This was posted on the boundary thread....<P>I think it deserved it's own topic.<BR>Please, help guys! I'm really struggling and not looking forward to a weekend at home.<P>I have been avoiding this thread, so I've lurked, but not put my heart in it. I'm really struggling right now, friends.<BR>Boundaries..... Would that be something like, well uh - values and defending them or.... requiring that certain standards in your home not be compromised?<P>Like I have a real averson to drugs. But, we went out to dinner the other night to discuss this issue - and it is a known fact his daughters do drugs. Of course, he likes to deny that. And says nobody hates drugs more than him...<P>So, we talk about the marijuana that I know his x wife smokes - I know this because I was on the other line last year when she called whining about her daughter doing drugs. Apparently, she thinks marijuana is not a drug, and it is okay - she doesn't have a problem with that or giving her children of age 14 and 18 alcohol. (Those children are my SD)......<P>Man I know I'm rambling - but I am so hostile in my heart right now, and really struggling. Please friends, stay with me here.<P>So I ask my husband if he thinks marijuana is a drug. He said he thinks it is better than alcohol - especially for his diabetic daughter. !!!! I have the stepdaughter that we got off of drugs back in my home because she went to visit her mom- back on drugs, and now it seems my husband doesn't see this as a problem because in his opinion it is only marijuana.<P>Okay..... Going to boundaries. Now - mind you, the 19 year old step daughter wants to get her life together and is coming here to do so.... <P>I am about ready to get out of this mess with my 6 year old. My 6 year old already wants tattooo's, and a tongue bar like his sister's that are soooo cool, and is becoming just as disrespectable as my SD.<P>I asked my husband if he thought our marriage would survive a separation, because I feel I cannot let these standards go down in my home. He will not use a POJA, claims he is committed to the marriage, does not need counseling, and there is no problem except in my mind.<P>His last comment this morning to my SD, is "don't worry Ashlie, you don't have to live like this. I'm renting you and your sister an apartment."...... Is that a solution?<P>I'm sure it is off topic, but you fine people have got to help me get things sorted out. Please!<P>

tnt<BR>I've been thinking a lot about your situation.<BR>Your values are very important especially when it is visibly affecting your six year old. I don't know if the boundaries are the same as the values.<BR>Someone mentioned o the other thread that your H may be truly be doing the separate appartment thing for a good reason. I really think it is an option you could consider. But I also think there would have to be rules set out ahead of time.<BR>i haven't got much time now but wanted you to know I'm thinking about this. I do believe it would be better for the younger one to have the SD elsewhere. <BR>I'll get back later. I have a 16 year old standing over my shoulder.

Maybe it isn't a bad idea for our 6 year old, but I know it will breed resentment for my husband. He feels this is his last opportunity to have influence in his daughter's lives. They have always lived with their mom...<P>The daughter displays typical drug addict behavior with lies and excuses - and a very good con artist to boot. <P>I sometimes feel like I need a hideout. Especially this weekend, and tonight.

TNT - Hi, I don't know how much advice I have for you, but I agree that your little one doesn't need the influence of the others. Besides that, if H wants a chance w/ his daughters, doesn't he realize that they will feel security (even if they don't like it) with some boundaries as well?? That's what parents do...that's how we show our kids how much we love them. And no matter how they act, they do need it and appreciate it. <P>It's scary to think about their own apartment. But scarier still to think about their influence on a baby when H won't work WITH you and doesn't seem to have a CLUE. <P>Keep trying to talk to him, I guess. You're pretty good at talking to me and getting ME to understand!!!! (That's a BIG complement, btw). Sorry I can't help more. <P>Lori

What did he mean he wouldn't make her live like this? Like what?

TNT<BR>How do the SDs feel about their mother. Do the admire a woman her age who has (I'm guessing) spent her life doing drugs?<BR>I ask this because I use a lot of shock treatment with my kids. They are aware of which of my H's friends have been doing drugs for years. It isn't a pretty sight. We discuss these people occasionally and the reality of the affect drugs have had on their life/personality.<BR>If your H suggested the appartment why would he resent you? I knw the answer to that question probably. It's just very hard to please them when they are going to resent at every turn.<BR>Girl I really think you do need a break!!!! You have way too much on your plate. How can you deal with everything and stay sane? I know you can but I still think you need a break even for an hour.

