I have not posted in a while. H and I are on our way to a S in 5 weeks or so. I am so fed up and just ready to leave, but financially things are not ready. I still need a few more paychecks. I am getting so impatient and I have just spent all week long LBing. (Boy have I.) So much, it is running him out of the house. (He's gone.) <p>Anybody been here? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] I want out and know this with all my heart that Plan B is the only answer, but impatience is just taking over. All I want to do is hurt him like I'm hurting now. I don't know if I want to just want to leave in a hurry to commence the pain on him from a distance since it is not working still living with him or what? He just doesn't get it. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>All I know is my stomach erupts and my heart feels like it is empty whenever he is around, but when he pulls his dissappearing acts, all I want is him home. What!!!?? Could it be maybe it is because he is seeming to move on with his life and I'm not even out the door yet and it is making me either jealous or just disgusted, one? Meaning, I am really being self-concious of what he is telling his so called "friends" and co-workers. It really bugs me. <p>Man, I didn't think leaving would be this hard. I am disliking H now more than ever and I think I have crossed the line between love and hate. Ugh!!!!! Lord, calm my soul.......<p>Thanks for letting me vent....
Clouds

Hi, <p>When I felt as you did, I used to read this thread. It is called the 5 stages of grieving. It helped me calm down. Yes you are definitely in rough waters and if you find yourself LBing all over the place, you need to remove yourself or tell him. What???? Yes, tell him... 'you know what honey? I am soo frustrated right now I want to LB.' Then walk away. Let him wonder what that means. But walk away. cool down somewhere else. I know you are very frustrated but you need to vent in another mode. Here if you need. K?<p>Here's the thread:<p> http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html <p>I have shared this about 4-5 times today already. Must be the season. Don't feel alone in this. <p>Hugz,
L.

Thanks so much, Orchid. Will do.<p>Clouds

HI- You are not alone... I love my H and miss who he used to be... I can't take his new personality and the way that he treats me like a nonperson. I am trying to spend less and less time around him as he is disquisting me ,. kiling the love that is left,etc<p>hugs to you... honey

Thanks for the reply, Honey.<p>I know I am not alone in all this. None of us are even though it seems we are and that it will never end. I believe it will keep going on as long as we allow it. My H is lovin the fact that he gets to slice and taste. Why would he end it? After 10 years, what's to stop him from doing it another 10 years? ME--that's who.<p>I asked my H just yesterday, what does he want from me and why doesn't he just let me go. I even told him that I loved him enough to let him go. In one breath he was saying that I don't know him and that he knows the marriage is over with so who cares [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] and in another breath he was saying that I just don't know how much he loves me. Today he is acting like nothing is wrong. Tomorrow his head will spin, (It's Saturday), and his evil twin will emerge. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I am so glad that so many are plan Aing and doing all they can to keep it together, but I still have to ask the question, how long do we do it and how much are we suppose to take? I know that my only hope is to plan B and eventually plan D [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I deserve better. If he wants this queen, he is going to have to do what it takes. I am not accepting any less. I feel good about plan Bing. There is no guilt and I know there will be no regret. It is what every bone in my body tells me is best for me.<p>Patience---and counting down [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
Thanks for the hugs
Clouds

No, you don't just want him home, you want him whole. 1/2 a man is not good enough for you. It also is a way to make a false start. <p>So what do you do? Set your sites on making your H a whole man. At one point (after 3 false starts), I told H that I needed him to do something no one else could do..... I asked him (politely and very seriously with tears streaming down my face) to please go and find my real H, ask him to come home so I could give him a hug, tell him I love him and give him one last kiss good-bye. H's response? He said, 'yes I would like to find him too, I miss him.' That response blew me away but I was crying so much you couldn't tell. But I learned a valuable lesson from that. I learned that needed a whole man, not a half-hearted one. <p>L.

WOW- Orchid... I am really starting to see that... can you believe after my major LBing... I really really LB'd and now H and counselor are talking about me today saying I am emotionally disturbed... I wonder why and what about.... OH MY! It was bad, but I just way overreacted... <p>ANyway... I am just starting to see that I do not like whohe is right now... at first I was desperate , I just wanted him in bodily form whether he wanted me or not... I just wanted him home... <p>NOW things are different- I am taking a serious look at who he is... and I do not like it... I just talked to him on the phone tonight... guess what my super MATURE and great care giving H is out playing darts...WOW, I am impressed, just like a high school or college kid... HE IS 34, and has 2 babies... glad he likes to have fun... but- come on now...it is ridiculous... that me and my boys went out with my parents to dinner, and we are helping my older son learn his multiplication tables and teaching the little one to count... My H wants to PARTEEYYY! OH BOY... I am starting to see clearer in the seperation... we were fighting because I did not buy into his bar life and party life... and it was always without me...<p>SOrry to vent so much on this one... it just really touched me about how they are not who you married when they do this... and I am wondering where my H went too, that mother ship really does turn their brains into scrambled eggs, or they are soley thinking with their [censored]... <p>AGGHHH!<p> [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>HONEY

I think we all feel that way, Honey. You hit the partying thing right on the head. For the life of me, I cannot figure out how someone can just pick and choose when they want to be married or be a parent.<p>I am so frustrated with him because EVERYDAY he comes home late from work and on weekends, well, I just don't feel like I have a husband. It is like he just woke up one day and decided he didn't want the responsibility of a family. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] He didn't want to be a husband or a father. Who gave him this right to pick and choose? I leave work and rush to OUR daughter EVERYDAY. I take her everywhere with me. I cannot and would not have the gall to pick and choose when I want to be her mother. <p>I have a few other girlfriends who are going through the same drama. What is it? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I somehow feel it is my fault because I stayed this long and have not really shown him how it is not an acceptable thing for me. I tell him it upsets me and show him by LBing(I know), crying, not talking, etc. He'll do it again the next day with enthusiasm. I know a plan B is all there is left. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] It is the only way I can show him that he has crossed my limits for the last time.<p>Will I be happy I left? I will soon find out. Another situation where it seems too good to leave and too bad too stay. <p>Patience,
Clouds