I'm not sure if I'm going to post this but I need to blow off steam somehow. It's been over 10 months since I asked my WH to move out on d-day in Feb. 2001.
This is my journey so far....
After WH moved out (and in with OW) , I decided that I wanted him back and I was too weak to continue to stand up to him. Whether it was a good idead or a bad idea, I went into plan A and asked him to come home. He still hasn't. About the six month mark, I went into plan B and told him I didn't want to see him anymore. (He had been visiting 2 or 3 times a week while I was in plan A). Two days after the plan B letter, he came home in the middle of the night and told me he wanted to end it with her and that I should be patient. So I was back in plan A(which wasn't smart) for awhile. He was obviously trying to have his cake and eat it too so I went back to plan B.
Recently I have really stood up to him, probably for the first time in our marriage. He asked to come for Christmas dinner-I said no but did let him over to visit with the kids for an hour.
I have finally taken a stand with him but I fear it is too late and that because he has gone back and forth so much in the past that he will just continue to do so.
Now I'm thinking of going away for 6 months or so but then I think-what's the point?? It will probably stress me out more than him- or maybe it's what I need.<p>He still tells me he wants to leave her, get his own place and go from there.
Even though he's moved out he manages to see me fairly often-which is brief at my insistence.<p>Another option is to leave my house empty and move somewhere in this city where he doesn't know where I am.<p>Any suggestions??

Hi, I do not know your story, but wanted to let you know I read your post and I feel your pain. I am sorry that you are in this situation Be strong for you. Do not take it anymore... unless you are ok with it... I am really tired of all of ths crap - MEN! I am not going to put up with it anymore from my H, really tired of where he is coming from if you know what I mean! PRAYERS AND HUGS TO YOU in your decision... do not know about becoming unfindable if you have kids.. but how old are there, and do you have sole custody? If still custody age kids? good luck... I'll ck back if you want to tell a little more. HONEY

hello honey
What do you mean when you say that you are not going to take it any more from your WH? I am finding it difficult to take a stand with mine because it does not come naturally with me and I always worry about doing it the right way-without LBing-although the longer the A continues, the less tolerant I feel and the less I care.
I do think I need to be assertive, not aggressive, if you know what I mean.
I read in a book recently that this type of A can go on for life!!!!I think that's if the WS can have his cake and eat it too.This really scares me. That's worse than not having him at all.<p>Our kids are basically grown up so that is not a worry. WS and I met when I was in high school too.
We married very young and I had no idea that he was unhappy, just took him for granted.
Now I believe he's in some kind of addictive relationship where he says he wants out but can't bring himself to do it.
Do you believe that your H's A is over?How long has it gone on for you?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by MAEZY:
<strong>Two days after the plan B letter, he came home in the middle of the night and told me he wanted to end it with her and that I should be patient. So I was back in plan A(which wasn't smart) for awhile....Recently I have really stood up to him, probably for the first time in our marriage. He asked to come for Christmas dinner-I said no but did let him over to visit with the kids for an hour.
I have finally taken a stand with him but I fear it is too late and that because he has gone back and forth so much in the past that he will just continue to do so.
He still tells me he wants to leave her, get his own place and go from there.
Even though he's moved out he manages to see me fairly often-which is brief at my insistence.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hi, Maezy,
I have been seeing your story on the boards for a long while now, but I'm sorry, I don't remember a lot of the particulars. When I first came on the boards several months ago, I was a mess, so I read A LOT, but don't remember a lot of anybody's details.<p>What I got from reading this post, though, is that although YOU SAY you "stand up for yourself" w/WH, I don't see evidence of it. You went into Plan B, and he came sneaking home. You relented, went to Plan A, and life continued....<p>You then go on to say you have "taken a firm stand" with him, yet you also say he manages to see you fairly often.....<p>Dear Maezy, you are NOT in "Plan B"! If you are going to be in Plan B, then it means NO CONTACT. Period. If your children are almost grown, there is no need for contact OF ANY KIND. If you are not going to be in Plan A, then understand that he is doing the "Cakeman Walk."<p>Please - for YOURSELF - decide what you want. Decide the best way to achieve that and pursue that action. What you are doing to yourself here is painful and destructive. It is not healthy, and I can hear your pain through your post. I wish for you a New Year filled with Love, Happiness and Peace. What you have now is so far away from that that I'm hurting for you right now.<p>I'm sorry for being abrupt. I guess this is the "new me" I'm trying on. The one I'm trying to have ready for my next "encounter" with my WH. I want to be strong, confident, speak the truth in love, BUT not cave in or sound "wishy-washy." Not that I've ever had a problem sounding/being strong, independent, but it's the "doing it in love" part that I'm not too good at! Please stand up for yourself and your feelings. You deserve this!<p>God Bless,
Lupo