Out of our meeting the other night - I told my husband that I could overlook a lot of things if 3 things were done, and no drugs. He said that was reasonable.... So, I asked her to finish the dishes this morning before she went to school. (I asked her to do them Wed. night and it was the 2nd time in 5 weeks, so I'm not overworking her.) She still hadn't finished them as of this AM, and I didn't want them left another day. I asked her firmly but not snotty. Husband through a fit this morning about that. He thinks I am pushing her out of our lives, and he is so worried he won't have the chance to influence his girls. He's afraid she'll run away back to CA. Legitimate.<P>I'll write more later, and reply to all of you.

You have to set boundries. The woman is 19, if she has had no boundries by now, she may never. If h wants to enable her that his privilage, but you have the right to set boundries in your home. She will bring drugs into your home if she is a user. Do you want to risk your children and expose them to that? What would happen if she is ealing and your home is raided ? You could lose your home? She needs treatment, how about a halfway house? <BR>Have you called authorities for xw 's child indangerment ?

I think it would be far better to let her have an apartment than to influence your little one. A nineteen year old is adult, and should be able to handle living in an apartment. My niece lived with us for about a month while she was doing drugs, and it nearly drove us crazy, and didn't do our relationship any good either. She exposed our toddlers to drug dealers (I found out later), lied, stole money from my H. I never want to repeat that experience.<P>

tnt<BR>This is so tough!<BR>RWD and Nellie have made a very good point. this girl is an adult. however she doesn't appear to be acting like one.<BR>Can you help your H to see that she is now an adult and you want to help her act like one by taking responsibility for herself instead of caring for her?<BR>I'm sure you've tried. I'm very concerned for you. The problem here is what is happening with your H as a result of the SD's presence. <BR>I have a full day today but will check back in and keep thinking on it.<BR>take care of yourself.

There are 2 SD. One is 19, Diabetic, and the other is 16. The 16 year old was 14 when she came to live with us, May 98. When we got her, we were able to keep enough supervision to control her. Her mother picked her up unbeknownst to us in Aug 98. (Her m lives in CA, we live in MN.) By October she was up to her old stuff- so we picked her up in CA from Juvenile Hall. <P>My husband agreed to let her go to CA this summer to visit her m. She's now again back on drugs. <P>The 19 year old is on drugs also, but wants to come out here and get her live together. At the time that I listened on the extension back in the spring of 98 to my h conversation with their m, that is when I discovered marijuana in her mind was no problem. So, I think the drugs go beyond the marijuana.<P>SD has been in and out of the hospital all this year, very bad reactions from the drugs/diabetes. The dr. at one time told my husband he thought she was suicidal, and held her for 3 days. Now this SD plans to come out here and live with us as well.<P>My 16 yr. old SD finally loaded the dishwasher from Wed. night dishes this morning, and husband gave me a hug and said he didn't want a divorce.<P>I suppose he thinks everything is fine, but I'm not so sure! I am not sure he is not seeing "whoever" as well at this point. I thought the affair was over, but there is so much distance - I can't tell if it's because of the SD issues or what. <P>He was such a raving lunatic last night, I just hate these cycles. I am not sure what I want to do at this point. <P>I asked him Wed. night if our marriage could survive a separation. He said he would rather be divorced than separated.<P>I agree with you all, the 19 year old should act responsibly for herself. I do think we should give her a chance, but I am not sure that this is what is best for us. And the 16 year old is a con artist to the max. She was in counseling last year, and was diagnosed anti-social.<P>I did help her (16 yr old) get a job at a restaurant, and have been trying to encourage her, but I am not trusting her at the same time. She's had the job for 2 weeks - and she likes it. I am afraid it is just giving her drug money, and h will not allow me to influence her or take any authority whatsoever.<P>I just don't know if I want to live like this for 2 more years, till she is 18, and I know I don't want my 6 year old influenced either.<P>H is generally unreasonable concerning his daughters.

