Well my wife is coming back tomorrow after being gone since 12/16/01. She was involved with a co-worker at work for three months. The other guy left the job in late December. After I caught her about 8 weeks ago she went into a party mode. She gets high with her co-workers as well as some of her friends. Also she goes out drinking often after work.
The reason I am here writing once again is that I spoke to my wife today on the phone. The conversation was ok but she didn't sound like she wanted to talk to me. I asked her if she had any New Years resolutions. She said she has too much going on right now to even think about that. I was hoping it would of been her saying to work on the marriage. I asked her if she was excited about coming home. She said not really. She knows she has been gone for awhile but she said there is too much pressure on her to make everything ok again. She told me she still doesn't know what she wants to do. To work on the marriage or get a divorce.
At this point I was really hoping that she might of decided to work on the marriage. She told some close friends of hers that she was going to do whatever it took to make the marriage work. But then she tells me the complete opposite on the phone that she doesn't know what she wants to do.
Well her is my problem with her going out partying. I know I don't control her nor can tell her what to do. Do I come out and tell her how I truly feel about her going out and drinking with co-workers/friends and getting high with them? My wife has been lying to me for the past 8 weeks. So even if she went out with her friends and got high she wouldn't tell me. The things I know is only by me finding them out.
I feel as if I should tell her how I feel about this but I don't want to make any love busters in the process. Would this be a good move or a bad move? I feel she needs to know how I feel about this. I don't even know how to act any more. I am her husband but at the same time she treats me worse then one of her friends. Her friends get better treatment then me.
My wife knows inorder for her to make a better married life that she has to give up her two partying girl friends. These are her old high school party buddies. The kind of friends that tell each other everything. Such as when they are cheating on their husband or boyfriend. My wife doesn't want to let go of them for some reason. She also bought some presents for them. One of them she bought a pipe to smoke pot out of. I wonder what they will do with that.
I can't let her keep using me like a door mat. I feel as if I need to say how I feel without making any love busters in the process. I still want to reach out and still hold my wife. However she won't let me do that. Do I try doing that and see how she reacts?
In a big way I want my wifes work to do a random drug test because maybe if she got caught it would make her realize something.
I don't know what to do anymore. I am hurt and tired inside. I want to sit down and talk to her but I don't want her to run away. I have about 24 hours to get things together with me so I can handle this when she comes back.
Any suggestions? Anybody been here that can help me out? Help please...
The counselor told me I have to sit down and ask my wife for a decision. I am not sure that is the best approach to all of this.
Help.................

I think you need to establish some boundaries with her and you can do that in a non lovebusting way. <p>You can't change her or her behavior. She has to want to do that. But you can tell her your concerns and what you will and will not accept. Have you been plan Aing her? If you have, maybe you need to move on to Plan B. I would talk to the experts on this. <p>I am sorry you are in so much pain. She is making some poor choices. Maybe she just needs to learn from them. Remember to take care of yourself.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

There is nothing confusing about her behaviour. She is telling you that she does not respect you or care about her marriage. She continues to do as she wishes within the marriage because there have been no consequences. You appear to be willing to accept anything she does. Do you think that your passiveness increases her respect for you. I doubt it. Your counsellor is giving you good advice. She needs to decide to either work on the marriage or leave. If she decides to work on rebuilding the marriage then she needs to agree to counselling and focus on her marriage. She needs to understand that the alternative is divorce.

confused_guy,
Drug and A is a lethal mix. Go to plan B. You have a chance to kick them while they are down so that you have a chance to work on it. Don't let her back unless W want to work on M. There are certain thing that you have to protect your family, that is including your W. I have to agree w/ your C. Read on Orchid post lately on taking WS too early.

