OK, seems like christmas is destined to be an awfull time for me, no matter what I do or try it never turns out good.<p>Christmas eve, I wake up with pain and WH takes me to the ER, after 4 hours of waiting the doctor gets some analysis on me, and turns out for the last 2 months I haven't been pregnant, nope, take that! Looks like all what was going on was stress, and hormonal imbalance.<p>I couldn't afford going to the gyn or general doctor so I never got any confirmation about it, but 4 positive e.p.t.'s with 99% accouracy were enough to make me believe!<p>WH was very sweet and caring the whole time, tried to cheer me up even though he was very angry and upset about the situation. I cried and fell into deep depression again.<p>Christmas eve dinner consisted on chinese food (very good btw I won't complain), and a movie, only the two of us.<p>I couldn't enjoy myself so much because I was feeling awfully detached from everything and everybody. I don't feel like myself, I feel empty and weird, I can't bring myself to care about anything, and if I do it isn't for long.<p>Christmas morning I explained this to WH, he doesn't know what to do with it. Then I proceeded to hint about my ENs, like the need to be special, and considered valuable. Of course he doesn't get that what I want is a new ring from him, because I miss it and everytime I wear the old one it makes me sick, literally, I get nauseous and get headaches.<p>I drop the subject and play sims all day. I made a family that resembles ours and then made my sim go find some other husband. My WH was looking while I played and he got a bit sad, I just told him it was that, just a game, but I guess he was hurt.<p>I stopped playing and tried to spend some more time with him. No clear plans for New Years, but since he said he wanted to surprise me I can see nothing happening, that is what he calls a "surprise" 80% of the time, just nothing.<p>He installed a web cam for me to video conference with my family, and continued trying to cheer me up, but I am so detached and upset that anything he does seems useless. <p>I want to get out of this town at least for a weekend I need a vacation. I want him to REALLY surprise me and do what hes been saying he wants to do since he finally spit the whole truth, which is proposing and renewing vows properly, thing which he never did.<p>Yesterday he came home with the rent termination terms and the XOW's name was everywhere in it. It just triggered me, but I pretended to be alright, I guess he noticed I suddenly got very distant because he got a marker and erased her name saying stuff like "Here we don't need this stupid thing here, much better".<p>I know he really really hates her, I just feel like saying "Yeah... well... hope you could have done that before you ruined my life". <p>What do I do? How can I start letting myself love him? <p>I am just scared to death that he will just keep making promises he'll never keep. I hint him and hint him and I guess it is just all falling on deaf ears because he just ignores it.<p>Walking through the mall the other day I told him about something I had forgotten, how one of my best friends had tried to propose before I left Spain (well that he knew), but that he had gotten me a very expensive ring, something in between the lines of 10,000-15,000 $, and when I refused he got the money back and created a bank account for me to use. Of course the moment he e-mailed me the info for it the moment I deleted it.<p>That made him sad and jealous.<p>He gets jealous at my online friends, I can't help most of them are male. Too bad I never thought of cheating on him, and I know that makes him feel like cr*p, but hey, he got in there, I am not gonna pick him up.<p>Ah... I'll shut up now >_<

Hello there,
Harley has an article on this site under Surviving Infidelity called "Overcoming Resentment" and I recommend that you search for it and read it. I'm sorry your hormones are off, perhaps you should see a specialist (endocrinologist). They could tell you specifically what you need to even things out. The right diagnosis and prescription might work wonders for you! Good luck! <<<<HUGS>>>>

