I am new here. Not sure if this is the right spot to post what I have to say, but I have to start somewhere.<p>After 10 years of marriage to my husband, our marriage was going down hill, needs weren't being met, etc.......I found myself in an awkward position with his older brother (we were emailing back and forth). He knew my marriage was going thru rocky times (he's divorced). He suggested some things that scared me to death. I was raised with good morals and NEVER thought that I would be in the spot I turned out to be in. We had an affair. I still can't believe that I even went there. I'm ashamed and truly regret it. My husband doesn't know. <p>What is my next step? A counselor I went to said I shouldn't tell him because that would inflict a wound on him.....I'm confused. Somehow I feel like I'm living a lie if I don't tell him. But I'm scared to death to tell him (especially since it was his brother). I don't think he'd give this marriage a second chance if he knew that. But maybe that's what I deserve. I have to face the consequences. He never really got along with his brother to begin with--this may add fuel to the fire. <p>This whole last year has been a fuzzy dream (more like a nightmare). And to top it off, the brother abandoned me right in the middle of all this, scared that the family would find out--no explanations, not caring about me, etc. He was concerned only with himself. Not that I should be concerned about myself--look what I did to my husband. But I have big resentments towards his brother now, almost like he lured me into it (when it was by my own will that I did it--but I was vulnerable--still can't believe I did such a thing). I'm so confused right now--just want to make it right. I know Dr. Harley mentions not seeing/meeting your lover ever again, but what do I do when it's family? Move somewhere else? Christmas was very tense. He lives with a woman--she's totally in the dark, too. Is honesty always the best thing? The brother was always so concerned about his Mom (my mother-in-law) knowing--that it would ruin her. But I believe he was saying that so I wouldn't say anything. I really don't know how to handle this right now. I'm scared and disgusted with myself. My husband has changed this past year and seems to really want to turn this marriage around. I'm afraid this will send him over the edge. <p>Please help......I appreciate any input. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Welcome Gm25,<p>You can work through this successfully. However, it will take time and it will be difficult. The fact that you recognize your mistake and are truly sorry it happened is very much in your favor.<p>IMO, it is only a matter of time before the family
learns what happened. It will be disastrous for your H to find out from someone other than you. So what to do? I suggest that you read/reread the information on what the BS experiences when he finds out about the infidelity. Be sure you understand how you should react to his shock, anger, and hurt to help him heal. Expect him to be furious with his B. Expect in-laws to be angry with B, especially, and possibly you. <p>When you are prepared, pick a time when you and H can be alone and neither one of you has obligations that need your attention for awhile. Start by telling him his importance to you and what you are thankful for in your relationship, then tell him directly, don't beat around the bush. Tell him you are sorry. Tell him how wrong you were. Take responsibility for your choices. Don't try to put the responsibility on the B. Then hang on and be prepared to be open and honest and answer his questions freely and honestly. When he is ready, have him read Surviving an Affair and the information on the main MB web site about infidelity.<p>Gm25, this is a hopeful situation for you. Your attitude is right. You want your M to succeed. Don't be impatient. Expect this to hurt a lot. Help your H by not expecting too much too soon. Maintain your faith (as in your other post in Prayers).<p>I suspect that your BIL has a history that causes his family to distrust him. Does he have a history of questionable relationships and selfish choices?<p>MBers are happy to support former WS recover their M. Keep posting. We will be here for you to talk to.<p>Prayers for you as you tell you H,
Estes

It certainly is bad enough to have an affair but
with the brother of your husband? You would have to be self-destructive to engage in this type of behavior. Nevertheless lets deal with the question at hand. I totally agree with Estes 49. It is simply a matter of time before your husband will finds out. If someone else tells him your marriage will probably come to an end. Your only hope is to tell him and both of you get into counseling.
By telling him you are showing that you are remoreseful, recognizing your problems in doing this and expressing to your husband how much you wish the marriage to succeed and how you want to make it up to him. If you do not tell him and when he finds out (which he will) he will perceive you as a liar and cheat who is incapable of ever being honest with him. How can you have a successful marriage if the foundation is based on a lie? You are asking for a disaster if you do not tell him the truth.
We already know that the Brother is untrustworthy.
What happens when his relationship goes sour and he gets mad at a family outing? Show your husband at least the respect of being honest with him and trying to make amends. He deserves at least this from you. I wish you luck.

