, just wish the brave words I say were actually felt in my heart. Perhaps if I say them enough times I will eventually feel it. Just wish my kids did not say their Dad was dead, maybe just give him a call. I know they are more than old enough to make their own decisions. Funny I can forgive my H but his Mother and sisters betrayal (going to lunch with OW and H 4 wks after OW moved in with H) I find imposs to come to terms with I am still angry and bitter and have no contact with them all now, which if my H returns will be difficult, but I read posts from OP who say H returned becos of OW not being made welcome etc and I feel I deserved that kind of support, also my kids who now have no contact with their only living Grandparent who insists she has done nothing wrong or even mentioned sons affair and betrayal of his family, MIL just says can't take sides these things happen.She can,t judge!! the fact that the odd card she sent just says we are in her prayers really makes me want to throw up! It is hurting me becos I feel this way but I cannot in all honesty say its OK. HELP Naej [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by naej:
<strong>WHEN and IF H. returns don,t know how we will handle that.</strong><hr></blockquote>
You make sure he is willing to wormk on M and follow the 4 rules strictly. Read SAA.<p>About family, they are burning their own bridges by taking side.<p>For plan B letter ... goto search ..
Search Words : Plan B Letter
Search Forum : General Question II
Search in : Subject Only<p>You will couple dozen of sample letters. Do you know that there is no plan B if you have not done plan A ?. You better of reading "tough love" by Dobson. This is MB. Good luck.

Does it ever get any better? 14mths on and I am so lonely ,still tearful, still pretending I am ok, I am strong, rebuilding a life, been dark for nearly 2 mths and heard nothing !! What gives- silence drives me crazy still not written letter. Want to wish H a happy new year, want to tell my MIL thanks for everything! Want to even have a fight(verbally) with H at least I,d hear his voice. Hate New Year. Sorry bad days since NYear. Wasting my life sitting in front of a PC, guess who wanted me to learn new skills ? What now. is this it forever?

Does it ever get any better? 14mths on and I am so lonely ,still tearful, still pretending I am ok, I am strong, rebuilding a life, been dark for nearly 2 mths and heard nothing !! What gives- silence drives me crazy still not written letter. Want to wish H a happy new year, want to tell my MIL thanks for everything! Want to even have a fight(verbally) with H at least I,d hear his voice. Hate New Year. Sorry bad days since NYear. Wasting my life sitting in front of a PC, guess who wanted me to learn new skills ? What now. is this it forever? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Does it get any betterDoes it ever get any better

naej,
Let try to get it straight. You are the one who is no contact or H is ?. You know in plan A you have to have line of communication.

Hello naej,<p>Help me with the details, OK. You live in a small town (village)in England. WH lives in the same village and the OW lives with him, for about 14 months? His family lives there, too? Where do your children live? Did you sell the house? What did the solicitor say? Do you work outside the home, have a way to support yourself? Do you have a support group of friends? Am I understanding that WH does not want to have any communication with you? Lots of questions, huh.<p>I'm not trying to be nosey. Just trying to find out if you are isolated with no support system. It's bad enough to have a WS, but even harder if you are alone.<p>Yes, naej, it will get better. That is certain. The question, sadly, is whether it will get better because H comes back or because you accept that your M is over. It may take a long time to know that. You will have to be very patient, stop trying to contact H except through solicitor, stop having contact with in-laws, and work really hard to live independently. WS on MB have said that begging and crying only serve to drive them away.<p>Don't keep your feelings bottled up, but come here to spout off (vent) instead of contacting WH or his family. <p>Your WH and OW (and in-laws) are a pitiful bunch. You can rise above them and their disrespectful behavior. They are the wrong-doers, not you. Please remember that. This is about their weaknesses. You did not cause this to happen.<p>Write back,
Estes<p>BTW, naej, it is not I who is a BS, but my 33- year-old son. I am here to learn a lot and help if I can.<p>[ January 03, 2002: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>

