Really, I know this sounds simplistic. But how do you go to work and be disciplined enough each day not to sound off to your co-workers, or worse, get on the internet (MB for me lately) and read and post. <p>I need some discipline tactics. I have been at this almost a year (only found MB about 2.5 weeks ago), and am suprised that I haven't been given the boot. okay, i do own part of the company, but my customers think I am losing it, and no one counts on me at work anymore. I can't afford not to work.

well, i dont really have an answer for you> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] .. i looked for more info on your story but couldnt find any? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>IF i were you id keep myself here and forgo the rest of the world. unless you can realy trust that person to give you good sound advice.<p>Good Luck,
mercy

I'm lucky enough to be in sales so I have a bit more flexibility, but you are correct. It is tough. I think that perhaps the best solution would be to go to your doc and get some anti-depressants.<p>I'm a step away from doing that, but reading a lot of the threads seems to show that many have had a great morale boost once on the meds.<p>They will create a more stimulating and positive structure and will more than likely get you through it.

Mercy -- please read how long does the fog last in plan A/B. Where else would I post info? <p>G -- Well, my job is mostly sales for the company, writing and in a few weeks, Lobbying during our state's legis session. I have to be focused then. not happening. I am on anti-depressants, and they help some. they stop being as effective, i know cause i have crying spells and don't want to leave the house. then we up dose. makes me tired. constant balancing. I have tried so many, have been trying to stick it out with this one. <p>i have three kids, 7,5,4. They need mommy. Don't understand what is happening. It is hard. I feel like I am in, and have been in, this land of limbo and ambiguity for so long. Living imaginary fantasy of expecting WH to charge in on a white horse and say this is just a dream, and i am here to make it all better. <p>So work is hard. I am going to try limiting my getting on computer. That will help. I end up sending him emails or writing letters (most I never send). Effect still the same. Don't know why they are still paying me. Well, actually they are not. I exhausted all leave and have only been getting paid when work. but ticker starts back january 2, so i really need to be focused. HELP!

I know how you are feeling. Back in Jan 2001, I wondered how I would make it. There is never a dull day at work and I have live here as I am here at work now and been here everyday for the last 4 weeks. <p>But I did. I let those around me know what I was going through (not everything but enough). I was given some slack (not really - already carrying more of a load than humanly possible) and my staff helped out a lot. I delegated more and pushed back a lot. <p>I did focus when I was at work, I have to. I guess you just need to have a talk with yourself in the mirror and just say, this is what will be done and I will cry after. Sounds silly but I did that and it helped me. Yes, I had anxiety attacks but I just went with it and eventually it subsided. <p>Take care and try to balance the meds again. <p>L.

My God, my job was probably the ONLY thing that saved my life. It was the ONLY diversion from the nightmare that I had. I feel very sorry for those who don't work outside of the home and don't have ANY break from the hell.<p>My boy was KILLED a few months after my H left and I know I would have lost my sanity if I didn't HAVE to get up and go to work everyday to escape the nightmare inside my head. I think it is probably what saved me. I wouldn't have made it if I had to stay home and wallow in my grief and heartbreak every day. Granted, I was VERY distracted at work and did just enough to get by but my subordinates [secretary and reporting managers] all knew what was going on and just covered for me and helped me along. Sometimes I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom and cry but that was much better than staying home and dying in my grief.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by isitpossible:
<strong><p>I need some discipline tactics. I have been at this almost a year (only found MB about 2.5 weeks ago), and am suprised that I haven't been given the boot. okay, i do own part of the company, but my customers think I am losing it, and no one counts on me at work anymore. I can't afford not to work.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
isitpossible,
I sat down my secretary and 2 key subordinate managers and explained to them that I was currently having very distracting personal problems and asked them to help me by picking up the slack temporarily. By being open with them, they lowered their expectations and gladly picked up where I left off. I even found out later that they had protected me from some tough situations by handling them themselves. They developed a sort of protective stance towards me and were actually competing for certain missions. I also talked to my boss and told him what was going on.<p>You really reminded me of how damn hard it is to work when your heart is broken. Exceptionally distracting. I remember I couldn't wait to leave some days so I could just get in my car and have a good cry. It's tough, but you do get over it. <p>And keep lots of Kleenex and Visine in your desk!

