<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Katie Scarlett Wrote:
I think that many affairs begin as anger. I can't say that it's always anger at the BS. Anger with one's life, situation, marriage. It can be anger at anything.<p>Is not an A a vengeful act? It seems a pretty mean and agressive thing to do if you're married. I have cheated on many boyfriends. (for me) It ALWAYS begun with the though of "I'm so pissed..."<hr></blockquote><p>I'd like to hear from both the BS and WS, as to whether or not you believe the A in your marriage started in "Anger". And if so, what were they/you angry about?<p>Lv,
Jo<p>[ January 02, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Jo<p>I think it is easy to mistake anger for frustration and I think that many As begin out of frustration.<p>Frustration about not being paid the attention the WS thinks they deserve...<p>Frustration regarding being taken for granted.<p>Frustration regarding low self esteem.<p>Frustration with a job/career situation.<p>Frustration with knowing you're not getting any younger. <p>Well...anyway some of these fit my WS and, I think, a lot of the stories on this board...<p>Just my $0.02<p>E

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Resilient:<p>I'd like to hear from both the BS and WS, as to whether or not you believe the A in your marriage started in "Anger". And if so, what were they/you angry about?
QB]<hr></blockquote><p>
Was XW angry at the world? You bet. For being sexually abused and raped. I did not know about this history until years after getting married. That is why when the A started, it did not surprise me.

my H started his affair while very angry at me...<p>but then again...even today...doesn't believe that he had an affair. He had a "premature" relationship. Whatever. I don't argue the symantics. He doesn't get angry at me for calling it an affair, and I don't insist that he acknowledge it as an affair - he's doing all that trust building stuff and recovery stuff...<p>So did he go out to have an affair because he was angry, in revenge?<p>no, but he was angry and thats why he was leaving

Hi Jo, Great thread...absolutely, postively and a resounding YES!<p>My H was angry and still is (may always be) very resentful of the needs I didn't fulfil...the very needs that the OW filled so "easily and without question". <p>It's just too bad that anger can fuel a devastating tragedy.

Anger toward S was definitely the main factor for DIL. She has said so (afterwards). I'm sure she believed the relationship (A) was the way to separate herself from what she thought was the cause of her emotional distress. It hasn't worked because the underlying cause of her distress is internal, not external.<p>Estes<p>Edited after reading okieman's post:
DIL was abandoned by father, sexually abused by step-grandfather, and co-dependent with bipolar mother who gives only conditional love. DIL's anger issues have to be overwhelming. It is so hard for a BS to counter normal marital friction and this kind of anger, too.<p>[ January 02, 2002: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Terrified:
<strong>It's just too bad that anger can fuel a devastating tragedy.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>It has been my experience that anger begats anger begats more anger.<p>That's why I think that Plan A is so interesting. It is the refusal (in the face of hurtful acts) to continue the cycle.<p>It has also been my experience that love begats love begats love. Even if not from the WS. I'm willing to bet the BS's who have done a big time Plan A in all parts of their lives have found themselves surrounded by love even if not from their WS.<p>Very interesting.

DITTO to Elad. 100% on target.

Resilient,<p>my reply on other thread<p>Estes

Katie Scarlett wrote:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I have cheated on many boyfriends. (for me) It ALWAYS begun with the though of "I'm so pissed..."<hr></blockquote><p>I find this terrifying. So you are angry at someone you love - you don't say, "I'm so pissed, I am going to give them a piece of my mind," or even "I'm so pissed, I don't want anything to do with him," but rather "I'm so pissed, I am going to betray him and hurt him in the worst possible fashion, do everything I can to destroy his self-esteem and his faith in everything." Making a conscious decision to betray someone because you are angry at them is just about as cruel as you can get.

