I mean no offence to DR Harly or anyone that has sent the Plan B letter.<p>I don't agree with sending the WS a letter. I do however agree with the plan. To me the letter, since the letter is in writing it is very final. Or, at least should be, if you don't want to lose your creditability. I feel it is better to just go into the plan, either full blown or whatever is working. If it appears to you that it isn't working and you still want to make the M work, you can tweak it here and there. It still leaves room for changes at your discretion.<p>Just sharing my thoughts.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: Bunny ]</p>

I believe that the Plan B letter is a very good idea. It is not a good idea to change rules on a person and not tell them what the new rules are. It is also a good idea because it tells the WS in very clear language what the new rules are and what they would need to do in order for the BS to take them back. People have a way of not hearing things when they are said, we often only hear what we want to hear... selective hearing.<p>With it written down, the letter can be revisited and a person can remember exactly what was said.<p>Plan B is meant to be very firm. If you are wanting to tweek it after the decision to enter Plan B, then you are not ready for Plan B.

Hi Patient1,
Nope, I haven't been there, but my thinking is that the purpose of the letter is to help BS's really think clearly about what they want to change when/if WS returns. Plus, WS can have something to refer to when the fog starts to lift, OP starts love busting, and they find themselves totally alone in the world realizing the only true love left for them remains with their BS!<p>I could be wrong, but just my thinking on why a letter would be significant. Sometimes we twist people's words to mean what WE want them to mean. If it is in writing and BS has taken time to be very clear about what the new terms will be, then I think a letter could prove to be very effective. Remember, it is the only ounce of communication the WS will have to refer back to from BS if done as recommended.

Thank you all for your responses. I do appreciate you taking the time to discuss it.<p>I wonder how many follow the Plan B letter as suggested by Dr Harley?<p>I agree that you MUST eventually tell your WS that you don't want anything to do with them until they decide to STOP the A. Be very firm about this and don't go into any other ramblings. The bottom line is that the A MUST stop. I think that they will hear this.<p>In the case of children anyway, you will still have a valid reason for contact. But, you basically stop all communication with them. You don't share any info with them, you leave them in the dark, so to speak. When you do have contact you let them see, that you are not pining over them, anymore. You smile when they come and get out of the way. You of course are looking good when they show up. But you are very non chalant about there attendance. You can even share some good things with them that are going on in your personal life. You can listen to what they may have to say, but, you know longer react as their spouse. You just listen and make no commets or offer your opinions. Just like you would with let's say, your neighbour. You may think some things, but you wouldn't say them. You show by your actions that they are no longer the centre of attention. You are moving on and have accepted that the M may not work out. Gee, for all they know, maybe you don't want the M to work out. Even if you don't feel that way, they do not have to know.<p>But, because you are still having contact. The WS can see that changes and growth are occuring to you and the WS may even start to like what he is seeing.

The bottom line is that the A MUST stop.
No. The bottom line is you cannot deal with them anymore. The affair may not stop. This is the reason for Plan B. It is not to punish or teach them a lesson or any other reason. It is because you cannot deal with being pooped on anymore.<p>You don't share any info with them, you leave them in the dark, so to speak.
...
You can even share some good things with them that are going on in your personal life.
Which is it, share or not share?<p>Plan B is to NOT have any interaction with them. It may be necessary in some cases with children but you should as much as possible try to work this out so you have as little interaction as possible before you go into Plan B.<p>Gee, for all they know, maybe you don't want the M to work out. Even if you don't feel that way, they do not have to know.
The whole idea of MB is NOT to be sneaky with your spouse. The Plan B letter lets them know EXACTLY what you are trying to accomplish and why.<p>But, because you are still having contact. The WS can see that changes and growth are occuring to you and the WS may even start to like what he is seeing.
This is what you are supposed to accomplish in Plan A prior to Plan B.<p>[ January 03, 2002: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</p>

Check out this notable post thread. There is some Plan B stuff inside as well as some success stories. You may have seen it already...<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000554

In writing, is best. No points of confusion or miss-interpretation. I know the plan B letter I gave WW was quite clear (it&#8217;s out here on MB somewhere), but she read it twice and added several thing that were not written. I asked her where she read those parts that she added, so she read it again swearing that she saw those things the first time. A plan B letter after a good plan a, is a cold shock to the WS. Expect them to be shocked and not get it initially. A letter also allows you to say exactly what you want and not get caught up in the moment and say more or less than needed.<p>
Good luck,
HI

You gotta read SinkingFast's post regarding how Steve Harley recommended her to SKIP Plan A and go straight to Plan B around 7 months ago... She may be able to advise you more specifically and with success in her wake, no less!!!

I would like to thank you all very much for your responses. You are all very caring and sincere.<p>I just threw my thoughts out for discussion. My H and I have been reunited since Sept 2000 after an 18 month seperation.<p>I never did send plan B letter, but, I stopped focusing so much on my marriage. One thing, that I felt really helped me to do that, was anti depressants.<p>Who knows, maybe my H saw that I was finally getting that life, that he kept telling me to get. I was no longer pining for my lost marriage. It wasnt doing me any good. I was taking FULL control of MY life and decisions.<p>Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts and opinions with me.