Well,<p>I stopped at the grocery store to pick up stuff for dinner and drinks for tonight. Going to be just H and me. <p>Who is there, H and OW!!! Technically not together but heading to the same place. After work drinks with other co-worker and his spouse.<p>H intercepted me and told me she was there. Wanted to avoid a scene. No scene, but gave her what must anount to the filthiest look ever on the planet. H asked me why I had to give her such a dirty look. Asked him if I was supposed to smile and wish her a Happy New Year. He said no, but I could have pretended she was not there. Told him that was'nt in me. Did not tell him that what was in me was to go grab her by the hair and tell her to stay the F away from my H and then pummel her until her face was a bloody pulpy mass of tissue. AAAAGH!!!! <p>We caused a little scene in the store, not to bad though. The worst of it was that ourt S was with me.<p>So, he is at the bar with a group, OW included. I KNEW that this was going to happen tonight, I knew that they would all go out as a group. But seeing it like that, it's to much. <p>Just as a BTW, the A is over, and all of my snooping confirms that for now.<p>I called him when I got home and apologised for a scene in a public place, told him I knew in my head and heart that this was going to happen tonight, told myself not to get upset...but it was just to hard. <p>He told me they were not "together" but that he understood how it looked and why I would be mad. But is he here...NO. He is there, same place as her.<p>He promised me that he would not put himself in social situations with her, but he does it over and over again. He does not get that if she is there and I am not, then HE SHOULD NOT BE THERE.<p>Somebody help me calm down before he gets home. I have about 1 hour to get my act together. I really feel from some of his actions and statements lately that he is re-considering moving out. I know that until he decides to work on M that there is nothing I can expect or demand from him. I had just decided today that I would give it until the end of Jan before I told him I needed a commitment or he HAD to go.<p>I have been so good not to LB lately, but RIGHT NOW I AM LOSING IT!!!! HELP

I know EXACTLY how you feel - putting off lovebusters for sooo long and having them walk all over your feelings and boundaries!<p>UGGH<p>I don't know what to tell you except to go take a walk around the block until you get it together! Walk around 100 times if you have to!<p>And, I think you should think about what are reasonable consequences for disrespecting your feelings like that......... I'm not saying enforce them now, tonight - but....<p>I think that a talk with him - on another day - when the timing is right - is in order, where you can tell him what the consequences are when he continues contact with that witch.<p>Maybe it will be plan B at that point? Who knows.<p>All I know is that you are not safe to be around, in danger of major lovebuster - it doesn't help to lovebust. I know. See my post on the women's bible study forum. I let loose yesterday on my husband - and it has been BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD<p>But I have been holding back those lovebusters for 3 years.<p>Sick of it.<p>Hang in there - GO FOR THAT WALK!

Wish I could go for a walk, 4yo son is here, I can't leave.<p>Thanks for the response. I know I need to breathe, but I am having trouble catching my breath right now.<p>He should be home in a half hour, if he is telling me the truth. Just dont know.

You should be congratulating yourself for your actions. True, they weren't ideal... but idealism is for a perfect utopia - and THAT is not where any of us are (hehehe). You did great. IMO, if your H has such a problem with it, then he really should be doing more to help you (by not attending social functions with OW, etc). But that takes time for him to 'get it'. (My H and I have been in recovery since May, and he doesn't 'get' a LOT of things still - but thank goodness the other womEn aren't around anymore).<p>Walking is a good thing to wear it off. When I get riled up and the 'shakes' set it (you KNOW what I'm talking about [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ), I clean. The dishes are spotless on those occasions (hehehe). I rearrange cupboards, and do just about anything to get the bad stuff off of my mind. Too bad we couldn't just sit back and relax it off, eh? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Keep up with your plan A. Think of how great it was of your H to warn you ahead of time (he could have just let it go, and see what happened). That took a LOT for him to tell you, I'm sure. Think of a non LBing way to thank him for that, and to share your feelings (literally how you felt when you saw OW). Use lots of "I" statements! If you feel some good ol' LBing on it's way, then tell your H that your anger is building, and agree to stop conversation on that subject until a later time.<p>Good luck tonight!<p>Karen

Needing--let us know how the night turns out. Hopefully all will be well, but the rest of the group is right. Don't LB!!! Especially tonight.<p>Later you can address the contact'/no contact situation and make it happen.<p>Enjoy tonight

I'm trying. I'm trying to get under control. But I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.<p>Thank you all for your replies. I am reading them and re-reading them to try and get it to sink in. <p>I just hope it does...