Naej---There is a lot to learn here at MB. The advice and wisdom here is what is needed in your life right now. The A is all so confusing and I don't know if all the questions to what is happening ever get answered. I, too, have had a long marriage (32 yrs) and WS is also in MLC (WS is 55 and OW is 26). My oldest son did not talk to or see his Dad for 9 months. There was a reunion on Christmas. My older son wanted me to just leave his Dad cause he did not want me to deal with this pain anymore. But I think S realized that he missed his Dad and he seems to be ok with his Dad in a group. There has been no one on one contact. The thing with H and children is for them to work through. Try not to overwhelm children with details but as you learn to cope, enjoy your children's support without causing more division with their Dad. No matter what happens, Dad and childen need to reconcile and convey their love and care for each other. Hope that time will bring forgiveness and healing.<p>You will not find many people to understand your pain or what you are going through except for those who have been there. Your H's family cannot understand and trying to get them to support you is really not going to work. It is a shame that they don't see what is wrong here. My WS's brother thinks WS is a jerk and doing the stupidest thing in the world but he is his brother and their relationship is important so I do not expect support or help from WS family. <p>Learn, grow and find support from those who have a positive effect on you. Do you have anyone to talk to or pray with?<p>TW

UPDATE FROM NAEJ
Thanks for replies will try to answer Qs for those who asked and not fam. with my sit. First to Red Hat. H has no contact with me or kids. Sends mthly che. with V,brief note usually just says hope u are ok,love . H. got Solicitor after I did becos of him wanting house sold, didn't want to get one. At present I am gathering imfo to give to his sol. re pensions,maintenance. H says not to Email him at work. cant cope with phone confrontations and thought it best to save his sanity to have no contact to give us space. Never mentioned a D. I had been writing, ph-ing and texting til DEC,when I said I would no longer contact him but was here when He wanted to talk. Heard nothing apart from cheq 2day with.Hope u r ok,love x.
To Estes- H & I M30 yrs. 3 kids 27.24.23. all live away diff parts of country -they ph every day. have no contact with Dad 1yr. Told him unless he gives up OW. never will. He sent them new add_+ home ph.no. they have never contacted him. Sons pretend he is dead. D tries to, but they were v. close & she gets upset but is trying to move on. All refuse to accept that I want him back
He got new job Aug 99, lived away from home came home wk-ends. Things got diff, about C,mas 2000. Aug 2001- confessed to A. had been with us uptil then, lies about Bus/trips to us all )on hol with OW) ALL of us DEVASTATED NO IDEA AT ALL, Turns out WE are last to know. OW dinner-lady at SCH I work at + local barmaid . Had been having A with other MM man for 5 yrs but he dumped her . Always fancied my H never made any secret of it but H & I laughed about it. ! Big Mistake, Kids and I begged H to move her out of V. March 2001 OW moved in with H, after giving Council house to her D,OW & H now live sev, hundred miles away but SHE returns to visit D and G/Kids occas.House sale is no furthur on, due to my sol. not agreeing to sale til finance settled etc. Will not be able to stay in V. prices more than I can afford = nothing for sale. Means I will have to move awy. I work part-time only few hrs but love my job , MIL wrote in first place to say H never said unkind word about me, loves his kids, cant take sides etc. V little support for her G/ch, never mentioned what her son has done. March I hear she has gone to lunch with OW + H + SIL+BIL. Wrote to say how hurt WE were. Told me I was in no position to dictate who she saw. (Been my MIL 30YRS known me all my life, H & I grew up tog.)
MY parents both dead, Have few close freinds know lots of people but would not talk about my sit. VERY Proud person -big fault. Cannot see how things will get better in sit now with no contact H has been const ill since he left know he feels guilt and shame says he loves us all and wanted to be friends but he can't change things (loves OW) and can't cope with my letters etc. OW hard as nails will not let H go becos she is enjoying life she has never had b4. Her XH was m. when she met him, has a colourful past!! Son of 18, left to live with his Dad about 9yrs ago. D, 27 has 3 kids = partner. Sorry this is sooo long just don,t see how to get out from this endless nothing, (spent last yr in & out Hosp. had Counc for over yr but finished it didn't seem worth it.) Thank you all so much. MIL has lost her G/Ch becos of her refusl to see what S has done. We are still married and MIL is committed Christian but cannot judge or take sides. Supporting S &OW seems to be taking sides to us. WE will never visit (they all live away) now we know OW has been in her home. HELP.

