My H is now falling apart crying, telling me he is so depressed, he can't take it anymore.. everything is all messed up.. look at this mess,... etc etc.. His friends won't call him back.. just wants to be alone.. nothing to live for.<p>I talked him up.. he does have a gun.. this is scary.. he is on meds for pain and depression and drinks too much. <p>I know he must be in pain & has messed up.. it is strange to see the ws in so much pain...<p>I know a friend of mine sd the affair can sometimes be a call for help.. she is a psychologist.. he has multiple issues, and is really in need of help.<p>THanks for insight... prayers appreciated... I finally got to the point where I sd.. look I do not even care anymore.. I love you... if you are happier without me in your life that is fine.. I hope you can see I am willing to change and work to meet your needs in a better marriage, and I hope you will give that a try...<p>If you are happier with someone else that will be your choice, I cannot make you stay... I cannot change what makes you happy... you need to work on you, I need to work on me... <p>etc etc... basically I was more loving than I have been through out this whole experience.. he still got angry and starting jabbing at me that I did this, and that... I never thanked him for all he had done for me, etc etc.. I sd I am sorry that I did not appreciate you the way you needed me to.. I can work on that.. I can, I love you and I can work on this with you.. it has to be your choice if you will let me ...<p>He got mad and sd he has to go... it just can't be right with you... <p>he sd... '<p>He says he is waiting to see if OW will step up to the plate... she is back with her H and he is going through withdrawl... their whole situation is off again on again right now.. I think they fight one day... make up the next ... etc etc.<p>PLease let me know if anyone has been there... I have been back in plan a and spent last night with him.. mostly we had a wonderful time.. there was a little discussion about situ... which got stressful and I just started repeating in my head... PLAN A PLAN A PLAN A>>> it works, plan a.. we can talk about this later... let me show him how much I love him.. I have to give give and give to save this marriage... and I am willing to.. and it feels great.. I really enjoy giving .. and it is doing a lot for me... I still get angry and hurt , but the nicer I am to him.. the harder it is for him to hurt me..<p>thanks, L.

It sounds more like a temper tantrum and/or manipulation of honey, more evidence he is not marriage material, and a serious hazard to your emotional well-being. I think the harleys address this, as do most therapists, if someone is truly suicidal call a crisis center, or the police, you are not equipped, or obligated to help him, has nothing to do with the marriage. One should not eg someone on of course, just be calm, and offer to get help, or do it anyways. But DO NOT make any decisions or give him anything cause he threatens to hurt himself, just offer to get him help. If he actually did hurt himself, it would be entirely his doing, has nothing to do with you, remember that. Also keep in mind that suicidal people (if true) are definitely not marriage material, and you should stay far away from him, and make sure you keep yourself and kids safe until he is stable. Frankly I think it is a thinly disguised effort to manipulate you with guilt and sympathy, don't be fooled.

HI SNL, I did offer to call for help.. we have a marriage counselor which he is going to start seeing individually and I offered to get her nubmer.. I sd you can call her.. i suggested he go to an aa meeting... or call a friend to come over.. I offered for him to go to the movies with me and kids tonight to see lord of the rings...<p>I told him there are crisis hotlines he can call and I can get a number if he does not feel like looking it up- I could tell he was crying on the phone.. rare for him.. I think he really is depressed.<p>I reminded him of the good things he has in his life... I suggested he make a gratitude list.. I apologized for not being who or what he needed in a wife... etc etc.<p>OK, you are right... this is another mess.. and he is a mess right now...<p>He has had deep childhood issues, drinking issues as long as I have known him.. and as he cannot blame me for his problems.. I start being nice.. he starts blaming other people places or things for his problems... he has to own up and grow up.. <p>I suggested he work a 12 step... I got off the phone, when he started sounding better. he does have a gun and he is unstable.. <p>THis did make me feel like we need time to work on this.. .and make me aware that we are not in the same place.. but I am not sure if it was manipulative.. but I can see how it would be.<p>He did even through in the conversation that all of the choices he has made he is ok with and he feels ok about them.. I did treat him bad... and that is why he turned to multiple other women.. right??? I think he was hoping I would agree... I did not answer or talk about that comment. but my guess is he is hoping I really did drive him into the arms of all these women...<p>Thanks, L

Anyone experienced this? bump^^^^^

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by honey:
<strong>Anyone experienced this? bump^^^^^</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
honey, did he get drunk last night?

