Hello to all,<p> I hope everyone had a happy holiday. <p> I'm an oldtimer. I hate to list my vitals everytime I post, which is sporadic. I saw how some people have them listed at the end of their message. Can someone clue me into to how to do that??<p> Anyway, I've gained so much insight into what went wrong in my marriage and also who I am now as a person. It's been a long and difficult journey. When people tell you you need to work on yourself - at first that is difficult because you are still so engorssed in your pain. It takes time.<p> I think I understand why the Harley's say it can take a few years to see where things are going. The most difficult part is to not give up,not to give in to despair or anger. I really want my marriage to be repaired. I truly feel in my heart that it took two poeple to lead us down this path. Neither of us meant to hurt the other person the way we did, but we are all human and make mistakes. Life is messy.<p> So, I have not given up on my marriage even though my husband and I have been separated for over a year. He is not involved with the OW except in the fact that they had a child and he wants to be a part of that child's life. I can accept that. An innocent child shouldn't have to suffer because of the mistakes the parents made. In fact I gave my husband a Christmas gift to give to K. for the baby and told him I viewed the child as my stepchild and if we got back together would accept him openly. This has been a long journey, it has taken much soul searching, therapy and quasi-dating to get here. Dating? You say? Yes, I have been casusally dating and it only has convinced me more that the person I like best is my husband.<p> Now where am I in this journey? Completely surrendering control in regards to what my husband does. I lead my life. I am active, have a good social life, career etc. My husband and I have been dating for the past 6 months. It is very difficult but I have FINALLY learned to do a real Plan A. I don't try to make him feel guilty, foolish, or subtly try to control the situation. I'm not giving him books to read, insisting we go to therapy etc. I am available but also I have a life. We seem to be getting closer and closer the more I finally let go of my pain and began to live, That's what's so difficult!!! <p> My good news (and the real reason for this post) is the Christmas card my husband gave me. He has always been the person that read the cards and picked out an appropriate sentiment so I know he thought about it. Now I've been cautioned to not read too much into it but I'm just going to take it as a positive sign. It is a sentimental card about "How I'm glad to have you in my life... through good times and bad etc" the hand written note at the end reads."I am also so thankful for you trying to bring us back together." So I am staying the course. Babysteps and no demands and leading my life fully in the meantime.
Any comments?
Kris<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Dearest Kris:<p>So glad to hear your good news! I think this is fantastic-- YOU GOT IT [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ...and, all on your very own. I'm so glad things are shaping up for you and hubby. You bring joy to my heart [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> In fact I gave my husband a Christmas gift to give to K. for the baby and told him I viewed the child as my stepchild and if we got back together would accept him openly. <hr></blockquote><p>Ahhh...what a perfect Christmas gift!<p>You did good, Kris!<p>God Bless you and your family. Love, ~Marie

Thank you Marie,<p> It's nice to hear from you. So, you think I may be on the right track? I guess only time will tell. I still have to rein in my more impatient side but I am learning. Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. How are things going for you?
Kris

AKA,<p>Sounds like the right track to me. Perhaps WH can't bring himself to say the words out loud yet. My WH was the same in picking out the perfect card, saying just the right thing, hurt when I didn't get an anniversary card or birthday card this year.<p>You are being very strong for openly accepting his child,I hope that he will appreciate that.<p>You've been dating your H for 6 months, how cool!!! What kind of dates do you go on? Does he do all the planning?<p>The signature thing is with "my profile" I'm not exactly sure someone told me how to do it, I think it is pretty self explainatory though.<p>I think that you have a ray of hope there with WH and sometimes that's what sustains us.<p>Dawn

Thank you Daybreak,<p> I am constantly working at my Plan A. I just got off the phone with my husband a little while ago. Here is what I have learned; it seems so simple yet is so dofficult because it goes against years of old patterns. I asked him if he wanted to see each other over this weekend. I left it entirely up to him. When he called tonight. I made NO mention of it. We had a real good "like old times" conversation but I kept out all reference to our going out. He did talk about how busy his business was for the upcoming holiday. We talked about that. We talked about the kids and the party I was having on New Years Day. Then we said our goodbyes. That was it. he was left with a feel good conversation with NO GUILT. Now in the past I would have pushed to see each other and he would have felt I was being controlling (Our number 1 big issue!!!) or demeaning about his job. I think I would have sutbly (or maybe not so sutbly) made him feel inadequate for having to work so much.
Now I don't know where this is going but I think I finally have the hang of Plan A and the time it takes to prove to someone you can change. I am respectful of the fact that at this age (45)12 hour days can exhaust you!!
As to our dates, we generally go to the movies, or out to dinner. He has begun to do the planning now that I'm learning to let what ever is going to be...be.
Kris

Great news....something to maybe look forward to. I wish you both the best. It is so neat to hear about positive situations.

