Hi, it's me.<p>I'm asking for prayers from everyone.<p>Tonight my XH and his new family are spending Christmas eve here in the Harbor with SIL's. It's their tradition to celebrate on Christmas eve. They normally start the festivities at 1:00p. This hurts where there aren't words.<p>Sounds weird but I feel his presence because he's so close this evening. How long does this take to get over? I feel so hurt, so discarded and betrayed .... disposed of.<p>I almost feel like doing a "Kevco", and driving by SIL's house. Makes no sense .... only would make me feel worse.<p>Jo (not feeling so Resilient)<p>[ December 24, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Hang in there Jo...
My prayers are with you!<p>[ December 24, 2001: Message edited by: diamonda ]</p>

{{{{Jo}}}}<p>What are you doing tonight? Is there anyone you can be with? Is there a Christmas Eve service at your church?<p>I'll check back to see if you need to talk.<p>BTW, follow your instincts and DON'T drive by. Rest assured the your xH will think about you tonight and tomorrow. He knows what he did.<p>I'm sorry,
Estes

Hugs and prayers for you Jo,<p>I am going through similar feelings, heard whole lot of news about H yesterday and couldn't sleep all night.OW is back, I was right about my suspicions, and thanks for your help with my plan B letter, it was right to add the OW stuff in it.<p>I am sorry to hear you are hurting, I'll keep you in my thoughts today.
Take care.

Hi Jo,<p>Lots of hugs and thoughts and prayers coming your way. <p>Lora

Hi Jo - I also know the feeling of being disposed of. You are not alone being alone. My son left this afternoon with my wife to go spend Christmas with her parents and SIL's family (I think) - where I was once the favorite son in law. Blood IS thicker than mud.<p>Hang on and know you're loved and admired.<p>Dave

Hi Jo,<p>Hugz and prayers goin' your way. <p>L.

(((((((((((((((resiliant)))))))))))))huggles to you. im sorry for your pain. theses holidays tend to bring about sorrow, when it should be a time of joy!

Isa 41:10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.<p> resist the idea of driving by...it will just make it even harder. God Bless<p>mercy<p>[ December 24, 2001: Message edited by: mercy ]</p>

Thank you so much ....<p>I never thought my life would be like this. I know you guys feel the same. <p>Thinking of things to be thankful for, came up with I'm better off from last year because I'm not dodging the process server knocking on my door.<p>I am a believer, Mercy. I think God is mad at me tho. Earlier today I got mad at Him, asked God WHY (actually yelled it) when I keep trying so hard to "move on" would He allow my H to draw me back in with cards and his written sentientalities. It's like being tortured.<p>I did the work, I didn't treat anyone badly during the D, no harsh words, no meaness (just sad and hurt) but no meaness ... and what do I get, more disrespect and manipulation.<p>I feel like I can't ever get a normal life, like God wants me to struggle throughout, no relief.<p>Why is that, Mercy?<p>I'm rambling and feeling sorry for myself. If I could just sleep thru this I'd be okay.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by BearsInForest:
<strong>Hugs and prayers for you Jo,<p>I am going through similar feelings, heard whole lot of news about H yesterday and couldn't sleep all night.OW is back, I was right about my suspicions, and thanks for your help with my plan B letter, it was right to add the OW stuff in it.<p>I am sorry to hear you are hurting, I'll keep you in my thoughts today.
Take care.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Bears? Are you okay? What news did you hear regarding your H?<p>Jo

Hi Estes,<p>Nope, no one available this eve. On my own. <p>Thank you for responding. How does going thru something like this make you a better person. I'm not sure it can, my heart feels beat up and hardened. <p>Jo

Resilient, You are not the only one... I care about you... and I do not know you.. but know your pain... I am sorry it hurts-<p>I am more depressed than I have ever been in my life tonight. and really need help. I am trying to be strong... <p>
It is just a day, the memories and the expectations make everything hurt so much. I just hate myself for all my mistakes that make my H want to leave me.<p>HONEY

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by honey:
<strong>Resilient, You are not the only one... I care about you... and I do not know you.. but know your pain... I am sorry it hurts-<p>I am more depressed than I have ever been in my life tonight. and really need help. I am trying to be strong... <p>
It is just a day, the memories and the expectations make everything hurt so much. I just hate myself for all my mistakes that make my H want to leave me.<p>HONEY</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Honey,<p>The first step in repairing your marriage is to accept your part, you have done that ... jeeeez, we all make mistakes, we're only human. It's very hard to look in that mirror and honestly access ourselves. But to do it is to start the wheels of change. Be happy that you have the character and strength to do that.<p>So now you can, and SHOULD, forgive yourself. if you don't, how can you expect your H to.<p>I'm sorry you're going thru this too. My heart aches for anyone having these same feelings. <p>I'm here if you need to talk, Honey.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ December 24, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Reslient,<p>I can not stand the expression "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Often it does just the opposite. Did my H losing his mother, his business, and then having my sister lose her son to murder make him stronger? Is it just chance that my H came back from the funeral acting more emotionally dead than alive, after which it was all downhill? <p>I used to be reasonably optimistic. I actually believed that good normally triumphed over evil in the end. I trusted my friends and acquaintances until given a reason not to. Most importantly I trusted my H. Not anymore.

