Please - all feedback welcome. I have been reading all the information I can find on this web site - it was first glimmer of hope I found since D-Day 11/18/01.
My 10 year anniversary was 11/17 and I thought it was a beautiful day that we were happiest we have been in several years. Then, on 11/18 I discovered H cell phone bill with lots of calls to/from OW. H admitted to having an affair in May when he was out of State for extended stay with our son for my son's medical condition. He told me it wasn't going anywhere, and that he told OW that, but she keeps contacting him. He said he doesn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her not to contact him (although it absolutely devastated mine). Then he told me that he wasn't sure he wanted to stay married to me, that he wasn't "passionate" about me anymore, that he blamed me for our son who was born prematurely and is now 4 years old with profound mental disabilities. (Whom I also love with my whole being). I tell you, I was almost suicidal in my thinking because it hurt SO BAD. Anyway, he said he "wasn't sure", and I read about Plan A, so even though it was completely against what I felt, I started to implement Plan A, working to avoid LBs, and discuss meeting his emotional needs. Although not always successful, nevertheless in the month since this happened, my husband mentioned that he was encouraged that things might actually be able to change between us. However, he has not committed to working on saving the marriage, in fact does not want anything to do with counseling. So I feel like the only one trying here.
Last night I was really feeling upset about all this, especially his lack of physical attraction to me. So I asked him if he still felt that way. He said yes and I was so devastated that I suggested he go stay in the apartment he rented last month. He got angry and stormed out, and now I'm kicking myself.
I'm thinking that I did a MAJOR LB, that I should be encouraging him to stay and not leave, and wondering if, now that he has decided to leave, should I implement Plan B?
He has had the apartment for a month, and had not yet spent a night there. He stayed here at the house with me because "he wanted to avoid pain". I would like to think its because he really did not want to leave.
My H has a history of lying to me - even about small things. He even lied to me one time about taking our son to the doctor. He is addicted to the internet with secret email addresses, lots of aliases, and secret passwords. I found a personal ad he had written back in July looking for another woman. A few years ago he had a gambling addiction which racked up $20,000 in debt which we are still paying off. He is also a recovering alcoholic of 14 years and I really don't think he is drinking now. He has a lot of anger about our son, and constantly swears at God and tells him that he can't wait to get his hands around his throat. Now - having said all of that - I love the man deeply. The good qualities of his that I fell in love with 10 years ago are still the same qualities I love about him today. He really is a tremendous father, loving, gentle and patient with our son. He was our son's primary caregiver during difficult medical times over the past few years while I have been the primary financial support for the family. I can see from reading this web site that a lot of LBs by both of us have contributed to this situation. I am willing to try to fix it, but he doesn't seem to be. I also am NOT certain that his A is over with OW.
I am an emotional mess now. I've lost 20 lbs in the past month, can't eat, can't sleep, can't concentrate which is a problem because I'm the primary financial support (and provider of health insurance). Can't afford to lose my job. I have found a personal counselor also, to try to take care of myself while we are working through this. Any suggestions and direction would be welcomed! Please help!