Thanks BTDT, I have the intention of going to the doctor and have all my complete check-ups next week when my insurance kicks in.<p>My WH is going too to get a complete exam and STD's test, not that it would do any good now after 2 years of lying to me, could have gotten AIDS 4 times and it wouldn't freaking matter.<p>I am scared of everything right now. OW was a rather promiscuos person, in the sense in which she'd have sex with anybody who would pay for dinner and get her something she liked. I won't say that is prostitution for sure, but it looks like it. She had sex with two other men one before and one after she went chasing after my H, cool neh?<p>I talked to my WH yesterday and he was saying how sorry he is that he destroyed my life, that thinking back on the way he tortured me he deserves to die, because if anybody treated me like he did he'd have killed them.<p>I don't listen, I just get sad and very frustrated. How can people be so self-centred and close minded?<p>I ask him what exactly was his problem, he will say he is not sure, that he was sick, stupid, blind and that he didn't know what love and friendship was.<p>I then asked what did he want out of me, what did he want out of OW. He said he is not sure, that in a start he wanted to be friends with OW, but he was screwed up. So I asked what the hell was it that he wanted from me, he said he wanted me to love him and he thought he was loving me.<p>Yeaaaaah [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] so I said that he had a very strange definition of friendship, meaning, "I'll be needy, and chase you around, and sleep with you WHILE I am married". He gets all puffy but says that he was screwed up and that I am right. So then I say what I think he thought love was, "I'll treat you so badly you'll want to die everyday of your life". <p>I knew this was hurtful, but mind me, believe me that's what he thought love was, because he was crying and all he could say is "I am sorry, I just thought I was loving you".<p>So I think to myself, "Yeah, well I disagree, I think you were just being happy as a cakeman. You had a wife that adored you, pampered you, listened, and cared for you. When it was convenient you'd think of your XOW while having sex with your wife because she is just not interesting enough, it was just boring being so happy."<p>I am indignated, I feel violated on the most deep and intimate part of myself. I don't feel like having him touch me. I never thought I'd see the day where I didn't even want to kiss him like I used to. A peck on the lips is as much as I want to give him, if he tries anything else I find it tedious and annoying.<p>I thought I was getting better, I thought I could forgive him, but the pain, the hurt and despair get worse.
I can't sleep at night, I have nightmares everyday, non stop, I wake up every 2 hours and can't go back to sleep for 30 minutes and on and on.<p>I am not hungry, I don't want to eat, I don't want to do anything. I just want to lay down and die. I have thought of medication, but pills scare me terribly, and I hate having to go to doctors and getting examined, plus telling them I am just down, like they care anyways.<p>I thought I had had enough pain and horrible images on my head for a lifetime, I guess I was wrong. I thought this time for the first time I'd have a chance to be happy, I guess I was wrong.
I thought I was special, good enough to be loved "that" way, I guess I was wrong.<p>If I have to feel like bleep for the rest of my life for 2 minutes of feeling peachy and dandy I rather die. <p>Yes yes my husband is trying, but I am not even sure I want him back anymore. <p>Don't I deserve better? Shouldn't I go find somebody who actually would love me over everything else?<p>I want to stay, but I want to go. I want to live but life seems to want me dead. I want to fight, but I am too broken to even pick myself up.<p>I want to go somewhere I can call home. I want to feel safe. I don't want to be on guard forever. I don't want to be in pain.<p>What should I do? The resentment doesn't go away, no matter how wonderful my husband is, the anger and hatred comes invading me. Nothing he does is ever enough, and it it is he messes it up.<p>He owes me a lifetime of joy, how can he repay it with so little each time? <p>I am in despair, i feel like every nice thing he does is like a grain of dust, that keeps getting sucked into an hour glass, slowly, but terrible, I don't need that I need the entire thing, I need something so meaningful and smashing that it'll knock me off, shine me, let me see what he thinks love is, let me feel loved again.<p>Guess what, he will never ever find it, I can't even think of it, and he has always let me down. I am sure he will let me down again. I don't want to have faith on him, not to get hurt again.<p>If he can manage to find it, whatever it is that restores my love for him, then I'll be happy, and I'll be there. But odds, statistics, experience tells me he never will.<p>Sour reality... always on my back.

Dear Alostwife,
You are so young. Take it from me (old enough to be your mom--granted, a young mom, but old enough!), there are many many Christmases ahead of you if you can just get through this mess. And you will...<p>Do you realize that when I was your age, I was a single mom of my oldest kid whose father was married!?! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] I raised him alone with no contact and I eventually got married when he was 10 years old...<p>And although I caused so much devastation in so many lives--my son's, MM's wife's, and my family members', etc..., I'm positive that I never felt the type of depression you are feeling (like wanting to die). Things were rough for me, but not like you described here.<p>I'm so sorry you are in this kind of deep pain. The relationship has not been a healthy one for you. Q: Did you marry in order to get out of the house? Is your family supportive of your marriage? Do you have a good relationship with your mom & dad? Can you talk to them?<p>If not, then you should see your doctor and just pretend that they care. Let them know that you are in an emotional slump and you feel like you want to curl up and die. I bet that would grab their attention. Don't despair.<p>And you are right not to put your faith in any human being. No one is capable of carrying you in this capacity without disappointing you eventually. Only put your faith and trust in God--never a man, never a person.<p>Even if you are not religious, trust no one but your Creator. He made you, He can fix everything that is wrong with you that needs fixing. Trust Him...<p>In case you couldn't find the article, here is the link for you. Gotta run for now, but will check back in to see how you are doing. There are plenty of people on this site who care about you. You will find your way out of this mess.<p>Coping with Infidelity: Overcoming Resentment

Hi, <p>I am truly sorry you are feeling so down in the dumps but I certainly know the feeling. Here hon, what you are going through it anger and resentment. Temprorary but very very strong feelings right now and you could force yourself into making some life changes for the wrong reasons if you are not careful. <p>Read what BTDT has to say and check out that site. <p>Here is what helped me when I was feeling like you are now: <p>5 stages of grieving:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html <p>Hope this helps and here is a hug. <p>L.
ps: if you are going through some type of crisis and your hormones may be running amuck, you should see your gyn asap.