Wow, naej,<p>Thanks for answering all my questions! No doubt about it, you are in a tough situation. Your H's behavior reflects a very shame-filled man. Of course he wants no contact with you! He knows how despicable his behavior is. Because you still love him, I pray that he comes to his senses soon.<p>Right now, there simply is not anything you can do, as in no action you can take, to make him behave differently. He has to do this on his own. And his time schedule will have to be his own. Reality will hit. It has to. Look at what his choices have cost him so far, the respect of his children, for heavens sake. The OW is pathetic; what a moral wasteland. The attention and admiration that H is getting from her will give way to LBs, and H will be sick, literally, at what he has done.<p>THEN, you can be there, not condemning but not condoning, IF you are able to maintain your love for him during his terrible treatment of you. <p>The MB principle of Plan B helps you keep from losing your love for WH by having no contact whatsoever with him while contact continues with OW in ANY way. If you continue to try to contact him and he continues to reject you, how can you help but lose love for him? <p>So for now, naej, leave H alone. Work on being an independent woman. Later, when WH wakes up, there you will be - confident, gracious, and maybe still in love with H and ready to negotiate a new M if that is what he wants. If he does not want that, then you are ahead of the game nonetheless and better prepared for what lies ahead.<p>When you feel upset, come here to vent.<p>BTW, it is 11:45 AM in Texas. Is it 1745 in the UK? 6 hours difference? I think I understand about not being able to stay in your V. I spent a few days in Penrith in the summer of 2000. While I was there, I visited with a woman who explained how terribly expensive and limited housing was in many of the villages. She said that so many people had to relocate to the cities to find places to live. If you move, can you still keep your job?<p>Take care,
Estes

Dear Estes, yes I can still keep my job, just will have to drive insted of a walk. \its the only thing that keeps me going at times, but really need to work full time I guess, haven,t worked full time for 28 yrs !! not exactly a demand for 50+ yr old woman, slightly mad, in the early days we moved every few yrs for job reasons so this is the place I have lived the longest.Well I managed to do nothing today apart from have a few words with my D. Guess we'll see what 2mrw brings hate the wk-ends everyone seems to be a couple guess I'll walk the dog. People seem embarrassed by me now perhaps I should leave and go where no one knows me or knew "US"I think they feel I should have moved on got a new man or something maybe I am getting paranoid,Hope things are going well for you.I went to college in the dark ages with a girl from Penrith she often had to leave early becos of bad weather and getting home.Thanks for reading my posts. naej.

naej,
Ditto Estes49, nothing you could do to right now but wait. I know it is hard but try to get involve on different activity than what you have now. Try to get involve full time employement or 2 part times just to get you out of the house. Waiting is never fun but you could do different thing while waiting too. Is there local church or local community that you could get involve into ?. Anything that will make you busy and not thinking about H.<p>One question, when you talk to H in the past before you make a decision to severe it, how was it ?. Anger & fighting ? what did say about you ?. Remember you are trying to do plan B here but we have to cover your bases on plan A. Otherwise you will get frustated w/ nothing changed. Remember there is no plan B if there is no plan A and all you are doing is Dobson's "tough love".

OK naej,<p>Pay attention here [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] YOU are not the one who needs to go away! You MUST not hang your head. Who is the wrong-doer here? Most certainly not you! Get that head up. Take pride in the fact that YOU are living an honorable life. You have not behaved in such an immoral and disgraceful way that your own children have cut off contact with you. Walk that dog with such style that people will wonder what you have going for you. Smile a knowing smile. In the States there is a popular self-help book titled Men Are Just Dessert. (No offense, guys!) You are an intelligent, capable woman. You will be OK with H, without H. Work on the main course (you), then go after the dessert.<p>BTW, I am also a 50-something, slightly crazy woman (after all, I do teach 13-14 year olds. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] ) naej, we're just reaching our stride! <p>Now that I have cyber-yelled at you, take care, and have a good weekend,
Estes<p>[ January 04, 2002: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>