Gm25,<p>I agree with the advice that others have given you. I would however suggest you do two things before you tell your H. One, read Surviving an Affair by Harley. Two, go to a counselor or contact one of the Harley's and do phone counseling with them. They should be able to help you design a plan for telling your H and dealing with what happens afterwards.<p>You may choose a local counselor or clergyman and often it is recommended that you tell them with this person also in attendance. It can defuse a bad situation but more importantly the counselor can offer support for your H and tell him things that frankly he won't believe from you for a long time.<p>More than a few people have come here in exactly your situation. Sometimes it is the man coming here dealing with his W's affair with his brother. It does happen. <p>I sense that you do feel it necessary to tell your H. I agree with everyone else that you need to. As Bryanp said, your H is very likely to find out, and from his own brother if he gets mad at your H and wants to hurt him. <p>It is not a mortal lock that you can rebuild your marriage, but it is almost guarenteed that your marriage will not grow with you carrying this guilt and your H unaware of the depth of problems in his marriage and his family. <p>Your best chance is honesty and then a solid plan to rebuild your marriage. Do read the recommended book and read the articles on this site. You will be able to develop a plan. <p>This can be done, Gm25, but it is hard.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

I too Gm is the WS and i too have been in your shoes. no it wasnt with his brother...but with his best friend...who was also married. it is a tangeled web we weive when we set out to deceive.<p>ok....well..i agree with all the above suggestions..get some books..get a counselor...If you really feel he may NOT want to recover his marriage then you are going to need some real support when this all opens up. Only you know your husband. However, i too thot...he will leave me....but he didnt...not physically. emotioanlly..yes...it has been a very difficult 18 months..my lsat contact was 13 months ago. i have not had contact since. But, the lies..the deceoption .....is SO hard to conceive of. Are there children involved? I believe that there was a poster here who didnt tell her husband for quite some time...jill? lor?? i cant remember which now...i just remember feeling that if the truth didnt come out...and he learn form her...then it was really going to get ugly. If somehow...he finds out from someone else? he is really going to feel more betrayed( IMHO).<p>I wish you all the luck....and yes... you are in the right place [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>mercy

BUMP ^^^

*****slingshot for the top!****

gm,
Let me say 'welcome' and tell you that I understand what you are going thru. I have put myself in somewhat of the same situation and I feel the same as you--never thought I would have done the things that I have.<p>First, most people here will tell you that you must confess to your husband immediately but---I have not told mine and never plan to. (And I will take a lot of grief on this board for these remarks.) I am married to a man who is young and as stubborn as they come. I know him better than anyone and I know that if he ever finds out, that will be the end of my marriage--no discussion. I truly feel that 'honesty is the best policy' but not in this case for me. This is a decision that you will have to make for yourself. I feel that no good can come from hurting my husband and destroying my marriage (that is recovering nicely). As I said, I will be flamed for this, but I have come to the decision that this is my life and no one has to live with consequences but me.<p>The brother is obviously only concerned about himself (as is the case with most cheaters)---which may insure his silence. My affair was with a close friend of both of us and while I know he will never tell, it still makes things awkward. It is over but I can't very well act as if I suddenly am not still a friend. My H would definitely wonder why. So, h still invites him to dinner and they still go to the movies together and it is very awkward when he comes over but he can't give my h a good reason for avoiding him all the time. And your question--Move somewhere else? How will you explain *that* to your husband?<p>This is a great site to help you. Read everything you can. There are tons of wonderful people here to listen and offer their wisdom and experiences. Be strong and forgive yourself...we're only human, after all.<p>Keep us posted.<p> franklymydear59@yahoo.com

GM,
I am the WS. It was 4 yrs ago, 4 different men, d-day one was June, D-day 2 was Sept. Talk about being ashamed, I am still stronging with guilt.<p>I think you should order the book "Surving An Affair" and give it to your H when you confess. Yes that means you confess all from the begining to the end. <p>I thought for sure that my H would leave me after 4 other men. But he is a good, strong man. He wanted me to confess all so he could fix the problem and never let it happen again. <p>It will be hard on both of you, it will be an emotional roller coaster, you will probably will have to plan A your H but it's all worth it if you want your M. Belive me, you do not want to keep this a secreat. I did for 4 yrs. If I would have told him sooner we could be further down the road in recovery. That secreat will eat you alive. <p>Sit your H down and tell him that you two need to talk. Good luck. My prayers are with you. Sherry