He was drinking, but not to the point of being repulsive.. the drinking is a major issue... and I am starting to feel stupid for even wanting to make things work. HE IS A problem alcoholic and not the man I need in my life this is the root of it all.. unfortunately I would like him to be the man I need... so many others see him as likable, smart, friendly , etc etc and they just do not know the real monster like I do. It is very very sad. I do need alanon and really think it will be better, or at least best for me in this situation... I hate to hear over and over that he is an alcoholic... therefore... he just is not going to be what I need. My therapist has sd.. the relationship will always be wrong, damaged, etc while he is drinking, unless he seeks recovery. I hope you people out there are not starting to think I am hopeless and crzy... I am having a hard time working through it. <p>thanks so much, HONEY

Help...

bump

{{{{Honey}}}},
Your H is a mess. My H went through the "maybe you all would be better off if I was dead" phase. It was all part of his manipulation of the situation. You need to remember, that your H has to WANT to change the situation. You can only control you. Pray for him; night and day. You don't have to make it harder on him, but YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM HEALTHY. He has to WANT that for himself. Please try to let go of him and his problems, it's making you LOSE YOU. We know you love him and SO DOES HE. He's using you as a scapegoat for his problems. Offer to take him to detox if you have to. Otherwise, stay out of it as much as possible. I'm praying for you. I'm praying for your H. There is nothing more you can do to help him.<p>MOM

Honey, my dad was an alcoholic and my WH has a drinking problem. You say you came from family of alcoholic husbands. <p>You know the game. You know the blame they will heap on you. Don't accept it. I agree with MOM. Let go of his problems. Think Plan A, but think that Plan A is not only about showing him love, but loving yourself and making yourself a better person, and coming to know and believe the value and worth of yourself. I am figuring out that about Plan A in only a short time. I think I can finally see that there will be a day that I WILL CHOOSE whether to continue waiting or let it go because I cannot accept behaviors like the drinking and OW that your husband (and mine) is doing. <p>Have faith. I will pray for you, Honey. <p>Dear Father: Please give Honey the strength she needs to carry on her day and be grateful for her many blessings. Please give Honey the serenity accept the things that she cannot change -- her husband, and the courage to change the things she can -- herself, and the wisdom to know the difference. Father, help Honey find Peace. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Honey,<p>I know this is hard. There are many things going on here. And it is all so predictable.<p>My ex-h never was suicidal but he did use the 'i'm too depressed to function' excuse all the time. I do believe that he was and continues to be depressed. But I also call it an excuse be cause he will not get the help he needs. I even set up a doc's apointment for him a couple of times but he'd convince the doc that he was ok. Then tell me how depressed he was in the car on the way home.... I will never understand people who do not seek the help they need.<p>Alcohol and drug abuse.....
if your h is drinking and taking pain & depression meds, he is also abusing drugs. He could end up with a fried brain or dead with the combination. You are seeing the results of mixing the two... .unstable emotions. He was not very stable before. Things are getting worse. It will continue to do so until he stops the alcohol abuse and mixing it with drugs.<p>Alcoholic and abusive behavior....
Although I believe that any time someone says they are suicidal, it should be taken seriously, there really is nothing you can do. He's a big boy making bad choices and it's his right to do so. You may want to call a suicide hot line to find out what you can do the next time if he is really threatening. You may be able to have him committed for a few days. That might scare him out of the game and scare him into getting help.<p>But most of all this sounds like a game. You were getting stronger, pulling yourself together. So he gets worse. This keeps the focus on him and puts him back in the driver's seat. You know the game. You've lived with it for a very long time. Pull away from it for your own sanity and for your kids.<p>{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

thanks for the posts, I need an alanon meeting.. H got mad at me again this morning for being honest with him about a situation.. saying that I ruin his life... etc etc Thanks for the fdback.. today is another day... threatening his life is not helping him today... while I do believe this is a scary thing... and I woke up early this morning calling him to make sure he was alive... I do see his manipulation... and I am a key in the manipulative situation...it is very sad and true that he is very sick... I need help too, as this family illness has caused me to be more than in need of help. thanks, honey

You've lived with it for a very long time. Pull away from it for your own sanity and for your kids.<p>
Can I say thank you zorweb... he has ranked me back in and is now on top... since I did something else to pi++ him off.. I called one of his recent dates and let them know I am trying to work on marriage and hoped she would not become involved with my H.<p>Now he says he can never talk to me again, as I am driving his friends away... etc etc<p>Thanks, HONEY

I read this honey and my heart hurts.<p>Have you suggested AA to him. Sounds like he needs a good rehab, sponsor, etc.

Hi, I am hurting all the time because of all of this, anyone reading my posts can tell I am sure... I hope and pray he will get in aa and get a sponsor... please pray for this, this would be the first miricle of my life... and his whether I am to be in it or not... I am now accepting this, and it is OK if he moves one.. I just want him to be happy, and not blame me anymore... <p>HONEY ...

thanks for your prayers.. alcoholism is cunning baffling and beyond anything I can do anything about... I am letting go and letting God. STEP 1<p>Thanks, HONEY.

