Hi to everyone!! I have been lurking on this site for about two years now with the same story. My heart goes out to all of you and I hope this year is much better than the last for everyone.<p>I need some advice on what to do. Short recap: H and I seperated two years ago due to my affair. He left me 1 year later (two months after our daughter was born) for a women he worked with. I have tried everything I can to make this up to my man and have him come home to me and the kids, but to no avail. We have set up some sort of sick pattern of Plan A, then Plan B, etc.. Over the last 2 weeks H and I have talked on the phone for hours, went x-mas shopping and just spent time talking like two old friends. He was broke up with OW at this time and when they are together he complains constantly about her. Anyway, I thought for probably the about the millionth time that we were on the right track for recovery, but she shows up x-mas nite at 3:00 in the morning and has been with him since. I again am left hurt, angry and confused. She is very manipulative with H. How do I compete? I am tired of all the lies and games. Just when I feel normal he starts calling again, I get my hopes and whamo!! Shes back. I have tried Plan A and Plan B, but there is something inside me that will not let me turn my back on him. He says he still cares and asked me not to file for divorce. I feel so confused. He says he has a hard time telling her he does not want to see her anymore. He breaks during the withdrawl stage and I can't seem to help him. I love him very much still and want us back together. I feel that eventually the curcumstances will be right someday, but right now I am hurt that he spent new years out with her and here I am home, alone, hurt, and missing him so much. I was I could just show him my heart so that he knows how bad this gets to me. Can anyone give advice???<p>
Lilli

Hi Lili,<p>If you have been here 2 years you know about the basic concepts, emotional needs questionnaire, the books, phone counseling sessions and the fact that you can not control your H's actions. <p>From what you have said you are a very patient person. Yes you had an A also. He is tied to OW how? Currently by his choice. H doesn't want to hurt OW? Then he shouldn't. Neighter should he let the OW make him feel guilty. <p>What can you do? Probably meet with Steve or Jennifer for direction. REally? Your H needs to get off the fence and if he wants his family, he needs to show worth, value that will make you want him back. <p>Continue with the qualities that make you shine. Your patience is paying off. <p>Take care and welcome to posting at MB. <p>L.

Good morning. Thank you for your advice. I know the only thing I can work on is me. I am just sooo tired of the roller coaster. I feel very angry and I feel like telling H off, then after a while I feel that I need to Plan A to get him back. Do you think WS ever feel guilty about the hurt they put on BS and the children? Sometimes I think my H is just a shell of the person he used to be. He was my whole life, and I didnt realize that until he left. It is so hard to find peace with myself lately. I cry over everything now. Maybe its just PMS. Again thanks!!

Hi Lillie,<p>And I thought I was bad about shareing my feelings... you lurked for 2 years without posting? Welcome!<p>I do recommend talking to Steve or Jennifer. They hava a way of helping you come up with a plan that seems right.. at least at the time.. If only our spouses would follow the script! <p>I will tell you the one thing that I am convinced made a difference in my H caming home was I was really ready to move on. Of course after he came home it was another story, but I am convinced if I could get to that place again, things would change.

Lilli --<p>I agree with Orchid: continue to be patient and remember that you can't control your H's actions. All you can do is to be positive and hopeful and loving for you and your daughter and for him. <p>I feel where you are and how upsetting this is for you. It's very hard for any of us to be where we are but very important for us all to be here at MB. <p>Do WSs ever feel guilty about the pain they cause?
Yes, certainly, but it's possible that the BS and family may not learn of this unless it's confession time. Besides, feeling guilty needs to translate into determination to rebuild the broken trust and into changed behaviors, otherwise the net effect doesn't accomplish much.<p>Positives: He still cares, Doesn't want you to file for divorce, Christmas shopping with him, phone conversations, "spent time talking like old friends" = good signs. I believe the "friends" part is significant; solid and healthy relationships are built on friendship, certainly marriages, so it's a very good place from which to move forward.<p>Be thankful that the old year has gone and we can all look forward to sunny days in the new year. Finding peace within yourself is difficult now because of so much being unresolved--too many questions and loose ends. Of course you're confused; it's normal when signals are mixed and the fog obliterates all that's normal and sane. <p>Aside to Orchid: See my post response to you in GQII, dated today.<p>Lilli, you need to hang in and hang around here. There's so much that people have to give here and too many of them are hurting right along with you. But the care and concern that you feel here is genuine and immensely validating. Post again soon and let us know how you're doing. <p>I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers,<p>Ammon