I do hear what all of you are saying. I guess you can say I am still nor will I ever be ready for a divorce. A big part of me as well as my wifes family thinks my wife will keep going until something tragic happens.
I know it isn't the right thing to do but would anyone suggest that someone tip off her work to do a random drug test? I guess you can say it isn't me to just sit back and watch someone wash their life away.
I will do my best at not trying to love bust at this point. But I feel I need to sit down with my wife and explain how I feel about her actions with the getting high with friends and her co-workers. Also she has spent the night with a few of her male co-workers who she partys with.
I have never been here before so anybody have any suggestion when I should sit down and talk with her? Do I do it on the way home from the airport? The next day? The weekend. She will for sure use the jet lag excuse to try and not talk with me.
The counselor did tell me I need to quit chasing my wife. It has been so hard since I just want to reach out to her. Do I keep doing the normal things that I would do daily such as a hug, kiss, saying I Love You, etc...Or do I stop doing these things. The counselor said quit saying I love You to my wife since she hasn't said it back in over 2 months.
I am at the point now I am just so tired and worn out. I want something out of her. I know as soon as I bring up the relationship she will freak out about it and not want to talk. I do need to tell her that I don't agree to the going and partying with other people without me being invited out with her.
I need help on when do I sit down and talk with her? If I wait too long she can slip back to her party buddies. Or if I do it too soon she might run away.
Also what do I do about the daily things I use to do, hugs, kiss, saying I love you, etc...??
One big issue is her two party friends since high school. Do I ask her anything about them or just let that be? Everyone (counselor, myself, her parents, her brother) including her grandma who she respects very much said that her two friends are no good and that she needs to leave them. Does anyone ever think my wife will wake up and do the right thing? I think my wife will realize it when it is too late in life.
I can't explain how much this hurts me inside. It hurts so bad to have your spouse do this to you.

Well my wife is coming back tomorrow after being gone since 12/16/01.<p>YOu probably need the support of a 12 step program... alanon... or cocaine anonymous.. sounds like it might be pot... do not know if there is one for that.. but I am in a real similar boat..<p>My H bought a pipe recently too , he and his OW smoke and toke...and drink and act like total fools- I know that you just want to say- WAKE up and have agood life, don't you see what you are doing! I do!<p>But, the drugs and alcohol are making her judgement and actions distorted.. she is not making rational decisions... and you are right these friends are bad for her... alot like me.. your spouse seems to have chosen you to take care of her...<p>I know the pain and will look for your posts... I have to go grab a bite... and tonight am taking my 2 boys to see lord of the rings, ... Do you have kids?<p>I am keeping you in my prayers.<p>L.

HI again, just wanted to add.. that she is coming back.. plan a all you can.. make yourself a safe person to talk about everything to.. but help her in any way you can to find recovery...sometimes / often this means letting her fall and take the consequences of her poor decisons and actions.. PLEASE find an alanon meeting, you will love it, it will help YOU in this picture... by putting your focus on your life and how it can be better for YOU><p>HUGs, honey

Honey...
We don't have any kids. We have been together for 8.5 years been married 1.5 of those 8.5 years. My wife was talking about kids about six months ago. She went off the pill. But since the other guy and her spinning out of control I think that is out of the picture now.
My wife doesn't think she has a problem with drinking or smoking pot. The pot has not been an issue until this entire nightmare was brought out in the open by me catching her. The drinking, well she has always been one to drink a lot. Ever since I have known her when we go out and if there is drinking involved. Well she would usually drink to the point where I was caring her to the car or into the house at the end of the night. The sad part is she doesn't think she has a problem with drinking. With pot, she did it a lot in high school. Now she is starting it back up again but she won't do it in front of me. I told her do it at the house that way I know she is safe. She says it is no fun smoking pot alone it is more fun with other people who smoke it. I have never smoked it. She views me more as her dad that her husband. I just use my head to make sure nothing will ever happen to us. But my wife has labeled me as being her dad more then a husband and that I am no fun. I will admit I not a wild party animal. But I will go out and have a good time and usually keep it under control.
My wife thinks that the answer to her being unhappy in life is with partying and getting high. I know for sure she will keep doing it until she gets herself in trouble. If that maybe getting a DUI or a drug test at work. I don't think she is going to wake herself up until something that bad happens. I am hoping she will smoke up when she returns and that her work will do a random drug test. The counselor says it is due time before she gets caught.
My wife knows I am a good person and that I would make a great dad. But now my wife is thinking she wants someone to party with as her spouse. I don't think she has thought about if that kind of person will make a good dad. Sad to say that I don't think my wife would ever be commited again to the relationship unless there were a kid involved. My wife is great with kids and she is good with them. I think that is what it would take for her to give up her partying buddies. She doesn't have the will power to give them up on her own. There is no way I would bring a kid into this world under the current situation.
My wife is probably debating now what she wants. If she wants to work on the marriage and take it to the next level with kids. Or does she want to take a step back and say hey I am young (she is 27) let me free and indepandant so I can party.
I am tired of being a door mat. I have been "A" planning her for the past 2 months. I have made a few mistakes with some love busting along the way. But for the most part I have been doing the best I can.
Now I have to dig down deep to get the will power to sit down with her and tell her I can't handle her going out and smoking pot and drinking with other guys. I know the minute I say this she will think I am acting like her father and not her husband.
What makes me feel like complete sh@@. Is my wife treats and chooses her two girl friends better then me. There are the two friends that inorder for us to have a marriage down the line she would probably have to give them up.
I just don't know what to do or not to do anymore. There is only so much a pain one can take in all of this.
We will be leaving in the same house since she doesn't really have any where to go unless she spends the night with her two male co-workers. Which she has done before. But everyone has told her that is just so stupid. My wife will avoid me and say oh I am working late and she will come home late. When she comes home she will say I am tired I am going to bed.
We sleep in the same bed but some times I really do feel like I am sleeping with the enemy.
Life has never been easy for me and my wife has just made life so much harder now. Hard to smile any more when you have someone you love so much hurting you.

