My wife has been gone since 11/16/01. I will be picking her up at the airport tonight around 8:00 p.m. The reason she left was on the advise from the counselor for her to get away. She was involved with another man at her work who had left the company last month. She has broken all contact so she says since 11/11/01. Since then she has been doing a lot of partying and some smoking of pot with friends and co-workers.
I am in a state now that I don't know how to act. Do I act all loving towards her? Do I try to talk to her about the relationship? I don't know how to act or what to do or say. I can't act like everything is just ok because it really isn't.
One email she sent me at work she said the following...
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I have to say that I am really looking forward to coming home, but I'm also
extremely nervous because I don't know how things will progress once I get
there. I feel that there will be a lot expected from me (especially from my
Mom) and I just don't know how I'll be able to handle any of it.
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I don't know if she is saying she wants to work on the marriage but she has done so much wrong that she doesn't know what to do? Or if she is saying she doesn't know what she wants to do and there is too much pressure on her to decide. I don't want to act in anyway that will just ruin anything that might be there. So I am leaning on everyone for some sound advice. Do I ask her if she read the book Fall In Love, Stay In Love that I gave her to take on the trip? I am going to bet she didn't read it.
I need some good advice. I don't want to be a door mat but don't want to shut the door on myself...

I think you should be kind and loving, but not overly so, which means: hugs if she reaches out, her favorite coffee or tea (or something special to her that only you know), and **no** expectations...<p>Do NOT ask her about the book... instead be a safe person for her to discuss her feelings... you become her "safe haven"...<p>And finally, you are welcoming home someone who you love but still cannot trust. Be careful with your heart!

confused_guy --<p>I second new_beginning's thoughts. It's vital to maintain your perspective and goals--what, ultimately, do you want to happen and how can you best structure things to help them happen?<p>She's already expressed her fears and nervousness about her return. You have to go with that vulnerability and doubt. Be low-key and supportive, warm and friendly. She needs to feel as comfortable as circumstances will permit. She doesn't want to think that she's made a mistake by coming back. No confrontation or questioning-- keep it casual and mellow.<p>Don't discuss the relationship, don't bring up the book, don't act in any way that's your agenda--let this time be for her. Let her initiate the topics and set her own level. You know that things will be strained and tense; expect it and plan for it and go with it. Try to rehearse yourself interacting with her and try to anticipate her comments and responses. In other words, get comfortable with the situation before you're in it.<p>I also agree: no expectations! Take what is there and what comes but don't force or pressure or expect.<p>Post soon again and let us know how it worked out. We'll be thinking about you. <p>Ammon

No expectations is going to be very difficult to handle. She has put me in the dark when I caught her in all of this two months ago and she still isn't telling me anything more then she wants to be free and independant.
She hasn't opened up to me at all and my fear is that she won't with me but she will with one of her party friends.
The counselor said I need to speak up and find out where she is at sooner or later. I do agree so that my wife doesn't keep using me like a door mat. When does anyone suggest I talk to her about her spending the night with other guys and smoking pot with friends and co-workers? As well as my other concerns. Do I wait for the weekend? Any time is going to seem like a bad time to my wife. What does someone suggest? I am thinking not tonight but I need to do it either tomorrow or Friday.
Also how do I handle a situation if she gives me some b.s. that she has to work late or something like that? I can't trust her at all and that is the crap she was giving me before and she was going out after work. Also she is bringing some small gifts back for her looser party friends. So I know she is going to try and to visit them. How do I handle this or approach it? Or do I just let myself be used like a door mat some more? HELP!!!!!

CG --<p>You want all the answers to all the questions yesterday! I suggest slow and easy; you haven't had the answers (or any contact) for a month and a half. Plan to wait a bit longer. If you rush into the issues, you risk major LBs--guaranteed!<p>Again, what, ultimately, do you want to happen? I'm assuming a solid reconcilation with high LoveBank totals in both accounts. Now...how can you get what you want?<p>All of your fears are legitimate and real. You certainly would rather have her opening up to you than to a party friend. How can you set it up so that she's comfortable doing that with you? If you push or force or pounce, she'll retreat again.<p>I agree with your counselor that you will want to find out where she is with things, but I'd advise not putting it on a timetable. Setting a deadline of the weekend or tomorrow or Friday seems unwise to me. You don't really "need to do it" on any schedule. If "anytime is a bad time" for her, then accept that, for now, that topic isn't open for discussion. She may not have the answers now anyhow, so you could go through all that pressure for nothing. Of course you want and need answers but the timing really is in her control.<p>I don't think that biding your time equals being a doormat. I think it is the mark of a thoughtful and considerate husband who wants and needs his wife back in the picture. She obviously needed her space back in November; she may still (and probably does) need to have some of that room to breathe and catch her breath (she's worried about everyone's expectations for her!). <p>I say again: no expectations. Take what comes and be glad for her presence back in your home. At least she's returned... There are no easy solutions in this--nothing seems clear or pain-free. She may still need some space to be with her friends or to "work late." Make some clear boundaries now that she's home that reflect your needs and wants. If she abides, great. If not, at least she knows what you are about and what you need from her. Then if she choose another direction, you'll have some answers.<p>Hang in there and post again soon. We're thinking about the two of you.<p>Ammon

If you press her before she is ready to talk then expect lies. THen you have to deal with the original situation and lies on top of it. <p>Wouldn't you rather know the truth a little at a time in her time than never at all or none of it soon and all later stacked with lies on top.<p>I would say give her space, keep the conversation light (kids, their school, etc if applicable), don't talk about marriage or anything heavy unless she brings it up. When she changes subject then keep the subject changed.
Is it hard to do? Yes. <p>What is the ultimate goal?<p>Keep that in mind and go from there.
Good luck