I am getting so hurt by H's inanbility to truly want our marriage- as opposed to wanting OW or waiting for her to leaver her Marrigae, etc etc... I have LB'd too much in Plan A, because I am so hurt... Moving to plan b for my sanity... advise? <p>
Trying to take care of me now.<p>Thanks, Honey

honey,<p>Plan B ain't going to work if you haven't done Plan A. Plan B would be nothing but a welcome BREATHER for him under those circumstances. In order to make him WANT to work on the marriage, he needs to SEE the good side of you that made him love you in the first place. He can't see that if you are cutting off all communication. As it stands now, he has NO REASON to want the marriage because you are LBing him. <p>Unfortunately, you sound alot like me in that you are a LB Queen. Forgive me if I am wrong, but I was reading serious "LOVEBUSTING" between the lines in your thread about "has your WS called the cops on you?" Yes, my estranged spouse [not my current one] called the cops on me NUMEROUS times because I did crazy things like pull him over on the highway and try to punch him out and then smash my car into his. <p>The bottom line is this, honey: you HAVE to get control of your emotions here in order to have a chance. You need to ABIDE by the rules of Marriage Builders instead of the rules of honeyscorned. <p>Get yourself under control and quit giving into your very angry outraged emotions. Otherwise he will never see that good side of you that will make him want you back. I know it's hard, especially when you feel like going over there and shooting him, but it CAN BE DONE. <p>Don't throw your marriage away [like I did]because it feels good - for the moment - to have an outraged temper tantrum. Don't let your emotions destroy your chances. You CAN control them!

Honey,<p>There are two important things for plan B. The first is that you are ready for it. And the second that you are able to stick to it. <p>Doing Plan B with children can be a little difficult because of the need to co-parent. Is there someone who is willing to act as a go-between for Plan B? Someone you can drop the kids off with so that your H can pick them up. This will keep you from having to have contact with him. Have you started to write your Plan B letter.

honey,<p>One thing that helped calm me down and work off some of the RAGE I felt was working out. I started doing killer workouts every night in my living room and that helped alleviate alot of the tension. And instead of taking my fury out on my H, I took it out in my living room. The Firm puts out the best, most effective workout tapes, bar none. <p>Here I am 3 years later and now it is a habit! I also ended up with the best figure I have had since I was a teenager.

"I'm all out of love" - song by Air Supply <p>That's the guide for moving to Plan B - and by the look of things, he's run the account into the red. <p>The only caution I would have about doing a Plan B, is avoiding escalating anything. <p>I've been told I have a rather volitile temper - to the point where my supervisor recommended anger management classes. (I exploded at a co-worker who had been stealing my clients and then got mad at me for standing up to her.) I am learning to use some yoga breathing techniques during conflict that really help me.<p>Your husband knows how to push your buttons. Then he can make you out to be the bad guy. A good Plan B will help you avoid stepping into his traps, but understand, he may become more provocative than ever if you try to cut off contact. Be prepared for a psychotic Mr. Nasty to try to make you look even crazier. He's at war. You may not want to engage in war with him. But he's going to do his attacks, like it or not. <p>Good luck.

In my opinion you are in NO WAY ready to Plan B your h. You haven't even Plan A'd him. You are still angry, have outburst, have no self-control over your anger so in no way can you say i have done all that I can do IN PLAN A, but it has not changed his actions. You are not ready to Plan B, you are angry, hurt and rejected and want a quick fix. Going to Plan B before you are ready is not the way. Because if you go into Plan B and then continue contacting him, then he will take your Plan B as a joke and will not take you seriously in the future. Like I said b4, JMO

Thank you kind souls, I saw him tongiht to drop off kids, and have kind of felt like I am losing my mind... I am through LBing... yes for good.... Melody Lane... did you call those aerobic tapes, the firm... I am going to look for them... I need to work out,, and the home work out would be perfect... my silly fun boys would probably jump around with me..!! We would hav e a ball.. we all pillow punched together last night.. they saw me doing it, and we were all laughing so hard while we beat up the pillows! <p>Anyway... I do not think I am really ready for plan b either... I want to continue plan a... things have gotten worse... as now my H again is more in love/lust with OW... she wants to pack up her things and move in with him now... <p>HELP> But maybe their reality will not be pretty... he will probably LB her, and her him... at least I hope so.<p>He says I am better, and he loves me more- I am scared now.. I really messed up badly... I hope their love will be on the rox for a while....<p>I love him too much is my problem...<p>honey

