(Happy New Year everyone!)<p>Sooo... WH and I spent the night eating and drinking a little bit (we are not too keen of alcohol, and if we do drink it is just a max of 3 to 4 glasses of wine each [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] ), we woke up late and we didn't do much, we spent most of the day asleep because it was cold outside and everything was closed. We went to bed late, and around 5:00 am we both woke up from a nightmare.<p>Looks like our dreams are starting to get syncronized again. I had a nightmare connected to his nightmare. On his he was joking with a relative about getting married (he was married to me already BTW), but his relative didn't take it as a joke, and so my WH got very nervous, because he has grown very wary of women lately, and didn't want his male relative to go spreading rumours around and getting women acting all crazy.<p>I on the other hand, was having a nightmare about him having another wife, and me having two husbands (who by the way were him, just one nice and one jerk lol).<p>After that we talked a bit, made heads out of tails, and suddenly he said:<p>"I want to punch OW in the face so badly right now" holding his fist tight in the bed.<p>I told him to punch a pillow to release some steam, that he shouldn't be worried about me freaking out, so he did. I asked what had triggered the OW on his head, he said he had said he loved the sound of the rain outside, and that then I said yes it is beautiful I love it too, and then like an echoe he had hear the voice of xOW saying "yeah me too", that made him very angry, like wanting to say "Oh shut up, you liar" I guess, because then he said he had this picture on his head of a spiral, and then it looked like a white hair, then like xOW's hair, and then he just had this impulse of pulling her hair and punching her on the face [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] I guess he was stuck in nightmare mode because it took me a while to shake it off too, and he also had this other nightmare a couple of weeks ago of us bumping on her in the mall and him being very angry at her and trying to pretend he didn't even see her.<p>Oh boy does he hate her? Or does he hate her?<p>What is funny is that I found myself giving him pointers to stop wasting energy on being mad at her, now I thought that was hillarious.<p>He had this kind of probs before, he really has grown to hate her a lot, and I don't think that is healthy either, but I guess it is partly my fault for asking so many friggin questions about the A, not that I didn't need them, I just opened a can of worms I guess.<p>I was thinking, perhaps he needs IC to get some of these issues out. He has been breeding a lot of resentment lately, because we have gone through a lot of things on his past and has learnt that most of his female friends and ex love interests had just taken advantage of him, none of them ever gave a damn about him and in case of need would have kicked him if he fell, and in fact they actually did that too.<p>I ask him how he feels, if he resents anything, but he says he is fine, untill he explodes suddenly triggered by nothing. He doesn't get angry angry outbursts and never has hurt me, he just gets a hole on his stomach and gets frustrated. He has learnt to not let this hurt make him hurt me, so I am not scared, I just want to make him feel better.<p>I guess we both got a long way to deal with resentment, I just wish there was a guide for WS to deal with resentment against xOP's, any idea where I can find one? I'd greatly appreciate.

Not much help but a comment on similar situation.<p>EA almost PA but a great deal of other fallout, professionally, legally, criminal charges, etc.<p>My H says he wants to punch OW in the face. He had a dream that he was choking her off the side of a building and then he just let go. I asked him if it upset him and he said only that it wasn't true. He says he turned to her for comfort in his pain and she "took advantage of him for her own agenda." He feels preyed upon. He says that she caused him to make bad decisions that hurt me deeply and made him almost ruin everything because she was in his head turning him against me. He also hates himself and is trying to change immensely to be a man who acts with integrity.<p>I don't disagree that she was manipulating him when he was vulnerable for her own agenda, she had some crazy plan for them to move away together. But the force of his hatred concerns me. You see, he used to despise everygthing about me. Now he loves me (is head over heels in love with me), is sorry he didn't see that all he ever wanted was right in front of him and wants her dead. This from a man that until recently could not express, admit or acknowledge, even to himself, any feelings other than anger. I worry that my H is burying positive feelings for her. He says that it was never about her but projecting what he wanted me to be saying to him and now that I do he doesn't need her. So why all the anger and not indifference?<p>Ok, I am rambling but I am in the same boat. Your H may very well just hate her but I am worried about mine repressing stronger feelings.

nursebetty,<p>Yes! I am wondering about those issues too, is he just reflecting deeper emotions? is he just mad at her?<p>He has said more or less the same about the xOW, how he hates her for manipulating him, for using him (they dated for 2 years before he met me), how she had cheated on him, how he had been so stupid to ever believe her lies about her being his friend etc etc.<p>He feels cheated, used, he says that discovering all the stupidities he did by confusing love with sex made him even want to just castrate himself, [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] fortunatedly I can make him change his mind since I want his babies still [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>It is good to know I am not alone on this little boat. <p>Any info out there please I'd greatly appreciate everybody!!!

**bump

My H expresses a lot of anger at the OW, and I am glad. He is still seperated from me, and I think still getting over her.. but that little you know what... keeps calling and dangling him on a string.. he is trying hard to get out of it... and it is hard on him I know...<p>I know one moment he misses her, and one moment he explodes at her... I have to watch my plan a and not lb, my H is tending to turn to her... or other women.. when he angers at me. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Problem here? i do think many a ws have problems with facing truth and honesty in intimate relationships.<p>Just my 2 cents. I think the anger helps them get over it... let them express it!<p>Thanks, HONEY

One more comment friends, I think that they also want to blame OW, and not face that they did this all by their grown up selves too! I know the OW in my life is a predator and a sorry you know what for hurting my family... but I am starting to feel and admit the anger for my H in that he did this- and without his willingness to do this to me... it could not of happened. At first I blamed everyone and everybody except for him, and guess what HE is the one who did this to me!<p>thanks again, HONEY

Good points, Honey.<p>The anger the Wandering Ones direct towards the Other Ones might often be a way for them to channel the anger they feel at themselves for what they did?<p>I think so, anyway. I don't mind it at all...I turn the famous Other Person argument ("Hey, I didn't take any vows") around a bit. I can't be forever angry with my spouse if I want to recover the marriage...but I didn't promise Jack (apologies to anybody named Jack) to the scumbag who inserted himself into my married life. So if he gets a disproportionate share of my W's or my anger...oh well!<p>I fully realize, however, that none of this could have happened without the consent of my spouse.

Well my WH so far has accepted full responsability of his acts, he was on the fog for 2 years trying to make himself believe nothing was wrong and it was no biggy [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] . <p>He does feel a lot of anger towards OW though, he says that he hates her because of the awfull awfull person she was, he hates himself more mind you, but he wishes he could make her pay some for a lot of pain she has caused me. He does know that she did cause me pain due to his ineptitude while trying to protect me etc etc.<p>I am just worried this anger is not healthy, not that I don't like hearing him bash her to smitherness though [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]