H continues to say that "right now", he cannot be my husband. Although he has had an apt since 10/01, only parents and sisters/one friend/one neighbour know the truth. <p>As I mentioned in one of my threads, he wanted to wait until after Christmas. Now that Christmas has come and gone, he's still holding out. <p>I don't know what to expect but I do know that I FEAR the day he will open up. Am I in denial hoping fervently that he may change his mind before telling anyone?

Are you in denial? I can't answer that, I'm afraid.<p>I will say that if your H feels the need to announce your split-up that he should do the following:<p>a) let you know who he told and what he told them<p>b) agree that he will tell them that there is another person in his life and that's the reason why the two of you are splitting up, and that it has nothing to do with you. In other words, he has to take responsibility and be the bad guy.<p>Those would be my two criteria. <p>belld

My H has told everyone that everything is my fault.. I have pretty much had it with all of this crap. GOod luck to you.. Don't expect him to take respnsibility . IT is my feeling they usually blame the bs for all the things that you did hahahah to drive them away... ha ha ha <p>HONEY

What do YOU want?? If it is bringing the A to the light of day, then do it. If you want it to remain secret to all others, that's also your choice.<p>I think it depends on what situation you are in. There are very few of our friends and family that know the whole reason why WS is in apt right now. Most don't know about the A. My neighbor across the street works with OM. Last month I told WS that if things didn't start to look positive, I was telling everyone just so I wouldn't have to keep telling partial truths.<p>Go with your gut instinct and make the decision.<p>God Bless,<p>Guido [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

I don't think you are in denial...just hoping for a better outcome.<p>You never know. I think it is hard for WS to cut the ties...it is frightening for them also...I think.<p>I would just try to keep plan Aing...and don't work yourself into a frenzy. I think I would tell some trusted friends, so you have an outlet. You can't keep facing this alone. I know, I did that through many of my H affairs, and it about killed me. This time, everyone knows--and if there was a possibility of us getting back together...it may be a problem. I think I would have to move. But, since I don't think there is a possibility of my marriage improving, letting people know has helped me tremendously get through this ordeal.<p>I think right now, he is putting huge emotional
baggage on your shoulders. How are you supposed to keep going--portraying to others that nothing is wrong and in reality your life is falling apart. That shouldn't go on for ever. <p>Don't know if that makes sense...take care of yourself.

The first time my H left, I didn't tell anyone for a month. I'm pretty sure I was in denial.<p>I could be wrong, but having gone through 7 separations...I've thought about this a lot. Here are some questions for you to sort it out:
-By not telling people you are separated, are you "covering" for him?
-Do you save up messages, his mail?
-Do you lie?
-Does he have the right to, first abandon you, then ask you to take phone messages?<p>I don't believe you have to go out of your way to alert people that he has left, but if someone calls for him, say, he doesn't live here, you can reach him at # (new phone, cell phone, or work).<p>By not telling people you are safeguarding him from some natural consequences, ie, friends, relatives, neighbors saying, "What the heck are you thinking of!" or even "What you are doing is wrong". Not a lot of people have that much guts, but some do.<p>You don't have to say anything about the A, that is up to you, but your H left you...he doesn't have the right to expect you to protect him with lies & secrets--unless that is your choice.<p>I also doubt that whether you tell anyone about your separation or not would keep him from coming home. He may use that as an excuse, but it is just that, an excuse, the old make the BS the bad guy. If he wants to come home, and you want him to come home, it will not matter who knows that he was out of the home.<p>You can also say, "my H has moved out, I'm hoping we will reconcile." It doesn't blame him, but indicates that you are willing to work on the marriage.<p>Just my opinion after my H being out of the house 14 out of 21 months, and now 20 months of recovery. <p>Telling people he has moved out is speaking reality and letting a little reality into the affair fantasy generally is a good thing.