SD came home from work, and was pleasant. Wanted to spend the night at a friends that we didn't know. So, we went to the friend's house and met the parents, talked about curfews - etc. The friend's mom is nice - and will be taking her daughter and my SD to church with her today. I've visited their church in the past, and it is a real good one. This to me is a sign of hope that my husband is trying to be a good parent???? Maybe it is a start.... <P>I asked my husband if we could go to a parenting class - his values and mine don't agree - he is much more lose, but if there is going to be any peace in this home, I think we need to add this to our schedules. There is a new class called "process parenting" - maybe it will help. I'll ask him about it when the mood is right.<P>He is not practicing POJA! Couldn't a lot of problems be alleviated by POJA! I think it needs to go beyond 1 sided fixing in this relationship at this point. Maybe that is the next step. Not sure how to maneuver into that step!!!! Magic wand anyone?<P>***<BR>WS - boundaries and values maybe aren't the same thing. Boundaries are how we communicate the expectations and decide to implement the consequences? and Values are what motivates us to do so? maybe this belonged in the boundary thread after all.<P>And I didn't realize the m did marijuana also until I picked up the extension in the spring of 98. My h wasn't surprised, however. I found a note in SD's trash (yes I snoop, sorry Ann Landers....) - and it was apparent that SD's m allowed her daughters to smoke pot in an upstairs area with their friends. How do the girls feel? They think their mom is hard to live with sometimes, and think she is the best mother in the world - and that their dad and her should never have been divorced, and definitely should have never married me. I actually feel sorry for them. - just more children as products of plan "D". As far as their mother doing drugs - I'm sure the mom occasionaly smokes pot, and they would think that was "cool". I think the mom and SD's are very comfortable with one another. Unfortunately, they have no respect for her either. They feel like they need to defend their mother, and make excuses for her. It is a relationship I gave up trying to figure out years ago. <P>Nellie and RWD, the 19 year old is old enough for the apartment, but needs to get a job when she gets here, and needs to learn how to save money, get off drugs, and get it together. By us supplying her with an apartment, we've done nothing for her - but get her out of our hair. I think we need to give her a chance to help her - but with eyes wide open, and I think H has his eyes shut. I think we need to get a grip on the 16 year old NOW, and decide what we are going to do WHEN the 19 year old blows it. Because I'm sure she will.<P>lostva - yup NO clue. Mr. Clueless. Mr. No POJA! Thanks for the compliment - I didn't know that.<P>FHL - He meant that she shouldn't have to listen to or respect me. That the 3 things that I asked him to have her to comply with (that he had said previously that was reasonable) was NOT reasonable. It was a way to undermine me, completely. I had asked her if I could show her how to fill the dishwasher so everything fits, that morning. She didn't like me asking her, and started complaining about being asked to do something in the morning. She said that by me asking her I was trying to make her have a bad day..... She through a little hissy fit because I had asked her AGAIN the same thing I had been asking her since Wed. night, and it was clear she had no intention of doing it.....<P>He wanted to make me angry, and make sure that I had no influence over her, and let her know that I am the enemy and not him, becaue he had backed me up before when I asked her. It was Mr. Jeckle or Mr. Hyde speaking? It was Mr. Conflict Avoider making an offense instead of a defense? It was a way to undo all the things he had done regarding her living respectfully in our home, to show me who was boss? She eats it up, too. She loves it if we fight over her. He was the one who wanted a fight, not me. I wanted her to do what she was supposed to do before she left for school, because those D*** dishes were going to be left there until hell froze over, unless I did them. <P>At the time that I asked her, I knew and sensed that my h would run to her defense. In the back of my mind before I asked her - I thought: Hmmmm, should I ask her again, which my husband would see as a LB, or should I serve dinner on dirty dishes I thought, how will I get through to this girl, that she needs to respect me? Demand it? <P><p>[This message has been edited by trustntruth (edited September 12, 1999).]

Wrote a long post and it said no one was registered by the name Faith Hope Love.<P>Don't have time to rewrite...church...but testing.<P>Praying for you, Trustntruth...<P>How is your H at parenting your 6 year old?<P>I think you are right about parenting class.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

TNT<BR>You certainly have a lot on your plate now. I appreciate all your support even more than I did before.<P>On your questions, OUCH!!! Been there with my SS. He was 13 when H and I married and he lived with us. H sees nothing wrong with marijuana and beer. So they often indulged together prior to our marriage. My objections made me the heavy and I often ended up as you did the other day. The MEAN SM.<P>I put up with this for 4 years, then had H and SS removed from our home with an order of protection. Then I took custody of his daughter from him.<P>SS and I are fine now. He still does the drinking and drugs, but he lives on his own. He is now 22. He has a job and nothing else to speak of because he has to party away his money. He owes his dad and I a lot of money, but I could let it go if he would straighten up.<P>My SD is 13. I have had her since she was 3. Even when her dad says that I can't say what

TNT<BR>Sorry I had to interrupt my post but my parents arrived.<p>[This message has been edited by dreamer0707 (edited September 12, 1999).]