Thanks BTDT and Orchid,<p>Tonight I talked to WH for a long while, read the material, and he agreed we might be on the worse cases of resentment, where the lies and different D-Days just seem to make recovery slower than we would like.<p>I have tried to make him understand I am on an ackward withdrawal state, meaning I am on my own private rollercoaster, sometimes I adore him, sometimes I can't bear the thought of him.<p>I am trying my best not to LB, but depression sucks me into stupid mode, what else? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>I am trying to communicate my EN's as well as I can, but I am affraid that what I need the most I can't really direct him to it, since I am not even sure myself of what it is, all I know is that I need something significative, a bigger deposit on my own bank to make things go faster, (not in reality, but looking like they go faster), so I feel encouraged.<p>During our chat today we touched some issues I really needed to clarify. Every other time I had asked I hadn't gone into detail for fear of hearing something more dreadful than I'd expected or to not make him sad or upset.<p>I got a couple of things clearer than they were, and that does help. I am not really dwelling on the past, or at least I'd like to think so. I think what I want is to know my WH better since it seems I really had no idea who the hell I married.<p>BTDT, I am in wonderful terms with my parents. No I wasn't running away from home, I was going to college, had all I needed, but I was madly in love with the man my WH made me believe he was (he accepts he decieved me into believing he was what I thought he was), and I couldn't live another single day without him by my side.<p>I think what we really needed is to talk, well what I really needed anyways [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Apparently for what he can make up on the mess his mind was back then is that he never wanted anything other than just a quick sex fix with the OW, he knew it wouldn't last or work and he didn't actually like it. Why he did it anyways? I guess he was just very sick, (btw he says he was so I'll take his word for it)<p>I'll try to go to my gyn asap and check my hormones, as much as I hate doctors I really hate playing guessing games about babies.<p>Well other thing I learnt is that he is not pretty sure how often he was even thinking of me while intimate, take that [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] I think that was a pretty bad slap in the face, but I guess I can take it, as long as he is being sincere, I rather that than never knowing or him not telling.<p>I'll try to get him to post sometime see if he gets the scoop in all of this and can manage some nice advice just like the one you are all getting me.<p>I really don't know what would I do without some of this info... perhaps get a very big fwaping stick and get into fwaping untill my frustration and anger got out [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .

Well A, [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
It sounds like you are on the right track & I am so glad to hear that you have a good relationship with your parents. <p>One thing I know is that learning basic MB concepts has prevented me from having to spend any $$ on counseling. If your WS is open to MB--you are very, extremely fortunate because many are not... Since your H is remorseful and being honest about his reasoning behind having the affair and what led up to it (fantasizing), you are also extremely EXTREMELY fortunate cuz now you can find tools to prevent it from happening again--tools that will help HIM protect himself from his own weaknesses. Doesn't sound like your WH is in a fog.<p>You, however, are in the powerful position to negotiate some new groundrules (e.g., the Policy of Joint Agreement, for one). <p>You're going to make it, *I* think, and so is your marriage. I'm sorry your husband mislead you, but I think marriage changes all of us. I didn't become an insecure, neurotic, demanding witch until after I said "I do!" (kidding, well, sorta!) [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Imagine me out here in cyberland, holding your hand... my prayers are with you!

Thanks BTDT,<p>I do think we can recover, the rollercoaster is up today, and I am clinging to the up, I never want to be down there again, it hurts awfully.<p>I am intimate with him on time to time, more so lately. He seems to really be going crazy about me out of the sudden lol.<p>I appreciate his efforts very much. He has tried very sweet things to make me love him again, they just come out crooked or backwards, he always second guesses himself and isn't much of a planner so normally it ends up in a bit of a disaster, but I recognize his efforts anyways.<p>He needs some help in how to handle me, I am pretty much a big pile of explosives just wanting to blow up [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] just as you said, I wasn't this crazy psychotic insecure bleep untill I said I do LOL!<p>Now... I WANT FLOWERS... I am going crazy here, just thinking of things for him to do for me so he has a clue. I am trying to help as much as possible.

