I seem to be faced with my family telling me I should drop her like a hot rock (and they don't know everything that is going on), yet I love my wife. I love my wife! I would walk through fire for her, and it feels like the past month has been a slooow walk through that fire. My brain says I am crazy, but my heart, well. . .<p>I was so glad to hear that the "scrambled brains" is a such a common thing. I was stuck in a rut for awhile taking everything she said to heart! <p> With the WS back home, and promised no-contact with the OM (well...no communication), I am thankful. We are communicating, via letters and talking, and I feel she is feeling very guilty. As the OM is still on her mind, and she feels "uncomfortable" sleeping in the same bed as me with him on her mind. I am working on meeting her EN's met here at the house, but alas the roller coaster sill rides. . .

Have your feelings changed for her since BEFORE this all this started? I am NOT saying that this is the case with you, but I know that just the THREAT of losing my H [1st H] and dramatically changing my life made me DESPERATE to hang onto a man that I DID not love at all. I did not love him before he told me he was leaving. But the second he told me he was leaving, it was like BAM! all of a sudden I felt overwhelming "LOVE" that I had never felt. In hindsight, I can see that what I felt was desperate NEED. And a deep need to hang onto life as I knew it. I also wanted what I couldn't have - that made him more attractive to me than he had been in 20 years.<p>So,I would suggest going on the feelings that you had for her BEFORE this all came up to get a realistic and rational view of how you really feel when not under duress and under threat of losing life as you know it. That pressure, I think, tends to DRAMATICALLY color one's vision of thier spouse.<p>Even so, I would not listen to your family that tells you to drop her like a hot potato. If you do love her like you say, it sounds like you are well on the road to a good recovery. There are many postive signs in your situation, such as the no-contact letter, communication, etc.

confused,
The road to recovery is very narrow. Do you follow 4 rules as describe in SAA ?. Meeting EN is only one of them. How about protections (I think by this time you are doing this one very good) ?. How about time ? and how about honesty ?. Have you guys work on questionair ?.

Yes my feelings are a bit "tainted" towards the W, but in all honesty, she was the one I had waited for, and I have always loved her. We both got into a marriage routine, so to speak, and I realize that I had been neglecting her and the marriage for some time.<p>I haven't picked up the SAA book as of yet, money is tight, but I will check the local library tomorrow. We did fill out a EN questionnaire. She filled it out with the feelings she was having before the A, and not what she feels now. That opened my eyes to a lot of things, first and foremost was the affection was #1 on our list. that one is hard to work on now, as she isn't in the mood for hugging/kisssing/etc, but that will come when she is ready I am sure.<p>The only problem I fear that will hamper our progress, and I have posted this elsewhere, is that the OM works in the mall where she manages a store. She tells me that she hasn't talked to him since she ended it, and he hasn't tried to talk to her, BUT she still sees him every once and awhile, walking through the mall. I made a mention for a career change last nite, but she isn't sure of that.

confused<p>I had the same feelings when I found out about my FWH A. I tried hard to hate him but could not. I always loved him and knew that we had a good and happy M for 10 years. I listened to my heart not my brain.<p>I was lucky that my family did not judge me for trying to save my M. They would have supported any decision that I made. But them knowing the kind of person that my WH is they knew that I wanted my M to work.<p>When my H would talk and say things that I knew were not like him, I would say to myself "he is talking out his a$$". He would tell me his feelings and say things like "I don't love you anymore", "he got married too young", "ten years is long enough". I knew deep down in my heart he did not mean them. He told me these things for about one year before I even found out about the A. Then said them for another three months after d-day. <p>With all the talking that we have done (I also talked to OW the day after d-day)in recovery, the OW told my H these things about her M and he was coming home telling me this crap. She really did a number "brain washing" him (he sees it now)<p>Be there to support your W. She may contact OM or he may contact her. If she is honest with you and tells you, tell her "thank you for telling me and being honest" It will hurt, but she is telling you and this it progress. I am sure she is feeling guilty and this is tearing her up. Each day will get a little better. Are you and your W on anti-depressents? If not get some they do help alot. Keep you from dwelling so bad.<p>You will have days you think you just can't go on these kind of days suck. All I can say is you will get through it. I really don't know how I got through those days. I came here alot. Read the books and of course cried.<p>Stay in Plan A and do a great one. Work on you. Changes to last a lifetime. Your W will notice. Tell your W that you are there for her and you will always be there for her.<p>I do feel that things are looking up for you. She will also go through withdrawl ( the meds help with this also).<p>Recovery in my case in wonderful. My H and I talk so much now and spend time together. The affection has gone up 500%. He gives me all the affection that I need and of course I give him all the SF that he needs.<p>Hang in there confused, the sun will shine, better days are just ahead.<p>
SLH