Honey,<p>I don't think you should go to plan B, but how about a plan A breather?<p>What is a plan A breather? Well - it is definitely stopping the lovebusters - but it is also 'planning' quality interaction with your spouse. That means - when you are not prepared to interact positively, you just don't.<p>1) Make up some cue cards to rehearse your behavior for unplanned interaction. They can be simple phrases, like: "Oh, my gosh! I didn't realize I threw my angora sweater in the washer on hot water! I'll have to talk with you later, okay? When is a good time?" or "Woops! I'll have to call you back! Sorry! I don't want to pee my pants! I knew I shouldn't have drank all that coffee! or "Gosh, I'm sorry but I just can't talk right now, I have to help our child in the bathtub!" You get the idea. They are "exit cues". You do this every time that you are not prepared for interaction. Saves you from a lovebuster.<p>2) Plan your conversations and time with your husband. Have specific goals. (All goals should include the no-lovebuster rule.) Some planned interactions could be talking about the Rose Parade, or a cute commercial, or ANYTHING that is not related to marriage, OW, or your needs.<p>3) Lower your expectations! Your husband, in the fog, is not capable of remembering anything about your relationship that was positive right now! So, don't go there! Keep conversations light and fun. Nothing serious. If you feel it is headed in a direction you KNOW is off-limits, then just use one of your rehearsed exit cues. <p>And, for right now, your only job is to breathe and avoid any conflict with your husband.<p>TNT

Hi and thank you tnt, you are great and funny too! I like the one about I drank too much coffee and might pee in my pants... ha ha! On the phone today,... I did say...oh I have to goo... when he caLLED ABOUT THE KIDS and I started getting upset.. again... <p>tonight he sd... after my pleading, he will still go to cousenling but wants to now file... OK< whatever.. thanks for still going... lisa...

No way are you ready for Plan B.<p>Plan B means you have done Plan A (which you haven't) and that you are running out of love (which you swear you aren't) and that you are willing to accept that Plan B could be the end of your marriage (and don't EVEN try to tell me that you are close to acceptance on that).<p>In your current emotional state, you are considering how to Plan Control, instead of Plan Boundary.<p>You should be doing your Plan A. But that involves letting go of your H.

thanks BR - I appreciate your support too. I know I need to let go, I am now seeking an alanon meeting a day due to my current emotinal destructive state... I am falling apart and I feel the fool. I love him so much do not know how we ever got here... thanks so much- I do need plan control and plan my life... Getting close to him through sf made him happy and me needy... also all the openness and pillow talk about their pillow talk and sexual positions, made me cray, I do not want to hear how the OW likes it, and what she does, even if he doesn't like it, this is not the type of girl I am or ever will be.
thanks- HONEY

Honey ~ Good morning, how are you doing?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>thanks so much- I do need plan control and plan my life... <hr></blockquote><p>I think you misunderstood me - I just reread what I wrote and I can see that I wasn't clear. I'm sorry, it was late last night and my H and I had both been coding on a big project all night (we can't get ANYTHING done during the day with kids home on vacation!) Anyway....<p>What I was trying to say was that if you are considering Plan B right now, that what you are really doing is looking to add weapons to your arsenal to use as a method of control and manipulation to get your H's attention.<p>Plan B, used as control and manipulation, will fail to help you at all. In fact, as someone said earlier, it will just make your H happy.<p>Anytime you take action with a specific outcome/result/reaction intended or planned on the part of someone else...its manipulation. It's not love, it is a form of selfish demand.<p>Yes you do need a plan for your life. I think the 12 steps are a good place to start. Your life is unmanageable isn't it? So what are your next steps?<p>Well, start with becoming willing to accept that your Higher Power (God as you understand Him) CAN fix your life...if you let him.<p>And then...you have to give your life to Him and let GO and stop controlling, manipulating, expecting and demanding whatever results you think you need to have in your life.<p>You see, when we try to manipulate and control others, we are setting ourselves up as more powerful than our Higher Power. And since we are only imperfect beings, the results are always far from perfect.

BR, Thanks again... I think I really did understand you... I meant I mean control for me... control of myself and taking care of me, and a plan for my individual life right now without him.<p>I have had a terrible time facing reality. I got my H having sf with me and going out with me and to counseling after my last big LB 2 months ago... I think he will still give chances for more of us working together... <p>BUT- is understandably reluctant... every month for 3 months at month end I have freaked out and wanted him home again. It has not worked for me to beg... he has to want to come home- and he has to feel safe here... he will probably learn more about evil OW as time passes- right. <p>I am working 12 steps right now and going to daily meetings for a while. It is helping a lot... as I feel in crisis.<p>I am taking conterol of me, not him... I am not manipulative by nature... so sorry if you thought I was trying to control him... well, guess I would like to make him leave the idea of an ow and come home.... I feel awful for letting my marriage get to this point... but I never knew this would happen.. I feel my H is a crzy person.<p>thanks, HONEY