Rang in the New Year with good friends in a crowded pub. Got very drunk and stood on the stage with my fists in the air shouting "2002 is MY YEAR!" Probably looked like a complete nutter, but I didn't care. I meant it! Besides, I was being cheered on by everyone. <p>WH sent me a text at about 8:30 asking me what I was doing for New Yr Eve and wished me a good one. I didn't answer. Got another one at exactly 12:05am saying "Happy New Year, V. Hope 2002 is better for us that 2001. And hey! We still have Xmas presents to open!" I sent one back wishing him well and saying that I loved him. <p>Woke up with hangover at a friends house, yadda yadda. About 3pm, my cell phone rang and it was my WH!!! I couldn't believe he was ringing me! I didn't answer it. Didn't want to. He sent me a text after he hung up saying he was going around to my place to pick up his mail. This sent me into a panic, because I didn't want OW to be with him and in MY house. I rang and despite hangover, stayed in Plan A mode. I asked how he was getting over to my house and he said OW had just driven him back to our city and he borrowed her car. I said, very nicely, that I didn't want her in my flat. He said he wouldn't do that to me and that she wasn't with him. Fine. He then started with the questions. Wanted to know where I was (I just said "not at the flat"). Wanted to know what I did last night. Wanted to know who I was with. I evaded his questions and changed the subject really well. Thought I would keep his guessing. He sounded quite panicky about it. I asked him how his New Yrs Eve was and he said "boring" and that they just stayed in and drank wine. (Yawn) I asked why he didn't go out, as he had said to me before Christmas that he wanted to do something different for New Years. He said OW didn't want to go out. (Ha!!!!)<p>Anyway, another friend picked me up and we went out for coffee. Got another text from WH at 5:20 that said, "Hi V. So whereabouts in the city are you? Was thinking of going over to A & B's house, if you're there, for a chat?" Well...I WAS at A & B's house earlier, but left to have coffee. So I sent a text back saying simply, "No, sorry. Not there. Speak to you later." Obviously, OW had gone home, otherwise he wouldn't be reaching out to me like this. I was actually laughing at how predictable and transparent my WH had become. <p>Two seconds later, my phone rang. It was WH. I hit the "busy" button and sent him to my answering machine. He didn't leave a message. <p>I finally stopped and realised that I was SO okay with not wanting to speak to him that it was almost unreal. I felt SO good and SO happy being with my best friend, having coffee and chatting, and when I saw WH's name on my phone as he was ringing me, I just thought to myself, "I really cannot be bothered right now." Very nice feeling. <p>So then I got ANOTHER text from WH a few minutes later that said, "It felt bizarre being in our flat. Hopefully going around to A & B's in a minute. Feels strange in my house and it's messy. I feel like I want to ignore everything."<p>I raised and eyebrow but let it go and didn't answer. <p>Went back to friends house to watch a movie. Just as we sat down, got yet ANOTHER text from WH. This one said, "So where did you stay last night? Currently heating up the oven for a frozen meal. Dreading going back to work tomorrow. Our flat was cold but almost felt warm. Weird."<p>WHAT?<p>I sat there with my mouth hanging open. I couldn't believe my WH was actually admitting that our home, where we used to live together, felt "warm" to him. Amazing. Guess the fog lifted just a small bit while he was here. Guess when he got here and it was empty and I wasn't in it, he started to think rationally for just one iota of a second. Miracle. <p>Two minutes later, my phone rings again. It's WH. I didn't answer it. REALLY not in the mood to be his "second best" all of a sudden. I mean, OW goes home and he's left on his own and it's "Let's contact Venus over and over again for the rest of the night" time! No thanks. <p>He left a message this time. "Hi V. Erm...just wanted to talk to you really. Don't know what about. Bit bizarre going to the flat. Almost strange that I don't live there, and yet feel like I should do when I walk in there. Bizarre. Anyway, maybe we'll speak later. Okay. Bye."<p>I was floored. Considering OW was at his house waiting for him while he was at my flat, he was still feeling this way? 'Splain Lucy!!!!!!!!<p>I debated about whether or not to call him back. He sounded down, but I didn't want to get sucked into his "feel sorry for me" game. I decided that, since I had promised to always be there for him if he needed me, then I should honour that promise. <p>He sounded sad on the phone, but I stayed strong and positive. He kept asking where I was, who I was with, what I did the night before, where I spent the night. I kept answering very vaguely by saying "with friends" and then changing the subject. He finally came out and asked me point blank if I was seeing someone else. I answered honestly and said "No, of course not. I'm married and in love with my Husband." He went silent. I smiled. Small talk carried on before he said, "Can I tell you something really weird and annoying about OW and her family?" I said sure. I won't bore you with all the details, but basically they are very "anal" according to him and make sure to save every piece of wrapping paper AND the gift tags to be used over and over again. He said the OW even used a gift tag from 5 years ago when she was still married and has crossed out her EXH's name! I said to him, "That's not annoying, it's downright creepy." He laughed and said it drove him crazy. <p>I listened to him tell me all these things about OW and her family. I finally realised that he didn't have a very good time. In fact, I think spending that huge amount of time with OW was a huge wake-up call for him. Hence the reason he tried so desperately to get in touch with me and see me after she left. <p>Anyway, (this is getting long! Sorry!!!!) we spoke briefly about how he felt at the flat. He said, again, that it felt warm and that he felt he should be living there. I said that he is always welcome, it's his home still and if he wants to come back then it's definitely something we can talk about but it's entirely up to him. I said there was no pressure and it was his decision. He just said, "okay." <p>Then he pushed to spend time with me this week. He asked if I wanted to go to the Christmas sales and then come back to the flat and have some dinner and exchange our gifts. I said sure and then said I had to go. Made sure that he knew he could call me anytime he wanted to talk and that I loved him very much. He said, "thank you". And we hung up. <p>Right. Opinions, please. Not on me, because I know how good I've felt for the past few days, but on my WH. Pretty interesting stuff, n'est pas?<p>Hope you all had a good New Year. I made a huge group of New Year's Eve partiers drink a toast to all MB Warriors last night! Glasses were raised for all of you!<p>love and a happy 2002 for us all,
VE