Dear WillingToTry,<p>The pain of your situation comes through so clearly in your post. You do not deserve to feel this way. One way or another, MB can help you through this low point in your life.<p>You are a strong woman to have endured such a series of emotional blows in your life and marriage. I am so sorry for your son's premature birth and continuing problems. Supporting your precious son through his medical treatments is stressful on a marrrige if there were no other problems. Please do whatever it takes to preserve your health. Have you spoken to your doctor about your stress level. There are measures that can help.<p>From what you say, your H has some serious unresolved issues related to your son's medical problems. WTT, your son's problems are not your fault. It is cruel and unrealistic of your H to blame you in any way. You are not internalizing his blame are you? Your H owes it to all of you to resolve this anger issue whether or not he stays in the M.<p>Your H has some wonderful qualities. You love him and want to preserve your marriage. It is possible that you will be successful. You absolutely can make changes in yourself that will make you a more compassionate partner. You can make it clear to your H that your home is a safe place for him. What you cannot do is change him or make him choose to correct his mistakes or make him stay in the marriage. He has to choose to do these things himself. <p>So the questions are is H willing to change and what is best for you and your son if he does not?<p>Your H is involved in a PA, he has participated in internet indescretions, he has/had gambling problems, he is a recovering alcoholic, and he has trouble controlling his anger. This is a lot to overcome. His choices will determine the outcome, because you have no control over how these issues are resolved. These are serious issues that no amount of Plan Aing will solve.<p>How long do you think you will be able to tolerate the way things are now without having a physical and/or emotional collapse? I am really concerned about you. Do you have friends or family nearby to support you? A church family? <p>There is no need to rush things to a conclusion. First, take care of your health. See your doctor on Monday. Second, urge your H in the strongest way to seek counselling for his anger issues. Continue your plan A, avoiding LBs, and meeting the EN he will let you meet. Then give him some time to decide if he will change.<p>WTT, think seriously about whether having your H out of the house will help you deal with the stress. If you get sick and can't work where will that leave you and your son? Your first priority is getting your health and stress level under control. Then you will have the strength to work through the issues with your M.<p>I can't offer you assurance that your M will be healed, but I can almost guarantee that your situation will improve and that you can have peace in your life again. I can definitely guarantee that there are many people here who will be here for you when you need support.<p>Wishing you the best outcome,
Estes<p>[ December 29, 2001: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>

Thanks SO MUCH Estes. It was a great comfort to me to read your reply - especially the last paragraph. I NEED peace in my life to give positive energy back to my son. As it stands now, I can meet his basic needs and that's about it. Also Thanks for the reminder that I have no control over people, places, and things - just myself. As much as I want H to be willing to work on M, I cannot make that happen. I will ponder what is best for my son and I if he comes to other conclusions. This is difficult because I NEVER thought I would have to think in these terms before. In the meantime, I know I have to work on keeping up my health and will make every effort to do so - and I DO MEAN EFFORT. Could hardly take a shower and get cleaned up today. As far as family/church support - that's always been a problem. No family live nearby, & respite care is hard to get. But I do have several people I can call by phone, and I have been doing that. And yes, I have been internalizing the blame H puts on me. I always have, even before he verbalized it. I'm intelligent and even though I know its not healthy, I have been beating myself up since he was born. Hearing H verbalize this was the crushing blow, I think. In the past, I have thought of myself as a strong, independent, decision making woman......today I need help because I can't think past the nose on my face. I would like to continue to post here and receive support, and advice. I am grateful to you,
Terri

HI, I am with Estes and agree that your husband is being cruel to you. I know you love him, but it is horrible for a man to make a woman feel so bad. My prayers go out to you, and I am very sorry that he is choosing to blame you for what is going on. My h is doing the same thing... everything is about him, he doesn't even care about me... it is all him him him. It really gets old... I am sorry that you have had to find this site... Hugs to you.<p>HUGS< HONEY

Willing To Try
I can identify with your pain. My WH said that he doesn't want to hurt her feelings either and continues to stay with her(10 months later)
I guess 25 years of M mean less to him than that!!
But I know he's in serious crisis here. Does your H have a history of being deprived or abused as a child?<p>I ask this because I know that with my WH, his A runs alot deeper than what happened in our M.<p>I advise you to take a stand against your WH if you are feeling strong enough to do it. Let him stay in his apartment and refuse to start rebuilding your M or seeing him until he gets counseeling and totally cleans up his act!
Trust me, if you take him back now before these issues are dealt with, they will only escalate in the future.

Dear Honey & Maeve,
Thanks for the hugs and prayers. You know, I think they helped! I am happy to report that I have made it through Day 1 without H. I don't think I could have done this by myself today.<p>No, Maeve, H doesn't have a history of deprivation or abuse other than his own past alcohol abuse. But he hasn't been attending his AA meetings regularly either. I think his grief over our son is the primary issue here, and he isn't dealing with it well. I thought we were doing okay, but obviously not. I think you might be right about the approach to H. I risk losing him if he decides to stay in his anger and grief, and not work to resolve issues, but its too difficult for me to live with. Talk about being between a rock and hard place.......<p>I am SO GRATEFUL to have had this outlet today and that I made it through today. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Thank you!