"I'm learning to let what ever is going to be...be."<p>
I love it!! You are doing a great plan A, I worked hard on my plan A while WH was here for holidays, got sabotoged by son as he lost his job for lack of attending and I blew up at him (Like before) not a big blow up though I got myself back under control quickly.<p>We have had those "good ole time" talks and I love it, that it my husband talking with me, not the guy that he is now, and I guess that is why I stay in plan A and not moving to B, but I wonder does this allow him to be a cakeman, having his cake and eating it too?<p>So what do you think will come this weekend? You did good not pushing.<p>Dawn

Dawn,<p> I have suffered with those "let him have his cake nd eat it too" worries. I have decieded to not do what everyone says about that. What is right for me is to let him have his cake and eat it too - kind of. I still get good child support, ask him to share with doctor appts., (we have 4 kids) make sure I have the kids every holiday, etc. My divorce papers are slowly chugging through the courts. They could be put on hold at anytime but I will not do it. He has to make the desire known to me in some way. <p> So much of our dynamic was twisted up in him being passive, me being dynamic and then him resenting me for making him feel inadequate. I admit I treated him that way sometimes because I didn't respect who he was sometimes. And that is so ridiculous because I do respect him, love him but lost sight of that in the myriad of life's chores. I am just slowly doing my great Plan A and seeing what happens. I am open to all life's possibilities. That's why I am open to casual dating. It is nothing more than dinner and a movie usually, but it lets me experience the world that could be.<p> The weekend is more than half over and he takes the kid out Sunday afternoons. I predict he will just ask me to go out later in the week. I will accept if it is a good day for me and be my most charming self. All those behaviors of first being in love have to be brought out again.<p> Misery - it isn't a happy ending yet by far. I'd give us a fifty-fifty chance. But this time last year I was in a real strong Plan B and the OW had just had a birth announcement put in the local paper regarding their child. So, I've come a long way!!!<p> Kris

It's so nice to see how you're doing. I remember your story, as I have been posting here for 10 months now.
I can see the progress is much more possible when the A really is over.
My WH would like to talk to me sometimes but little progress can be made while he's still involved with OW.
I believe you've really hit on something about letting go of the control in the relationship. I think this is so important. How do you think a person can let go of the control in a relationship yet be in plan B?
This is a little confusing for me.<p>Keep on growing.

"So much of our dynamic was twisted up in him being passive, me being dynamic and then him resenting me for making him feel inadequate. I admit I treated him that way sometimes because I didn't respect who he was sometimes. And that is so ridiculous because I do respect him, love him but lost sight of that in the myriad of life's chores. I am just slowly doing my great Plan A and seeing what happens."<p>I know that this was a BIG part of our problem, he had allowed me to have most of the control in our relationship. Someone else posted quite a thread on this one time and I forwarded it to WH with an apology, He just e mailed back with this was not because of me or what I had done, it was what he wanted with his life. BLAH BLAH BLAH, He works so hard to convince himself he is doing this to be happy.<p>Dawn

Wow - talk about tenacity. I'm at approx the 1.5 year mark, H is home, recent renewed contact with OW,(email and two phonecalls) but H did send a no contact letter in Nov.
Since, we've been close and loving, however I know that he still has lots of issues he hasn't faced. He still doesn't feel "in love".
I'm going through a funny period of "sadness" again. Trying not to let it get me down.
Reading your post was very uplifting for me and renews my hope and motivation for a strong plan A.

Kris-<p>Your post is wonderful...so much growth & good things happening!!! I'm hoping the progress continues & you two eventually find yourselves in a great new & improved marriage.<p>Hugs--<p>Kathi

Maezy - I don't know about Plan B. In some ways I think it put us backwards. My husband wasn't ready to see the light then. He looked at it as me trying to control him. And when I said no contact - I really stuck to it. We only communicated by note for 9 months. It wasn't until a therapist that my son sees had seen my husband privately and then asked me why was I persuing a divorce. In his words, "Your husband doesn't want a divorce, he just isn't ready to come home yet." That really started to change things because we then started counseling together. The counseling didn't really go to great after a while because then the therapist was pressuring my husband to make a decision and he refuses to be pressured at this point. Now we are dong it my husbands way - dating. So in a way I feel like I lost 9 months by being in Plan B. However, maybe it was nesessary for me to start to pull myself together and my husband to pull himself together separetely. Which we needed to do before anything else could happen. I don't know if this information is helpful. I guess the letting go, would be to truly have no contact and go into therapy for yourself. I know during the 9 months I made a special effort to go out with friends, do special things with my kids, start exercising more etc.<p>Dawn - I hate to play the devil's advocate but it was when I stopped doing things like emailing him threads etc. that he started to become less defensive. Find the thread on the Emotional Needs board - I think it was started by Thorned Rose. She talks about how she felt and what led her to an affair. I believe she echoes a lot of WS if they are honest enough to admit it. My husband is a good man. He had to be hurting for a long time to choose this path. Not that it's the right one. It isn't. But I understand what he was feeling finally. I wish he could have shared those feelings with me. But that was his weakness. He's such a people pleaser.<p>Kathi - as always thanks for the kind words. You are truly a special person.<p>Now from the, Can You Top This category. You know I sent a Christmas gift to the OC. Well, today my husband came to take the kids out (and as I predicted made a date with me for Wed.) He is not involved with OW except for the OC. He had a Christmas card and a pie baked for me and the kids by K. OW) Just one big happy family - that's us!!! Not really, but at least we're all trying to be civil.
Kris