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
I guess marriage brings out "the best" in all of us! It amazed me how I had this view of all my married friends when I was single. I could only see how blessed they were to have a man around to share their daily lives with. I could only see how my friends' husbands were all just doing their best to please their wives and it seemed to me that my girlfriends could only glare at their husbands' faults. To me, the wives I knew all seemed very demanding and difficult to please and ungrateful. I never said anything, just kept all these love busting judgments to myself. MISTAKE TO POINT THE FINGER WITH THREE POINTING BACK AT ME!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>By the time I married, I was 31--MORE than mature and ready--or so I thought... OMG! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Marriage brought all my insecurities to the surface--plus qualities I didn't even realize I had. I was amazed at myself and definitely surprised. I guess because we have ideas of how married life is supposed to be and/or how we want our married life to be so when things fall short, we feel somewhat defrauded. AS IF! someone else must live up to our expectations... Oh well, I guess that is another story for another day!<p>Someone once gave me some marital advice and I have always remembered it. They said, "Don't have any expectations (of your mate) and you won't be disappointed." How true! HOW TRUE!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Another one said, "Don't get married if you don't want to change!" SO SO TRUE!<p>Anyways, glad you're having a good day. I hope things keep looking up for you!

Sheesh I had ranted a lot, but I clicked in the wrong button and it all got erased. Can't even remember half the things I was ranting about LOL!!!<p>Well I know my WH needed some IC BEFORE he could think of even being in a relationship. People should be stable before they can even think of getting married. Why can't they understand it???<p>Ok ok I know I am ONLY 21, but I think I knew better already (at 19). I know that before I got married I already had "found myself" (took me a year of studying phylosophy, theology, psychology a lil bit, talking to my teachers, mentors, elders, anybody with more brain than me).
I knew how to live with my family, knew how to get along, knew how to avoid fights and we really loved one another.
I had travelled the world, been to places, learnt about other cultures.
I was independant and with full knowledge of my flaws and virtues.
I had enough boyfriends for a life time, in all age ranges, (always over my age a couple a bit under mine when I was a teen, huge mistakes lol).
I knew what I wanted, how I wanted it.
I accepted full responsability for my errors, if I messed up I messed up and I stayed untill it all was fixed.<p>I grew up, I liked growing up, and I never tried to go too fast, it just seemed like the normal, sensitive good thing to do.<p>I am an educated person, I have done my reading, my learning and fair share of teaching (not preaching, hate preaching >_&lt [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] . I had gotten out of horrible terrible situations I didn't even try to get into, and moved on without further trauma or acusations to anybody.<p>I know how to take care of myself and I pride on never stopping to learn, and always believe I can do much better.<p>I love helping others, making their day with small things. I love my friends, and my friends love me, they never have left me down or hurt me in any way. <p>I like enjoying my life one detail at a time, and I guess believing my WH would understand and be as grown up as I had assumed a man on his late twenties should be was a huge mistake.<p>He knew me, liked my phylosophy and made me believe he thought and felt and acted on the same way, of course it turned out to be all lies lies lies, but oh well.<p>Good things I can count that cheer me up on New Years eve and make me look forward.<p>1-My WH loves me, apparently he always loved me over everything-everybody else he ever knew. Go figure [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] . Also I am the only person he has ever, since he exist, being in love with.<p>2-My WH chose me, he got to this conclution a long time ago I was just not listening to why he thought of it like that. He never wanted any other relationship. A quick fix aint a relationship and he realized it had been a mistake.<p>3-I am the only person my WH enjoys taking out and hanging out with (that is female anyways LOL). He hated going out with OW and all of his exgf's. He said they were nasty, greedy, nagging, annoying, kinda stupid and very whiny.<p>4-He never enjoyed watching a movie before with any female.<p>5-He never took anybody out to dinner to nice places, and often appart from me.<p>6-He never ever wanted to have babies with anybody appart from me. He came to the extreme of telling exOW (before he met me while they were actually living together, before they broke up), that he would never take part in such atrocity and that he pitied the kid she ever had. (BTW he repeated this all the time).<p>7-I never think of exOW as a threat, I can take her, she is shorter and for what I hear people say very much stupid, (doesn't know where Canada or Mexico is, and I am then very sure doesn't even know there are other states appart from FL). She is so average looking she couldn't hold a candle to me, and I can reasure that to myself, believe me LOL.<p>8-I love my husband, I always will. I am proud I never hurt him and I never disrespected his love. I know I can be a better wife now, but I need some time.<p>9-I still have me, not much mind me, but at least I have myself, and all the things I know and learnt.<p>10-I have a family and friends that love me and would never let me down in case of need. I love them with all my heart too.<p>11- We are finally moving out of this dump in about 4 months if things go smoothly, finally!, lol [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thats what I got, makes me feel better to say what is the up.