jo,<p>prayers are going up for you!!!<p>We are all getting ready to goto church and WH isn't going, hope he won't been talking with her from my house! It was hard enough riding in his car knowing she had been there!!! I hate this!!!<p>Dawn

So many of seem sad and alone this year...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I can not stand the expression "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."<hr></blockquote><p>Man I hate that stupid phrase. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>- I also know the feeling of being disposed of. You are not alone being alone.<hr></blockquote><p>Yup. I decided that time alone was appropriate; that I would enjoy my own company and treat myself right..( and try not to focus on this time last year; big house, family together , money, etc. etc.)<p>It served to illustrate where I am..
And I will damn not be in "this place" next year.<p>Jo, you know you're beautiful and worthy.<p>What he sees or doesn't see makes not a spit of difference.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I almost feel like doing a "Kevco", and driving by SIL's house. Makes no sense .... only would make me feel worse.<hr></blockquote><p>Yeah, the story goes negative attachment can be as strong as positive attachment. But getting stuck in that pattern is a real killer. <p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I feel so hurt, so discarded and betrayed .... disposed of.<hr></blockquote><p>Yah.. that's about it. Although snl would claim you're doing it to yourself, it has no basis in his actions, or something like that...<p>Y'know.. what's saved me is that WS is w OM, so I have my kids ( 8 & 3) from breakfast 'till about 8pm. It's PS2 and Dorito's baby... it helps.<p>As long as I don't think about what my wife and OM are doing to celebrate the birth of Our Lord..<p>Dan

How does all this help us become better people?<p>Well, I think that experiencing and working through extreme pain such as the agony caused by the betrayal of love and trust gives us a perspective on life that we would not have had otherwise. (Tough way to learn, huh) It makes us more aware of the pain that others are going through.<p>For example, I had absolutely no idea how much pain there was out there. Yes, people were divorcing all around me. I knew it was a sad thing, but somehow I missed just how badly so many people were hurting. I felt my sister's sadness when her H left her for OW. But, still
I really didn't get it. Maybe it was because after her d-day, her M was over, no roller coaster ride like so many here, hurting over and over again. No repeated lying. And there were no children. <p>Now, because of my DIL's continuing affair and my son's suffering (and also from the posts of those of you directly dealing with the same kind of pain), I absolutely get it! I think I am a better person because I can support others who are suffering from traumatic experiences, A or otherwise.<p>I have seen my BS son become a better person. He has had his eyes opened to the fact that he can't assume that things are forever. He knows now that people need to be alert in their relationships and attentive to the other person's point of view. He has learned to acknowledge his responsibility in maintaining a strong relationship. He had taken "forever" for granted. No more.<p>He has become a better person because he has recommitted to do whatever it takes to give his son as stable a life as he can. He has helped his WS repeatedly by taking son (she has custody in another state) when she couldn't cope, even when he had to take off work to get it done. He may not always be H, but he will always be a dad.<p>He is a better person because he has read and read and thought and thought about marital relationships, about the value of family, about the value of friends. He has recommitted to these.<p>He is a better person because his faith is as strong as ever. God did not put him in this pain, DIL's free will did. But God is granting him wisdom and determination to survive this, although he's in a deep emotional valley right now.<p>He will be a better (more aware) partner in a future relationship if this M fails (which sadly I have begun to think it will). You know, it's ironic. Son and DIL read book after book in the early years of their M, even His Needs, Her Needs. But they did not maintain their vigilance.<p>He will also know to carefully consider the emotional health of a potential spouse. DIL's chronic depression, probably bipolar, has been a huge factor.<p>He is a better person because he knows he will survive, married or not. He knows that he will a devoted H again someday.<p>So, if we define better as more aware, more sensitive, more compassionate to others in pain, stronger in our faith, more committed to love our family and friends and let them know it, more involved with our children, and more self-aware, then I think we are better people. Granted, this is an horrific way to grow, but it is a way to take the most cutting pain one can imagine and salvage something from the experience.<p>At best, we can save and improve marriages. At least, we can take new skills into a new relationship.<p>What to do with the things that are not better - the distrust, the shaken self-confidence, the physical and emotional strain, the insecure children, the cynicism? Sadly, innocence has been lost forever. We have to forgive ourselves for mistakes we have made, we have to grieve, we have to give ourselves time to heal. <p>Bruised, but not broken. Trust time to lessen the pain. Richard Nixon said that a man was not beaten if he is defeated; he is beaten if he quits. MBers, never quit believing in your infinite worth and value. <p>Peace,
Estes

Re: Becoming better people<p>Here is a relevant new post from a dad who benefitted from plans A and B in spite of the fact that his M did not surive.<p>to Rick37's post<p>Estes

I have taken sleeping pills called "Zolpidem - Ambien"<p>Seems to be working. Want to be knocked out for the rest of the eve.<p>It's a wuss' way out.<p>Res = Wuss