Here's a question that I have been struggling with. I am the BS and I have been snooping on my WS. What I have found has given me uneasy feelings. The question is how do I approach this ? Do I just ask about how we are doing or do I admit to the snooping and ask about the things that I am uneasy about ? I know It's a major LB and I also know we have to get to the root of things, and that honesty is the only way, but what's the best way to bring it up ?

Mark H --<p>I don't know about the "best" way to approach the discussion but I think your idea of asking "how are we doing?" is a good ice-breaker. I don't know that admitting to snooping at the outset accomplishes what you want and it certainly puts her on the defensive immediately. You might want to hold onto the snooping info for a bit and see what comes up naturally.<p>It's a difficult and delicate thing under any circumstances but evidently you have had your suspicions aroused and, you're right, both of you need to get to the root of things. You may not need to bring up your snooping but it's likely that you will if you're not getting what you want.<p>Give her a chance first to talk in a comfortable, non-confrontive environment. Don't pull out your big guns if they're not necessary--you're right about a major LB. On the other hand, you're concerned enough to post and to question so the issue needs addressing--together.<p>Post again and let us know how you're doing. Buona fortuna!<p>Ammon

Sorry to hear of your circumstance. Total honesty is a great policy, I try to live by it. But everything has a time and a place. I would not recommend revealing your source of info in the beginning. If a WS chooses to continue the EMA behind your back, you've only let them know what trace they left behind and what not to do next time. <p>If you must use your info, try to find a way to somewhat innocently find it and (this is the important part) have her give you permission. In my case, after bout 6 months of things not adding up, I broke into her email and found out for sure about her EMA. With that I started digging and tracking everything I could, just observing and also plan A'ing. I also tried a couple of those "I feel like we're growing apart, What can I do, What's going on?" discussions to see if she was going to talk at all. Nope&#8230;nada. Six weeks into it I had lots of evidence (mostly circumstantial), but I knew enough to fill in the gaps from "the didn&#8217;t add up" days. I asked the WW one day if I could see how her email software (different from mine) worked (a particular archive rule set function) she said no problem, singed on for me. While she watched I played around with it, going back and forth to MS web site and help menus. When she got bored and went to the other room, I forward all the emails to/from OM to my account, erased my traces and printed off a few of the more incriminated ones. When she walked in the room, I simply asked what these were all about? Of course, he (co-worker) is such a joker and was just trying to be funny. Months later when I finally pressed her for the truth, she admitted, and I admitted to snooping. <p>Be prepared for a full-blown attack on yourself when/and if you start alluding or asking about something being wrong. This web site is filled with "just a friend, you jealous, crazy,yadada". I would suggest you get in counseling 1st, while you observe. This will help you deal with it all.<p>
BTW - What evidence did you find while snooping? Whatever it is, someone here has found a way to deal with it. Let us know? Best of luck,<p>HI

I found a note to herself that says " stop feeling sorry for yourself you lazy lying hypocrite and do something" I also found a note that looked like it was going to be transferred to a birthday card that said " although you don't deserve a Birthday present from me I got you one anyway... enjoy" This had The OM's name on it ( his name is also the name of an old friend of hers who I know , and hid birthday is not anywhere near the time I found this.) I also found a list for Christmas cards with the shared name x 2 ( meaning she needed two cards). One other thing, I found a very beautiful To My Husband Christmas card that she did not give me ( she gave me a funny one instead) What's that all about. She did sign I love you ! . Am I making too much of this and I am just not sure how to begin talking about it. I need suggestions. Any and all will be appreciated.

Sounds pretty circumstantial at this point. I wouldn't discount it, but also I wouldn&#8217;t jump to conclusions just yet. Check out the "just found out" board here for the 50 signs of an EMA and see how much of this hits home. You'll also find a List of Snooping some where over there (I think), Things like CC bills and cell phone bills. Check it out and get back to us. Also try to take the high road on snooping (right now) by only looking at things that are not considered private, like bills, WWW history.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Mark H:
<strong>I know It's a major LB and I also know we have to get to the root of things, and that honesty is the only way, but what's the best way to bring it up ?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Mark:<p>I've also struggled with this. I resorted to it at times because I felt my WW's stories were not adding up. Be careful snooping. Can you handle the information that you learn? You might get hurt more. If what you learn is going to cause an angry outburt or other LB, you'd better not do it.<p>I do not necessariy think that it is a LB to snoop but if asked (or cornered) you'd better admit what you've been doing--although only enough to answer the question. It would be a big LB to say you haven't been snooping when you actually have.<p>You should just keep snooping evidence to yourself. Sometimes, counselors (coaches?) like Hareley and Chalmers can use the evidence to help guide or direct reconciliation efforts without actually letting on that they know about the snooping. You've really got to really trust your counselor with this information though.<p>HoFS

I agree with the rest. If you suspect, you are probably correct. The top 50 signs are a great tool. My WS hit 60% of them on the nose. It was scary. <p>I started snooping but let up for the same reasons you are wanting to let up. Don't. It bit me in the as*--I should have kept it up and would probably have seen results sooner.<p>DO be careful and as they said, ready for what you may find. Our cell bills come in the same mailer and I always used to question WS about a certain number that was always called--"Her best friend". Turns out to be the OM. <p>If you find out these things are true, document what you can, gather all you can and be ready for an emotional shotgun blast to the aorta. It hurts pretty bad.<p>G

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Mark H:
<strong>I found a note to herself that says " stop feeling sorry for yourself you lazy lying hypocrite and do something" I also found a note that looked like it was going to be transferred to a birthday card that said " although you don't deserve a Birthday present from me I got you one anyway... enjoy" This had The OM's name on it ( his name is also the name of an old friend of hers who I know , and hid birthday is not anywhere near the time I found this.) I also found a list for Christmas cards with the shared name x 2 ( meaning she needed two cards). One other thing, I found a very beautiful To My Husband Christmas card that she did not give me ( she gave me a funny one instead) What's that all about. She did sign I love you ! . Am I making too much of this and I am just not sure how to begin talking about it. I need suggestions. Any and all will be appreciated.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Mark,<p>I personally wouldn't approach a spouse with evidence like that. Nothing here really adds up to infidelity and it could cause more damage if you are wrong. Obviously, something is bothering you here so I would suggest holding off and keeping your eyes peeled until you have some real concrete evidence. <p>And I don't ever advocate giving away my sources - my sources are my own protection. If you ever get to the point where you do need to confront her, you don't want to give away your sources, just make statements like "I know you have been corresponding with Joe." You don't have to prove what you both already know. See what I mean?

Please go to therapy with her...