I am new here and you can read about me here and the link in that thread.<p>I have the same problem as you except as a "man" it is very difficult to explain crying fits and emotional instability. Society expects me to pick myself up, dust off, and go on. But I love her so much, I have taken the security of our marriage for granted and never thought this could happen to us. I have been an emotional wreck for two months with no end in site. In addition I attend night school to facilitate a future career change. I thought about giving it up but realize that will hurt no one but myself. Keeping occupied is supposed to make it easier but I find it very difficult to focus.
I am in a position at work to basically come and go as I please as long as we make money and the customers are satisfied. I have only done enough to get by and my employees are not really happy with the extra burden, but there are more important things in life than making them happy. My boss is supportive to the point of saying just do your best and take as much time as you need. Of course that time is unpaid. I will take this New Years week off and my wife is going to let the kids stay with me while they are still out of school until Thursday. Then I get to go back to one or two nights a week. It is hardly enough but anything is better than nothing. I am still scared of being alone and find comfort in making them happy.
I just wanted you to know your not alone. Imagine a 36 year old man standing in an industrial building for 10 hours with tears streaming down his face. I hope this pain gets easier to deal with soon.<p>Happy New Year [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

I think you touched on a subject we have all had to deal with... carrying out our daily routine under such emotional distress.<p>There are different types of depression, and medication is just one way to help. Sometimes having a super good support group (like members of MB) help, too. <p>Adjustment disorder depression is real - and can begin within 3 months of a major loss (and I think infidelity is a loss.) This kind of depression usually subsides within 6 months of onset. If this kind of depression is affecting your work within 2 weeks of its onset, professional help is suggested. It sounds like you have started that process with the meds, but I think finding a really good support group can help tremendously.<p>Is it possible that you set aside some time of your day that you can devote specifically to dealing with the infidelity issues in your life, and then promise yourself the other time of the day is strictly just for work? <p>I think if we somehow have the personality that we are "all or nothing" - like with work, bringing work home, etc... then it will also be so true for infidelity - bringing the infidelity issues to work. <p>What do you think? <p>I haven't seen much for a discussion on MB about this issue since I've been here in May 99. . . but I do know that MB was my lifeline to sanity for at least a year from the time that I began to deal with my husband's infidelity issue. After about a year, I was able to begin to manage some other issues in my life beyond the infidelity. But that first year was the toughest.<p>Hang in there, you will get lots of support here at MB!<p>TNT

Re: length of fog<p>I have observed the fog lasts all the way through until no contact, and sometimes also in withdrawal. I've also observed that fog can return or increase if the betrayed spouse is in a lovebusting mode.<p>JMO!

IIP:<p>I'm a self-employed professional and for most of the last 3 months, I'm getting only about 2-3 good hours per day in. Drugs have helped a little but reality of not getting paid by clients is forcing me to concentrate more on work. I've been skating by and just doing enough to keep things afloat. My practice is more successful than ever but my personal life has been in terrible turmoil.<p>Things have been getting better in the last 2 weeks between my W and me, and there is no more talk of her leaving. This has helped a lot but lingering uncertainty is very stressful and still impacts my job adversely.<p>One thing that was (and is) working for me is IC which has allowed me to undersand I cannot control my W, only myself. I am starting to feel a sense of peace that whatever happens between my W and I, that I will be OK.<p>We have 2 boys (4 & 2) and divorce would be horrible and disruptive, but by learning to feel better about myself I believe has helped me concentrate at work, and actually be a better spouse. It's a work in progress so we'll see what happens.<p>I guess what I'm saying is that as I have learned to trust myself and take care of myself, I have started back toward feeling and acting "normal" again. Hang in there.

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses and encouragement!<p>I have not been looking at work as an opportunity to set aside my personal hell and focus on something I enjoy. I have only seen it as a nuisance. THAT IS A GREAT MINDSET SWITCH, because I do know when you focus on something, and you get positive results, it certainly helps your self-esteem. And I think everyone here understands how low your self-esteem is at this point. So I will work on it. <p>ScottP, you mention being a man. Well, my partners are all men. And their understanding is very limited for a variety of reasons. They don't support tears. And they don't understand what it is like to be apart from your children. Most of the women in my office are young and ambitious and take a lot of pride in making me look bad -- and, I have made this easy of course by missing deadlines, etc. This is the extreme picture. Most days things are okay. <p>In addition to the divorce, I have the new pressure of being a single mom, and my mother and sister recently moved out-of-state, so my support system vanished. <p>
Thanks for the inspirations!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <p>ScottP, you mention being a man. Well, my partners are all men. And their understanding is very limited for a variety of reasons. They don't support tears. And they don't understand what it is like to be apart from your children.<hr></blockquote><p>Well this man understands tears and being apart from his children and it hurts like h*ll!!!
Today we meet at the lawyers to sign the bankruptcy paperwork. She is then coming over (with the kids) to pack up some more stuff and supposedly get on paper an amicable split in case of divorce. She said she has written me a four page letter after reading HNHN (which she said was quite irritating). I am so terribly scared!
I have a feeling this may be the end and the bankruptcy demands were just to clear the slate so she can start over. Her and the girls went house hunting yesterday for places I know are beyond her budget. If I could only have a chance....The hardest part is acceptance.
Work....sheesh, I cannot even imagine it. Good thing I am on "vacation" [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Here is the results of yesterday. Sorry if I hijacked this thread, I am still learning the rules and just not quite with it. I hope you all understand.