OK,<p>Here we go. He just called to see if I wanted him to pick up a movie, said OK.<p>Asked if he was OK, he said it doesn't matter how he is. I said it mattered to ME. Told him that of course how he is doing is important.<p>Told him to pick up the movie.<p>I have dinner in the oven, put on a new sexy shirt, fixed my makeup, put on perfume. All stuff I had been wanting to do all along.<p>I can do this...I can do this...I can do this...I CAN DO THIS!!!<p>God help me.

Dear Needing, <p>First of all step back and breathe. This OW is just a person.....Your H is with you right? I know about the commitment piece but don't ask for more than he can do right now. Just a bit more patience. <p>Do you feel like you are having an anxiety attack? If so can you find a place to rest? I know you have a little one and that may be hard. If your H comes home, tell him you need some time to rest. Let yourself cry or whatever you need to do to relieve that stress you are carrying within you. <p>Breathe, calming excercises (if possible), call a friend, cry, get in the shower and just let the water run on you, etc. I don't recommend alcohol right now because if it is an anxiety attack you might not react well to the alcohol. <p>Let us know how you are doing. <p>Take Care,
L.

I'm OK.<p>Already had the drink (haha)<p>The anxiety has disspated, thanks to all of you.<p>I will be OK tonight, the movie will help. Without it he would probably want to "talk" and who knows what I would do.<p>OK, it will be OK. Need to log off now, he should be home any sec. He knows I post here, and says it's OK, but I know he does'nt like it. <p>THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. I know I could not do this without you. I will check in tomorrow.<p>Love and A Happy New Year to You ALL!!!!<p>Needing

I am so sorry you are in this situation.. I would of invited myself to the bar or him home... <p>Calm down and think about something tranquil.. I did pull the ow's hair and smash her face in.. don't because they will call the police and you will have tons of lawyers fees and your husband will probably run off with her...that is what mine did.. they now had a common bond, and they went off to party together.<p>I am sorry about this being a little late.l. I hope you are doing better now.. your H sounds selfish.. do something nice for you tongith.. take care of you.. bubblebath, what do you like to doo... let it go...live and let live.. if he cannot be there for you the way you need him to be.. there are better men out there.. it is going to be ok... i know how you feel<p>PRAYERS TO YOU HONEY

needing,<p>If you could keep yourself together, put on the ice queen act for the OW, your best bet would be to do what any wife would do on New Years Eve, go join your husband. This will give you a chance to wish his co workers a happy new years. If you could do this it could be increadable. <p>It is very much along the line of what I did when my H's ex-wife showed up in October to visit the kids and wanted to spend time alone with my H.... She emailed him about it not knowing that I read the emails.<p>I graciouly invited her out to breakfast.. two mornings in a row. Then we all went together to visit step-son in the residential treatment center. By the end of the day, and my mustering as much graciousness as I could under the circumstances she decomposed right there in front of all of this. She left in a huff crying because she wanted to cry on my H's shoulders and he would not do it. She really said that ... poor baby... she LB'd so bad that he still turns green when he thinks of it.<p>You may not have time. but if you do that is what I would suggest. It is totally inappropriate that he is out in her company.

needing, the others gave you usual advice, and support, so I will just ditto that and add one other thing.... that your H continues to do this is not good, the affair may or may not be off, but he has not chosen you by a long shot, or he is incapable of doing anything but what he wants (personality disorder), there is absolutely no justifiable reason to socialize where the ow is, or even go for drinks at all, he belongs with you, you belong together....he is telegraphing (a poker term) to you his intentions, and it behooves you to pay attention and act on it. By all means when your time has run out (end of jan?) make demands, and go into plan b if not met, do not beat a dead horse (or enable an uncaring spouse).

Eh,
I disagree with snl here and have to go with what zorweb said. You can and should find a way to accompany your H to work-related social events. Wonder if he feels attending them must be important to his job and that explains how come he is so conflicted and unable to keep his promise to you(?) I'm sure he is not attending the functions to be with OW. He comes home to YOU. Sometimes work parties are a lot bigger than an OW situation (as far as networking). Attending the events could be a power play on your H's part, even if he doesn't stay long, he may feel obligated (by colleagues) to make an appearance, so to speak. The bottom line is that he comes home to you so to me, it looks like he is choosing you.