VenusEnvy-------- Go Girl Go, and Good for you. I really enjoyed your post!!! Sounds like REALITY might be setting in with the H.
This is a GREAT NEW BEGINNING for you.
Good luck and hope it keeps getting better.
Mikkey

It sounds to me like he is getting alarmed that you aren't chasing him anymore or so readily available and that is disturbig him. I think you should keep on doing what you are doing by playing somewhat hard to get but definately letting him know that you have a life and you aren't going to sit around waiting for him. <p>You also did a good job letting him know that there are opportunities still available for him so you don't shut the door. I also think it was GREAT that he had all this time with the OW - it is making the shine come off quickly! And finally, venus, I think you execute a beautiful Plan A - you are strategic and thoughtful and exercise the self control necessary to make it all worth while. Good job, girl!

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>when the WH starts talking to you about the OW that it's a GREAT sign.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yes, I have to agree with this statement. NOT THAT I have any experience in this area, either, mind you!! YET.<p>BUT, I'd like to add a caveat I heard, and don't intend to forget. BE VERY CAREFUL about engaging WITH him in "bashing" OW. I don't know why, but for some unearthly reason, I was warned that this can "backfire" on you. Apparently it has something to do with the WS's meandering in and out of the fog, and they're ability to attach to YOU statements that they, themselves have said! <p>Or put other way, he might just turn around suddenly and begin to defend HER if he thinks YOU are being TOO HARSH....even though HE HIMSELF is the one making the statements!! Weird, eh?<p>Anyway, I, for one, am enjoying your story, and living vicariously through your trials and tribulations and stumbling ever closer to recovery....yes!!<p>Lupo

Oh venus I am soooo proud of you!<p>You did great, couldn't have reacted better. Let him be your friend, good plan A! Everytime he sees you make sure you are right on dazzling. <p>One of the things that drove my WH crazy was how cheapo-creepy xOW was. He only had to see me being amazingly caring, loving, never minding the expenses for anything he might have liked, and giving him stuff with a smile for him to realize how badly he had messed up.<p>Keep it up venus, don't let the fogese trap you, let the OW be the wicked witch of the west, continue to be the goddess yourself [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] .