Take the advice of getting into a support group like al-anon. They can tell you the best way to handle this - why reinvent the wheel? They will tell you what works and what doesn't.<p>Right now it sounds like you wife isn't listening to anything you are saying, so why should she listen to this? You may want to read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson, or read Divorcebusting.<p>You need to work on yourself. If you reaching out doesn't work - pull back so she wonders why. But definitely get some professional opinions if you really want to help her. We all know how much you are hurting, but it may hurt less to refocus some of that energy on youself.<p>Plus, if you continuee like this, you may bery well fall out of love with her, so you need to pace yourself. Call into the radio show and talk to or e-mail Bill Harley - go to the radio link on this site and on Mondays at 1pm CST you can listen live and he takes calls adn e-mails. It may help. Keep Strong. Do a good PLan A for now. K

In her state of mind she is not going to listen to anything that you say. You need to stop pursuing her. You need to let her go. She needs to grow up and accept responsibility for her actions.
This will not happen unless she sees that you are letting go of her and moving on.

She needs to move out--now. Your wife and mine sound a lot a like. You will need to force her into a situation to make some choices. <p>My W tried to make me move out (she is the WS) but I told her it was her issues that needed to be dealt with. She put up a pretty big argument but finally did. The time it took for her to make the decision to move out was brutal. She went out more than she already was and had a bad attitude towards me. <p>That was 2 months ago. Today, W came over, spent the entire day watching football with me and S--it was nice. <p>I don't know what issues that you need to personally work on, but I know that the first time I found out about W's A (1 1/2 years ago), I started making some major changes and I'm still not finished. Did she quit the bad behavior?? No. Is it getting better--think so.<p>If you don't think that Plan A to the "T" will work, or isn't working, it's time to move to Plan B.<p>Good luck and God Bless--<p>Guido

Well my wife said she has stopped all contact with the other man however she did work with him. He left the company while my wife was away on her trip. According to her cell records she last made contact with him on 11/11/01. She said the other guy was just a mistake but she still feels unhappy in her life. Unfortunately as the one guy left the picture she has two male friends at her work who she has been partying with.
I checked my email at work this morning and my wife had the following to say...
---
I have to say that I am really looking forward to coming home, but I'm also
extremely nervous because I don't know how things will progress once I get
there. I feel that there will be a lot expected from me (especially from my
Mom) and I just don't know how I'll be able to handle any of it.
---
I don't know if this her reaching out and saying in some way she wants to make things better but just doesn't know how. Or if she is just saying this to make me feel better. What do you think of what she said? Good or bad?
My biggest fear is that she will come back in a state that she could start making some changes for the better. However with her going back to work and talking to all her party friends. Well I am not sure if that is going to help the marriage at all.
I haven't told anybody besides the counselor about my wife being involved with another man or her having a drinking and smoking pot problem. Her family would disown her even more then they have already if they found out about the smoking pot. They do know about the other man and they are very disappointed. Also my wifes so called friends all do that stuff so they would see it as no big deal if I told them about the smoking pot part. I am just hoping that she gets caught at work. I have been tempted to make an anonymous phone call to the HR manager and just raise some suspicion so they might do a random drug test. I know it would be cruel but it might help wake up my wife to life.
I hope my wife has a safe trip and I do hope, pray and wish for the best when she arrives. I will try giving her a hug and maybe a kiss to see how she responds. I am not sure I should try for the kiss but I want to see if she hugs me like I am a friend or her husband.
Any last minute advice? I need all the help I can get....