Lupo
How are you going to be strong and independant with your next encounter? I need to be the same, just as you state. I believe that any chance for reconciliation and just for my happiness lies in that ability to be strong.
And it is harder in love, isn't it?
How do your encounters occur?
My WH might phone me at 2 a.m. sometime or he might stop over at our house to do some bookkeeping. He comes to do his bookkeeping at our house and usually does not see me while he is here. I really don't mind to say hello to him but I do think I've made it clear that I will NOT be spending any time with him.
Does this sound strong enough?
If he phones me I will tell him I do not want to talk and leave it at that.<p>I really do feel stronger than ever before-although that may not be saying much.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>How are you going to be strong and independant with your next encounter? </strong><hr></blockquote>
I'm still working on it, actually! I'm thinking that I will be mindful of what I discuss with him. NOT get "sucked in" to conversations where I sound like I'm not handling things well. Stay "happy" and upbeat.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>How do your encounters occur?</strong><hr></blockquote>
Well, actually, our "encounters" occur if I call HIM. I'm working on changing this, BUT the last time I didn't call him, we didn't talk for about 6 weeks. That didn't feel good! He was happy to hear from me, though, and we talked for an hour, and as if that weren't enough time, he called me right back with some flimsy thing he just remembered. However, HE never calls ME first! It's a delicate balance. The difference is that for all intent and purposes, I am still in Plan A.<p><strong> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>My WH might phone me at 2 a.m. sometime or he might stop over at our house to do some bookkeeping. Does this sound strong enough?<hr></blockquote></strong>
Mostly, but I don't believe I'd answer his calls at 2 am. IF he must come over to do bookkeeping, fine, but be gone, leave, or just stay away from him while he's there!<p>I hope you know I'm NOT trying to tell you how to deal with your situation, I certainly don't know, just that your pain from what you are doing, and the waffling is not helping you obtain any peace.<p>I believe more than anything else, we have to show our WS's that we ARE living without them, CAN live without them, and DON'T let them see us "suffering" or pleading or any negative image, does more for making them re-think their position than any other one thing we do! Confusing and counter-intuitive, but seemingly true!

Maezy, I guess I can say don't take it anymore.. but do not really know how to do it. I am trying... try keeping in control of things.. staying at your house is very good and not going to whereever he is is very good.... I get out of control when I see my H building his seperate life--- it really hurts. I think I have to plug in the answering machine again... what a freak!
I am so tired of the psycho babble - psycho freak just went off on me.<p>HONEY

Thanks again you guys. I am considering what you have said and what AKA Quakermom says about control, and how they fit in together with being firm yet not trying to control.
It occurred to me yesterday after posting here, that I am mostly to blame for my misery.
I have so much to be grateful for, and to continue pouting after 10+ months of being without my WH, I should be able to create my own happiness without relying on him and waiting for him to "come home".
I do believe I have taken a stand with him but at the same time I have been expecting to control him and getting angry and frustrated because it hasn't been working.
I know I must give up the control issue.I must be content within myself, whatever WH ends up doing, and I must continue on and be happy, with or without my WH, to make my life what I want it to be.