What a great post. You did a super job. It is nice to see someone getting closer to getting out of the FOG. YOU GO GIRL!!!!

Thanks everyone! Feeling really good today. A lot of the same from WH this morning and afternoon. He's back at work, so I've received 2 emails. Been too busy to reply, if I'm honest. Then a couple of text messages came through. I didn't answer. Then he rang. Said he just wanted to call and say hi and see how I was. Strange man. Kept the conversation in Plan A and cut it short saying I had things to do and thanks for calling, etc...<p>What IS he doing? Wish there was a handbook for this bit - maybe it's guilt from Christmas and New Year? Who knows. Even better question - do I care?<p>(oops! Did I say that outloud? LOL!)<p>love,
VE

Well, I just think he is lonely and guilty. There is venus being the goddess of grace, there is OW being LB queen.<p>Let him stew for a bit, continue to love yourself and do what you feel is best for you. He had his own little egotistical playing time in lalaland, you are having fun legitimatedly following rules and all!<p>When you get together for christmas gifts be sure to keep it up, look amazingly beautiful, tempt him a little bit see what a dish he is missing [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] , (get some clear lipgloss, as far as I know it turns on every single man I know of who is straight, also gay if applied to other male though lol).<p>Have fun! 2002 is the venus year, no need for astrology here! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by lupolady:
BUT, I'd like to add a caveat I heard, and don't intend to forget. BE VERY CAREFUL about engaging WITH him in "bashing" OW. I don't know why, but for some unearthly reason, I was warned that this can "backfire" on you. Apparently it has something to do with the WS's meandering in and out of the fog, and they're ability to attach to YOU statements that they, themselves have said!<hr></blockquote><p>Yep, yep, yep ....<p>My H did this, he'd say something disparaging about OW when she was pushing so hard, then a day or so later he accused me of sayng those things.<p>Another very odd thing he continued to do was blame me for saying bad things about him that the OW was saying ... I know she was saying them cuz I was listening to her several daily pages. <p>It was very very bizzarO.<p>What was a bit frustrating is I couldn't say back to him "OW said that about you, I didn't!" ... jeeeez.<p>But, can you guys imagine if I didn't have her voice pages to listen to, I would have thought my H had gone mad acusing me of stuff I never said.<p>What am I talking about ... he WAS nuts!<p>Jo<p>[ January 02, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

I do agree with the OW bashing.
I tried my best to keep away while WH was in fog at all (I didn't even know he was, but I guess the gut feeling was good).<p>If he said something awful about her I was to shut up and just enjoy in silence, if I opened my mouth he'd get all puffy and mad at me, example:<p>WH: "OW is such a psycho, a cheapo wh*re"
Me: "Heh..."<p>(WH gets puffy and defensive of his X'friend'. Fog is a funny thing, the moment you turn your face the moment it bites you in the butt.<p>When he brings on the OW bashing just listen, don't grin too much, I know it is difficult, but just, let him steam, keep a journal if necessary
[img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] or get a tiny voice recorder to keep handy lol, i wish I had had one, my WH won't believe some of the mayor cr*p he put me through.<p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Venus Envy, What a beautiful post... I am happy for you, and proud of you. YOU GO GIRL! You are doing great... I will be following your posts and hoping for some of the same...my H kind of goes back and forth- but I am still in the pursuing role WAY TOO MUCH, I know it, and I have to get out of it... for some reason I have been afraid that if I do not show him I love him... he will think he should just go to the OW>... ???<p>Silly, because probably if I leave him alone he will start to miss me. THat is the way it works.. I am glad it is working for you.. if I had no kids, I would be out partying some too, but I have 2 boys that keep me at home! I am going to really start working harder and living better, I am tired of living in the desperate pit of sadness and sorrow I have built for myslef throughout this mess.. so far.<p>Thanks and happiness, HONEY