Honey, you and yours will most definately be in my prayers.<p>When I read your initial post here I had tears in my eyes. <p>Without going into too much detail, my situation with MM had a brief phase what was very much like what you're going through now.<p>At the end of May he was struggling with addiciton issues. He knows that I have been sober for a long time but he never told me the whole truth about his addiciton. I thought that he sometimes had too much wine with dinner.<p>One day he calls and tells me that he was going in to the hospital to have a diviated septum fixed. Then I got a message that they had transfered him to a different hospital. I called the new hospital to check on him and found out quite my accident that he was there on the detox ward. I asked to speak with him and could not.<p>2 days leter I get a 1 am call from him saying "I need your help, can I come to your house." Of course I said yes, and he showed up at 2 AM drunk as a skunk and VERY happy. I asked him what was going on and he said that he had a cocaine addiction and that he was supposed to go to rehab. In typical addict fashion he didn't follow the protocol and so they put him in detox until his bed was ready in rehab. He didn't like detox because he was bored and lonely so after 2 days he checked himself out. He called home and his W told him that he couldn't come home until he completed his program. <p>So natually he came to my house. We stayed up all night talking, etc. He was drunk and VERY, VERY jovial. <p>The next morning the sun came up and he was in a pit of depression. I took my son to be with a friend. When I returned home he was in the fetal position on the floor. He was wailing, crying and rocking like a crazy man. Telling me that he wanted to die. He couldn't believe what he's done to his life, etc. I asked him to go to a meeting with me and he had a million and one excuses as to why he just needed to stay at home with me.<p>I called his family so that they knew he was ok. I called his W and handed him the phone. All I know is that they had a huge fight. Then he went home.<p>The next night at 2 am he calls me crying, asking if he could come over. I said "yes" but made a mental note "this is the last time."<p>He was depressed, suicidal, making threats about self harm, etc.<p>Honest to God, that was the first time in our nearly 10 year history that the drama of it all was real and in my face. It was the first time that I saw what his poor W must have been dealing with. I told him, "I love you, but you can't stay here. If you want to go to a meeting, i'll go with you, but otherwise you're getting out of here!"<p>He said no to a meeting, so I put him in a cab to his mother's house in Jersey. I called later to make sure that he was ok and got there safely. I didn't speak to him again until he got home from rehab. His recovery is going ok I guess. I really don't know. <p>All of that to say, I can't imagine what W's go through. I don't envy you 1 second of that hell. And it's pure hell to be dealing intimately with an addict. I am thankful to God that I could remove myself from the equation by simply kicking him out of my apartment. My doorman hailed him a cab and that was that.<p>If he were the father of my children, my life partner or anything like that I don't know how I would have dealt.<p>There are a TON of things that I just dont know. But I know very clearly that I can't afford to spend time with addicts.<p>Honey, rest assured, you are in my prayers. I was able end my involvement with one swift action. I can't imagine a life where the untying is more complicated.<p>God bless.
KS

thanks for your note, I appreciate it, I am at work, and will get back later.. I am thinking about it, thank you. L.

Katie Scarlett, I am so sorry you have been the OW in this position for so long... I know it must be awful and I can symphathize... YOu are luckier to have kept your distance from the addict in your life... it is horribly destructive to have them just use whoever, whatever, wherever to be the problem or their fault... of the whole thing... I am so tired of all of this, and I lve my H so much and just want us to have a family, unfortunately HE is acting like a kid, and not at all being the responsible adult I need in my life to help with my kids.... and our adult responsiblities as parents.. I have been his parent for a long time... and I am just focusing on letting go. MY DREAM would be for him to go to a treatment center and realize that he really has a serious problem with alcohol and that it hurts him and everyone who loves him.. unfortunately he DOES not want to admit this, and it is easier to deny it, and also to just drink at night and be functional during the day... I tried so many ways to live with the alcoholism.... and I finally got to the one way that was making him more resonsible.. well I wasn't making him... I was letting responsibility fall on him- I think it will again... I am glad for this... I just hope some OW doesn't come along and take care of him.. same goes for his family .. they are so bad at saving him.. and saving him and saving him... and Lord knows I was too, but for my own good and his own good I have to let him fall.... This is when he started to think I wasn't a good wife... I guess... there are many other issues, but I know this is a big one... I built a big detachment wall and let him drink... and just lived my own life... WELL, it worked for me.. but he felt alone... and needed a party buddy... I started out as a party buddy, but I grew up... we have 2 precious children and they needed a MOMMY><p>My heart goes out to you too.<p>Thanks, HONEY

"maybe you all would be better off if I was dead" phase"<p>These were his exact words.. he said you wand the kids would get the insurance. . my parents would know they messed up.. and the OW (bit++) his words yesterday.. would know how bad she is too...<p>Well, I told him no amount of money , etc is worth his life. He is just likely manipulating me... as next day (today) he is back to his monster twin saying everything is all my fault again... <p>thanks, HONEY