Just an opinion...whether you tell him or don't tell him...the consequences of your actions are the fact that you have subjected yourself to the loss of your marriage by being unfaithful to your H with his brother. PERIOD.You do not want to risk it NOW, after the A is over...but you were certainly willing to take the risk while the A was going on.
That is something I have some trouble with when people don't tell, it very disrepectfully removes the choice from the BS, YET AGAIN, to make descisions based on the facts. OK, so if you tell,your marriage may end, he may hate you, it will be hard...Doesn't HE deserve some consideration? MAybe HE won't want to be M to YOU,once he knows...BUt if he stays M to you without the truth he can't be as close to you or know you,to love you warts and all....maybe HE will stray someday and you can condemn him from your false "high moral ground", because he doesn't know what YOU did.
Hope I do not offend, in a weird place today

Gm25,<p>Diddallas has made a very interesting post to you. I must tell you that she isn't the first to come here with her point of view. I will tell you that most ulitmately tell their H. I will do my best to explain why based on what I have seen here.<p>DD said <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> The brother is obviously only concerned about himself (as is the case with most cheaters)---which may insure his silence.<hr></blockquote> <p>No, I disagree to an extent. Your H's brother is very concerned about himself, but there is more to this than that. Brothers won't make this breach of behavior unless they want to hurt the other one. There is anger there and you are the tool by which he is showing it. I suspect there will come a day when he will argue with your H and get mad at him and to hurt him make a reference to about the A with you. <p>Gm25 this isn't a simple affair, this is much deeper in my opinion and the normal "protections" one might expect to keep the secret cannot be trusted.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> My affair was with a close friend of both of us and while I know he will never tell, it still makes things awkward. It is over but I can't very well act as if I suddenly am not still a friend. My H would definitely wonder why. So, h still invites him to dinner and they still go to the movies together and it is very awkward when he comes over but he can't give my h a good reason for avoiding him all the time. <hr></blockquote> <p>Now perhaps DD can live with the fact that she will always lie to her H. That her H will always be lied to by the OM and that the biggest lie is that his friend is a friend. What is she going to do, when in friendship her H offers to make a large sacrafice for this OM, knowing what she knows? How will she be able to separate the lies about the affair and OM from other convenient lies? When will she be able to really speak her mind without always worrying that somehow she will let the cat out of the bag?<p>It seems easy now, because her marriage isn't rebuilt yet. But as the rebuilding continues and he becomes closer to her, the chances of her letting the cat out of the bag grow, so she will always have to keep some distance between her H and her. There will always be this secret she must protect even above protecting her H.<p>Meanwhile the OM is making a fool of her H and she will have sit by and watch. It probably doesn't hurt her now, but IF she really does help rebuild the marriage and IF she ever really loves her H, then watching OM make a fool of him will hurt. OR it will tear down her respect for her H.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>And your question--Move somewhere else? How will you explain *that* to your husband?<hr></blockquote><p>Interesting point! You life will now be contolled by OM/brother. What you don't see and DD hasn't seen but will is that this secret is corrosive and it will eat through the marriage. <p>Gm25, your H may end the marriage. Frankly, that would be my first thought. But, not telling is very likely going to guarentee that the marriage will end eventually or be highly unsatisfactory to you and your H. More importantly "when" your H finds out, next year, next decade, or several decades from now it will kill him.<p>These are not easy choices. DD is right, it is your choice. But my comment is that the choice isn't as clear as you think. Because either choice may well end the marriage. In one case swiftly and the other by slow death. In either case the fault my dear will be yours. <p>It really comes down to how you want to lead your life. It is the same issue that DD must face sooner or later. Are you going to face it for the rest of your life as a liar or are you going to face it as an honest woman.<p>You see the real damage will be done to yourself, but the collateral damage will be to your family and your H.<p>Hard stuff Gm25, very hard stuff. That is why I recommended reading and counseling before you tell if ultimately you decide to do so.<p>If you want to read a very interesting thread find the threads by "Jill". She faced the delimna of telling her H. For about 1 1/2 years it ate at her, and finally she decide to tell. Go into the archive and read her story.<p>Good luck and God Bless,<p>JL

wow....JL...good advice. it is the truth. i didnt come clean about the extent of our PA for a yr....and it just took us back down the path of hell. more lies...more lies....more distrust. <p>
if ONLY us WS would think before we act....we wouldnt have these decisons [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>good luck,
mercy

What a powerful post JL!<p>I'm adding it to my classics collection.<p>Thanks,
Estes

Thank you all for all of your input/comments and suggestions.....I'm considering and pondering them all. Nothing will be easy anymore--I admit to that. <p>Thank you for all of your support. It's good to know I have this place to go.