Hi Jo - BTW, you look maaaaavelous today. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>As you probably already know, I suspect my W's A began in pain rather than anger.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Nellie1:
<strong>Katie Scarlett wrote:<p> <p>I find this terrifying. So you are angry at someone you love - you don't say, "I'm so pissed, I am going to give them a piece of my mind," or even "I'm so pissed, I don't want anything to do with him," but rather "I'm so pissed, I am going to betray him and hurt him in the worst possible fashion, do everything I can to destroy his self-esteem and his faith in everything." Making a conscious decision to betray someone because you are angry at them is just about as cruel as you can get.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>It was more like: "I have given this person a piece of my mind (i'm not exactly shy), i'm not ready to leave this relationship, we are at an impasse - take this!"<p>Once in a therapy session I said to my therapist, "do you think i'm passive agressive?" She said "no, I think you're regular agressive!"<p>I think she's right.<p>[ January 02, 2002: Message edited by: Katie Scarlett ]</p>

I believe my H. had an affair because of anger. Anger at life being unfair, getting married at a young age when I was pregnant, giving so many things up because he felt obligated. Now the kids are older he figured it wouldn't be as bad, his obligations were over etc. Now he is back, not seeing OW, but still sitting on a fence. Not wanting to discuss what happened, repressing his withdrawal and not wanting to see my pain. Yes it is a terrible thing to hurt someone like that, but it was their choice, not our fault they responded with an A. Instead of trying to make things work.

My affair was NOT borne of anger, but rather from a depressed MLC and deep hatred for myself and my life... I suppose if there was anger, it was more toward myself than my (then)H.<p>My ex-H's affairs:

• First - absolutely began in anger, was a virgin when we met, had children right away, mad at the world, seven year itch
• Second - made him feel good - TWO AT ONCE - WOO HOO
• Third - a surprise, he didn't mean it to happen, scared the poop out of him, told me all as it was happening
• Fourth - made him feel loved, complete emotional attachment he felt and she may have, but probably not
• Fifth - ANGER - BIG TIME as revenge for my affair

Okay, my turn ...<p>

• First - H's mother just passed on. They were extremely close. I think he may have been angry that she left him. She left a huge void in the family and my H's heart.
• Second - One-night stand out of anger that OW #1 was boinkin someone else.
• Third - Angry at me (W), I was not there for him, worked too much. Thing is, we dicussed my concerns over my new job and time spent away. I THOUGHT we had enthusiastic agreement. I also think it was "self anger". His career and dreams of fame were crumbling fast, and he was lost. I didn't see how my career probably made things worse.

<p>Jo<p>[ January 02, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

I go along with MB in that unmet needs + weakness/bad decisions lead to affairs. But it is just a small step from "My needs aren't being met" to "I'm angry my needs aren't being met" or "I'm going to seek a way to have my needs met"<p>I don't see anger in my H's affair, more of a MLC, available woman, wanting/seeking something "else".<p>I don't recall mine as anger either, someone met my needs at a point where my H didn't. I think I was lonely. And tired of it. Selfish taker on the rise.

My husband's affairs I believe were absolutely, definitely done out of anger (or that was the underlying reason.)<p>I believe people have affairs to anesthesize their pain and anger (when they realize at some point that the problems and issues are still there, the affairs end and hopefully they then turn to God and counseling to begin true healing and recovery.)

There must be some truth to this thought about Anger and the A. I mean other than starting with the same letter of the alphabet. How many WS' have you heard say, 'I am sooo happy that I went and had an A'? <p>Yes, lots of anger. Sad how some 'adults' choose to handle that anger. Bad choice and much pain. There is nothing fun or happy about an A. Even laughter between the OP and Ws is lined with painful memories. Even when they marry, still the memories of pain will forever be in their lives. <p>But you know what? If you are happy, it is hard maybe even impossible to be that dumb to have an A. Somebody out there, please disprove this thought, I certainly would be interested in how this might not be true. Because that is the kind of person I would worry about. <p>Just a side note, I did tell H just a few days ago that the one funny piece I will use from this experience to make me laugh when I am hurting is the crazy fact that OW wrote in an e-mail that she liked WS' nighttime bad breathe and his farts in bed. Hm..... I told H, ya know, I love you but not that much. H said how do you remember all that stuff!?!?! I said well it is not something you easily forget even if you read it just once!! he he he LOL!!! Then I proceeded to laugh hysterically, something I hadn't done in a long long time. H laughed too! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I said, well maybe she has a sinus problem, H said nope she is quite proud of her smelling abilities..... oooh more laughter... Gotta find the light side to all this craziness. <p>Yep, for now I think I am too much of a happy person to have an A. Or at least I hope so [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

Huh, who woulda thought..... well, all I can say is I wasn't mad at anyone, still not mad, I just made a friend.

Well snl,<p>You must be the unique one. Made a friend that almost broke up your family. Would you allow your family members to bring home a friend like that?<p>L.