I had a one night stand recently, and now I am feeling very guilty about it. My wife and I are pretty much newlyweds. I had never cheated on her before for the 9 years we have been going together. I have never been with another woman sexually, and I was curious. That was the main reason why I did it. I love my wife very much and would be devastated if she ever found out, because I know how hurt she would be. I am also worried that I might give her something, although I practiced safe sex, except for oral. I did some research and found out that the likelihood of getting HIV from oral sex is pretty low, so I am praying that that hasn't happened. Although I am no longer curious about other women, I do feel terrible about what has happened, and I do plan to be the best husband I can be to her.

Dear Trago,<p>You have to tell her. I doubt that this is what you want to hear but that`s the way it is. My H also had a one night stand and never had the intention of telling me but I just knew that something was up. It took three years for the truth to come out and only then it was when I worked up the courage to ask a third party.<p>You W deserves the truth. The is an infringement of your intimate relationship which belongs to the both of you. It is her business. She must know this. My H also did it out of curiosity and regretted it. That regret hung over our marriage and poisoned us. Not good. Unless you are a truely cold hearted snake it is going to affect your dealings with your W and you marriage forever until the truth comes out. I don`t think you are cold hearted or you would not have come here to MB for advice. You made a mistake and want to rectify it. That`s a positive first step. I hope you will go through the whole MB site. Telling your W the truth will not necessarily end your marriage. You will have some things to work on once you come clean with your W but in the long run the truth will liberate you. You won`t have any secrets which will haunt you and may one day come to light. <p>I am sorry this has happened. It`s sad for both of you. Go through the site and keep posting. We are all in the same boat here. Good luck.

I agree that you will have to tell your wife. She will more then likely find out one day. Better that it comes from you now, then it she finds out through some other source.<p>Very few marriages end over affairs... only about 2%. Statistically, it is very likely that your wife and you will find a way to deal with this. But I agree that keep secrets will distroy what is left of your marriage.<p>I suggest that before you tell her, you read the book, Surviving An Affair, by Dr. Harley... it is sold on this web site, amazon.com and most of the larger book stores. It will explain the reason for your affair (yes a one night stand is an affair).. why did the curiosity suddenly get the better of you? And it will give you the road map to recoverying your marriage and building a better one then you have ever had. Doing this homework first is one of the greatest gifts you can give your wife. She is going to need your help in handling her pain just as you are going to need hers. <p>Please read the book first...

Trago,<p>Let me tell you a little about my situation, and you'll see some similarities. <p>Four years ago, I had a brief EA (emotional affair - no intercourse). Eventually, I came to my senses and really took a hard look at what I was doing, and what I was throwing away. I ended it promptly.<p>However, I didn't tell my W. Partly because I wasn't entirely sure if I could love my W again and didn't want this issue to cloud that process, and partly (eventually) so I wouldn't hurt her like I knew it would. After falling back in love with my W, I thought I was protecting her => NOT SO!<p>Over the course of the last several years, the guilt has slowly eaten away at me. I've WANTED to tell her, but was unsure how, and afraid, and didn't want to hurt her. So instead, I slowly (and unknowingly) closed down our lines of communication. At first, it was just topics that could easily lead to a confession, then more and more until finally, I had pretty much completely shut myself off to her and to everything else too.<p>Well guess what, if you've read anything on this site, you'll know that that total lack of involvement on my part left her vulnerable to having an affair of her own.....and she has.<p>When I found out about hers, I confessed to mine so that I could show her that I really DO understand some of the feelings that she was having. Problem is, much of the last 4 years is now a lie to her, and she's unsure if she can ever trust me again.<p>If there were a SINGLE thing in life that I could take back, it would be the affair that I had. If that weren't granted to me, I'd take back the fact that I didn't come clean to her (this, above our current situation!).<p>Trago, I know that these aren't the words you want to hear...I'm hearing stuff that I don't want to hear now too. But at some point, we've both got to consider the experiences that others have had in similar situations. Granted, we may do ok with our desired choices, but experience often speaks volumes.<p>I hope this helps just a little.
Kev

Trago, the advice from Daisy is right on. You MUST tell her, whatever her reaction is, you must deal with the consequences. You are here so you will get a lot of good advice, that is the first step for you. If you value your marriage, deal with it now and pray that you can work through it together. The pain and shock will be horrible, but it will get much worse if you drag it out... I would give anything for my WH to have had the decency of telling me instead of letting it poison our marraige for 13 years. We are trying, but the lying is as bad as the infidelity. Don't make it any worse than it already is. I'll be praying for you both. Ladysing

Dear Trago,<p>Unfortunately, I must confer with the others that you must tell her. I say this because my husband has had 3 one night stands, each years apart, in our 20 year marriage. The reason I know now is because we received a letter from his second OW stating she had a daughter who in now 10 years old by him. Further, my husband had his last one nighter 3 years ago and she gave him a STD which he passed on to me. My symptoms have been extremely mild, so I never ever realized I had one. I made us get tested after finding out about the other child.<p>My husband confessed all of his affairs to me because I told him we had to start off honestly if our marriage is to continue. <p>I understand when you say you are like newlyweds, and I know that you must fear the ramifications of this type of confession. Trust me though, eventually you will be forced to tell her because somehow the deceit will be revealed. The truth has a way of floating to the top.<p>Before you tell her though, go ahead and arrange for marriage counseling. Go ahead and plan on renewing your vows when the time is right for her. Above all, be ready to give her explanations and be patient with her questions. She will have so many. It sounds like the love you share will get you through this...that and the Lord Jesus Christ. Be in prayer daily through this, with her and alone.<p>You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please tell her because if you don't you will find it easier to do again. Maybe not initially, maybe not in a few months, but you will be tempted again and you may not resist if you havent
faced the awful consequences of infidelity.<p>Posey

Targo,<p>If you are still around please post so that we know you are doing ok and that you are still here.<p>Also, another point for why you should tell your wife is that your one night stand was the first step in a slippery slope. Once a person starts a secret life, it is very easy to keep doing the behavior. Your secret life may very well grow until it consumes you and distroys your marriage. You may not be interested in another encounter right now, but we have seen so many people here who started on the path to repeated infidelity just as you did. So let the light of day shine on your encounter by telling your wife. Ask her to help you find out why you did this and to recovery your marriage.<p>AS for the safe sex stuff... did you know the person you were with? Did you plan this ahead of time so that you could research things about safe sex. What was a married man doing with condums? Does this woman know your real name, where you work, or how to get in touch with you? If she does, she very well may contact you at some time. Get ready for that.<p>STL (my H) says: What part of cooties don't you understand? <p>There is not such thing as 'safe sex'. Condoms do not protect from most STD's. The germs and viruses are smaller then the holes between the molicules of the latex. And unprotected oral sex? It almost sounds like you planed this encounter ahead of time. (My 12 year old daughter is standing over my shoulder reading this. Yes we discuss most everything with our kids. She says that it is not true that there is no such thing as 'safe sex'. She learned at school that 'no sex' is safe. So take a tip from a 12 year old.)